Questioning whether or not I am a Cluster B personality type.

[Metalhead]

Basically, I exhibit those pesky NPD tendencies whenever I drink too much. I acknowledge that as fact. That is not who I want to be as it is not living up to the strict ideals I set for myself, which are far stricter than what I set for anybody else on the planet.

I take things too personally when social plans fall through, leading me to believe that I rely far too much on external validation and not enough on accepting that not everything is about me and I am not the center of the universe. I place far too much importance on my place in the world and the damage I have done in my life. I have to accept my relative insignificance in relation to my self-image as the great bother I believe I am.

Am I making much sense here?

I am finding that volunteering at a soup kitchen is a good way to escape my own mind, a great reminder that many others are currently living a life that would totally destroy my relatively privileged self.

Maybe I should bring this up to my therapist. Who knows?

 

[BrokenBoy]

Yes bring it up. This is important.

 

[Thinx]

You are very insightful about yourself, and this is the type of tough love we all have to give ourselves when making progress with reparenting ourselves. It would be strange if we didn't pick up some of the negative traits of those who brought us up, but we have the motivation to learn, develop and change ourselves, which mostly they didn't.

Keep on turning down the volume on the the behaviours and world views that a good parent would help a little one with. Hey the soup kitchen work sounds a great involvement, so needed and it's also a kind of socialising, so a win win.

But also, just make sure that little kid that's sad or disappointed or worried he's a burden, does get loved and heard. He's just a little one, he doesn't understand all this sophisticated therapy talk, and he's unhappy if plans or hopes don't work out. That's natural, he needs a hug. Actual or metaphorical.

 

[unperson]

It's not unusual with hostile families in the picture. I got some.

 

[Aspychata]

It's a huge sign of maturity to see outside of yourself. Remember - you were kept in a infantile state because it served your mom well. Now you are refiltering with different thoughts how you see things. Before, all you could do was just struggle with what she forced on you with no time to really think things out and reflect. It seems it was easier to stay numb through this. Now that you have walked thru the door of who your mom is, you have had time to really think about things. I hope you don't beat yourself up. I still feel that's your mom's voice coming thru and trying to make you feel less then. Your inner child still struggles with a lot of issues and the inner child in you still heals. Please embrace this child, and welcome this child as part of you. You may become more at peace with yourself. You have seriously worked on changing behaviors that help cover the hurt and rejection you felt. You are still in a bit of raw emotions kinda of filtering thru. It gets easier with time. Remember you fell in negative habits to numb yourself to the hard true feelings you wish to escape. Now those hard feelings are coming up to the surface after being buried so long. You have to process them, feel them and let them go. Say l feel hurt, l feel rejected now l am letting go of this. It's okay to feel this. l have processed this. Now you can move on to what triggers these feelings and then you escape to gamming or beer or whatever. Triggers are important to identify and help with your new behavior modification. Does certain family members trigger you and send you into that dark tunnel?

 

[Metalhead]

It's a huge sign of maturity to see outside of yourself. Remember - you were kept in a infantile state because it served your mom well. Now you are refiltering with different thoughts how you see things. Before, all you could do was just struggle with what she forced on you with no time to really think things out and reflect. It seems it was easier to stay numb through this. Now that you have walked thru the door of who your mom is, you have had time to really think about things. I hope you don't beat yourself up. I still feel that's your mom's voice coming thru and trying to make you feel less then. Your inner child still struggles with a lot of issues and the inner child in you still heals. Please embrace this child, and welcome this child as part of you. You may become more at peace with yourself. You have seriously worked on changing behaviors that help cover the hurt and rejection you felt. You are still in a bit of raw emotions kinda of filtering thru. It gets easier with time. Remember you fell in negative habits to numb yourself to the hard true feelings you wish to escape. Now those hard feelings are coming up to the surface after being buried so long. You have to process them, feel them and let them go. Say l feel hurt, l feel rejected now l am letting go of this. It's okay to feel this. l have processed this. Now you can move on to what triggers these feelings and then you escape to gamming or beer or whatever. Triggers are important to identify and help with your new behavior modification. Does certain family members trigger you and send you into that dark tunnel?

Certain family members do trigger me and send me into that dark tunnel, but only because I choose to let that happen. I am an adult, I should know better than that by now.

 

[Giraffes]

It matters not if 'we should know better' it's being present with those feeling but not engulfed by them that is hard, i get you with this post as i have so much previous learnt reactions and responses to situations, circumstances and people to understand and not 'default' to learnt responses that often lead to self loathing, pity, anxiety and depression, if it means anything i enjoy your 'soul searching' and honest postings and wish you further understanding and self acceptance.

 

[menander]

Trauma can also look like BPD and stuff. And sometimes people live in families that are highly emotional, even if loving. High emotions lead to lots of issues.

 

[Metalhead]

Trauma can also look like BPD and stuff. And sometimes people live in families that are highly emotional, even if loving. High emotions lead to lots of issues.

Yeah, my blood family is highly emotional and it would not surprise me if many of them ever did get official NPD diagnoses. But this is not about taking their inventory and using that as an excuse to not take care of my own side of the street. I learned very poor habits, now it is time to teach myself better ones.

 

[Au Naturel]

Basically, I exhibit those pesky NPD tendencies whenever I drink too much. I acknowledge that as fact. That is not who I want to be as it is not living up to the strict ideals I set for myself, which are far stricter than what I set for anybody else on the planet.

I take things too personally when social plans fall through, leading me to believe that I rely far too much on external validation and not enough on accepting that not everything is about me and I am not the center of the universe. I place far too much importance on my place in the world and the damage I have done in my life. I have to accept my relative insignificance in relation to my self-image as the great bother I believe I am.

Am I making much sense here?

I am finding that volunteering at a soup kitchen is a good way to escape my own mind, a great reminder that many others are currently living a life that would totally destroy my relatively privileged self.

Maybe I should bring this up to my therapist. Who knows?

Working in a soup kitchen sounds like pretty good therapy itself.

It is kind of ok to have stricter standards for yourself than others. In the real world that is how one person achieves while another with the same toolset just gets by.

The only person who sees the world the way you do is you. Another person sees it differently so a different set of standards is inevitable. They may have concluded that strict adherence to standards sacrifices flexibility, which is also important. But just as you have to cut other people slack, you have to cut yourself some slack too.

Not to do so is an act of ego and an assertion that you are somehow superior. A sense of superiority is only ever an opinion, usually a toxic one.

If a human were a machine, there'd be rusty parts and loose screws and gears that don't quite mesh. Even the best and brightest among us. The circuits have a lot of noise on them and wires can get crossed. Tolerances are sloppy. Sensors are flaky and perceptions may be inaccurate. Viruses and buggy code abound in the CPU.

Enjoy the times when everything works as designed and forgive yourself when a cog slips or an instruction gets lost. There is no point in beating yourself up because of the inevitable. The most important aspect of making a mistake is to realize it was a mistake and to try not to do it again. The past cannot be changed so do not look back.

 

[Metalhead]

It is Friday night, I have been sipping on beer the last few hours and watching cartoons. I do not want to be who I was two or three years ago. I want to be a balanced individual, one who does not create straw man arguments when I disagree with another person. I learned that habit from my parents, big shocker there. I also want to find other people to share the joys of movies with. Kinda hard when COVID is a thing.

 

[Metalhead]

Thanks for all of the insightful responses.

I am feeling a bit better today. I scrubbed down my apartment and cleaned out both of my closets, meaning Goodwill will be getting a donation in the near future. People really are correct when they say that living in a clean place has a positive effect on mood.

I also have decided to set a boundary around drinking. Mainly, no more drinking alone and proceeding to make drunken Amazon purchases at 3 in the morning.

I emailed my therapist, she emailed back stating that she did not believe I was NPD or BPD, but that I certainly did adapt some of those traits by growing up around people that most likely are. I do have a diagnosis of having a major depressive disorder, which is another reason why I should most likely not be drinking alone.

The thing is I have these very high ideals I set up for myself, but I want perfection and that discourages me from trying to obtain those ideals. Yeah, I know exactly how irrational that is.