Pushing everyone away

[Momo]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

 

[Jet Weiss]

I do this as well, especially with my mum. My mum is the only person in my IRL life who is not malicious to me in any way, shape or form and is likely one of the only people who truly loves me, and I do love my mum.
However, when I am in a mood, she is the first person I get annoyed with and the first one I try to push away.

I think often times the people we are closest to are the ones we take our anger out on the most.
A first step at fixing it would be to ask yourself what your reasons are for pushing these people away. Is there an underlying reason that has nothing to do with them, or are you primarily frustrated with their behaviour?
Once you have a good understanding of "why," it may be easier to work out solutions.

 

[OlLiE]

i'm in the same spot, i try to realise that loved ones are trying to help me albeit from their limited understanding of whats going on with me. But i can't really blame them, because it's coming from a good place, when people care about you, i think they likely feel partly responsible to help you feel better, and they feel uncomfortable and inadequate when they don't seem to be able to help you and the project this failing on themselves. i also find it tiresome but i try (not necessarily succeed) to see it for what it is, a failed attempt of someone that cares for you to help you, it's actually an opening to try to help them understand how they can best help you. easier said than done when you are emotionally exhausted. telling a person that cares about you and wants to help you that you're best off being left alone is something that requires explaining. sometimes you need to explain to people that you need their understanding and not their help.

 

[Bella Pines]

I've done this too. I went through years of just not caring about anything. At all. I could barely haul myself to work. I didn't really care if I offended people. I wasn't motivated to do anything, even eat and I definitely pushed everyone away.

It's no longer the case. Today, I'll have a think about what changed for me, I can't quite put my finger on it right now.

Was there a specific trigger? Like a job change, relationship change when this started? Or did something occur to you? What marked the change from before to how you feel now?

 

[Ambi]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

Is it just your need for solitude? Many aspies, including myself, have a strong need for solitude, it's good for our mental health. I didn't realize this about myself earlier, and would suffer a build up of tension from too much interaction with others. Now I allow myself as much solitude as I can find. Not sure if that's an option for you, but it may explain your need to push people away. Sorry about your mom's reaction :-(

 

[Momo]

I've done this too. I went through years of just not caring about anything. At all. I could barely haul myself to work. I didn't really care if I offended people. I wasn't motivated to do anything, even eat and I definitely pushed everyone away.

It's no longer the case. Today, I'll have a think about what changed for me, I can't quite put my finger on it right now.

Was there a specific trigger? Like a job change, relationship change when this started? Or did something occur to you? What marked the change from before to how you feel now?

I suppose if there was a 'trigger' it's been a long time coming. The thing is, I see my mum going back to my father and have for years, even as he abuses her and her children and she seems entirely oblivious to it. So much so that's it's a cycle now that my mum goes through, the honeymoon, denial, depression and then it all begins again. It's hopeless! It's like I'm drowning. And she doesn't listen to me. So, I think it's pretty obvious what's triggered it, but I just can't seem to fix anything! It's probably the hopelessness that's led to this... but I don't know if there's anything I can do about it.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

If I were in your position I might want to say, "I am not running away from my problems, but your problems. I do not need your problems as I have enough problems because of your problems. The problem I have with you is you refuse to see all that abuse as a problem, so, if you do not love yourself, how can I love you?"

 

[Alaska]

If I were in your position I might want to say, "I am not running away from my problems, but your problems. I do not need your problems as I have enough problems because of your problems. The problem I have with you is you refuse to see all that abuse as a problem, so, if you do not love yourself, how can I love you?"

Logic is a lousy tool to try to use for an abused woman who has not yet accepted that she is being abused. She espacially will not listen to a daughter who is an Aspie or Autie.

Your intentions are kind, however.

 

[Alaska]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

Momo, this is not an Aspie kind of problem, it is just a human being sort of problem. We all dislike being abused and seeing those we love, being abused. It is no wonder you are feeling so bad and as if you want to push everyone away from you.

There is nothing wrong with you for feeling the way you do. Anyone else would have trouble in your situation.

You mention, " her children" when talking about kids who are probably at least half brothers and sisters. Concern for them is probably part of why you feel so bad.

I can not tell you what to do to handle your awful situation, because I do not know enough, and am not qualified. I think you need help from people who might be able to make a difference.

I think you mentioned that you live in an Asian country. Some of them are not vey helpful to abused women yet. They probably have some resources, to help you, your mother and your siblings, anyway.

If I know what country you are in, maybe I can find people on the internet who might be able to help you. In case you can find them faster yourself, abused womens' shelters or groups or domestic violence groups or shelters are what you need to find. Agencies or groups that deal with child abuse may also be able to help you.

 

[Bella Pines]

Are you still subject to your father's actions as well?

I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone.

Sounds both understandable and necessary. Having thought about it some more, my walls were built up over time, likely for self defense. It's like I had armour plating and nothing could get through to harm me.

An unfortunate side effect was that nothing good could get through either.

I really think now that it was physical. I shutdown so many times that my brain somehow rewired itself. I bet there's some neurological explanation for it.

I still don't quite know how I changed, I only now realised it happened. It's not easy to retrain And rewire your brain.

The thing is, I see my mum going back to my father and have for years, even as he abuses her and her children and she seems entirely oblivious to it.

Now that, I think is pure a aspie. So many times I've said to people things like "can you see what is going on?", "why do you keep doing this?".

I think we see things clearly. From the outside. We see situations for what they are, We see what the impact is. We see patterns and trends so clearly.

It's a gift, but not common. I think that when we try to explain this to people they get scared, or angry, or confused. They don't want to hear or face the obvious.

So possibly, you are seeing trends and speaking of things that your mum either cannot see or does not want to see.

 

[Dadwith2Autisticsons]

Logic is a lousy tool to try to use for an abused woman who has not yet accepted that she is being abused. She espacially will not listen to a daughter who is an Aspie or Autie.

Your intentions are kind, however.

I do not know. Maybe I think different than you as I am more an NT than an Aspie. I am not sure if you lived the same situation as Momo. I just know I have tons of experience as an abused child, with an enabling parent and two abusive parents. And so I know what worked and what did not work for me. An abused boy growing up is no different than an abused woman. Sometimes in their mind logic is needed to process things.

Not blaming my parents never bettered any situation. You are right to suggest that she needs to see herself as being abused, in order to really get better. But, by hiding the truth about the abusers is not going to better things. Maybe her mom will not listen, but she has never listened before. Having the parents shift the blame to the victims and the victims believing that is the worst thing to do.

The parent needs to be told they are the problem, or the cycle definitely will continue. It may still continue regardless, yes, but at least they will have been given notice, that she is starting to get frustrated and will start fighting back instead of seeing herself as a victim. Suppressing feelings is never the answer.

 

[Streetwise]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

i did it with my mothers family i wonder if i thought they would care for me like my mother did and i was disappointed when they DIDNT
so it comes down to PDD specifically mild hfa

 

[Tyrantus1212]

I feel the same way a lot of the time. I tend to always find the bad in almost all the NT's around me, yet at the same time I really do care about them, and they really do care about me. I too get fed up by most of the people in my life despite all that; oftentimes it seems like they all just try to run my life and I always get paranoid that I did something to make them all mad. I'm also just so much different from them all and it just results in so many arguments and disagreements...

When I'm in a bad mood, it's just...ugh. I tend to always talk to my parents in a frustrated tone and can really say some nasty things to them whenever I'm in a really bad mood; I always wind up regretting it later. Very much. I also constantly cycle over my anxious thoughts with them and it just drives then nuts. For some reason I also just never listen to them regardless of mood; I've always been thought of as stubborn. At the workplace I always act like I'm afraid of people because I always feel like I screwed up or said something stupid, and this is despite being in an excellent work environment. I always talk down to myself in front of my boss and coworkers and thus create a very awkward work environment. Plus, the anxieties of course. I just wonder how I haven't been fired yet. With my very few friends I can get clingier than a moth to a flame; it's a miracle I even made these friends in the first place, but I got the feeling that I may have been on the verge of actually pushing them away with this behavior, so I finally toned it down after a couple of months; yes, months.

I've pushed so many people away when I was in college with my behavior you wouldn't even believe. I wanted to make friends but ended up being very annoying and obnoxious due to my social inexperience and extremely bad people skills. I ended up more lonely than I've ever been in my past. It brought up a lot of self-hatred in me and the fear of pushing even more people away - and with the behaviors I described above I might just be doing that gradually. I know I'll never lose my parents' love and support but these things just strain my relationship with them and it makes way for a lot of awkward moments and hurt feelings. My coworkers do treat me well but I still felt a downhill trend in my relationships with a couple of them. I can sense these things but it really takes me a long time to get to that point.

Despite not really being alone, I just feel so different from everyone, with so little in common with them all. I just don't understand why I see the bad in people all the time and allow myself to be either afraid or disrespectful. As for the few friends, I actually seem to idolize them and just not leave them alone. I never find a middle ground, ever. Anywhere. I could have been a better son. I could have been a better coworker and employee. A better friend that doesn't exhibit all that neediness. This means nearly 30 years lost with just awkwardness, disappointment and confusion hovering in the midst. Am I holding some secret grudges against my parents and coworkers? How do I learn to appreciate the people in my life and not be unhappy and paranoid? And as far as others go...not to appreciate them "too much"? Sorry for the rant, I just needed to vent about this because it saddens me to no end. I don't want to push all these people away, because outside of them (and family outside of America) I pretty much got no one in real life.

 

[ilovetochat87]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

I totally hear you on this. I understand totally. My mom does that fixing to meet you all the time and then she gets a whiny attitude when it turns out that I don't like the way she's being fake with me it doesn't make any sense. Now she's the one that spent seven years trying to help me convince the government that I did have a disability and it was worthy of what they had to offer even though they tried to tell me it was too high functioning she's the one that took out time from work that she didn't even earn yet to take me all my testings and yada yada she's the only one that really understands me because she's been there she seen it she seen the test results and she talked to the doctors my sister has a somewhat understanding and my dad just doesn't because he wasn't there helping me like she was it was just easier for her.

I'm telling you she has self diagnosed herself reading a book that has a test in it and now she think she's got adult ADD which I agree with . My grandma had ADD and sleep apnea and arthritis and she had a bunch of things so I'm not surprised that my mom thinks she's got ADD but I agree with her.

what she does is she sits on the phone and doesn't listen to a thing I say and when I say mom did you hear what I ask you she says yes Lara I'm not doing this with you keep going I heard you! I say well if you heard me then what's the answer because I asked you three times and she gets all pissed that I am having an attitude and she says are your friends over there ?! And I'm like excuse me what kind of question is that that's disrespectful why does that even matter? And she says they are aren't they!? I guarantee your friends are there and you're just treating your mom like a piece of S*** to show off for them ! And I say that is disrespectful and I'm not gonna take that from you and she says don't you talk to your mother like that put your friend on the phone now and I save mom the only way I would have anybody here is if you thought there was somebody imaginary there is an a so here and then she throws out now you think that I am schizophrenic do ya?! And I say no I'm just saying there's nobody hereI could take a videoif you want me to and send it to you and then she says you better knock off that attitude immediately only I'm not gonna take this BS from you you better knock yourself down. and I say mom all I did was ask you a stupid question and you're throwing a fit and she saidwhatever goodbye you little blank and she won't talk to me for days.
I think one time she didn't speak to me for seven days straight and she blocked me on social media she blocked me on the phoneshe blocked me from being able to sing emails to herand she wouldn't communicate with me for seven days and I talk to my sister about it and she said mom doesn't want to speak to you soyou need to respect that and she wouldn't answer my questions eitherand I'm like well if mom doesn't answer me then fine how about you answer my question and she's like I'm gonna leave that to mom and if mom doesn't want to answer that then you have to wait and I'm like really you're not even gonna help me and she's like well I'm not gonna get into this problem between you and mom and I'm like look I don't have a way to drive I don't have a way to get money at the bank I need mom to give me money because I don't have any food and without my debit card being refilled I don't have any way to get groceries! I need mom to give me money for my bank account and that's all I want and she says okay okay I will talk to mom and I'm like I just don't know what her problem is and she says we're not gonna go there I've already told you that I will get your money but we're leaving that part alone.

I've offered my mom to take atherapy class with me, just her and me and we talk about each other and we do it from our perspective andthe lady can say this is what I think is going on from both of you together and individually and then we can learn to talk better and not assume that each other is the enemy. But she won't and I don't understand it and so therefore sometimes I do lash out at her even when she's not doing that to me.

I think sometimes she does condescend me. There are times when my mom and I are doing girl stuff having mom and daughter time and we're just shopping and she leans over to give me a hug and tell me I'm the best daughter ever and she waves her hand in front of her face and says "woo-wee Lara!!! DAAAMMN GURL!!! YOUR BREATH STAANK!" I'm like really mom?! That's offensive and she's like hey I'm only telling you because I'm your mom and I'm caring for you! you rather me tell you then some stranger or your friends or a boyfriend or something and I'm like yeah I would but you're very disrespectful the way you do it and she's like I'm so sick and tired of how you always treat me like I'm a piece of sh**!!! And she threatens to take me home and never do this again and we go into an argument and we start screaming at each other and I go crying because I'm overwhelmed and overstimulated and she's all pissed because I'm throwing a fit and I'm not throwing a fit I'm just getting overstimulated and I need her to calm down and quit assuming I'm the bad guy and she says I don't assume you the bad guy you assume me the bad guy! and I tell her if she didn't talk to me in a condescending tone all the time I wouldn't assume her the bad guy because I wouldn't assume she's doing that to me and she said okay you're right I'm sorry and I say thank you I appreciate that I'm not five and I'm not somebody to make fun of either and she says okay Lara I got it! I'm sorry. 90% of the time we do great but there are those moments and we've had them for years.

 

[GoldenWanderer]

I don't know why at the moment, but I just seem to be completely fed-up with just about everyone I know: Family, my only friend I have had for years, I can barely even talk to my mother without all her fake-optimism driving me insane. I seem to have created this wall of isolation and I don't want to be around or talk to basically anyone. I tried taking some time off and leaving for a while, but this seems to have only made it worse. Now I can barely bring myself to even care whether the people most close to me even like me!

The first thing my mother said when I got in the car with her today after being away was: "Oh, you probably didn't miss me." And then went on about: "you probably don't even love me." And so on. But she does this in a joking, 'I am the victim' tone and it drives me nuts! She even had the nerve to go on about how I can't run from my problems. I don't know, it's probably just general frustration, but now everyone is up for being set adrift and pushed away with no warning. Is there a way to fix this? Or will I just continue to do this? I don't want to lose the people I love, but they just frustrate me so much!

I find that I experience this exact thing in waves, but got the most part I just don't want to be around or talk to people anymore. My mom seems to have a gift for finding my "button" and pushing that sucker all day. My family is ignorant. They made my life hell and told me I was making up a lot of my symptoms growing up. Honestly, the only reason i call my family "family" is my genetics things me to them. The only emotion I experience in relation to my family is anger. As for my friends, they have always irritated me. I think they always will. I think it's due to sarcasm and implications that I don't get right away.

I go in waves. Every 3-6 months, I go from depressed, but okay with being alive and dealing with all the bulshit to hating everyone and wanting to kill myself. Talking about it with someone helps, but not enough. Psychadelics have helped more than anything else. I'm usually relatively content with everything for a month after doing them. That being said, all that's good in life is illegal, so I do not recommend them to anyone

That all being said, it does get better. Not much, but better is better. Also, I recommend getting an emotional support dog. My dog is the only living thing I love, and she is quite literally the only reason i have and accept to live.

It gets better. Hold tight. Fight tooth and nail. I move in inches, not feet, but I'm moving.

 

[SusanLR]

That's why I don't have anyone left to turn to now.
My parents were the only people I felt myself around. No need to act with them. They knew me for me and accepted it. Sometimes I'd have an anger outburst, but, I knew I would calm down and things go back to normal. Can't feel that way around others. Always in the put the mask on mode and that is stressing. Sometimes I really want that love I knew I could always have with my parents. I could turn to them for comfort, talk with them when I wanted to vent or yeah, act out if I was angry. It's not a happy life now for me with no one I can feel this way about.
As far as pushing others away, it was a gradual thing growing up. Seemed no matter what I did, others made fun of me or just out right told me off and didn't care. So as I got older I started building the wall to keep from being hurt. If you don't need them, they can't hurt you. I had my parents love and that was enough.
Now the wall leaves me alone inside it. But, I just don't feel I can ever trust enough to share my desires, hurts, or need to talk. Some seem to be happy alone. I guess I desire that. Those beyond the wall I can be 'freindly' with and some I enjoy a conversation with even. But, they are still on the other side of the wall. That's my rant for the night.

 

[Knit Hat]

I'm in the exact same mode lately. I feel bad, because some of the people genuinely don't deserve to be pushed away (my parents, and a sister, specifically), but it's like everything anyone does just gets on my nerves completely. I've managed to keep my cool for the most part, even towards the people who, have been kind of making it almost a sport to get on my case, and piss me off on purpose it seems. I'll find myself getting disproportionately angry at everything everyone does lately though. All I'd really like is for people to just leave me alone for a bit, and let me get everything sorted out in my own way. I know they're trying to help, well, some of them, but the more they try to intervene, the worse it gets. I wish I could make them understand that me isolating myself doesn't mean I don't like them, or anything like that.