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Problems finding a date

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by joe2006, Feb 19, 2018.

  1. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    I have never been interested in a romantic relationship until a few months ago. I live in a small community and there are not that many girls around that I am interested in. So I created an account on a dating site called Match and paid for a three month subscription. I sent several messages to women I was interested in but nobody ever responded. After sending 20 messages I gave up and quit using Match. Then I met somebody who is using Match and has successfully found somebody and he convinced me to start using Match again. Now I have sent 81 messages to different women but only four people responded. There is a way to check the messages I have sent and tell if they have been read or not. It looks like half of the messages were read. Some people who were not interested in me would go as far as to hide their account from me even though they never read my message. I have not heard anything from the people who wrote me back so I am starting to assume they have lost interest in me. I am new to online dating and believe I may be doing something wrong. What tips can people offer me to help me get started?
     
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  2. Beguiling Orbit

    Beguiling Orbit Neurotribe Champion V.I.P Member

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    I feel your pain, Joe. I had terrible luck on Match and wouldn't wish that experience on anyone. It's full of NT women who don't understand men who are on the spectrum and are completely out of sync with us.

    I finally decided to try an Aspie dating site. I met the love of my life on it and am now married to her. Unfortunately, that site is no longer available, but I'm sure there are others like it. The only thing I can think that you're doing wrong is trying to meet women who don't "get you."

    My Aspie-to-Aspie relationship progressed pretty much as described on this blog post, but without the scary parts. I highly recommend being in this kind of relationship.
     
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  3. Gritches

    Gritches The Happy Dog V.I.P Member

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    A little while ago someone actually did the math on here and made a post about how futile online dating is for men, how the ratio is like 100:1 or something ridiculous. Don't be surprised that online dating doesn't work. Even IRL it feels like there's a 10:1 ratio of guys to girls, 100:1 is just asking for disappointment.
     
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  4. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    I would maybe stray away from pushing so much blame on NT women? It seems really unfair to me. I am a NT woman and here now and in love with someone whom is Aspie. We don't know why these women aren't replying to you and it could have something to do with them being out of sync, but possibly not? I know that when I am on OkCupid or match I personally feel overwhelmed and don't always reply to the men that message me but I know for sure I've replied back to Aspies.
     
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  5. Beguiling Orbit

    Beguiling Orbit Neurotribe Champion V.I.P Member

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    I'm sure you're a nice NT person. I was just relating my experience with some who weren't when I went on dates with them.
     
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  6. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    So I was thinking about the OPs post and thought maybe I can possibly provide some advice?



    I thought that video was somewhat helpful and funny? Most of NTs way of dating is full of b/s, in my opinion. I wish it was "be yourself and you can find someone!" Dating sites are very similar to searching for a job. Does your profile picture highlight your best features? (Are you smiling v.s frowning? Are your dressed appropriately?) Does your profile communicate effectively who you are? When you message someone try to pick out something specific in their profile that you can ask them about v.s just saying "Hi, how are you?"

    There's a entire social construct that goes into it and it's honestly very silly to me. I know meeting in person can just be easier. Maybe just going to a Aspie site is easier?

    One of my favorite things about talking to Aspies on OkCupid is that they are genuine, honest, and get to the point. They don't have a agenda like a lot of NT guys I talk to. I just think that there is not enough awareness of people who have Autism and Aspie. There is so much negative stigma from social media that it makes it especially hard which is so unfair to me. I wish it was different because like anyone, Aspie men have a lot to offer too.
     
  7. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    That might be a reference to my experiment. The results were quite grim.

    To the OP: 4 responses out about about 40 read is a 10% reply rate. That is about par for the course I would say. I also use match.com. I think it is better than plenty of fish as the fact that you have to pay for it seems to sort out some of the riff raff. You can probably improve these results, take the advice from Dorkasour here. Research why type of photos you should use and how you should present yourself. Do some other research about how to setup a profile and how to attempt to communicate with women.
    I started off at a grim response rate at about 5%, but after making improvements have that up around 20% now. I have dated 2 girls since last November. I didn't really contact any through most of January and February because I focused on one I went out with a few times hoping it would work out (it didn't).

    Remember that women on these sites are generally getting several guys contact them per day typically. If they are very attractive this number can easily go into the hundreds per day. How do you intend to stand out among them?


    The idea of an Aspie dating site sounds interesting. I didn't know those existed. I may look into that myself.

    Now this is surely looking too far forward in the future but that point makes me wonder. "If I dated an aspie girl, and down the road we had kids... would they also be doomed to aspie?"
     
  8. Bolletje

    Bolletje Overly complicated potato V.I.P Member

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    Don’t take it too personal, OP. As a woman who’s been on a dating site, I can tell you that the sheer volume of messages one receives daily is overwhelming. At some point I just stopped using the site altogether because I got anxiety over possibly missing out on one or two good matches in the bulk of crappy messages.
     
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  9. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    It has now been a week since somebody responded to one of my messages on Match. I still have two months left in my subscription so I will keep sending messages and hope for a response. The hard part is trying to figure out what to say to the woman. What I don't understand is why some of these women who might be interested in me don't contact me first.
     
  10. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    It's as people have explained above. Women get overloaded with messages and they have alot to choose from. Again, try to find something specific in their profile you can ask them about via message that's your best shot.
     
  11. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    It is not the natural biological way of things for the women to make the first move. It may be off putting at first but it is something you will have to come peace with and accept as "just the way things work." Think to high school if a girl likes a boy. She will not make any more about it. She will drop hints, mildly flirt...etc to try and get his attention and clue him in to do something about it.

    Now sometimes women will make contact on dating sites. This is usually because they are very undesirable and men are not contacting them. This consists of single moms, which may not be fair but being a single mom sharply reduces a woman's dating value. Though it is probably the same for men. This also consists of women who are also very physically unattractive, (ugly, shaped like jabba the hut, looks like a man...etc), or are getting rather old. Personally if I were a single dad, I would have no problem going for a single mom. I have seen some that are beautiful.

    Don't worry so much about what to say. I usually try for something light hearted and humorous, maybe cheesy, based on their profile, and I am getting better than a 20% response rate I would say. I actually sent 2 messages Thursday night and started 2 conversations. That made a 100% hit rate for that evening, :laughing:. Both have sent me more messages today (Saturday).

    Examples

    Maybe the girl is a nurse
    "As a nurse, would you be qualified to put band aids on my cuts? Because I can't stand the sight of my blood"

    To a girl who really likes camping
    "You like to go camping? How challenging do you like to make it? Camp grounds? Backwoods? Ever talk to squirrels, or maybe try to ride a grizzly bear like a rodeo animal? "

    Here is one I used on a girl who likes baking (she said she needed a guinea pig to test her baking).
    "A guinea pig for treats? Well I don't know about "guinea pig" but some call me a magpie for my opportunistic scavenging of treats ;) You might even go as far as to say I have a theoretical degree in treat...tasting. What sort of things do you like to bake?


    And so forth. Pick something you know and shoot for it. You have to realize that it's going to fail more often than not. Don't get too tied up in it. Think of it like you are taking an antique rifle to a rifle range. It won't be able to hit a target most of the time, but it's still good fun shooting it.


    I'm at a point where finding contacts is not too difficult. Getting a date is hard but not the end of the world. I am stuck at the trying to make a connection and establish anything beyond a date or a few dates, into starting a relationship. However I have come a damn long way. A year ago I couldn't imagine how I would even ever again so much as get a single date in my life time. You know, without reducing myself to going with a jabba the hut doppelganger. :wink:


    I'll make a fun game of this and a challenge to joe2006.

    A hypothetical girl who loves fantasy books (especially "The Lord of The Rings"), cooking, and she works as a receptionist for an insurance company. In one of her pictures she is water skiing. In another picture she is playing frisbee with a dog...

    Now, I challenge joe 2006 to write this fictional girl a contact message here. 2-4 sentences is all that's needed. ;)
     
  12. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    This is what I would write to this fictional girl. "I noticed your picture of a dog and it reminded me of mine. I have a border collie that plays ball with me. What kind of a dog do you have?"
     
  13. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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    That seems like a nice conversational approach to me.

    If you can see the dog in the photo, though, wouldn't you be able to
    tell what kind it is?

    Maybe....I know this is just fictional.....you could say you're not sure
    what kind of dog it is. Or ask if she still has the dog. Or what kinds
    of games she and the dog play.....
     
  14. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    Yes! That's a great way to start out a conversation. If you can tell what kind of dog it is you can always ask another question about the dog. "What is the dogs name?" "How old are they?"

    example: My dogs name is Chad, what is you're dogs name? He is cute.

    It seems so formulated but it really shows you're interested in her individually
     
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  15. Pariah Dog

    Pariah Dog Well-Known Member

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    I does show you are interested. To make it seem less formulated, try to add something goofy and humorous to it. If it happens to be really cheesy, you can even point out that fact.

    How about.

    "I noticed your picture of a dog and it reminded me of mine. I have a border collie that plays ball with me. What kind of a dog do you have? Does it do any cool tricks? Like maybe fetch the news paper, or draw a hot bubble bath then serve a pancake breakfast to you?"

    Yes it sounds stupid. But consider.

    1.) The woman would have to be completely soulless to not get a chuckle or a least a smile out of that. And if she is completely soulless than you probably don't want her anyway

    2.) Hopefully this conveys that you don't take yourself too seriously. It makes you more approachable and less intimidating.

    3.) It sets you apart and makes you unique. She is getting dozens of pathetic attempts at someone getting her attention per day. 80% or more of her inbox is just "Hey," "Hi," "What's up?" "Hey cutie...." etc. By comparison how do you think she will feel when she encounters a message that is both thoughtful and maybe even makes her laugh?

    Good Hunting!
     
  16. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    It just occurred to me that I get along better with people who are older than me than people who are closer to my age. It seems like people in their early 20s are less likely to respond to me than somebody who is in their 30s. I might have better luck looking for somebody who is a few years older than me.
     
  17. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Some people may block or hide simply because they are not attracted to your looks physically and won't tell you that straight out because that is hurtful. Most people cannot take such honesty, no matter how nice one says that preference, even if your good willed intentions are obvious. People get jealous and have selfish desires- everyone.

    Some people may change over time, but don't depend on that. I always like to "leave my door open" for communication to allow a person to tell me how things are different now than before, and then make a decision if so and so is worth pursuing if things didn't work out before.

    I think most women want a response with depth. So, maybe write a one liner with some depth, and don't expect a response because women tend to get overwhelmed from receiving so many messages. I wouldn't write a paragraph to start off, because that is too overwhelming for most people.

    I personally think OkC is the best app to use overall.
    Keep your profile moderately filled or extremely detailed I would recommend unless you're looking for a hookup. A hookup, your profile should be scant.
     
  18. joe2006

    joe2006 Well-Known Member

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    I've looked at several different dating sites but I like Match the best. It looks like I've found somebody who will talk to me. I've been talking to this lady for the last week, which is the longest anyone on that site has talked to me. The only problem I'm having now is I keep running out of things to say to her. I have been asking her different questions each day but that's about all I can think of to do at this point.
     
  19. Dorkasour

    Dorkasour Active Member

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    When a girl starts talking to you then you can always start talking about yourself and see if you have anything in common.

    Example: "I love dogs, this is my favorite breed." and you can even follow it with "What's yours?"

    Has she been asking you questions? Usually the other person has some sort of responsibility to keep the conversation going too.
     
  20. Jacoby

    Jacoby Well-Known Member

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    Good luck but don't hold your breath, I've found online dating pretty self esteem crushing. People are really superficial and these dating sites are essentially meat markets where people try to sell themselves by being as bland and 'normal' as possible so something like AS has over 90% of women running for the hills if they admit it or not. It becomes really hard to be honest at all on your profile then, I hate applying for jobs and making resumes too since people consider it perfectly normal to bold face lie about things. I've tried being out front about it as well as dancing around things but that doesn't seem to make a difference when people ghost me. You get older and thinks just seem to compound even more since lack of experience is a reason for rejection as well.

    The numbers on online dating are so discouraging, I've read lots and lots of profiles and even the ones that do seem interesting more than likely get flooded with responses from guys who are superficially and socially just better than you. I dunno, I try to avoid rejection and that's probably the best way to end up forever alone unfortunately, it seems absolutely shameless people can play the numbers game but I just can't do that. OKC is not very good in my opinion, it has a tinder like app and it seems like a lot of people use it the same with when it comes to swipe culture.