problem with letting people I should know are my enemies back into my life,

[unperson]

...hard to describe why I do this, cos I don't understand why i do it, and it's dumb, but I can completely forget all the nasty abusive stuff people do and get sucked in by the 'friendly' voice tone and the smile, and just interact with them normally, as though nothing untoward had been done to me by this person. I think it's partly not understanding they're 'frenemies', not friends, not perceiving deception. It started waayback with family, but it's been an ongoing problem

How do others deal with this, anyone relate?

 

[Mia]

After awhile you simply get sick of it, and you cut contact or fall out of contact. I've been in the same place. When an old friend who I've known since eighth grade called me a year or so ago after six years of silence, we talked a bit.

When I refused her request to visit and stay with me, she became quite nasty, and it was so familar. The difficult part is that you end up waiting for the next attack, because you know that eventually it will happen. No matter how nice and polite they are at first, on their best behaviour, it segues into something else, usually when alcohol or drugs are involved in some way at least in my own bio family's case. The less contact the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Part of the reason I've let people sometimes back into my life, is I guess I hope they're slightly different. That they have matured, that they somehow changed. Unfortunately that's usually not the case.

 

[Aspychata]

After awhile you simply get sick of it, and you cut contact or fall out of contact. I've been in the same place. When an old friend who I've known since eighth grade called me a year or so ago after six years of silence, we talked a bit.

When I refused her request to visit and stay with me, she became quite nasty, and it was so familar. The difficult part is that you end up waiting for the next attack, because you know that eventually it will happen. No matter how nice and polite they are at first, on their best behaviour, it segues into something else, usually when alcohol or drugs are involved in some way at least in my own bio family's case. The less contact the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Part of the reason I've let people sometimes back into my life, is I guess I hope they're slightly different. That they have matured, that they somehow changed. Unfortunately that's usually not the case.

So relate. We hope they changed. We talk ourselves into believing they changed. But it's a lemon friend. It's sour. It will never change.

I am not sure why l suffer from this
mindset. Maybe this is being human.

 

[Shamar]

Loneliness is a pain, both figuratively and literally. I have done this many times, allowing the need for "friends" (I know I never really had any) to overcome my common sense. I knew at the start they were going to betray me, but the (false) sense of having friends and lack of loneliness was worth the pain at the end. Until the betrayal hit and the real pain started. Then I suffered the pain of being lonely until someone was nice to me and the cycle began again. I finally decide to avoid friendship and just stay lonely. The overall pain was less and my autism diagnosis finally allowed me to understand what was really happening.

Like you, I hoped maybe they will change. The persons are different, but the people stay the same. To sum it up, predators need prey; that's us. As prey, it is our job to avoid predators.

 

[unperson]

Mm I'm thinking loneliness is part of it too.

Bad company or no company was my early adulthood option and I learnt and experienced things from the bad company types and also got used and exploited - there's parts of it i dont regret, but later in life I don't want them in my life.

 

[Progster]

For me it's 'two strikes and you're out" - I am prepared to give people a couple of chances, but if it happens a third time, that's it. I won't tolerate it and will cut off contact with that person.

 

[unperson]

I wonder if it's a boundaries issue, I should probably look into that

 

[Mia]

I wonder if it's a boundaries issue, I should probably look into that

Standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries, took me a long time to learn. And even now some people manage to break them, and I have to start all over again. Think for me, it's the idea that someone wants to be around you, and they enjoy your company. Yet you have to decide if they are bona fide. And that's difficult to know early on or ever, my naivete about people's intentions gets in the way.

 

[Domani]

Do we Aspies have a sign on our foreheads, "Screw me!" So many people have screwed me over and I wonder, is it just me? It can't be just me, so do others just forget and move on? Fortunately, I don't forget so I just cut them off completely. Fortunately, I'm also an Introvert so I don't need company and I don't ever get lonely. Unfortunately, whenever I meet a new person wanting to be friendly, I smile and wonder, "What do you want?" Too much baggage to carry around but preferable to getting screwed regularly.

 

[menander]

I totally understand. This cannot be understood by people who don't have it happen. To me, it's like my learning disability. It just cannot be learned and the more I try, the less effective I am at it. I only learned ALL PEOPLE are unsafe and never was able to navigate this whole "Yeah, this one is OK, that one, kinda, that one NOT." A smile and I am like, Oh! NICE!" It is a n LD for me

 

[unperson]

Standing up for yourself and enforcing boundaries, took me a long time to learn. And even now some people manage to break them, and I have to start all over again. Think for me, it's the idea that someone wants to be around you, and they enjoy your company. Yet you have to decide if they are bona fide. And that's difficult to know early on or ever, my naivete about people's intentions gets in the way.

Yes I have horrible problems discerning motive, I think this is the central issue, really bad at it.

 

[unperson]

Do we Aspies have a sign on our foreheads, "Screw me!" So many people have screwed me over and I wonder, is it just me? It can't be just me, so do others just forget and move on? Fortunately, I don't forget so I just cut them off completely. Fortunately, I'm also an Introvert so I don't need company and I don't ever get lonely. Unfortunately, whenever I meet a new person wanting to be friendly, I smile and wonder, "What do you want?" Too much baggage to carry around but preferable to getting screwed regularly.

Yes, it's that sign on the forehead, the mark!

A belated welcome to the site btw, I'm pretty random about responding to intro threads.

 

[menander]

Iwould add that we spend 1000 times more time cogitating over this than others!

 

[unperson]

I totally understand. This cannot be understood by people who don't have it happen. To me, it's like my learning disability. It just cannot be learned and the more I try, the less effective I am at it. I only learned ALL PEOPLE are unsafe and never was able to navigate this whole "Yeah, this one is OK, that one, kinda, that one NOT." A smile and I am like, Oh! NICE!" It is a n LD for me

Think I've decided it's a problem discerning motive (via Mia's post earlier).

Interesting about the LD angle. I don't have high hopes on improving.

 

[SDRSpark]

I have a tendency to do this too. There have been situations, also, where there's a lot of peer pressure to get along with someone (for instance, they're a 'VIP' in a particular field and everyone knows them, making cutting ties very difficult.) I also just can't fathom someone's motives are different from mine - I wouldn't take advantage of people that way, so I can't understand how someone else would. It doesn't make sense to me. I know intellectually that it happens, but I can't wrap my head around it.

Understanding my values, and setting boundaries, too, are both works in progress.

 

[Pistachio]

@unperson I would guess that there are people who you know did crummy stuff to you, and some people you don't know that they did crummy stuff to you. You may have a vague sense of something bad having happened but you might not know, so I would proceed with caution...treat all of them as aquaintances, not friends, the next time you hear from any or all of them.

@SDRSpark I would expect to behave professionally around the VIP, not as friends. So if you have to be somewhat sociable around the VIP, managers, etc you can be friendly (not friends) towards them, but keep a professional distance. This is how I am all the time now. At the grocery store? Not friends, just there to complete a chore.

 

[Giraffes]

I share the experience of not knowing that others have motives and manipulation involved in friendships as I live in ‘what you see and I say is authentic as I have been used often, I am extroverted and need people in my life, sometimes being needy and vulnerable is like a beacon to some, I have been dumped by ‘friends’ and have no idea or explanation from them why, getting better in this area, have decided to work of my boundaries and now know ‘how are you’ often means the expected response of ‘fine how are you’ I’d rather be alone now than trust all that enter my life.

 

[unperson]

I have a tendency to do this too. There have been situations, also, where there's a lot of peer pressure to get along with someone (for instance, they're a 'VIP' in a particular field and everyone knows them, making cutting ties very difficult.) I also just can't fathom someone's motives are different from mine - I wouldn't take advantage of people that way, so I can't understand how someone else would. It doesn't make sense to me. I know intellectually that it happens, but I can't wrap my head around it.

Understanding my values, and setting boundaries, too, are both works in progress.

Takes one to know one. I also don't have a lot of hidden agendas/motives, so get blindsided by others who do, sigh. Gotta be more cynical and selfish is probably the way to go.

 

[Els]

Same problem for me, it's a big part why I try to stay as isolated and protected as possible from other people - unless they've prooved to be reliable for a long time.
What helps me is to constantly separate my feelings and how I feel with what my reason and logic says about a situation. That way I'm less influencable, but it's a constant mental work. I cannot trust myself when it comes to being influencated by other people. What I can trust is my intuition when one side of my mind says "not good". In general, this side of my mind never betrayed me althrough it's "dark" the message is pretty clear, while the influencable side did me no good, ever.
Also, realizing that I've got the best intentions for myself while others might not have good intentions and/or might have no idea about what's the best for me was a big step.
I know that my own judgement about any type of situation is wanting me 100% good, while the others might not. I rarely was wrong even if I'm hesitant to trust my own intuition. I regreted a lot more in my life that I followed other people's influence on me and advices and opinions and viewpoints than my own. I rarely told myself "if only I had listened to this person", but it's a repetitive thing "if only I has listened to my own impression and not what that person was saying, ****". Now, I rather be wrong because of myself than be wrong because of following others. If I'm wrong, I'll assume and take responsability. No one takes responsability for me, therefore, no one is allowed to play games on me.
So, separating my feelings and emotions with a person VS what my reason and logic and sense of what is right/wrong say is very helpful. Having alexithymia doesn't help, because I might need some time off to figure things out; it's really difficult to do that spontaneously for me. But what really changed is realizing that I do have the best intentions for myself, therefore, a lot of my judgements are actually the best for me; even if they imply to be negative about others. I'm not blind. Given your message, you're not blind either, just unsure. I don't know if you're like me, but I know I'm unsure of other people's intentions because althrough I see that they're manipulating, I can't read their intentions CLEARLY. I can't read faces well, I can't read expressions very well either, I also miss a lot of subtext and understand things literally (etc), which is something that makes me unsure about being right or wrong about them.
I solved the problem in my mind by chosing my own safety and protection and follow my judgement even if it's not 100% sure. If I was wrong and it matters, then I'll change my mind without problem. I prefer being proven wrong but having kept myself safe and be more responsible for me; than being proven wrong by having taken risks and let myself be harmed "because I wasn't sure". It's a better strategy for me.
Also, I'm totally paranoid in contact of people being nice and warm. "Why are they doing so? What are they interested in?" is my first reaction. I'll check that until the deepest hidden parts. If there's something I'm suspicious about, the person is out. Again, I prefer being proven wrong in a good sense than in a bad one. Because being proven wrong in the bad sense implies that it's always me paying for other people's ****.

 

[unperson]

Just did a quick web search on ' how to discern people's motives' and there's quite a lot of material - others who share the same problem may wanna have a glance at some of that stuff. Just looking thru some now.