Problem Keeping on top of texting

[Sophia D]

Hello,

I used to rarely initiate a convocation through SMS /IMs , although I am better at this and am trying to push myself a bit more*

However, I've noticed that it can take *days* for me to reply to one of my friends' texts, I don't really know why it takes this long, and I am realising that this kills the conversation, and leaves a placid lack of interest from my part. They are obviously interested in me, and I want to be a bit more pro-active in how I express myself through these channels.

Maybe a reason could be the stress and lack of convenience when instantly replying, and so I put it off even though I know I shouldn't.

Does anyone else have these issues?

 

[Progster]

Does anyone else have these issues?

Sometimes, if I'm not really interested in the topic of conversation, or it's an open-ended, vague question like 'how are you?' or people asking about my news, but I haven't got any news or anything interesting to say.

You could try telling the person that sometimes it may take you a while to respond, but that doesn't mean that you don't want to talk to them, just that you are busy and didn't get round to it, and that it's nothing personal.

 

[Fino]

Why not answer as soon as you read it?

 

[Sophia D]

Why not answer as soon as you read it?

It takes a lot of cognitive strain, especially when you're focused in a particular task. So, it takes me several minutes to read, reply and wait for another response. It then becomes easy not to think of it. It also creates anxiety, waiting to know if my text comes across okay.

This doesn't mean that I don't like texting and communicating like this, but sometimes I feel its best to do it when I am free of others.

 

[Monachopia]

I'm the same as you, I take days to reply and hardly ever initiate conversations... It took a while to figure it out, but I believe I may have avoidant personality disorder, on top of the social anxiety. I fret over the words so much and how it might come across that I just end up not sending anything for days, I get stressed and anxious over talking even in text form. I usually leave the message on 'unread' status too, because I don't want to seem rude - like I've read it and didn't care, but in the end it amounts to the same thing, read or not.
The only way forward, is to actually force yourself to reply. If you want to talk to people, get in the habit of just 'doing it' right there and then. It might seem hard at first, but, lets put it this way, how would it feel if other people did the same thing to you? Read the message and didn't reply? I guess, what I'm getting at, is to treat others as you'd like to be treated, even if there is stress and anxiety and conscious mental effort to put words down... It'll get easier with time. ... I hope...

 

[Cazelle]

It also creates anxiety, waiting to know if my text comes across okay.

Are you more concerned about how you come across in a text than in face-to-face conversation? If you are texting friends then surely they already know you and you will just come across as you?

 

[Cazelle]

Maybe you could have some standard responses prepared and use one of those when you haven't got the time or energy to write out a more specifically tailored reply.

 

[tree]

I've noticed that it can take *days* for me to reply to one of my friends' texts, I don't really know why it takes this long....I want to be a bit more pro-active in how I express myself through these channels.

Maybe a reason could be the stress and lack of convenience when instantly replying, and so I put it off even though I know I shouldn't.

Since the demand of 'instantly replying' causes stress, how about scheduling a time
during which you have an appointment with yourself to answer texts? Sometimes
a thing that can be done "anytime" doesn't get done, because *I can do that anytime*
isn't any particular time. So 'anytime' easily turns into *not now, maybe never, oops
it just is too late now....*

You can be in charge of when you text/IM.
Choose a time that is workable for you.

 

[Suzanne]

Any one who asks "how are you"? Tends to get silence from me, until I can find a suitable answer that seems to fit who I am.

 

[GadAbout]

I personally think you can be however you feel like, when it comes to texts and any other form of social media. It's true that some "friends" feel rejected if you don't immediately reply. Put something on your profile about being bad at texting, and then just do whatever feels good to you. If someone newly tries to converse with you by text, warn them not to take it personally if you don't keep up via this medium.

It's like how some people feel very stressed by the social norms of Facebook. If it doesn't feel good for you - don't do it!

 

[Sophia D]

The 'how are you'? can be used almost anywhere, as it's very ambiguous. I suppose, with me trying to fit in, I'd find a logical, socially acceptable answer, e.g. tired, good or great. The problem with this is that your mask is just camouflaged. Social media can be an art designed to cause stress, re-enforce social norms by spreading them out to everyone.

Perhaps it's something in my head, a peculiar dichotomy of I want attention (texts = stress) vs. I want isolation (no texts = less stress). I could always set a time, but then I would be blanking out important people in my life (family/partners). If I check maybe 3/4x a day for 30 mins in total, it might work out.

 

[Peter Morrison]

Hi SophiaD, I don't think your dilemma is unusual. Texts can come at a time that is inconvenient for you. I see nothing wrong with protecting one's time. My phone goes off if I don't want to be interrupted. In terms of courtesy, a fast response is always best, especially when it is an answer to an important question. If you are not in the mood for texting, don't text. You are not obligated. I agree with Fino. He suggests answering right away and being done with it. But, the decision remains with you and your wishes should be respected.

Some texts are better played out in a voice conversation - too many questions back and forth and too many details to cram into writing. If someone is texting you, they clearly have the time for a 1 minute conversation. You have choices, so whatever works for you is best.

 

[Shamar]

Hello,

I used to rarely initiate a convocation through SMS /IMs , although I am better at this and am trying to push myself a bit more*

However, I've noticed that it can take *days* for me to reply to one of my friends' texts, I don't really know why it takes this long, and I am realising that this kills the conversation, and leaves a placid lack of interest from my part. They are obviously interested in me, and I want to be a bit more pro-active in how I express myself through these channels.

Maybe a reason could be the stress and lack of convenience when instantly replying, and so I put it off even though I know I shouldn't.

Does anyone else have these issues?

I don't have any of these issues, since I have a solution to all of them. I am one of those extremely rare perverted freaks without a cell phone. I noticed years ago that cell phones seemed to caused more problems and inconveniences than they solved, and decided not to get hooked. Bliss.

 

[tducey]

If someone texts me I usually text them back in a suitable time frame.

 

[sisselcakes]

It takes a lot of cognitive strain, especially when you're focused in a particular task. So, it takes me several minutes to read, reply and wait for another response. It then becomes easy not to think of it. It also creates anxiety, waiting to know if my text comes across okay.

This doesn't mean that I don't like texting and communicating like this, but sometimes I feel its best to do it when I am free of others.

Maybe the anxiety of worrying about how you will come across is the key. If you feel a lot of anxiety about how you will "sound" via text, you may avoid writing back immediately because it feels overwhelming. I tend to avoid things that make me feel overwhelmed. I usually put them off.

If it makes you feel any better, I actually enjoy "talking" to my ASD bf by text. We have fewer misunderstanding because I see the words only (not the tone of his voice or facial expressions that are hard for me to read).

 

[sisselcakes]

I personally think you can be however you feel like, when it comes to texts and any other form of social media. It's true that some "friends" feel rejected if you don't immediately reply. Put something on your profile about being bad at texting, and then just do whatever feels good to you. If someone newly tries to converse with you by text, warn them not to take it personally if you don't keep up via this medium.

It's like how some people feel very stressed by the social norms of Facebook. If it doesn't feel good for you - don't do it!

Absolutely agree that if you tell people upfront that you are bad about keeping up with your texts, they will be forgiving. They'll just figure "that's just how she is".