I have switched it over to saying we should arrange a day and time.....then never bring it up. I still have a goal in my head of learning to be some kind of a hostess to guests....but I have been too exhausted. Having someone over, no matter how casual, would mean I'd have to take off the next day at work, or the day after that, from exhaustion. And honestly, I think my conversational skills, and my weird looking home, wouldn't be very inviting to others....and then that would feel like yet another fail. So I feel very conflicted - but people wanting to just drop by suddenly??? Not happening, I would have way too much anxiety. Some relatives tried to do that and I couldn't handle it - we had to tell them I was too ill, and really, it was true. Another relative tried to plan a trip up here to spend a few days at least.....and then she dropped it. I was so glad. Massive anxiety, but felt obliged - I grew up in a family and culture where hospitality is king and so very normal. In my imaginary ideal, though, the home is clean, people think it looks interesting, not off-putting and weird - or don't notice it at all, and I have that knack of presenting really good sweets with coffee or tea....I haven't stretched it so far, even in my mind, to imagine that I also sever a really tasty meal. I would love to have that as a goal, to be a talented cook....but I have always struggled with clumsiness and distraction and lack of practice in the kitchen. I haven't even manage to consistently prepare the simplest of foods for myself while maintainng full-time work. Trying to decide whether I should keep that goal of cooking - wondering if it comes form within, or it's bowing to expectations from without...and how realistic it would be for me. I actually feel really embarrassed and ashamed of my lack of cooking talent. Not sure if that's because of a real inborn desire, or failure to live up to social standards.
Anyway, I hope no one has any surprise visits any time soon!
