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Potential dating unwritten rules, not sure what this means?

cfc

Well-Known Member
I’ve been talking to someone on social media for a while (they are also autistic) and I almost certainly know that I am romantically attracted to them. I’ve been afraid to tell them exactly how I feel and ask them out on a date (they don’t follow me online so I’ve been scared as to if they even like me, but the person is always nice when we speak and gives me autism-related advice when something in my life is tough or I have a question). However, I tried being more subtle and asked if they would be open to a relationship with the right person of if they are happy single. They replied saying they are happily single, but then they still say like “I’m a mood”. when I talk about wanting a partner and say they want to go on more dates themselves. Also, I called them cute ones and they said thanks - Not sure if that’s a good thing or not?!

The long and short of it is, When they say they are happily single in this context, do you think they mean they are opposed to any dates and relationships with anyone at the moment, or could they be, but they’re just not particularly bothered or focused on it?
 

Neonatal RRT

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I think the problem here is that you haven't interacted face-to-face, been with the person, read their verbal and non-verbal language, understood their life and personal truths,...you're trying to interact on social media,...and although this provides a "safe space", it is also one of the worst ways to understand people. You have to spend time with people to really get to know them. Whether this person ends up being a passing acquaintance, a friend, a part-time sexual partner,...or a life partner,...it all starts with meeting them. A lot of people have anxieties about meeting people,...that is totally normal,...even for neurotypicals,...but it is a necessary requirement if you are going to be in any sort of "relationship".

Sure, we can all continue to fire off our thoughts on this topic,...but I can tell you,...we don't know this person, and whatever we say,...probably BS. Muster up some courage and meet this person,...it doesn't have to be some formal, romantic, "date",...it could be a quick lunch, walk and talk,...just get a "feel" for each other. If it doesn't work,...no harm, no foul,...move on,...no big deal. If it does work out,...great,...but you'll never know unless you two take that first step.
 

Gerontius

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Why don't you try going and offering this person a chance to go to a restaurant or a library or something with you? If you two do some fun activities together, maybe you'd fall in love. Might be nice.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I second the sentiments about meeting. Before the internet when we actually had to talk to each other, one can tell a lot from intonation and cadence. So, I think asking them out to meet face to face is the necessary next step for you so you both can take a measure of each other. Being happily single could be an indication that they are well balanced and comfortable with themselves. That does not preclude them from enjoying a relationship with you.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained is all too true, and from what you say about the level of interest between you both, the prospects of them accepting an invitation look excellent.

Do not discount sharing even small experiences together. When you meet be aware of body language. Look them in the eyes frequently, it is thrilling to see another person's pupils dialate when they are interested in you. Keep an open aspect with your body and enjoy the communication. Finally, especially if you have an enjoyable meeting, FOLLOW UP!

Good luck, I wish you happiness.
 

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Try to remember just someone being nice to you doesn't mean they are romantically interested. That's a false assumption guys make often.

What does 'I'm a mood' mean.? Never heard that before.
 

Silhouette Mirage

S̷͕̲̔Ḷ̸̽̌İ̶̞M̸̲͆Ë̶̗̠
V.I.P Member
Don't do this, but... (but totally do it)

You can technically just ask, straight-up, point blank. If she says, "No, we're just friends", play it off like you were kidding. You'd really be surprised at what can happen if you just ask, and if you never do, you could be left wondering about what could've been.

YMMV, but I've had great luck with this blunt, straightforward ASD approach. It's how I met my soulmate, too.
 

@R4m53Y

Member
I’ve been talking to someone on social media for a while (they are also autistic) and I almost certainly know that I am romantically attracted to them. I’ve been afraid to tell them exactly how I feel and ask them out on a date (they don’t follow me online so I’ve been scared as to if they even like me, but the person is always nice when we speak and gives me autism-related advice when something in my life is tough or I have a question). However, I tried being more subtle and asked if they would be open to a relationship with the right person of if they are happy single. They replied saying they are happily single, but then they still say like “I’m a mood”. when I talk about wanting a partner and say they want to go on more dates themselves. Also, I called them cute ones and they said thanks - Not sure if that’s a good thing or not?!

The long and short of it is, When they say they are happily single in this context, do you think they mean they are opposed to any dates and relationships with anyone at the moment, or could they be, but they’re just not particularly bothered or focused on it?
 

Maggiepie

New Member
I would suggest meeting them in person before getting too carried away by romantic attraction. There is a lot of information about them that's missing until you get to know them irl. Try saying something like "weve been talking for a while and I enjoy the conversations we have. I've been thinking it would be nice to get to know you in person. Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" (or other public activity of your choice...walk in the park, visit art gallery.... If you have a shared interest maybe suggest something related to that.) keep in casual for now. see how you feel about them after you get to know them physically.
 

@R4m53Y

Member
I would suggest meeting them in person before getting too carried away by romantic attraction. There is a lot of information about them that's missing until you get to know them irl. Try saying something like "weve been talking for a while and I enjoy the conversations we have. I've been thinking it would be nice to get to know you in person. Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" (or other public activity of your choice...walk in the park, visit art gallery.... If you have a shared interest maybe suggest something related to that.) keep in casual for now. see how you feel about them after you get to know them physically.
???
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
R4m53y

If the "???" is asking for the logic behind Maggiepie's recommendation:

If there's any uncertainty, the protocol is to suggest a short, cheap meeting that either party can exit simply and easily.

This is the "meet for coffee" model, but there are lots of variations. Coffee is for chatty people, nature walks for those that don't like sitting still, walking in places with a lot of human action for those who don't like to talk etc.

The defining characteristic is that it's easy to disengage, which excludes drinking, evening activities, remote locations, etc.

It's also relatively easy to refuse something like this. No need for the usual annoying lies ("I already have a boyfriend" etc). And they can be used it to quickly and informally negotiate the possible scope of any continued relationship.

There should be an FAQ for stuff like this on the site (or maybe there is?)
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@cfc

I think you need to re-think your tactics. Trying to be subtle with an Aspie on this kind of topic is asking for uncertainty.

It would profile as an "F asking M out" case among NT's.
NT F's aren't used to being rejected because they hardly ever make the first move. But they have to be in denial about it being somewhat painful because they do it all the time to NT M's, and are not always nice about it.
The verbal gymnastics are a marvel of ego-protective complexity and indirection /lol.

IMO you need to either
* Follow Maggiepie's excellent suggestion above: effective and also the "path of least resistance" (remember only dead fish "swim" with the current :)
* Man-, Woman-, or GenderFlexHuman-up and ask a direct question. The downside of this is that the discomfort of making a negative response might induce another Aspie to ghost you.
(I wish NT's understood this about Aspies - I suspect a lot of the "lost BF/GF" NT posts here are because they pushed too hard, or messed up their timing).

Anyway - remember there are lots of options around the "coffee date" method. For example the request can be made even more indirect.
 
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Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
F's aren't used to being rejected because they hardly ever make the first move. But they have to be in denial about it being somewhat painful because they do it all the time to NT M's, and are not always nice about it.
That also applies to the ND also. Yet I had one nice rejection where the woman was very kind and mentioned that another women we both knew had their eye on me. I got a nice date for King Lear at Stratford, Ontario, out of that rejection. That led to my first relationship. Yet, though I had a crippling fear of rejection, I found out it is better to know first off rather than being ghosted.

I also learned that regardless of how I thought a date went, it was always good to follow up and thank her for the date.
 

Maggiepie

New Member
I would suggest meeting them in person before getting too carried away by romantic attraction. There is a lot of information about them that's missing until you get to know them irl. Try saying something like "weve been talking for a while and I enjoy the conversations we have. I've been thinking it would be nice to get to know you in person. Would you like to meet up for coffee sometime?" (or other public activity of your choice...walk in the park, visit art gallery.... If you have a shared interest maybe suggest something related to that.) keep in casual for now. see how you feel about them after you get to know them physically.
Just wanted to add on to this... There are many different types of relationships. Ex. Parent/ child, siblings, mentor/mentee, peer, acquaintance, close friend, romantic asexual, fwb, romantic sexual, monogamous, polyamorous.....etc. You already have a relationship with this person as a virtual support peer/autism guide. Here are a few questions to consider:
Are you equals in this relationship? Are you always initiating interactions, Or do they also reach out to you? Do they ask you for advice and lean on you for support as well? If you always initiate and are the only one reciving support it sounds more like a mentor/ mentee relationship. In a healthy friendship or romantic partnership, both parties initiate interactions and are able to be vulnerable and rely on each other for support.
What do you want this relationship to become? How does that compare to where it is at now?

From my dating experience I find relationships built in person more fulfilling and more rooted in being present in each others company when we are together. These relationships mostly use texting as a way of coordinating where we will meet up. These involve much less remote conversation. Then there are romantic relationships built on remote communication. I find these have much less physical interaction but involve more robust virtual exchanges. However I find this virtual intimacy detracts from being present and engaged in real life. For clarification I'm not talking about long distance relationships. I'm comparing relationships where we lived 1-15 minutes from each other.
 

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