Possible to get back ex-girlfriend with Aspergers years after a messy breakup?

[nowlasnie]

Hello everyone. My apologies that this is my first post here, but I've been incredibly conflicted, and well heartbroken. My ex-girlfriend has been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, while I've been diagnosed with severe depression.

Some backstory: We dated for five years. I came over from another country to live with her and her family. We lost our virginity to each other. I was in my early twenties at the time, she was in her late teens.

While there were many difficulties it honestly went okay (I mean we managed to be five years together). Unfortunately my family and friends weren't always supportive (She never wanted to see them, and when my family visited she was very cold and distant to them, which hurt my parents.) Plus I got very confused over my sexuality (I was abused as a child and always bullied that I'm gay when I grew up, even my girlfriend sometimes teased me with that.), which complicated things further. Of course we had our arguments here and there but all couples do, and overall we were happy.

When I moved to university, she started distrusting me and pushing me away. Every time I visited she randomly got upset and didn't trust me hanging out with friends or socialising in general, thinking Id cheat on her. This got so bad that even friends noticed this and started to voice their concerns, thinking she was too controlling. Plus my family still never really supported us (Though at the time my parents never got to meet her properly. Eventually they did and she was different, and they fell in love with her, and fully supported our relationship).

In the meantime her parents divorced which complicated everything. I supported her the best I could, even offered to find a dorm for us both, but she didn't want to leave her house. During this time my depression was diagnosed (I truly wish it happened earlier, but what can you do), and I went trough therapy. This coupled with further arguing and distrusting of my ex eventually lead to a breakup. This was my first breakup and I admit I could've handled it much better. However once her parents divorce finalised she moved far away to live with her mother, and eventually got her own apartment. So most likely our relationship would've been strained no matter what. Still it was a horrible breakup, especially cause it was both our first. I understand it hurt her much more because change is so difficult for her. I still feel so guilty for not handling this well.

After the break up I experimented with men, but realised I'm not into them. I still don't understand why people thought I was gay all these years, but that's not what matters now.

Two years after the breakup I decided to email my ex again, and eventually we added each other on Discord. Were both artists and had great conversations about art and video games, which honestly felt like old times. I slowly started to get my feelings for her back, but I didn't want to overwhelm her because I was happy were still talking, and enjoyed the friendship for what it was. However sometimes I flirted with her, and she was never insulted by it. Plus we discussed intimate things without shame. We started to make a game together.

Until this year. (4 years after the breakup) At this point were talking for hours on Discord each day, and finally I admitted to her that I still love her. She was shocked, but this time still polite. However she dropped this bombshell: She's already been dating a guy from another country for three years. But she never told me this in fear of that I wouldn't be friends with her anymore. (I never told her anything like this). Also she's never seen this guy in real life, only online. Plus they apparently won't be able to meet for two or more years.

I told her that I find it cruel that he's making her wait that long, and I even asked her if she loved him. She said that she didn't know, because they haven't met in real life yet.
But that she can't be with me cause she's already with him. I carefully tried to explain to her that since I graduated I'm a completely different person now, and that we never really had a chance at a normal relationship (We instantly moved into her parent's house), and if we could perhaps try again. She unfortunately refused, claiming that I'm lying to her and that i'll leave her again for somebody else, and that my feelings are fake. (I only started seeing other people after the breakup).

Eventually we got in a heated argument which sadly included her swearing at me, telling me that he's much better than me because he only spends time with her and doesn't need to go out or meet friends. I tried to tell her she never even met him, but she said she did on webcam. Also even if she was single she wouldn't get back with me, because I hurt her too much (Which I do understand). When I asked why she never refused my flirting, she said that every girl online constantly gets flirted with and they just have to deal with it.

After this we didn't speak to each other for two weeks. Then I slowly started to talk to her again, but she only replies coldly with one or two words. Plus she refuses every phone call. This went on for two more weeks, and yesterday she admitted it's because she's angry that I still have feelings for her, and to only talk to her when they go away, next year or whenever I get over her. She said she has plenty of friends, implying that she doesn't need me. This hurts me because like I said before we spent hours each day playing games or talking on Discord, and even making a game together. Now I don't even know if I'm even important to her.

Right now my plan is to not speak to her at all for a month, then after slowly start suggesting to pick up creating the game again. And maybe eventually after spending more time with her she might change her mind.

How can I explain to her that I'm a completely different person now (Much calmer due to anti depressants, my family fully supports us (I had a long conversation with my mother and she said she'd never judge me over any relationship, and just wants me to be happy. She would like to see her again)) and that we never had a chance at a normal relationship, and its really worth trying again. Without her getting upset or ghosting me after. Cause the hours spent on Discord each day show that were still compatible. But any time I even attempt to discuss any of this she gets angry, and threatens to block me.

Currently I'm in my early thirties, while she's in her late twenties.

I know there are many more women in the world, but damn it she just won't let me go. Plus finding anyone even close to her would be able almost impossible. I think she's truly my soulmate.

My dearest apologies this is so long, I just don't know what to do. What can I do to hopefully get a chance? Or is it even worth trying? Should I just settle for being friends? I genuinely think my biggest regret was breaking up with her, even tho it'd most likely be inevitable at the time it happened. How can I make her see this?

 

[Raggamuffin]

You never get over your first - it's the template for all future relationships, and if you loved them - it's almost impossible to get over that first feeling. A bit like how the first high for an addict is something they will never be able to replicate.

Now, whilst being friends with an ex is something most people avoid, it can be a genuine friendship for some. Most tend to avoid friendships with ex's because people change and they move on. Also, it's very easy to bring about old feelings - whether these are good or bad. There's also the risk of bringing up old grievances as well as possibly falling for them again.

Long distance relationships are hard - as you brought up, the main reason being the need for one person to move location, or to spend a lot of money on frequent visits, whilst also dedicating a lot of time to online conversations, voice chats, texts and emails etc. If anything, they're higher maintenance than a typical relationship.

Whilst you feel you've made changes and positive improvements - how comparable was your argument to one's when you were dating? Her comment about her current partner being better than you and "only spending time with her, not going out or meeting friends" - this is a huge red flag. This highlights an insecurity that will cause havoc in a relationship.

It's all very well wanting to spend lots of time with your partner, but never going out or seeing friends, and dedicating themselves solely to their partner? That isn't healthy in the slightest.

Also, whilst you may want her to go back to you - would you feel comfortable with someone who's willing to drop a 3 year relationship when an old flame says so? It doesn't feel like a solid foundation to build a relationship from.

Personally, I would say don't go back. I often find myself picturing what it'd be like if I dated my ex. She suffered from depression, self harm and other issues. We tried numerous times to be friends again. We first dated in college 17-18 years old. We tried to be friends again throughout our 20's and every time it would end with a colossal argument and then never speaking again for years at a time.

As someone who's suffered with depression for 17 years, I can say that you can make a relationship work, but in all honesty the past is the past. Depression can cause a lot of issues with socialising. Like her giving your parents the cold shoulder - the amount of people who have been put off by me when my mood is foul. It might be why she feels safety and craves someone who does dedicate themselves to her 24/7 - almost an addiction in of itself.

People can change - but is treading over old ground good? My second partner was a bit of a rebound from my first relationship. I went back to this person 3 times over the course of 7 years. Every time I was trying to force it to work, convinced I could be happy - that we'd changed for the better. But a compatible relationship isn't the sort that will end. The reason people break up is because it isn't working. Be weary of the nostalgia of "old times" and the stranglehold a first love can have over you - it clouds your judgement.

I'd say remain friends, if it doesn't lead to frequent arguments, but believe me - it might. Also, as time goes on the tunnel vision of loving someone or liking them can give way to a fuller sense of who they are. When we like someone, we tend to focus on the positives - rather than see them as a complete, and imperfect person.

I'd suggest you tread carefully. A trip down memory lane is nice in thought, but can be chaotic in practice.

All the best,

Ed

 

[menander]

You really have to move on. She has been very, very clear. She has moved on with a new guy and new friends. It hurts like crazy, but you are pushing into a door that has been closed by another person and you don't have the right to keep pushing on it.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

How can I explain to her that I'm a completely different person now (Much calmer due to anti depressants, my family fully supports us (I had a long conversation with my mother and she said she'd never judge me over any relationship, and just wants me to be happy. She would like to see her again)) and that we never had a chance at a normal relationship, and its really worth trying again.

You don't. She's in a relationship, respect her ability to choose who she want's to date.

What can I do to hopefully get a chance? Or is it even worth trying?

You can do nothing. It is not worth trying. She has made her position perfectly clear, accept it.

Should I just settle for being friends?

Don't be that creepy guy friend who only hangs around in the hope that the woman will break up with their partner and realise that they are the better option. Seriously, don't be that guy. No one likes that guy. If you feel that being friends with this woman is "settling" then maybe you shouldn't be friends with her at all.

Accept that this relationship has been over for a long time as is not going to be rekindled no matter what you do. Move on with your life.

 

[kettenkrad]

Going beyond the fact she isn't interested in you -

Eventually we got in a heated argument which sadly included her swearing at me, telling me that he's much better than me because he only spends time with her and doesn't need to go out or meet friends. I tried to tell her she never even met him, but she said she did on webcam.

Her definition of a healthy relationship is horrible. That she hasn't met shouldn't be the problem - its the idea that someone should have no relationship except with her.

 

[Jumpback]

I relate to a lot of what you are saying, and I don’t think society or the psych profession is fair to male victims of sexual assault or childhood molestation, it confuses things so much. And society being in the middle of gay advocacy movements makes it that much worse. My sexual assault issues were not taken seriously and I had two roommates who had similar issues to yours, and people just are not sympathetic, they see secret things when no secret things exist and they somehow end up seeing repressed things and hate and secret motives and endless other nonsense.

And I have also lost girlfriend who was perfect for me over misunderstandings, and honestly, people not being nice to me over sexual assault issues and so on, which just caused endless other problems

The bottom line is one has to move on and build a life around other people and forget about would have/could have/should have.

And then if the should have ends up working out, it ends up working out.

But I am not able to let go of the past or the nice relationship with my ex-girlfriend who I also feel like is my soulmate either, so I am just saying things that I know I should be doing, but can’t manage to

There is a classic rock song that contains the lyrics “hang on loosely” that come to mind and another that contain the lyrics “lighten up while you still can, don’t even try to understand” that come to mind.

But things that just should have been without nonsense added in are the worst to let go of. I am not doing very well myself with what I know I should be doing.

 

[Jumpback]

In the natural world, at least in relation to social mammals, the male in charge often has sexual relations with many female mammals. Depression is kind of a sign of weakness and non alpha status as is being a victim of sexual assaults and having trauma over this. The whole thing is made worse by current social messages and even by assumptions that passive males beat down by external events might be gay, and even by trauma causing sexual orientation issues, though while being a real thing, is off limits to mention, let alone get help and advice for due to the stigma of mentioning such things due to power of gay advocacy presenting clear messages that, while being accepted, aren’t neccesarily true.

I really don’t think that women realize that although women get sexually harassed and abused and raped at far higher numbers than men, their realities are clear, and that their issues are known issues, which are very clearly presented.

For men there are like 20 extra secret things going on. Like professional athletes or professional musicians are somehow automatically more attractive, while men care little about women’s status and standing and her being at the top of whatever she is doing. But no one ever explains why this is, because it is an off limits topic.

But nothing is explained because it all seems intolerant somehow.

But one just has to let go and forget things and move on, but it can be really, really, really hard

 

[Jumpback]

Like just try to forget your ex-girlfriend and look to positive things that don’t involve her and which move you forward and look for new possibilities and new adventures to look forward to, and if things work themselves out with her, they work themselves out with her. This advice is for me trying to convince myself to do such things (if not more) as much as it is for you.

 

[Tom]

Not if she doesn't want to.

 

[Bolletje]

It’s time to move on. She doesn’t want to be with you.