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poor hygiene

saraelizabeth

Well-Known Member
Hello. New here. Very glad to have found this forum.
I have been married for 7 years. Almost immediately after getting married my H changed and so did our relationship. About 2 years ago a AS friend of mine was talking about being an Aspie. That?s when it clicked to me that my husband may be an aspie also. He fits many many of the characteristics. He is an accomplished scientist, does very well in his work, but cannot maintain social relationships. He has no friends and only speaks to his family a few times a year.
Early in our marriage I began to feel an emotional disconnect from him. I expressed this to him and he would say that he felt things were fine. This disconnect grew and I began noticing other things that seemed sort of off, like his being and taking everything literally. He would say and do things that seemed to lack common sense. ?Absent-minded professor? he would call himself.
Since my diagnosing him (he is really not diagnosed and is in denial), I have read and educated myself on aspergers. I now understand better why he is the way he is. I am still learning how to deal with the aspergers in terms of communication and making our marriage work. However, there is one thing that I cannot find an understanding for and that is his very poor personal hygiene habits! He wasn?t this way when we dated (which wasn?t very long). It seems that as soon as we said ?I do?, he stopped brushing his teeth and showering.
So, I guess my big question is, ?Is poor hygiene common in aspies?? And how should it be dealt with?
In the beginning, I focused on the oral hygiene. I talked to him about it. I wrote him letters and emails about it. I found medical articles about how it is bad for your health etc?.Finally after a few years he is to the point of brushing at night, when I am around. Never brushes in the morning. His reasoning for not brushing in the morning?.it makes his coffee taste bad.
He only showers once or twice a week. Many times it is less than that, sometimes more. I have asked him over and over again why he doesn?t do it. His answer is always that of a 12 year old?.a non answer really with a strange guilty smile and child like laugh. We have been to counseling twice. When asked by the therapist why he showers so infrequently he gives the same non-answer.
Now there is a huge absence of intimacy! He wants to be physically close and have sex, but I am repulsed by his dirty hair and teeth and his unpleasant odor! Who wants to kiss a yuck mouth! I am also hurt that he cannot find it in himself to work on this problem?..a problem that is tearing our marriage apart!
He doesn?t believe that our lack of intimacy stems from his poor hygiene. He would say, ?I showered every other day for a week and there was still no sex.??therefore, it must be something else.
What to do?.what to do!
 
Sorry about that :) and it's hard to change someone's habits if he's not willing to work on the problem. As for how common the poor hygiene is... 1st I believe there're tons of people (probably mostly men :) ) on the spectrum or not who would behave like that after marriage. They just relax and do whatever is comfortable for them and then, if a partner mentions how unpleasant it is for her or him to deal with poor hygiene, they have a choice to compromise or not.

For an Aspie I believe in many cases there has to be a very good reason for compromising or changing habits, those reasons have to be valuable to him/ her, make sense and be clear.

Some people don't like taking showers etc because they don't think it's necessary, some have sensory issues.

You might want to try to be more open and as clear as possible about your issue. You might want to avoid blaming him but just describe how you feel. As for his comments about showers and no sex, you might want to say that ..let's say you can't promise to have sex with him every time he showers, and that's not the only reason why you want him to do that.

Have you said how you feel about it? And if yes, what was his response?
 
I agree, I think sometimes people really relax their personal hygiene habits once they are married or are in a long-term relationship due to familiarity with their partner. The whole, "let it all hang out" mentality. Which isn't always sexy.

I don't brush my teeth in the morning, either. Bad me, but it's more laziness on my part than anything else.

I think it might be an idea to sit down and elaborate clearly why his hygiene habits [or lack thereof] is impacting on you. I find that sometimes people will tell me not to do <x>, or conversely to please do <x> but I have no understanding of why and will unintentionally persist until they actually give me their rationale. Once I hear of their rationale, then I find it much easier to comply with their request.

You may also find giving him a schedule for various personal grooming habits useful. You can pin it up somewhere and it can a little chart stating what he has to do in the day and in what order [brush teeth, have shower, brush hair, shave...]

PS: I would be a little cautious about ascribing the Asperger's label onto him just yet, unless he consents to a professional dx. It might be so that he is on the spectrum, but I think that diagnosis should ultimately be left up to professionals [i.e. those with formal knowledge in spectrum issues] than from laypeople reading books.
 
saraelizabeth...

I can relate all too well.

I've been with the same man for over 10 years. My biggest two issues are his inability to bathe more than once a week and that he is emotionally distant (or at least so hyper focused on two things that me and the household come last).

When we first started dating, he bathed more often. I would say 4 times a week. However, he had ONE dirty towel that he would use over and over and not wash, which I thought was strange, but I thought it was just the bad habit of a young bachelor. We had a great time together... could talk all night long, laugh and hang out. He never paid for my meals, took me on dates or brought me flowers etc. He did, however, obsess on me, pursued me and he was hyper focused on ME for two years, which was pretty nice. So, in the beginning, there was tons of attention and wonderful conversation.

These days, he's more focused than ever on his work and his love of photography. He can tell you anything you ever needed to know about lighting and lenses. Everything else fades away. And I mean everything. He can get excited about a concert that he wants to see and talk about it all day long... but to this day he doesn't know how I take my coffee, what my favorite color is, that I may be worried about something or someone, how to use any of the appliances or where a folded towel should go. Yet, he pesters me to be more affectionate and for sex. He tells me things like "I should be able to have sex with my WIFE!!!". He later apologized for his outbursts... but... it's still sitting in my mind... luring me to leave. Ladies... I think you can understand what this does to your self esteem.

Over the last 10 years I've tried the following things to get him to bathe more than once a week:

1. Getting in the shower with him. I witnessed him twirling the soap in circles while standing under the water with his head down. He didn't even really notice I was there. It was creepy.
2. I tried different soaps, soft sponges, soft washcloths, baby shampoo etc. None have helped. He actually complained about one soap I got him because he hates the television commercials :/
3. Offered sex after bathing, but it became annoying because he would get all excited and do a lousy job of actually washing himself. It started to annoy me like... "where's my prize! I did the minimum!" It wasn't because he loved or respected me... it felt like he just wanted his "prize"... like a 10 year old boy.
4. Left him about 10 times. Stayed with friends or my mother. He would bathe every other day for 6 weeks then back to old habits. I guess I could try being gone every 6 weeks?
5. I tried setting up a calendar, email reminders and would verbally praise him when he stuck to it. He hated it. He doesn't want to talk about it... period.
6. We went to marriage counseling. I didn't mention the bathing thing until the 6th week because I didn't want to hurt him. Upon hearing this the counselor said to him, "You are sabotaging your marriage". I got 8 weeks of solid bathing out of that one. Only cost $1000!
7. I told him (and this was mean, I realize) that I am ANGRY and DISGUSTED with myself for staying with a man who doesn't respect me enough to bathe. He told me that he was sorry, didn't know what was wrong with him yet didn't change.
8. I slept in a different room in the house. This seemed to get to him. Not enough to change completely, but this move was the most upsetting to him.

The other thing... when he DOES bathe, he's in there for 60 minutes, yet... I don't smell soap. It's the strangest thing. I'm super sensitive to smell and I can tell that the soap hasn't gotten much smaller or the liquid soap container is still full. So, that's another argument... I ask nicely "why can't you take a 20 minute shower?" and he blows up about it.

During all of this, I haven't wanted to touch him. He doesn't have the best oral hygiene so I haven't really kissed him in 5 years. I don't get close enough these days to know what's going on in there lately. About 2 years ago, I started sneaking vodka right before sex so I could tolerate it. Then I thought I was pregnant and... well... wake up call. I realized that I do NOT want to have a child with this man or become an alcoholic and I had a bit of a nervous breakdown. A wake up call, if you will.

I realized that I had let him get away with this for SO long and had been a martyr about it. I had a not-so-perfect childhood and thought that him not bathing was so minor compared to the mind games my parents put me through... so... I buried my opinions and continued to lose respect for him and for myself.

So, I can say with confidence that this does NOT get better and I've tried almost everything. If anything, it's gotten worse and his ability to put the blame on ME is getting more efficient.

Our husbands may or may not be aspies. Someone mentioned sensory processing disorder and this fit my husband to a T. That with maybe a little bit of autism.

Ironically, my husband worked with a man who was definitely an aspie. He'd come to work smelling like a kitty litter box, he wouldn't shave or brush his teeth and he would show people naked pictures of his ex wife. My husband thought this man was vile and horrible, so any mention of aspergers and my husband would immediately get angry. My husband doesn't think he has any issues. Right now he's convinced that *I* am the problem... which is awesome.

I urge you to get some help for yourself. The fact that you are letting him get away with not bathing... there's a reason for this and it's probably because you are enabling him to do it. NONE of my girlfriends would tolerate this. NOT ONE. I'm the jerk who did (I say that with sarcasm). So... please, explore WHY you allow it and don't let it go too far or you'll end up resenting yourself.

On the other hand... there are people who are more "earthy" and don't mind BO or man sweat smell. If you don't mind it then... roll with it. But I had NEVER dated a guy who didn't bathe. All of my ex boyfriends showered regularly. I can't believe I married a guy who doesn't bathe! (It's SO embarrassing!!!)

Please keep us posted! If you find the magic pill, I really want to know!!!!
 

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