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Platonic and long distance relationship between autistics

Billthecat

Active Member
Do you believe something like that could work or you prefer the dear old human contact?

Why some people search this kind of relationships?

Feeling loved?

Less dangerous than real meetings?

Being afraid/disgusted by human contacts?
 

Knower of nothing

Well-Known Member
It works for me, though I did not actively look for it as I just got infatuated with someone I was already friends with. I wanted to get closer so I did. Long distance allows me to spend a lot of time with someone while using up comparatively little of my social battery. I don't think I'd have the energy to commit to getting closer and connecting with someone if it took being in their presence the whole time.

If you are afraid or disgusted by human contact make no mistake, even text online can reach uncomfortably close, so it's really only the physical element you erase. Like you fear being hit or seen or something like that. It doesn't spare you from being judged, misunderstood, disliked or you hurting others.

As for between autistics specifically, I'm not sure it matters too much. Anyone with some experience being the weird one can make it easier as they'll have enough perspective. You can also always run into self-absorbed folk that won't be able to be considerate towards your weaknesses, regardless of the state of their brain.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The experience with my future spouse shows that this can work. While I think she is NT, we met when I called her about ride sharing. This was back when cell phones were only imagination. We talked together for a couple of months and became friends. She was in Chicago, I in Detroit. Eventually we met, and dated for half a year, dealing with the logistics of travel. I was confident in our relationship and moved to Chicago to be with her and for better employment opportunities.
 

Tom

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Nothing new about it. Folks been doing it for 355 years. String telephones are also known as lovers telephones for a reason. Might have even been earlier versions like lovers smoke signals.
slide_1.jpg



;)
 

Shaddock

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Do you believe something like that could work or you prefer the dear old human contact?
sure, it can work, it depends on what people want. but I think for most people it only works, when they move together after some time, so when it´s only a long distance relationship for some time and not forever.

Why some people search this kind of relationships?
maybe they randomly met someone in the internet and fell in love.

Less dangerous than real meetings?
just meet in train stations, restaurants, parks or other public places. I don´t think that it´s that dangerous to meet in real life. only don´t invite the other person to your appartment/house as long as you don´t know him/her enough. and don´t visit him/her in his/her appartment until then. and don´t tell your surename or your address.
 

Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
I'm terrified that if people who met me online then meet me in person, their expectations will be too high and they'll end up thinking I'm weird or annoying or too intense and they won't want to be my friend in real life. I have had this actually happen to me before. It happened very recently, with someone I had known online for years. She didn't feel the same about me in person, she said it was because I'm not as articulate in person so I'm harder to have conversations with and she felt like she was talking to a child. More reasons to make me want to keep everyone at arm's length :(
 

Billthecat

Active Member
Luca (do you know I still think to Luca as a male, here the female version is Lucia)

You stole me a smile, remembering a young me going to impossible dates organized by friends, family, priests and newspapers sellers.

Always with positive intentions, at least, sometimes we had huge laughs, other times we just get a wrong date with a complete "stranger".

I took so many years to understand everyone is different, we couldn't find our perfect clone (and I think will be scared/disgusted)

Better search for someone with common interests but skills we don't have, to help and improve our growing.

Not so long ago I found one woman going in my school years ago, when buses still got rock wheels.

She was considered the "top girl", something like the head cheerleader of Burgertown, we talked a lot at the bar, when her three daughters went busy with playing, she confessed she had a crush for me, and I was so dumb to ignore her.

I thought about that for some time, then I just said:- past doesn't come back, good luck Jessica, and good luck raising three daughters alone too-
 

Shaddock

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I'm terrified that if people who met me online then meet me in person, their expectations will be too high and they'll end up thinking I'm weird or annoying or too intense and they won't want to be my friend in real life. I have had this actually happen to me before. It happened very recently, with someone I had known online for years. She didn't feel the same about me in person, she said it was because I'm not as articulate in person so I'm harder to have conversations with and she felt like she was talking to a child. More reasons to make me want to keep everyone at arm's length :(
you can either agree or disagree, but in the past when I used contact apps my thinking was like "better not write (too much) before, so that no expectations are build up and so that everyone can be genuine in the meeting."

I tried to implement that and it worked... partly. most people want to write for days or weeks before a meeting, even when they live in the same city. but I see the danger that they get a wrong impression and build up expectations and that the meeting can only be a disappointment.

and when you meet instant, you can not have any expectations and can not be disappointed. either it fits or not. sure some informations are important to share before, but not much.

and the meetings I had instantly developed sometimes to friendships. (without writing before that). the other meetings developed into nothing, even with much writing before that.

I wrote with some people in the past for many months and when we called, we don´t liked each other and the contact broke up. one of many reasons why I don´t want to focus on writing. writing creates a fata morgana, a view of a person who maybe not exists, because 95% of informations are not shown in writing (voice, undertone, emotions, mimic, gestic), so misunderstandings are very probably and it´s very probably that you get a wrong impression of someone.

phone calling is worse then meeting in person, but 100x times better than writing, because at least you have voice, undertone and emotions (from voice). mimic and gestic misses. also it´s a different feeling when someone stands in front of you. or when you can hug someone. the sheer presence of someone makes you feel different and it makes the "contact experience" different.

I know people who said that they only want to meet people in person, because they are convinced that this is the only good and healthy way to get contacts.

I´m similar. I think in person contacts are the best, but I think calling with people from online world and meeting persons in real life can complement each other. I would also meet online contacts in person, but it´s not possible because of the big distance most times. but I met a few people from online in person so far.

I once called with someone each day for weeks and when we met in person, it not fitted for her and she broke up the contact.

so what I learned:

when the person lives in the near and meetings are probably: meet, don´t write too much before that and don´t call too much.

when the person lives far away (most online contacts) and a meeting will probably never happen: don´t write too much, focus on phone calls.
 
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Luca

charm & chaos
V.I.P Member
Luca (do you know I still think to Luca as a male, here the female version is Lucia)

You stole me a smile, remembering a young me going to impossible dates organized by friends, family, priests and newspapers sellers.

Always with positive intentions, at least, sometimes we had huge laughs, other times we just get a wrong date with a complete "stranger".

I took so many years to understand everyone is different, we couldn't find our perfect clone (and I think will be scared/disgusted)

Better search for someone with common interests but skills we don't have, to help and improve our growing.

Not so long ago I found one woman going in my school years ago, when buses still got rock wheels.

She was considered the "top girl", something like the head cheerleader of Burgertown, we talked a lot at the bar, when her three daughters went busy with playing, she confessed she had a crush for me, and I was so dumb to ignore her.

I thought about that for some time, then I just said:- past doesn't come back, good luck Jessica, and good luck raising three daughters alone too-

Thanks for sharing that :)
And yeah, the past doesn't come back, so I guess it's better if people are honest with us in the moment.

You can call me Lucia if you'd like :) Where I live, Luca can be used as a male or female name.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I tried to implement that and it worked... partly. most people want to write for days or weeks before a meeting, even when they live in the same city. but I see the danger that they get a wrong impression and build up expectations and that the meeting can only be a disappointment.

and when you meet instant, you can not have any expectations and can not be disappointed. either it fits or not. sure some informations are important to share before, but not much.

and the meetings I had instantly developed sometimes to friendships. (without writing before that). the other meetings developed into nothing, even with much writing before that.

I wrote with some people in the past for many months and when we called, we don´t liked each other and the contact broke up. one of many reasons why I don´t want to focus on writing. writing creates a fata morgana, a view of a person who maybe not exists, because 95% of informations are not shown in writing (voice, undertone, emotions, mimic, gestic), so misunderstandings are very probably and it´s very probably that you get a wrong impression of someone.

phone calling is worse then meeting in person, but 100x times better than writing, because at least you have voice, undertone and emotions (from voice). mimic and gestic misses. also it´s a different feeling when someone stands in front of you. or when you can hug someone. the sheer presence of someone makes you feel different and it makes the "contact experience" different.

I know people who said that they only want to meet people in person, because they are convinced that this is the only good and healthy way to get contacts.

I´m similar. I think in person contacts are the best, but I think calling with people from online world and meeting persons in real life can complement each other. I would also meet online contacts in person, but it´s not possible because of the big distance most times. but I met a few people from online in person so far.

I once called with someone each day for weeks and when we met in person, it not fitted for her and she broke up the contact.

so what I learned:

when the person lives in the near and meetings are probably: meet, don´t write too much before that and don´t call too much.

when the person lives far away (most online contacts) and a meeting will probably never happen: don´t write too much, focus on phone calls.
I am just relieved that after much time on the phone with my future spouse that our meeting went as well as it did. We had become friends by phone and after a day that left me looking like I had been riding on top of a car in a rainstorm, I showed up on her doorstep . . . in a Mickey Mouse Wifebeater, shorts and muddy boots. When I first saw her, I thought, so tall, so svelt, and clean. She thought that I looked harmless and I appreciated the shower and getting into clean, dry, clothes. She cooked some comfort food, a nice Tuna casserole. She was being so nice. So after supper we went through gear and a packing list, then turned in, me on the sofa. A very practical first meeting, but it added to our friendship.
 

Forest Cat

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I am just relieved that after much time on the phone with my future spouse that our meeting went as well as it did. We had become friends by phone and after a day that left me looking like I had been riding on top of a car in a rainstorm, I showed up on her doorstep . . .
I remember you shared that story, I still think you were lucky she didn't call the police. ;) :D It's a good story.
 

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