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Featured Permanent damage?

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Why is that, Apr 20, 2017.

  1. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Hey all, this is my first post. My ex is an aspie, unfortunately I did not learn this till after our second split. The first split he stop talking to me because I pushed for an answer as to what we were. After 3 ignored texts over 6 months, we started talking again.

    Things were going well we were casual but it was obvious we cared about one another. I had a scary health issue and was upset that he wanted to talk about work and didn't appear to care about my health. I was angry and said some mean things then told him he never has to call me back. A few weeks later my health worsened and my friend texted him to let him know (without my permission). He subsequently changed his number.

    I get that he's upset and doesn't want to have anything to do with me. I would have reacted differently if I knew he was an aspie (a mutual aquaintence informed me after the altercation). There is no way of predicting the future and I don't want a romantic relationship anymore because it's not healthy, but I miss my friend. Aside from this he was always very supportive, but I did have to walk on eggshells with him. The impression I've gotten is that he doesn't have too many real friends if any and im his first gf (were both in our mid 30s. I've heard so many mutual aquaintences (supposed friends) making fun of him. I hate myself for hurting him. I guess there is no real question, but it is difficult to move on from this. I've been educating myself on asperger since this happened in case we communicate again and because I want to understand him. Any input, advise or observations are appreciated.
     
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  2. tree

    tree Blue/Green Staff Member V.I.P Member

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  3. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi Why is that welcome to the site. Apologies that are genuine and well-meant are often accepted by Aspies. You might consider that in order to keep your friend.
     
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  4. NeoPhile

    NeoPhile Can I get a "Bright not Broken"?

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    Hello, WhyIsThat!
    Welcome to Aspies Central!
    As far as your ex, I think he may have misunderstood your relationship. I don't even think he understood what you meant when you asked him "What are we?" That just sounds like a fluffy, substanceless question that I wouldn't have an answer for.
    I know what it's like to have someone disappear from the planet after you got to know him/her. Just take it one day at a time and maybe you'll see him again.
     
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  5. xudo

    xudo something V.I.P Member

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    Welcome
     
  6. Southern Discomfort

    Southern Discomfort Rambunctious Rambler V.I.P Member

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    Hello!

    Yes, I think what you're dealing with here is a lack of cognitive empathy on his part. A stereotypy of autism. It might look like he doesn't care but the truth is that he is more likely to not understand how to be supportive or show interest and caring in other's problems. He has no doubt had other problems with people in the past, other negative experiences so he knows how these situations usually play out for him, probably ending in a relationship ending, like it has here.

    He might have black and white thinking too, another stereotypy. So he assumes either the best or the worst in situations and there's no in betweens. Which will make changing his mindset to be quite hard.

    A lot of autistic people also say they feel emotions a lot harder than others. The problem is that a lot of us have problems with expressing it and so it gets bottled up inside and we don't know how to release that in a positive way. Which end up with rumination which can go on for weeks, months, years.

    Most of these things are only possibilities though and doesn't reflect everyone on the autistic spectrum.


    giphy (8).gif
     
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  7. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Mia, if ever given the chance I would apologize but he has changed his phone number. I could easily get it but do not want to cross over into stalker mode either. We have mutual aquaintences but I don't want to involve other people since he is a private person.


    View attachment 33183 [/QUOTE]
     
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  8. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    i'm a man and I'm autistic, and I am also alexithymic.

    All I can offer are my own perceptions:

    If you are in a relationship with an individual on the spectrum, then you need to know and be accepting of the traits on the spectrum, as much as the individual is....

    It is not that I don't want to communicate, or express how I feel - I can't. Period.

    So when I can, if I can, it is a significant moment requiring tremendous energy to do so. When the moment is criticized or not accepted or compared then it destroys the effort ecause it took effort and once agin I missed the mark or did not pass. Why, because I have studied the behavior of others and I have attempted to mimic that behavior through my action in order for the world around me to better be with me. So when it does not work, it really points out that my observations were incorrect and that my portrayal was incorrect - in those moments one phase really stands out "why try".

    Why should I try to help you be accepting of me, when in a world of empathy and diversity and equality - it is you who should be accepting of me and my disability.

    Most people on the spectrum are extremely loyal to those they are close to, connected with regardless of the level of connection - why, because it is so hard to connect and what we can connect with is cherished.

    So stay away from him unless you are willing to change your views and humble enough to be accepting of who he is and is not.
     
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  9. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Very good post if I do say so myself.
     
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  10. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Keigan, thank you for your reply. Please bear with me because I'm still trying to figure out the reply with quote. Not sure if this matters, but my health issue was a pregnancy so it added a separate level of stress to the situation. He did not want to have the baby but accepted my refusal of an abortion. The day that I yelled at him was the day that I found out I was having a miscarriage. I was upset about that and I had attempted to reach him earlier in the day. That night I texted him about the loss of the baby and he called immediately.

    The whole pregnancy was stressful and I wanted a baby but not under those circumstances. I felt a ton of guilt about keeping a baby he didn't want and I felt like I tied him down to me. I told him that he got his out and that he didn't have to deal with me anymore. I went into dump or be dumped mode. During the pregnancy we talked about our relationship and I was upset because I was under the impression that he cared more than he said he did.

    I understand the difficulty connecting with people. I finally found a person that I trusted and loved, but I couldn't figure out why he was constantly hot then cold with me. We kept things more casual the second time and we were getting closer it seemed.

    I plan on staying away from him simply because he has changed his number and it appears that he no longer wants to have anything to do with me. I am trying to forgive myself for the situation that our irresponsibility and my outburst got ourselves into. I'm not ready to be around him yet, I am still dealing with the depression of a lost pregnancy and relationship as its only been a few months. As I said in my original post, I would have behaved differently had I known about the autism and I have been reading as much as I can on the subject. At this point I can only hope that given time he will forgive me and want to resume a friendship as a romantic relationship is too much pressure for the both of us.
     
  11. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Holy cow.... when it rains, it pours.

    BTW, you never need to answer a question that I ask, simply there for thought and reflection.

    Most people on the spectrum don't respond well to surprises, sorry about that one.

    Most people on the spectrum need significant time alone and significant time to process things, lots to process in this last few paragraphs.

    Best of luck with things, K


    Here is something else to research;

    Alexithymia affects 10% of the general population. It is a condition where an individual might not have emotions and more than likely has no little to no ability to expels their own or recognize emotions in others.

    Wiki for Alexithymia:

    Alexithymia - Wikipedia


    An online test and forums for Alexithymia:

    Online Alexithymia Questionnaire
     
  12. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Keigan thanks for the information I will check the alexithymia further. Sorry about all the added information regarding the situation. I guess I have a hard time not wanting people to judge me, I suffer from anxiety and depression also. Last night I had a dream about him not wanting to talk to me and I woke up so upset, it was like everything culminated into a mine in my mind.

    I'm trying to move on as best as I can, but I feel this unbearable pain at the thought of never seeing him again and trying to get others input as to whether a person can move past this and want that connection back (I get that is a human thing as any person, Aspie or not will react differently). I just hope that he connected with me enough that months or years down the line he will want that back in his life. In the end I want the best for him, if its best that I am not in his life then that's a fact I accept.

    Looking back on this situation, the thing I most regret is that I never trusted my own opinion. I let others cloud my judgment as to how a "normal" person behaves.
     
  13. Keigan

    Keigan Restless Mind V.I.P Member

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    Very simple, You love him.

    Gain strength from that love for him, for if you set the example he will probably come around. I say that because most people on the spectrum are either trying too hard to invent a relationship, or are indifferent and willing to be in one through their partners choice.

    In the end, the only opinion that matters is yours.
     
  14. MrSpock

    MrSpock fascinating

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    I'm on the spectrum and have had a friendship with someone which I really hope will turn into something more. I guess I might be perceived as being 'hot and cold' with her, but I've really been hot all along. I have a difficult time knowing when she's hot or cold, and from my perspective she seems very much like that... not that she necessarily changes her mind, but it can either be the right time or the wrong time for me to try to get closer in different ways. When it seems the wrong time for me to try to become closer I may be colder than is appropriate.

    I've recently begun talking to her again after about six weeks, when we last talked it sounded to me as though she was dumping me. Two days ago she talked about not having support, to which I replied that I am here for her. She then said that I hadn't texted her for weeks, and said it as though she'd expected me to keep communicating despite her having told me that I wasn't even to say 'hi' if we saw each other on the street. I took that quite literally at the time, that seems to be an aspie thing to do. She often confuses me by saying the opposite of what she means.

    It seems to be a normal thing for NTs (neurotypicals, those not on the autistic spectrum) to say the opposite of what they mean, or something not quite what they mean, and I assume accompanied by non-verbal cues which help with interpretation. I am not alone in that many people on the spectrum fail to recognize these cues and therefore become confused as I try to make sense of many statements which are taken literally and apparently contradict each other. If you've attempted to communicate with him in this manner and it was concerning breaking up he may well think that you meant it, he may also be frustrated because he feels he cannot hope to understand you. If you communicate in this way and are honestly willing to change that for him you might consider an apology which includes this information. I don't know your situation well, but that might easily change things for me in the right circumstance.

    I agree that it's difficult for us to make connections and they are therefore precious to us. It's possible that he feels that your communication problems have resulted in hurt for both of you, we sometimes give up on romance because it tends to hurt the very people we are trying to make happy. Again, an indication that you have awareness of this and are willing to go through that just to be with him could make a big difference.
     
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  15. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Mr. Spock, I will definitely note that if I get a chance to apologize.
     
  16. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Mr. Spock, I am curious as to why he would go so far as to change his number, like I stated my friend reached out to him because she was concerned that I was not handling things well. I told her not to because I knew he wouldn't respond, but she was there with me during the miscarriage and at the doctor. For me it just seems that he changed his number because he doesn't want me in his life period. I understand where the confusion was regarding the lack of communication. When we first dated, we were together a lot, like 5 days a week and when we weren't together we were on the phone for hours. It was a bit overwhelming for me but I didn't know how long it was going to last and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. The second time we were together, I tried not to take it personal if I didn't hear from him.

    We have a lot of chemistry, but it is very clear that a romantic relationship puts too much pressure on the situation. He seemed surprised that I was in love with him and responded that he would have ended things had he known that and cares about me but only as a friend, but his behavior was not that of just a friend so that is part of my confusion.
     
  17. MrSpock

    MrSpock fascinating

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    To be honest I really don't know why he would change his number, I know little about your situation.

    To speculate, he may feel that you being in love with him is a greater responsibility than he can handle. It does seem that (at least at one point) he did want more than just a friendship - "...we were together a lot, like 5 days a week and when we weren't together we were on the phone for hours. It was a bit overwhelming for me...". My friend has accused me of being overwhelming, and she's not the first one, but I've only ever heard that from women who I was interested in romantically.

    More speculation, he may have changed his mind. I can't tell what is going on even when I'm involved, I can't be sure of anything about your situation from the little I've read.

    On a more positive note I just returned from a bicycle ride on which I happened to see my friend as she waited in the A&W drive-through, first time I've seen her since March 8th. She's not doing well at all and didn't even come close to smiling, but she thanked me for flowers I dropped off the other day at the hospital when she was out on a pass, I'd just found out that morning that she was there. It's sweet just to see her, to know that she exists.
     
  18. OkRad

    OkRad Well-Known Member

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    Welcome!
    I am neuro diverse. I am not capable of having relationships but want them badly. I recently fell terribly for someone from afar. Took no steps, but it aches so much. I dated an aspies once who felt the same. That he could not . Not that he DID not want to , but could not.

    <sigh>
     
  19. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    Mr. Spock, I am curious as to why he would go so far as to change his number, like I stated my friend reached out to him because she was concerned that I was not handling things well. I told her not to because I knew he wouldn't respond, but she was there with me during the miscarriage and at the doctor. For me it just seems that he changed his number because he doesn't want me in his life period. I understand where the confusion was regarding the lack of communication. When we first dated, we were together a lot, like 5 days a week and when we weren't together we were on the phone for hours. It was a bit overwhelming for me but I didn't know how long it was going to last and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. The second time we were together, I tried not to take it personal if I didn't hear from him.

    We have a lot of chemistry, but it is very clear that a romantic relationship puts too much pressure on the situation. He seemed surprised that I was in love with him and responded that he would have ended things had he known that and cares about me but only as a friend, but his behavior was not that of just a friend so that is part of my confusion.

    I'm sorry to hear that she is not doing well, I hope that it is nothing too serious. I'm glad that you were able to see her and it made you happy.

    I've turned my post into a speculation as to what he is thinking, so I will stop now. I have his words contradicting some of his behavior and I need to continue to stop obsessing about it for my own health. I appreciate all the insight you and the other posters have given.

    At this point I will continue to hope that he reaches out, but for now I will just have to accept the situation as it is...
     
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  20. Why is that

    Why is that Active Member

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    I apologize for being naïve, but can you explain more about why you are not capable of having a relationship? Do you get too attached, are you detached?

    This situation has made me realize that I no longer plan on pursuing a romantic relationship in the future with anyone, because while being in love feels great (the two times its happened in 20 years), the pain of the loss is far too much to deal with.