People who can't handle being wrong

[Christian T]

AH! I just had to start this thread, even if it's in the wrong spot.

It is so frustrating sometimes that some people seem to be so determined to always look as if they know everything, and are in control of everything. If something confuses them - it happens - they often label it as stupid and nonsensical, diverting the attention from their own imperfections. When it's someone else who's confused about it - let's say it was Maths homework - but they're not, they say, "It's easy!" A friend of mine belittled his Maths homework the other day because he couldn't get it. It was really hard to take him seriously, but it could so easily have been an area of maths that clicked for him, and then he'd act as if he couldn't understand why anyone would be confused about it.

It's just very laughable that a very popular way for people to criticise, say a comedian for example, is to say, "I don't get this guy." That's really more of a reflection on them, then on the comedian. It shows that they're style of humour doesn't just click with their mentality, and that's fine. It's perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of, but people are ashamed of it, and try to shift the blame.

When they've never heard of someone quite well-known, they belittle them by saying things like "who's heard of him?" If they make a small error, like saying stalactites instead of stalagmites, they'll say "same diff," but if someone else makes the error, it suddenly is very important.

Lastly, I once spent ten minutes trying to explain to a girl in my French class how one particular verb was an exception to a grammatical rule. She kept explaining the rule to me, as if I didn't understand, and I kept explaining that it was an exception - what else was I to do. Nobody seems to trust that I might actually know something they don't! Then later we both looked it up to be sure (I didn't realise she had), and I started to show her the proof I'd found, but she cut me off saying brusquely, "yeah, yeah, yeah, I know!" even though she'd just spent ten minutes arguing the opposite.

Why can't they just accept that they were wrong, that it happens, and deal with it?

Please tell me what you think. If you think I'm just getting upset over nothing, please let me know, I can take it.

 

[Soup]

You have a lot of insight into human behaviour, ChristianT: you'd make an excellent shrink!

Naturally, I've encountered people like this too. they have a combination of 2 things going on a lot of the time: A towering ego combined with a fragile self-esteem. The towering ego acts as a defence mechanism for the fragile self-worth. If they act like they know it all, much of the time, people won't challenge them much. Also, people who aren't sure of their own information, will accept theirs (the 'never wrong' person's) since they seem so certain. So long as nobody comes along who can 'out" them for spreading misinformation or for being flat-out wrong about something, they get away with it.

Another type of person who can't stand being wrong & can never just say, "OOPS! My MISTAKE! Thanks for the correction." is a person who isn't really at fault for having this short-coming. When they were kids, any little spill or mistake set some parent on a rampage. The child was overly lectured, punished & sometimes physically abused for every trivial wrong-doing. the child raised like this becomes scared $#!Tless about making any kind of error because the consequences of such have been unbearable for him. Even if he knows you won't lock him in the closet for mis-conjugating a verb, making a mistake triggers the fear & the terrible memories.

This sort of person never learns to differentiate between a minor misstep, a trivial error & being WRONG (having done something truly 'bad'). Being wrong about a maths problem, being wrong about the spelling of a word or over sports trivia is a minor thing for most people. Spilling coffee on a counter top is an annoying thing, but you mutter some foul words & wipe it up. It shouldn't make you fear being harmed or humiliated. The kind of person who sees even the tiniest error as a catastrophe has a form of PTSD & shouldn't be placed in the same category as the first sort of 'always right' person. They need help & to learn that it is 'okay' to make mistakes. This is one critical way humans learn!

Back in my Pre-school teaching days, there was a 4 yr old boy in my class who was like this. He'd play & behave like any typical kid BUT one day, he accidentally spilled his yoghurt on the floor. His reaction; his terror & visceral fear was indescribable. the other kids came to console him & tell him, "Ce n'est pas grave. Ce n'est rien." But he was stiff, screaming & not even making a sound!!!. It took 6 months of daily work with him when things were calm. We even made a lesson plan around spills & dropping things & making a messy mistake & what to do when it happens.

We all knew from observing this boy's reactions over time that something was dreadfully amiss at home. Then, one day, the father came in with the mother (instead of Grandmaman). The mother was shaking in her boots afraid of that man. He was one of those stick of dynamite people: tall, wiry & strong like a black haired & tanned Clint Eastwood or an old west gun-slinger from a movie. He bellowed for his son to get his @$$ over here. All the other kids just froze. The boy became like a fast-moving robot doing his father's bidding with mechanical precision. Another time, he came to pick up the boy & we (2 teachers) went discreetly to the window to see what he would do once outside of the Montessori. He snatched the boy up by his collar & waist-and & THREW HIM like a sack of potatoes into the back of the van. We took the license plate # & reported him to both youth protection & 911. The boy went into foster care.

The other teacher knew the social worker & found out that the boy had been placed permanently with an apparently good home & was doing well. Wherever he is, he'd be turning 27 in December & I think of him often & hope that his new family was able to help him heal.

 

[Marycv]

I encounter people like that all the time, and it's so annoying. My dad is worst of all of them. He always thinks he's right and everyone else is wrong. I don't get why can't some people accept they may be at fault or wrong. It's like they can't admit that they aren't perfect, when in reality everyone makes mistakes (even the best of us). That is what I think, anyways.

 

[Pella]

There are times when I have a hard time admitting I am wrong, it is an issue of low-self esteem for me. It is worse the bigger deal i made about whatever it was I was insisting I was right, and then the fear that the person won't let me forget how wrong i was. Although, movies is my special interest, and my roommate was all the time insisting that someone was a certain person or from another film we watched. And I would tell her she was wrong and I would look it up, and sure enough she was wrong. One time I insisted that she was wrong, so then I looked it up and she was right, I was wrong. And she tried to make a big deal out of how wrong I was, but because I was almost always right, I didn't let it bother me, I just said, well it was bound to happen sometime. But I have always thought I was kind of slow, and so the things that I think I know, I would try to hold onto that really hard, and so to find out i was wrong about something i was sure of, is kind a shot to my ego which isn't real solid to begin with. Yeah we should just admit when we are wrong; everyone makes mistakes. But I understand where it can be difficult to do so.

 

[Tarragon]

@soup, what you did probably stopped years of abuse for that kid, and you should be rightly proud of helping him. It's really nice to know that someone has been helped so much, as so many people have to grow up in a screwed up family environment which takes decades to unravel for that person after - if it's ever possible.

As for handling being wrong, I don't like being wrong but if I am I don't worry about it. I just accept it and change what I am doing to the right way. I have come across so many people who can't do this, it's both hilarious to me and also frustrating, annoying and downright nuts!

I suppose it's human nature, but some people never grow up enough to handle it. It was a real problem for me in my last job, for example, when I was supposed to manage a bunch of trainers who were all doing things the wrong way, but insisted they knew best! They never changed, and I left the job because it was too stressful. Looking back though, I'm able to see how I was wrong in my approach. I shouldn't have tried to fix things and just let them carry on doing what they were doing. That's what everyone else did in that office, and they still have jobs, and I don't. Of course, that's where my stubborn aspie trait for being honest and truthful really caused me problems. If something IS wrong, I just can't let it be.

I don't think you're getting upset over nothing CT, but I do think it's really really important to understand this nature of human behaviour so it doesn't trip you up in the future like it did me. Well, if you want to hold down a job that is! (I'm trying not to go all bitter and twisted about this here!! :bounce

 

[Christian T]

Indeed, Soup, what you did was incredible, and of course life-changing for that poor boy. We'll never know what sort of a 26-year-old he has become, but you gave him the chance to live a fulfilling life.

Of course I'm not judging people who are scared of being wrong because of their upbringing. That's about as within their control as when and where they're born. I do believe we should be much more patient with them then we should be with those who put so much effort into seeming right in order to feed their ego.

You have a lot of insight into human behaviour, ChristianT: you'd make an excellent shrink!

Thanks! Funnily enough, I have chosen to do psychology at school next year. It's a possibility!

@Tarragon: thanks for the advice. That's one of the reasons why I still haven't made a move towards getting a job yet. Partly because a full day of crowded spaces, heat, flashing lights, busy conversations and the like really scares me, and also because I'd carry the expectations to be treated with total respect and decency by the adults even if I'm only 17. It's also the whole job interview thing of white lies and advertising myself.

Anyway, the way I normally go about pointing out other people's mistakes, is that if the mistake has little effect - like writing "your" instead of "you're" and "they're" instead of "their" when what they've written can still be understood - then I won't mention it. If it was a similar situation to the one you faced at work, I would point it out, because it would be valuable. An inability to admit mistakes is also an inability to learn from the mistake, and to learn correct/better/different alternatives.

Does anyone think that it's harder for aspies to teach these alternatives because we're not very good at seeming right even if we are (or, on second thought, I might just be speaking for myself here). If you spot a blatant, significant error that someone else has made, how good are you at confidently correcting them?

Oh, and lastly, Pella, I know how you feel. Movies are my special interest too, and it can be so humiliating for me when I make mistakes about them. I just feel like it's one of the few areas that I can be certain of, so it does hurt when I'm not. Although, I still just say, "oh well," or "sorry, yes," move on, and don't make too much of a fuss about it.

 

[imagesbyholly]

I find it best to just accept that people will behave that way. You might naturally correct or explain something, the way that you would like someone to supply correct information to you, and find that some people react strongly. That is my cue to take on an attitude of "whatever" and walk away ignoring them. Not giving in, of course- I take an sort of polite (not swaggering) air of "I know I'm right, but I don't give a bagel if you want to continue thinking the wrong thing.

We have some family members like this and all you can do is ignore them and change the subject, talking only to the sane ones, or wander off and do your own thing. I've learned it's best to diffuse the situation that way- and often the offender is left looking pretty dumb and overly dramatic.

 

[Soup]

"I know I'm right, but I don't give a bagel if you want to continue thinking the wrong thing." -Holly

Sometimes this is all one can do with people like that. there's no sense in arguing. Sometimes it can be like arguing with someone who is insisting that the Earth is indeed flat as a crepe. Short of taking them up in a spaceship & flying them around the thing (a costly & dangerous way to prove oneself right! & even there, they's claim you somehow rigged it!) there's just no convincing them. Leave them to their ignorance & let them boast of how they 'won' the argument. Save your 'people credits' for someone actually worth spending them on!