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People Pleasing

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How can I stop every moment of my life people pleasing ? I have found this is the only way I am fully accepted in society . Which is something I learned when I was a child .

It has seemed to backfire on me now . This is expected of me 24/7

The constant grind to be expected to be part of the social circle and expected to make everybody happy is getting harder to cope with . If I don’t people please I am considered, cold ,distant, *******, selfish are some terms used to describe me .

I do this @ the expense of my mental and physical health. I don’t have the strength and energy most of the time to do things that I love which recharge me .

Is anybody else going through this?

Has anybody changed this behavior?

If so how ?
 
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Same for me honestly, I give off a pretty aloof vibe most times, being happier in my company and refusing to leave my comfort zone. Sometimes it helps especially after experiencing extreme stress, anxiety, worry or other bad emotions. It'll all be okay :) <3 But yes, if you really don't feel like acting that way for others, you can take it easier on yourself. Best to learn to do that too.
 
Great question, Moogwizard. I've often felt this way, too. I think some of it is that non-Autistic people just have a very different sense of socializing and reciprocity than we do. If we don't mirror emotions or adhere to a certain idea of hierarchy and group dynamic, we get punished. A lot of non-Autistic people seem to take this personally, and we get pressured into people pleasing to avoid that.

I also think we're rarely appreciated for who we are, so most of the acceptance we find is through masking or people pleasing. I've noticed the more Allistic I act, the more accepted I am. I can do very well on a date, or with friends, or coworkers the more I mask. But, if I'm myself? Then I'm seen as moody, oppositional, or stuck up. And that's because I'm being quiet and mostly solitary. I'm not even debating or arguing or anything.

Of course, there are Allistic people I really get along with, and Autistic people I don't get along with. I don't mean to make it Us versus Them, but we can't deny our differences. Much of what gives us pleasure (avoiding eye contact) is not pleasurable for Allistics. So we will always have conflicts.

I think it helps to detach from their view and conforming to their pleasure, while finding more likeminded people, though that's not easy. I work with disabled people, and every day I hear dismissive comments toward Autistics, so it can feel like there's nowhere safe to turn. And I think we're all used to being laughed at or dismissed because of some benign behavior we have, which is misinterpreted by Allistics. Yet, when we laugh inappropriately, this is worth diagnosing.

Personally, I try to keep focused on my interests and passions as a form of purpose. Staying true to that inner drive is one way to avoid people pleasing.

I hope you find your way. You're already making good progress by quitting the band you were in. Some people give their whole lives to pleasing others who mistreat them.
 
I brought up this point in a thread, when on an airplane they always say "secure your own facemask before assisting others."

I take this to mean first take care of you, before you worry about others.

I don't know you personally, or the crowd you're pleasing all the time, but I would find a way to tell these people, if you are feeling extremely stressed, that you need "you time," and don't take no as an answer.

Mental health is very important, as the brain drives the vehicle we call our bodies, think of it as your routine maintenance, and go recharge.
 
This is expected of me 24/7
I made this mistake when I was a teenager and trying to develop a social life. I didn't even know the word autism back then but I soon realised that I was unable to cope.

At least we didn't have mobile phones back then, pretending you weren't home was easy.

They say that autistic people need their routines but NTs are definitely creatures of habit and they will stick with whatever habits you have created for them. And they will whinge and whine whenever you do something to break those habits.

So you need to start setting boundaries, creating new habits for your friends to get used to. This could be as simple as never staying out late at night except Friday and Saturday - sorry people but I have to work in the morning and I need my sleep.

Or it could be a matter of only socialising on certain days of the week, because I often worked long hours Monday Tuesday and Wednesday were off limits to me. Friends learned that if they wanted to catch up with me on those days I was available for a quiet beer and a chat but that was the extreme limit, if they wanted to get a bunch of friends together and party I encouraged them to do that and they only found out at the last minute that I wasn't coming too.

Don't try to make excuses for yourself. Manipulative people will jump on that as an opportunity for an argument as to why you should keep doing things their way. Simply tell them you're not going to be around on certain days of the week and enforce that decision, turn your phone off on those days. It won't take very long and your friends will get used to their new routines and habits.

Admittedly my workplace was also my haven from people and I kept that sacrosanct. If someone phoned me at work they only ever did so once, I was very blunt with them. Coming to see me in the workplace was also met with poor humour.
 
How can I stop every moment of my life people pleasing ? I have found this is the only way I am fully accepted in society . Which is something I learned when I was a child .

It has seemed to backfire on me now . This is expected of me 24/7

The constant grind to be expected to be part of the social circle and expected to make everybody happy is getting harder to cope with . If I don’t people please I am considered, cold ,distant, *******, selfish are some terms used to describe me .

I do this @ the expense of my mental and physical health. I don’t have the strength and energy most of the time to do things that I love which recharge me .

Is anybody else going through this?

Has anybody changed this behavior?

If so how ?
I understand where you're coming from. I feel that, at least in my case, 'people-pleasing' must be changed to 'parent-pleasing' as I was a parent-pleaser in my youth to avoid their anger, and the habit just develops into pleasing all people so you don't get punished. :/

It's really hard to get out of this cycle because standing up for one's self seemed ingrained to be something not to do. It feels just so off to stand up for myself. It takes a long time to learn how to be kind to yourself. I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without my fiancee who has helped me unlearn many things from my youth.
 
To stop pleasing others may be difficult or not, but has a price. So I would ask you if you are ready to pay the price.

The way I see it, and I can be wrong, you are a pleaser in your group because thats the price you must pay to be "tolerated". I can be wrong, because on this I talk from my own experience, but the more I read about autism and masking the more I found this to be something we all share to some degree.

Autistic groups tend to be more or less democratic in nature, in the sense that we seem to think that every one deserves a similar degree of aceptation and respect, so we talk similary to adults and childs, to authority and outcasts, to famous and ignored people. Very much like kids do. Autism is a neurodevelopment "disorder/condition" which means that we retain some child aspects on our brains while NTs dont. On top of that, on western societies we are said that we are all equal, we are told our rigths and so and so.

But if you pay some attention to apes social structure, to dogs and wolves social structures and to human evolutionary social structures you will see that we are not all equal. Its a lie.

In any human group are leaders, followers with special benefits, plain followers and servants or outcasts that are just tolerated or directly abused. As we dont even see those human leadership structures, we mess with them by talking when we should not, by expressing our oppinions when our social position is to just obey, by acting weird... So we are servants in those groups. If we happen to say "left", the group will go "rigth" to show us our place. If our plan is the better one, it will be ignored to show us our place. Any idea will be ignored if it is not presented and approved first by an influential member that will take the credit. We are passengers but never drivers, we are pleasers.

What happens if we dont pay the price? Well, we can be bullied, we can be kicked of the group, we can become strangers. Fortunately our modern society can provide services to strangers in cities. So you can get food, home and other services by just paying money. A stranger can expect some level of police protection and medical services too. It was way worse in the past.

So if you decide to stop being a pleaser you may need a B plan. Maybe another group, maybe some friends that you can connect with, maybe some family, maybe an animal companion. Because we are social creatures, and total solitude leads to deep depression in most of us.

Once you have a B plan, you may find that you can stop pleasing others.

Best luck.
 
In addition to the great advice offered in this thread so far, I would encourage you to have confidence. Both in yourself and in your worthiness of being allowed to be all things… Sometimes the helper, sometimes the receiver of help, sometimes the imperfect one, sometimes the tired one, sometimes just Moogwizard, neutral and not needed by anybody.

As you already know, I have played this role, too, and it sounds like many of us here have learned how to survive this way. It’s only half survival though, because then everything unique and gritty and important about us can simply fade away and die. There are too many great things about you, that you have shared on this forum, to let this happen. For example, even behind your helping nature is a wealth of knowledge and experience and understanding. These are things to be proud of and appreciated by others, never taken for granted and never just expected. They are gifts, and they should be received gently.

It simply sucks when you or any of us here have to approach a battle every time we want to just exist in our true colors. Like taking the nasty comments of others, constantly reminding yourself that your needs are worth the same as others, and finding the words to defend yourself in a way that will not cause nuclear war in your social circles.

As Atrapa Almas mentioned, there likely will be a price. But he is a good one to learn from, as he is not a people pleaser, and it is good to know that there are people out there who are existing in this way and better for it. Some of us have to learn after slogging through the trenches for too long, but it is not the only way to live… Constantly pleasing people.

This is a very very basic notion, but one that I think of often and that is: Can you treat yourself the way that you would treat others? Can you apply your helping and comforting skills to yourself right now? If you met yourself, wouldn’t you give them the same kindness you give to others? Wouldn’t you believe that they deserve to just exist in the world as themselves without feeling so badly about it?
 
That is the surefire way to lose yourself. Especially entering adulthood and feeling isolated and lonely, I lost myself trying to please everyone. It took a lot of work to claw back my agency and recognize that those people were not concerned with my happiness and that I needed to advocate for myself.

I think it is especially important for us to establish clear boundaries and our agency to avoid being whipsawed by the expectations of others who take without giving in return. Plus, developing my agency allowed me to be truthful when some in authority did not relish my analysis.
 
Is anybody else going through this?
Damn near all of us, I'd wager. I can certainly relate.

The only thing that helps me to mitigate it is simply being in my old age when I'm slowly becoming utterly indifferent to what people think of me. Though believe me, I can't recommend old age as any means to an end, either.

On occasion it can be liberating, and at other times it privately hurts when so many seem so programmed to expect or demand me to conform to a thought process that I simply don't have. No matter how kind I try to be to them.

Worse still when it comes from those within my closest, pathetically small social orbit. Which never seems to end.
 
How can I stop every moment of my life people pleasing ? I have found this is the only way I am fully accepted in society . Which is something I learned when I was a child .

It has seemed to backfire on me now . This is expected of me 24/7

The constant grind to be expected to be part of the social circle and expected to make everybody happy is getting harder to cope with . If I don’t people please I am considered, cold ,distant, *******, selfish are some terms used to describe me .

I do this @ the expense of my mental and physical health. I don’t have the strength and energy most of the time to do things that I love which recharge me .

Is anybody else going through this?

Has anybody changed this behavior?

If so how ?
I think I would need an example or circumstance you were put in to better understand your overall question.

A vague response looking at this objectively you will not make everyone happy. Its not possible and their value to you in your life may make you feel you need to put in more effort or adapt but in retrospect relationships are a 2 way street. I find a hard time keeping true to myself and do my best to moderately remain "decent" towards others which is a malleable plane that shifts constantly with others. So by the time you catch up to meet a demand it has already shifted. I feel I remain extremely neutral as I can but sometimes that doesn't mesh well either. The good ole human psyche.
 
Thank you everyone for the suggestions personal experience examples and perspective.

It’s seems this is relatable to some people on here .
 
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I definitely have a tendency to people please. It became exhausting and was definitely affecting my mental health.

Luckily as I was at the point of burning out, I landed a job in a pretty tough environment and I learned to reel it in a lot more and put my "size thirteens" on when necessary.

I sometimes feel like people perceive our need for boundaries and solitude as some kind of defiance they need to try to crush. It's like they pull out all of the manipulative tricks in the book to make us compliant as they perceive it. But we just basically aren't playing the "game" they think we are and they think it's all done kind of clever 4D chess move they need to outwit.

People pleasing is what I did and still do to some extent, so I don't incur their wrath.

I saw a good quote a while back it goes... "Toxic people will accuse you of holding a grudge when really all you are doing is setting a boundary."

I really do prefer setting boundaries these days and I stick to them as firmly as I possibly can.

I don't know if I have any particular advice, but I can certainly relate to your frustration and you have my empathy! :)
 
I was a chronic people pleaser for most of my life. When I was a child, it was legitimately a matter of life vs death, or safety vs harm.
This carried over into adulthood because I obviously developed complex trauma issues and was still afraid of dying or being harmed again.

I had extreme difficulty setting boundaries with friends, and got walked all over by toxic and abusive friends who took advantage of my kindness and willingness to give the benefit of the doubt. Most of my friendships in early adulthood were completely one-sided.

It wasn’t until I started to like and accept myself that I started to feel less of a need to please my friends. I started getting more confident about saying “no,” and voicing differences of opinion and disagreement.
I ended up losing a fair amount of friends, but developed closer bonds with some who came to have more respect for me for standing up for myself (and for them.)

I no longer have any tolerance for one-sided friendships, or friends putting me down and bullying me. I’ve gotten comfortable and confident about saying “enough is enough” with conviction. Because I have learned to like and accept myself, and give myself the kindness, compassion, support, safety, and courage that I didn’t have as a child. I had to do that on my own.
I’m quicker to move on now and more cautious to justify or forgive.

I do still care what other people think about me, to an extent, and I am still frightened by confrontation, and I’m working on that. But I don’t turn myself inside out to please people anymore. I like the person that I am, and I’m not afraid to set boundaries.
I think that the more you can do to build confidence, be kinder to yourself, and establish and maintain healthy relationships with firm boundaries, the less you will want to please everyone and make unnecessary sacrifices.
Hope this helps.
 
I don't have a social circle, but often find it hard to say no to demands of my job. I also find it hard to ask for money, even when I'm entitled to it. Things like asking for a bit more money in line with inflation are really hard for me.

I rationalise it in my mind and tell myself that businesses that don't raise prices in line with inflation don't survive, and that I'm in my rights to ask for a bit more money. Prices can't stay the same forever and if I don't ask for the money, I'm depriving myself, and I have to survive just like everyone else.

I have to make a decision and stick with it, and remind myself that it is fair, and not fair to me if I don't do it. For me, fairness is very important, both towards other people and to myself, and that becomes a motivation to take the decision and stick with it.
 
I understand where you're coming from. I feel that, at least in my case, 'people-pleasing' must be changed to 'parent-pleasing' as I was a parent-pleaser in my youth to avoid their anger, and the habit just develops into pleasing all people so you don't get punished. :/

It's really hard to get out of this cycle because standing up for one's self seemed ingrained to be something not to do. It feels just so off to stand up for myself. It takes a long time to learn how to be kind to yourself. I wouldn't be here, where I am today, without my fiancee who has helped me unlearn many things from my youth.
Whoa that's so totally true especially for me as a teenager ;w; but I'm getting through just fine and still have faith :)
 
That is the surefire way to lose yourself. Especially entering adulthood and feeling isolated and lonely, I lost myself trying to please everyone. It took a lot of work to claw back my agency and recognize that those people were not concerned with my happiness and that I needed to advocate for myself.

I think it is especially important for us to establish clear boundaries and our agency to avoid being whipsawed by the expectations of others who take without giving in return. Plus, developing my agency allowed me to be truthful when some in authority did not relish my analysis.
Wow, that's deep, I like it and I'm proud of you! You Go Champion ^^ :)
 
In addition to the great advice offered in this thread so far, I would encourage you to have confidence. Both in yourself and in your worthiness of being allowed to be all things… Sometimes the helper, sometimes the receiver of help, sometimes the imperfect one, sometimes the tired one, sometimes just Moogwizard, neutral and not needed by anybody.

As you already know, I have played this role, too, and it sounds like many of us here have learned how to survive this way. It’s only half survival though, because then everything unique and gritty and important about us can simply fade away and die. There are too many great things about you, that you have shared on this forum, to let this happen. For example, even behind your helping nature is a wealth of knowledge and experience and understanding. These are things to be proud of and appreciated by others, never taken for granted and never just expected. They are gifts, and they should be received gently.

It simply sucks when you or any of us here have to approach a battle every time we want to just exist in our true colors. Like taking the nasty comments of others, constantly reminding yourself that your needs are worth the same as others, and finding the words to defend yourself in a way that will not cause nuclear war in your social circles.

As Atrapa Almas mentioned, there likely will be a price. But he is a good one to learn from, as he is not a people pleaser, and it is good to know that there are people out there who are existing in this way and better for it. Some of us have to learn after slogging through the trenches for too long, but it is not the only way to live… Constantly pleasing people.

This is a very very basic notion, but one that I think of often and that is: Can you treat yourself the way that you would treat others? Can you apply your helping and comforting skills to yourself right now? If you met yourself, wouldn’t you give them the same kindness you give to others? Wouldn’t you believe that they deserve to just exist in the world as themselves without feeling so badly about it?
I love how that first little paragraph describes all my moods in one day ,:D Yesterday I did a lot of cleaning, and I pushed past my limits to get all that done! I mostly live alone for most of the week, this week is better than the first though. I was basically people pleasing and going by orders all day. Super relieved that I get to take a load off for a couple days now, however I still do duties for my mentally and physically unwell family who needs my help.
 
I was a chronic people pleaser for most of my life. When I was a child, it was legitimately a matter of life vs death, or safety vs harm.
This carried over into adulthood because I obviously developed complex trauma issues and was still afraid of dying or being harmed again.

I had extreme difficulty setting boundaries with friends, and got walked all over by toxic and abusive friends who took advantage of my kindness and willingness to give the benefit of the doubt. Most of my friendships in early adulthood were completely one-sided.

It wasn’t until I started to like and accept myself that I started to feel less of a need to please my friends. I started getting more confident about saying “no,” and voicing differences of opinion and disagreement.
I ended up losing a fair amount of friends, but developed closer bonds with some who came to have more respect for me for standing up for myself (and for them.)

I no longer have any tolerance for one-sided friendships, or friends putting me down and bullying me. I’ve gotten comfortable and confident about saying “enough is enough” with conviction. Because I have learned to like and accept myself, and give myself the kindness, compassion, support, safety, and courage that I didn’t have as a child. I had to do that on my own.
I’m quicker to move on now and more cautious to justify or forgive.

I do still care what other people think about me, to an extent, and I am still frightened by confrontation, and I’m working on that. But I don’t turn myself inside out to please people anymore. I like the person that I am, and I’m not afraid to set boundaries.
I think that the more you can do to build confidence, be kinder to yourself, and establish and maintain healthy relationships with firm boundaries, the less you will want to please everyone and make unnecessary sacrifices.
Hope this helps.
Wonderful that you are setting boundaries. You are worth it! From some of your recent posts, you are starting to advocate for yourself, too. You are beautiful in many dimensions.
 

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