1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Featured People Answering Messages 9 or 10 Days Later?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Butterfly88, May 19, 2018.

  1. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    I keep writing to people through this friend finding site for women and we exchange a few messages and then I don't hear from them for 9 or 10 days. This has happened multiple times with multiple people. Occasionally they will apologize for a delayed response but that doesn't happen too often. I get sometimes people are busy and could occasionally go 9 or 10 days without answering a message but from my experiences with the site it seems to be the norm. Does this seem odd to anyone? If someone doesn't answer for that long does it mean they aren't interested in chatting? Though if they weren't interested wouldn't they just not answer at all?
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  2. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,089
    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,476
    Agree it does seem like a long time but I've no experience with this.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    @LucyPurrs Thanks for answering, I hope I'm not being socially awkward somehow and scaring these people off.
     
  4. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member, Welcomer of Newcomers V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,168
    Joined:
    May 16, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,899
    It happens to me too, and honestly annoys me to no end

    Even moreso when they reply with "Oh sorry, I barely use this", like why bother talk to me then? Makes no sense to me
     
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Smiley

    Smiley Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    103
    Joined:
    May 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +170
    Maybe they were just busy? You should ask them. If they've been scared off, it's better to know so you don't waste your time and annoy them more, and maybe you can learn what you did wrong. If they're too busy, you should put the same amount of effort into the acquaintanceship that they do. They aren't in a hurry to become good friends, so you should take your time with that person too.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  6. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    @Isadoorian Yeah, that doesn't make much sense.
    @Smiley I guess I could ask. You don't think that would be weird? I wouldn't want to sound like I was pestering them.
     
  7. Smiley

    Smiley Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    103
    Joined:
    May 14, 2018
    Karma:
    +170
    They might think it's weird, but if you don't ask, you will never know. Besides, if your intention is to cultivate friendship, the number one rule is be your honest and true self. If someone doesn't like "weird" questions, they aren't likely to become a good friend.
     
    • Like Like x 3
  8. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    Good point, thank you.
     
  9. Lichi

    Lichi Think of an idiot, only smarter.

    Messages:
    158
    Joined:
    May 7, 2018
    Karma:
    +226
    I’m one of those people who can disappear for days before responding. And often I will tell people that I don’t use the app much. Sometimes it will even be after having engaged in a conversation with the other person.

    Mostly it’s too overwhelming to keep or even start a conversation with a person at times. It could be that the motivation was there when I signed up or registered, then it became too much. Literally sometimes it’s such a trauma to see a message you haven’t replied to and know someone is waiting and going through the insecurity of why you aren’t replying. Opening up the message and reading it even takes too much energy. It does make me feel guilty. Sometimes I just get too occupied by other things or even have too much fun on my own that I simply forget about it.

    Recently I have started to be more aware of it and not leading on people and putting them under the wrong impression. This is why I usually give an explanation apologizing and letting them know in advance.

    You can always bring it up as a by-sentence. If they get back to you with a reason you can simply go “I was hoping I wasn’t disturbing you” or “I thought you weren’t interested in talking” jokingly. Usually it will bring out the truth and work as a potential ice breaker.
     
    • Agree Agree x 5
    • Like Like x 3
  10. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    Good to know @Lichi, thanks.
     
  11. LucyPurrs

    LucyPurrs NT, INFJ V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,089
    Joined:
    Sep 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,476
    I'm so sorry this is happening to you Butterfly because you seem like such a nice person and I can't really imagine you being inappropriate. Have you tried talking to people here on the forum? Maybe that would work better for you?
     
    • Like Like x 1
  12. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,697
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +6,961
    If people have been scared off, they’re not going to respond at all. So that’s not the issue. Sometimes people are genuinely busy.

    I’m messaging a few people on this site. When I get a message from them, I really want to take the time to respond, because they deserve a well thought-out answer. However, I often have trouble finding the time and the right headspace to just sit down and write. Sometimes it can take weeks for me to respond, and I’ll feel really bad about it.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Agree Agree x 1
  13. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

    Messages:
    1,497
    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,107
    I understand this but its well before 9 or 10 days that I get anxious... it could be minutes or hours before i go into complete anxiety overload, depending on who it is, what was said and in general how I'm feeling that day.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  14. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    2,277
    Joined:
    May 22, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,884
    I get busy or just take my time answering people and days can go by before I answer.
    I have an aspie friend and feel so lucky to have found someone who shares my same interests and so much like myself.
    But, then again, being so much like myself, we both have the sometime problem of answering each other's texts.
    Then when we do reply or see each other we're if the text was received and find we worry about something being wrong.
    And yes, it can create an undertone of being annoyed that we didn't reply sooner.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  15. Kirsty

    Kirsty ND

    Messages:
    1,431
    Joined:
    Sep 12, 2014
    Karma:
    +2,656
    When I text my dad, sometimes he doesn’t respond for 9 or ten days later. Until I said “text back”, he quickly responded, dismissed what I asked saying what he’s been up to instead, starting off with “OMG Kirst.” (No apology) I had to ask again so my question was answered. I think he’s very selfish at times.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  16. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,219
    Joined:
    Nov 23, 2014
    Karma:
    +10,706
    Yes, this is fairly normal for people I find, I start a correspondence with someone and then it just peters off after one or two messages. Online friendships and correspondence are just about always secondary to whatever is going on in their offline life, and offline business will always get priority. People forget, don't get round to it and then say that they are busy. I think that people could make more of an effort at times, if you are busy, then writing a short message saying that you are busy and will get back to them is a good, polite way of dealing with it. Sometimes the correspondence might mean more to me than it does to the other person.

    It takes me a long time to write, longer than average, and it is a big effort to me, so if the message is long or complicated and needs a lot of thought, it can get overwhelming and seem more like a chore than something pleasant to do. So sometimes I don't write straight away and leave it a couple of days.
     
    • Agree Agree x 3
    • Like Like x 1
  17. Butterfly88

    Butterfly88 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    18,462
    Joined:
    Nov 13, 2015
    Karma:
    +7,198
    Thank you everyone!
    @LucyPurrs I have talked to a few people on here.
    @ksheehan88 That was my thought too.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  18. Theta.G

    Theta.G Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    943
    Joined:
    Jan 23, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,158
    I think it's like that with most online communications. It can take a while to find someone who will regularly reply to you and you being interested enough in them to regularly reply as well. Building familiarity is harder online unless there are activities you can do with each other other than just chatting.
    Like watching tv shows or movies through screen share and having a chat open / Movie night with your online friends. Or through a videogame in which your a member of a large guild and it has a good chat system and enough player retention to keep people online and engaged.
    It's more humanizing and less awkward when the point of focus isn't on the people involved, i guess.

    Side note: I don't think your awkward at all, in fact on this site i would consider you as one of the members with the best social engagement :)
     
    • Like Like x 2
  19. ksheehan88

    ksheehan88 :)

    Messages:
    1,497
    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2016
    Karma:
    +3,107
    What I find particularly difficult is when there is a sudden change in the frequency of communication.

    For instance, if I become used to someone texting me all through the day then all of a sudden they only text me once or twice, that sends me into anxiety spiral.
     
    • Agree Agree x 2
  20. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    5,695
    Joined:
    May 27, 2015
    Karma:
    +13,298
    Butterfly is this other site a place where you communicate with aspies? Have a few friends IRL who are aspies that live on the other side of the world from me. Very often they respond eight to ten days later. At first it upset me, then I let it go. When I asked why, they responded that they didn't know what to say.