Partner still very attached to ex wife

[Perpetually_confused]

Hello, I have recently come to understand myself as autistic & I specifically joined this site for some relationship advice from fellow autists because I feel very confused about my current relationship and I feel that NT advice typically doesn't include autists needs.
I am Audhd, I have the ADHD diagnosed & in treatment & my partner is autistic. This is the first time I've been in a relationship with another person with autism & in many ways it is wonderful. We share many special interests, understanding of eachothers need for time alone, I feel very safe when I am with him, I don't have to mask, we have similar goals in life & mostly similar values. I feel that we could have a wonderful relationship together apart from one quite significant factor which is that he is still very much attached to his ex-wife. He still lives with her, he is financially dependent on her & he describes her like a sibling. They are very close. I am generally fine about the fact they are friends but it is the amount of time that they spend together and how dependent they are on each other which makes me uncomfortable. They spend more time together than we do. They shop together, share meals together, watch films together. go out for meals together.
I can understand the financial dependence because I know its so difficult to make a living as someone who is autistic and he is making some moves towards addressing this. However there are other factors in addition to this which makes me wonder if I am going to get hurt very badly if I remain in this relationship.
Firstly he was very slow to even refer to me as his girlfriend only recently calling me this after 1 year together. He often prioritises her over me and has described their relationship as 'special'. I have spoken to him about this however & he has agreed to start prioritising me however there are other things which I'm just not sure about. At the moment they are travelling abroad as they have a shared business and are literally planning & spending every hour of every day together during social time. He doesn't seem to do anything on his own when he is with her.
When we are together his ex also messages him frequently - just chit chatting. On one occasion - very early on when we were dating, he ended our date early to go & provide her with emotoinal support. This was nearly 1 year ago now but it made me very uncomfortable & I'm not sure if this is still happening although he did assure me that they do not talk about emotional things or share feelings anymore.
When I try to address these things with my partner he makes me feel like I am being paranoid, he cannot seem to understand why this situation could be difficult for me. He has a very different & sometimes eccentric way of viewing the world & relationships which some ways I really admire but at the same time I am just not happy that I am not a priority for him & that she always is because in his mind he has known her for longer & they have been through a lot together.

I am lucky that I do have some level of financial independence compared to other autistics . We struggle with day to day things and it can be helpful to have someone else to help out with these things to manage life however I do not have this & I am permanently depleted because of it & I also feel resentful that he has this in his ex partner when this is something I would like to have in a partner. It also feels like our relationship has just not been able to move forward like other relationships because of this situation.

Basically I just can't understand whether they are still so attached to eachother because of their autism (they are both HF autistic) & they are genuinely a support to one another or if they still have feelings for each other.
As an audhd female I know I can be sometimes too forgiving, giving people more benefit of the doubt sometimes than I should & have people pleasing tendencies. However in some ways I feel I can trust someone with autism more than an NT. However I just don't want to waste anymore time & do not want to get majorly hurt if in one years time I find myself in the same situation or even worse - he decides to return to her. In my heart I guess I know that I want to be prioritised in a relationship & not second to someones ex wife with whom he has a huge amount of history and maybe this is the value that we just do not share which will break the relationship. Maybe I have answered my own question already... but any thoughts or advice much appreciated.

 

[Suzette]

I think it is human nature to want comfort and ease. Your partner has found that sweet spot for himself. He has his domestic needs taken care of by his ex-wife and other needs taken care of by you.

This man is not truly avilable for what you want. You want true emotional intimacy, honesty and trust. But he doesn't really seem 100% available. At least, I don't think so.

The "why" of his marriage isn't really relavant. You can not change it and he doesn't seem willing to change it either.

All you can actually do is accept the situation as it is or move on.

As it is you get your partner on a part-time basis. He isn't being upfront with you or he wouldn't suggest your discomfort is from being paranoid.

He has made it clear that he likes the status quo and really doest not intend to change it.

For myself, the status quo would not be enough. But that is something you have to decide for yourself.

Please forgive me if my words cause offense. That is not my intention but this old girl has been around the block a few times and this situation does not seem to match the needs you have expressed.

 

[FilterFreq]

To each their own, but this is why I'd never date someone who still deals with their exes. Aside from some kind of exceptional obligation, if they're unable to move on from past relationships, I don't know what else you'd expect.

 

[Aspychata]

My ex supports me financially so when l find my outside interests aren't stepping up to support me, l go back to my ex.

 

[thejuice]

Wow, he's really having his cake and eating it. What a life, alright for some isn't it? I know I don't need to tell you this as you have figured him out. Not calling you his girlfriend. Describing his ex as special. Doing everything that a couple would including emotional intimacy and who knows what else. Its shenanigans and an unacceptable situation.

Trust your instinct on this one, it's no good, he's disrespecting you, unless hes okay with it to be an open relationship. Also he needs to cut out the appalling gaslighting. He doesn't care about you.

The question is what an independent woman gets out of a relationship with him? Plenty of interesting, uncomplicated, single autistic men. You could offer an ultimatum to cut ties but he's way too entangled to do it and, even then, best case scenario, you'd just become his new parasitic host. Judge the actions not the words.

The trust is more familiarity than him displaying any open and honest traits or showing integrity. Is he fine with taking your calls when they're on holiday together?

 

[Suzette]

My ex supports me financially so when l find my outside interests aren't stepping up to support me, l go back to my ex.

I don't know you well but from my limited familiarity I believe you are honest and open with others. That is gold you know.

 

[Aspychata]

@Suzette , l always took care of those who were there for me. To this day, l take care of my very close friends.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Thanks for your responses, I think I just needed the cold hard truth and for someone to spell it out for me. I am realising I can be too naive in relationships.

I know I let people away with too much & am only now learning to set boundaries in relationships in my life.

I don’t believe he is a bad person, he is lovely in many ways. He did tell me he wasn’t ready for a relationship at the start but I just kept going with it. After about 6 months he did eventually agree to move forward with me in an exclusive relationship albeit very slowly. He has also suggested I see other people which I did agree to for a short period but the truth is with autism & adhd I just don’t think I would have the energy to see multiple people & I am looking for a committed relationship. I also like him so much and I know that in this situation I would just be putting my life on hold for him until he is ready to commit to me, if he ever would be.

I also feel that even if it was an open relationship/ polyamorous situation everyone involved needs to be completely honest and upfront about all of their relationships for it to work & I feel that he is not really being completely honest about his ex, so there wouldn’t be that trust there for it to work.

I guess I have known the answer all along but just been in denial about the situation. Our relationship has been very on-off the whole time with me breaking up with him every month or so which he has said is distressing for him but has never really made many changes to his situation despite these break ups and I go away, think about how to fix things & he just waits for me to figure it out.

The trust is more familiarity than him displaying any open and honest traits or showing integrity. Is he fine with taking your calls when they're on holiday together?

At the moment while he is abroad we are not in contact, we were at the start & he was phoning me every day however I articulated to him that I was uncomfortable about him spending so much time with his ex and then after that I spiralled & unfollowed him on social media which he took really badly & became very angry at me. I know it was really immature but I guess I was just feeling so hurt & confused about the situation. Then he said he wanted to stop all communication until he gets back. I feel bad because of the way I reacted but I also feel hurt because he is abroad spending every waking minute with his ex & I am being further punished for one stupid immature reaction. I also wonder if he is glad of the no contact with me because it means he can fully be with his ex wife & not have to worry about me.

Sometimes I feel like I am having an affair with him & he is still married (!!!!)

I know it’s a ridiculous situation & I am a fool for putting up with it.

I was single for a very long time before this, I really find it hard to connect with anyone who isn’t neurodivergent.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Please forgive me if my words cause offense. That is not my intention but this old girl has been around the block a few times and this situation does not seem to match the needs you have expressed.

I really appreciate the honesty actually, thanks for taking the time to respond

 

[Perpetually_confused]

Trust your instinct on this one, it's no good, he's disrespecting you, unless hes okay with it to be an open relationship. Also he needs to cut out the appalling gaslighting. He doesn't care about you.

The question is what an independent woman gets out of a relationship with him? Plenty of interesting, uncomplicated, single autistic men. You could offer an ultimatum to cut ties but he's way too entangled to do it and, even then, best case scenario, you'd just become his new parasitic host. Judge the actions not the words.

This was hard to hear but I know I have to face this reality, its sad to admit to myself that he doesn't actually care about me even though he says he does. I find it hard to understand why anyone would behave like this.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

This man is not truly avilable for what you want. You want true emotional intimacy, honesty and trust. But he doesn't really seem 100% available. At least, I don't think so.

Its sad to admit that I have got this far in life without really fully understanding what emotional availability is & am only starting to understand it now.

 

[Rodafina]

@Perpetually_confused

I agree with @Suzette. This person is not actually available. I don't think too much elaboration is necessary because, as you said, you have likely answered your own question.

What your partner is doing does not necessarily make him a bad person, but you have to examine the situation with fierce honesty and ask yourself if you can live with this.... if this is what you want in your partnership. Look at things as they are, not some imagined version of how things could be different if only he would change.

For my part, I would not be able to comfortably continue a relationship with someone who was so connected to someone else. There is barely any room for you.

 

[Cutesie]

What you didn't mention in the opening post is that you were the one driving the relationship, trying to make it happen, while he was reluctantly being dragged along. This is what I went through on the other end in my only semi-romantic relationship. A girl (she was an adult, but acted very much like a child) took an obsessive interest in me. She pursued me and I let her into my life. It was probably fortunate that certain religious considerations made us break up.

You have to be honest with yourself and with him. Does he really want you? Is he ready to wean himself of his past in order to become attached to you alone? The answer doesn't seem to be "yes".

 

[Perpetually_confused]

@Suzette , l always took care of those who were there for me. To this day, l take care of my very close friends.

This is what he describes it as. He has told me that he believes that relationships never end which I agree with to some extent but what does change is the nature of relationships. He has told me that he feels responsible for her & that they help each other out. I think that this is admirable to an extent but what is being overlooked is the boundaries which exist between them & not sure if they are using this as an excuse so that they can stay together. She also has a partner she has been with for 5 years. I was just thinking the other day it's almost like they are still married & both having extra marital affairs.

 

[Forest Cat]

She also has a partner she has been with for 5 years. I was just thinking the other day it's almost like they are still married & both having extra marital affairs.

So she has a partner and he has a partner (you) and they live together and travel together and are very close. It's unusual, I wonder why they are not in a relationship if they get along so well with each other. They seem to get along great and enjoy living together. Sounds a lot like they are still in a relationship and it's an open relationship.

I'm like you, I want two people in my relationships, me and my partner, more than two is too much. So I understand your concerns. It doesn't sound great for you, considering what you want.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

What you didn't mention in the opening post is that you were the one driving the relationship, trying to make it happen, while he was reluctantly being dragged along. This is what I went through on the other end in my only semi-romantic relationship. A girl (she was an adult, but acted very much like a child) took an obsessive interest in me. She pursued me and I let her into my life. It was probably fortunate that certain religious considerations made us break up.

You have to be honest with yourself and with him. Does he really want you? Is he ready to wean himself of his past in order to become attached to you alone? The answer doesn't seem to be "yes".

I was the one driving it at the start but when I accepted that we weren't looking for the same thing I broke it off with him. After that he told me that he did want a serious relationship with me. I haven't been obsessive with him as I've been careful to make sure that I still keep my own life, interests & friends going and I wouldn't really use the word pursue. I actually did say to him when I broke up with him 'I feel like I am dragging you into a relationship with me' but his response was that he did want a relationship with me. I think he's quite confused to be honest, he likes me & wants to keep our relationship but also wants to keep the relationship with his ex too.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

@Perpetually_confused

I agree with @Suzette. This person is not actually available. I don't think too much elaboration is necessary because, as you said, you have likely answered your own question.

What your partner is doing does not necessarily make him a bad person, but you have to examine the situation with fierce honesty and ask yourself if you can live with this.... if this is what you want in your partnership. Look at things as they are, not some imagined version of how things could be different if only he would change.

For my part, I would not be able to comfortably continue a relationship with someone who was so connected to someone else. There is barely any room for you.

Thanks this is helpful, I agree I need to be fiercely honest, I know I need to let go of what could be and look at the situation as it is now which is truthfully making me very unhappy & depressed.

 

[Perpetually_confused]

So she has a partner and he has a partner (you) and they live together and travel together and are very close. It's unusual, I wonder why they are not in a relationship if they get along so well with each other. They seem to get along great and enjoy living together. Sounds a lot like they are still in a relationship and it's an open relationship.

I'm like you, I want two people in my relationships, me and my partner, more than two is too much. So I understand your concerns. It doesn't sound great for you, considering what you want.

I know, this is what I can't understand either, it's like an open relationship but they haven't actually told me or the other partner that this is what the situation is.

He describes it like a sibling relationship but I do not have that level of intimacy with my sibling.

Yeah I know I need to be honest with myself and respect my own needs. I just don't have the inclination towards polyamory.

 

[Forest Cat]

I think he's quite confused to be honest, he likes me & wants to keep our relationship but also wants to keep the relationship with his ex too.

You could simply tell him "pick one" and see what happens. If he really wants you, he'll pick you. If he doesn't or isn't able to make a choice, you know where you stand.

 

[Forest Cat]

He describes it like a sibling relationship but I do not have that level of intimacy with my sibling.

No, that makes little sense. If he has something like a sibling relationship with his ex-wife and he lives with her, I would actually call that a red flag. That's just weird. Doesn't sound healthy.