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Parental Acceptance Struggle with Aspergers

Ben28

Well-Known Member
Has anyone else had to struggle to get acceptance from neurotypical parents? My mom has been accepting of me and actually introduced me to this website, but my dad hasn't. My whole life, he's been telling me to socialize at times when I didn't want to, to "get out of my cave," etc. I'll graduate from college soon. My dad encourages me to pursue careers that he's good at and knows (all of which I've been rejected from), but says some hurtful things about me and career paths that I'm better suited for and more interested in. It's probably well intentioned, but it's painful for me. I don't want to be fixed, I want to be accepted and play to my strengths.
 
I think we've all been there. Those of us on the spectrum just want to be accepted by our families including our parents. I know I have been lucky. Most of my family accepts me. My mom most of all and my sister...but when I was kid my dad would call me names and tell me I was stupid and wouldn't amount to anything. Yah well he's not in my life anymore and I have a masters degree so...Strive to accept yourself and while it hurts that sometimes family doesn't remember that we do.
 
I can definitely relate to this. My mother has more of an understanding of these things. It's not a slight against my father---he's made a great deal of progress since I was diagnosed and has lately been encouraging me to seek out Aspie-friendly jobs. :)

Part of it is because he simply grew up in a different time, and what would potentially be considered autistic behavior today was viewed differently. The rest of it has to do with what he thinks of me. He's always been extremely supportive of me and proud of my accomplishments, so I think it's sometimes difficult for him to imagine that someone of my intelligence has to face problems of this type.

Your father does sound like he's coming from a good place, but he should encourage you to find a job that you want to do. If he were the one looking for employment, he would find a position that makes use of his strengths. As you said, you should tell him that you want to find one that lets you use yours.
 
My parents are like that too. My dad just plain doesn't talk much to begin with, like he doesn't care, but my mom is just like that. Growing up we didnt know i (probably) have high functioning autism/aspergers but even now i'm treated no different. I still get snapped at for **** that is and always has been a little more difficult for me - fine motor tasks mostly, as well as having trouble with things like starting/changing/finishing through tasks (academic and otherwise), depression, etc. I had more examples but i forgot them, the toddler i babysit distracted me. He's eating breakfast right now. But yeah, i can sympathize with that. I think we all feel like that. I feel pretty inadequate and stupid most of the time cause of it and tend to avoid my parents as much as possible cause i just don't feel accepted by them unless i'm good enough and i know i probably never will be.
 
I have noticed some thing I am not sure if it is connected, the non accepting parent is of the opposite sex for the majority.

could it be a lack of understanding from a male to male or female to female situation. Or great expectations from the parents part. I am willing to accept both possibilities.


I think there may be many parts to the question of acceptance.
 
It's always a hard battle with parents. Still, the upside is it's all wasted energy on your part trying to reason with them. They have managed to meet each other, breed, produce offspring, feed them and get them to a certain point. For some reason a lot of parents them seem to think they have a right to interfere/judge their offspring. Nope. Parents should get a manual at the start pointing out that their kids aren't playthings or vessels too pour their own hopes, problems and hang ups into. Best parents are the ones that don't do this.

ah well, the real world isn't like this most of the time (I have a friend who is am ideal candidate for a role model parent).

So, expanding on my previous thread, the answer is yes, you're not alone in this, but they have no right to treat you with nothing short of respect for who you are.

Good luck trying to tell them this(!) In fact, I would save your breath and not provoke a big huff and row!! :D
 
I think we've all been there. Those of us on the spectrum just want to be accepted by our families including our parents. I know I have been lucky. Most of my family accepts me. My mom most of all and my sister...but when I was kid my dad would call me names and tell me I was stupid and wouldn't amount to anything. Yah well he's not in my life anymore and I have a masters degree so...Strive to accept yourself and while it hurts that sometimes family doesn't remember that we do.
Thanks Arashi222, I'm glad to have your support and acceptance, and I appreciate your perspective. I'm looking forward to having the same freedom that you do. Thank you.
 
I can definitely relate to this. My mother has more of an understanding of these things. It's not a slight against my father---he's made a great deal of progress since I was diagnosed and has lately been encouraging me to seek out Aspie-friendly jobs. :)

Part of it is because he simply grew up in a different time, and what would potentially be considered autistic behavior today was viewed differently. The rest of it has to do with what he thinks of me. He's always been extremely supportive of me and proud of my accomplishments, so I think it's sometimes difficult for him to imagine that someone of my intelligence has to face problems of this type.

Your father does sound like he's coming from a good place, but he should encourage you to find a job that you want to do. If he were the one looking for employment, he would find a position that makes use of his strengths. As you said, you should tell him that you want to find one that lets you use yours.
Thanks Ereth, I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who experienced this. I know what you mean, the world has changed and he's in a very traditional line of work. I had a good conversation with him today and while his views of the world haven't changed and he's still not enthusiastic about me pursuing Aspie-friendly jobs, it sounds like he'll tolerate it.
 
Your dad sounds a lot like my mother; I was raised by her. I have no doubt she had some serious problems, but it's impossible for a child to understand that possibility and by time they're an adult, the damage is already done. Looking back, I think she had a problem with the fact that I (or anyone) was smarter than she was. Once when we were discussing a matter on which I have authoritative knowledge, in typical Aspie fashion, I corrected her and added, "I do have education in this." She said in the most vile tone and with a hateful look, "Your education don't mean s**t." She never once encouraged me in any pursuit or childish dream. She never acknowledged my accomplishments, especially when one considers how difficult such accomplishments are for folks like us.

You said it best, "Strive to accept to yourself . . ." One cannot force "loved ones" to accept them. Everyone in my family is gone now, I am the last one left alive. With the exception of some friends that don't understand, I have no one to accept me but me.
I know that can be frustrating because received lots of harsh criticism too. Well said. I'm new to this site, but I already realize that there are lots of people here who accept you too, including me.
 
My parents are like that too. My dad just plain doesn't talk much to begin with, like he doesn't care, but my mom is just like that. Growing up we didnt know i (probably) have high functioning autism/aspergers but even now i'm treated no different. I still get snapped at for **** that is and always has been a little more difficult for me - fine motor tasks mostly, as well as having trouble with things like starting/changing/finishing through tasks (academic and otherwise), depression, etc. I had more examples but i forgot them, the toddler i babysit distracted me. He's eating breakfast right now. But yeah, i can sympathize with that. I think we all feel like that. I feel pretty inadequate and stupid most of the time cause of it and tend to avoid my parents as much as possible cause i just don't feel accepted by them unless i'm good enough and i know i probably never will be.
This is a very relevant reply for me, getting snapped at can hurt. I also have issues with fine motor tasks like climbing stairs, starting from rest in sports, and my movements aren't always fluid. I've been there, too and this has been an especially rough semester in those regards, but things tend to get better if you hang in there, even if it takes time. I know what you mean, I attend college in a different state than them and I spent most of my summers away from home. I have a huge drive to succeed and I work really really hard, and the criticism probably shaped that. I read that president Woodrow Wilson was similar in that regard. Thank you.
 
I have noticed some thing I am not sure if it is connected, the non accepting parent is of the opposite sex for the majority.

could it be a lack of understanding from a male to male or female to female situation. Or great expectations from the parents part. I am willing to accept both possibilities.


I think there may be many parts to the question of acceptance.
That's in interesting observation. I really connected with a Dutch girl during my study abroad who's mother didn't accept her but who's father did. I'm male and my father doesn't fully accept me but my mom does. If there are any professors who study family relationships, this could make an interesting research topic.
 
It's always a hard battle with parents. Still, the upside is it's all wasted energy on your part trying to reason with them. They have managed to meet each other, breed, produce offspring, feed them and get them to a certain point. For some reason a lot of parents them seem to think they have a right to interfere/judge their offspring. Nope. Parents should get a manual at the start pointing out that their kids aren't playthings or vessels too pour their own hopes, problems and hang ups into. Best parents are the ones that don't do this.

ah well, the real world isn't like this most of the time (I have a friend who is am ideal candidate for a role model parent).

So, expanding on my previous thread, the answer is yes, you're not alone in this, but they have no right to treat you with nothing short of respect for who you are.

Good luck trying to tell them this(!) In fact, I would save your breath and not provoke a big huff and row!! :D
Amen to that! Thanks Tarragon. :D
 
I read Suzi Quatros autobiography and she saw her daughter as a mini version of her, and her son as being a more of a learning experience.
 
I was diagnosed a couple years ago and when I told my parents about it, they yelled at me and told me that it was rediculous and that my psychiatrists didn't know anything. They argued about it for about a week and then all of a sudden... Silence! They haven't spoken of it since. They completely ignore it, like it never happened.
Funny how every parent reacts differently to one of thee children's illness's.
 
I was diagnosed a couple years ago and when I told my parents about it, they yelled at me and told me that it was rediculous and that my psychiatrists didn't know anything. They argued about it for about a week and then all of a sudden... Silence! They haven't spoken of it since. They completely ignore it, like it never happened.
Funny how every parent reacts differently to one of thee children's illness's.

Denial is a powerful thing.
 
I think "sad" is a better word, Chris. I hope they can manage to acknowledge it someday.
 
Has anyone else had to struggle to get acceptance from neurotypical parents? My mom has been accepting of me and actually introduced me to this website, but my dad hasn't. My whole life, he's been telling me to socialize at times when I didn't want to, to "get out of my cave," etc. I'll graduate from college soon. My dad encourages me to pursue careers that he's good at and knows (all of which I've been rejected from), but says some hurtful things about me and career paths that I'm better suited for and more interested in. It's probably well intentioned, but it's painful for me. I don't want to be fixed, I want to be accepted and play to my strengths.

Ben28,
My parents ignored all the signs when I was growing up, my mother was a teacher and specializes in children with special needs!!! Now understand that she started the specialization after I left home so I kind of (one small side of me) hopes that she recognizes that she missed to see the signs in me when I was a kid so studied and became a professional so it would not happen to others.
But that does not explain why she still denies it to this day... Probably embarrassed or angry that she created (or brought in to this world) something that is not perfect, as all parents hope there children to be.
I hope that you can find your place in this world no matter what your parents want for you or try to push on you. I think if you give them time, they will either accept it or they won't. Either way, it's a part of you wether they like it or not, they will learn to live with it.

Best of luck
 

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