1. Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Overly attached to one friend?

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by rubicks52, Jun 9, 2019.

  1. rubicks52

    rubicks52 New Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2019
    Karma:
    +61
    Hello everyone, I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced a situation similar to this. I have a friend that I met through an online fandom group, and over the past few years, we've become quite good friends. I'm worried that I'm too attached to her, though. I want to message her all the time, although I hold myself back so as to not be annoying. She's told me before that I can message her about whatever, whenever, however often I want, but I'm worried that by doing so, I'll push her away. It's weird because normally I put off looking at snapchat/messaging notifications, but I always love getting hers. We talk about all sorts of deep issues, and she's the one person I feel like I can tell absolutely anything. She doesn't tell me as many of her problems, though, so I also worry that I'm not doing an adequate job of supporting her in the friendship. Although she's also significantly older than me, so maybe she just has her life more figured out.

    In summary, is it possible to be overly attached to one person? I don't want to inadvertently push her away.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 4
    • Agree Agree x 2
  2. Bolletje

    Bolletje Potato chip wizard V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    2,825
    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2017
    Karma:
    +7,348
    Yes, it is entirely possible. It seems like you’re mindful of boundaries, just keep doing that.
     
    • Agree Agree x 6
    • Winner Winner x 1
  3. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,177
    Joined:
    Aug 11, 2018
    Karma:
    +3,451
    ive always had one best friend and constantly worried that i was either being too close or not close enough.
     
    • Agree Agree x 1
  4. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,680
    Joined:
    Feb 8, 2018
    Karma:
    +1,457
    I have had that happen as well, it's good to have a best friend but also you have to respect boundaries as well.
     
  5. rubicks52

    rubicks52 New Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2019
    Karma:
    +61
    Thanks, glad to know it's not just me.
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 2
  6. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,098
    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2014
    Karma:
    +6,680
    Very much so and I learned such a lot from her and feel sad that the connection is no longer available.

    I learned to bounce off her. So, if she got in touch and said that she missed me and how dare I not contact her etc ( humour), I felt very warm inside and used that to be the same way, because I felt if it was acceptable to her, than she was fine if I did it and she was.

    At first, I was hesitant as you are, but I soon came to see that when one is a true friend and there is alot of give and take, that one never becomes tired.

    Our friendship lasted for 6 years ( that is a miracle for me).

    However, it was a purely online friendship. We did have an occasion to spend time in life, but it was a disaster and both agreed that our friendship was better online.
     
  7. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    4,689
    Joined:
    Jan 7, 2015
    Karma:
    +9,943
    Friendships are not the same as relationships. Its more about allowing each to remain in their comfort zone without trying to make changes in the other to meet expectations. The saying 'Good fences make good neighbors' comes to mind, which is not really about keeping a wall between you so much as respecting each others property and space.
     
  8. Nervous Rex

    Nervous Rex High-functioning autistic V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    1,402
    Joined:
    Dec 9, 2017
    Karma:
    +3,919
    Most definitely not just you. I've done this several times.
     
  9. Baeraad

    Baeraad Active Member

    Messages:
    42
    Joined:
    Jul 8, 2019
    Karma:
    +82
    Yeah. I'm also prone to loving people too much. And it gets more complicated from the fact that some people actually enjoy that sort of thing - for a while. But sooner or later, there's a point when they start feeling suffocated. That's where an ugly argument tends to happen.

    The exact balance for how much attention versus how much space you should give a person at any given time is one of those fiddly things that I always truggle with myself, so I can't give you any solid advice. For what it's worth, though, realising that there is a balance in the first place is probably the main thing. The occasional misstep can usually be forgiven.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  10. okisland

    okisland Member

    Messages:
    52
    Joined:
    Jul 7, 2019
    Karma:
    +45
    I've lost friends because I've been too much to deal with or have said something the wrong way, been too pushy etc. You definitely have to be careful and gradually learn how to keep the balance with different kinds of people but it's all trial and error I guess. It's hard because some people just come and go and you have to just learn to deal with losses like that. But some are luckier and don't go through as much loss.

    Maybe restrain yourself and let them come to you a bit more often? I've found that if they're giving you quite a lot of attention/are getting in touch often then you should feel safe returning roughly the same amount, but then I guess that's being calculating and not so genuine? I don't know. I mean I really don't know lol, it's all a gamble I guess.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  11. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

    Messages:
    1,383
    Joined:
    Jun 26, 2013
    Karma:
    +965
    Try to spread your love among many people. Have many people you can ask, but only ask a few this and a different few that. Also, try your best to help other people. Maybe you can help other strangers online as a start. If you don't feel you can help right now, you can read captainawkward.com and people's responses to various posts. That will give you a good sense of how you can advise others and will make you a stronger person in the long run.
     
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

    Messages:
    22,483
    Joined:
    Aug 28, 2013
    Karma:
    +27,401
    Why not? I mean, consider who so many on the spectrum consolidate intense focus on whatever interests them?

    Would people be any different than how we relate to inanimate objects? I suspect not. Though in the case of people, such intensity can potentially be overwhelming to the object of our desires with bad outcomes. So it's probably good that this concerns you.
     
    Last edited: Jul 9, 2019
    • Like Like x 1
  13. Rectify

    Rectify Active Member

    Messages:
    166
    Joined:
    Oct 2, 2018
    Karma:
    +213
    It's so nice to have that. :)
     
    • Friendly Friendly x 1
  14. Cazelle

    Cazelle Member

    Messages:
    38
    Joined:
    Jun 1, 2019
    Karma:
    +83
    Have you told your friend to let you know if she ever feels you are getting too much for her? Have you asked her if she's happy with the boundaries and support in both directions that you both have? If you can genuinely talk about anything you should be able to discuss the relationship too. Sometimes assumptions can make things messier and stressier than finding out the facts :).
    Sounds like she's a lovely friend, by the way!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  15. rubicks52

    rubicks52 New Member

    Messages:
    22
    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2019
    Karma:
    +61
    Yes, I've talked with her about all of that but because she's so nice, I'm worried she would say it's fine when really she's getting annoyed. And yes, she's great! I'm so glad I met her.