Online and Offline reactions to my Age and Gender

[OkRad]

Question.......when I write, people think I am about 25 and male. When they find I am a middle age WOMAN, they get all odd.........I see it online and offline.

Offline, same thing. Often people think I am about 30 and then they find I am older and it's all weird. I don't get it.

Why would this be? I am curious if anyone here had that reaction. Or if anyone has done it to you?

I am an ideas person. If you are 12 or 21 or 34 or 44 or 99 and you want to talk about verities, I am all there. But very few ideas persons out there.

Do I have to wait till I am an old person to be taken seriously again? People like old folk.

 

[Nitro]

Ok,lets start with you here online. Your chosen nickname shows no gender. Your profile doesn't specify a gender or an age,which is fine if you don't want others to identify you,but it also doesn't let anyone know who you are or how old you are.

If you dress in public that is androgenous in nature,that may tend to let people determine who you are by their perception of you.

If you appear younger in person,once again,feel grateful for it.

 

[Judge]

Offline, same thing. Often people think I am about 30 and then they find I am older and it's all weird. I don't get it.

I am an ideas person. If you are 12 or 21 or 34 or 44 or 99 and you want to talk about verities, I am all there. But very few ideas persons out there.

You might also consider the dynamics of "discussing" verities. Where someone is more likely to initiate an aggressive prosecution of facts as opposed to a pleasant conversation. Many people are simply not up to that.

Compounded by the other party discovering that you're not really a peer of theirs and the whole situation begins to intimidate them, and they begin to withdraw from you.

Self-awareness is helping me to reduce any compulsion to do this, knowing the odds are it will end badly in a social sense.

 

[Southern Discomfort]

I did have you pictured for a guy but that's sort of the default for a lot of people at least until hints are dropped. You know, interests, relationships, that sort of thing.

 

[Suzanne]

Even though I know you are my sex, OkRad, I still find it difficult to see you as a female and I am sure it is the usage of the username. Again, I have no idea why, but it just seems a muscline sort of name, even though you told me what it means.

Also, I guess the words you use, do make me think of a chap and again, yes, so surprised to find you are closer to my age.

But you see, that is why, despite how uncomfortable I feel having my face on here, I do it, because I know what the internet is like; we do tend to picture what the person looks like as we communicate, well I know I do and not by choice; it just happens and even the sort of voice.

What has shocked people with me is that how I am online, is not exactly how I am in real time, when feeling shy ie meeting new people or ones I know, but feel not myself around, so I make it that I do not ever befriend anyone I know face to face, on facebook, because of the embarrassment factor.

Remember what I said when you are confused about your gender? look down at yourself and what ever that says, dress accordingly and you also, hopefully now know that you do not have to dress flounsy to be a female.

Currently, I am wearing a long jade winter skirt, with a v neck white jumper and a little chiffon scarf for decency stake. This is for my spiritual meeting this evening.

 

[OkRad]

Even though I know you are my sex, OkRad, I still find it difficult to see you as a female and I am sure it is the usage of the username. Again, I have no idea why, but it just seems a muscline sort of name, even though you told me what it means.

Also, I guess the words you use, do make me think of a chap and again, yes, so surprised to find you are closer to my age.

But you see, that is why, despite how uncomfortable I feel having my face on here, I do it, because I know what the internet is like; we do tend to picture what the person looks like as we communicate, well I know I do and not by choice; it just happens and even the sort of voice.

What has shocked people with me is that how I am online, is not exactly how I am in real time, when feeling shy ie meeting new people or ones I know, but feel not myself around, so I make it that I do not ever befriend anyone I know face to face, on facebook, because of the embarrassment factor.

Remember what I said when you are confused about your gender? look down at yourself and what ever that says, dress accordingly and you also, hopefully now know that you do not have to dress flounsy to be a female.

Currently, I am wearing a long jade winter skirt, with a v neck white jumper and a little chiffon scarf for decency stake. This is for my spiritual meeting this evening.

Ahh. I love scarves!

 

[AHugNKiss]

Hi, OkRad.

I haven't been to the forum in quite some time, but your thread appeared in a 'current thread' email and drew me in - so you're not *completely* replusive in all ways

I have mostly had the opposite reaction in my online adventures and actually, used to LOVE the old chatrooms where everyone was simply their words/username. There was no avatar, no member page detailing who you are, where you're from and what you like... (and I would answer the a/s/l question if asked just to set out my stall, as it were). But that said, I have always - no, not always, usually - stuck to groups/rooms/forums with 'likeminded' people. So, although they are momentarily thrown that I'm heavily into typically 'male' things, they move past it quickly because we've already formed a relationship based on mutual interest. My image wasn't really a factor as it wasn't a part of online life for a long while.

But since avatar pictures became prevalent, I have enjoyed the surprise of 'you're how old?!' 'you've got how many children?!' '*you* really know so much about horror films?!' - I kinda enjoy subverting convention and opening people's eyes to 'difference' and chipping away at their expection/stereotypical views.

Funnily enough, the very same things/attitudes that make my online life my haven and something I cherish works in the opposite way in real life. I have very few friends indeed and struggle to find peers. My looks mean I've never been taken seriously, and when I took a 'serious' job 12 years ago, I dyed my hair dark and wore it tied back in a plain way to try and play down my looks to be taken seriously. It didn't really work :/ I look like a 'dumb blonde' despite the fact I wear very little make up, put very little effort into my appearance and have a mensa tested IQ of 156. I always used to want people to see - and accept - *me* rather than just what I looked like but I care less and less about it as I get older (43 now) and just work on being the best version of me that i can be. If other people see/connect with that, great. If not, I'm done trying to win approval

 

[OkRad]

Thank you, Hug! That made so much sense. I find both on and offline stressful, to be honest. Online is no succor, but a place I go to try to find something which I don't even know what that is anymore. I am exhausted right now so this won't make sense, but I am glad you responded . Aging with Autism is something I am finding so many things! It's scary but comforting too. It's like a safe place in many ways but other people think me more freakish every day. BUT I want to be done as you said with trying to win approval.

 

[Diagnosed2015]

I don't "assume" genders or age of most anyone, especially online. I have found, however, that if a profile picture causes a bad "vibe" (although, I'm not always sure why), I'll often mistakenly believe the profile pic of someone is a pic of them. Often, I'm silently amused when I find it's a member of a band, or an actor or whatever.

I've always had what I call "gender blindness." When I'm in a personal conversation with someone (face to face), I often get so caught up in the conversation that I will have to "pretend to blink," just so I can glance up and check (or remind myself) the gender of the person I'm speaking to, so I use the correct pronouns, or whatever.

There have been a few times when I mistook one gender for the other. I even tend to prefer (aesthetically) what my friends call "pretty guys" and "masculine women." I was with my daughter once and said, "Oh, look -- isn't she cute, and my daughter said, 'Mom, that's a guy'." It's true, I'm constantly getting them wrong.

I met someone recently who presented as quite young (to me) and later learned she was almost 15 years older than I had "guessed." When someone explained she was on the spectrum, my answer was, "That must be why people always think I'm a lot younger."

I've never been sure why people have always assumed I was far younger than my age, or even younger than my younger sister, but I really didn't know why. I've told my therapist that I *can* be a grownup when I have to be, but I don't feel as if I ever crossed that emotional bridge into adulthood that others have. I see the world through a child's eyes (which makes everything exciting and new).

When I was working, I was very professional and focused, but as soon as I left work, I was me again. I consider everything I do to "act" as a grownup to be an exercise in improvisation or acting, because I can sense when I'm being me as a "person," me as a "grownup," or "me as an Aspie," etc.

I would suggest, like some people already have (above), that when you want to be taken seriously, you create a (more) serious surrounding. That might include a different profile picture, different credentials, etc.

I provide input on some Q&A sites, and I have the ability to change my "profile" or "credentials" to fit that purpose. So, if I'm answering as "me," I'll use one credential, if I'm answering as a parent, I use another, etc.

You create the person others believe you to be; it just takes some practice.

 

[OkRad]

THat is me, too. Always feel younger but can't fake it now. On the bright side, I went to A dr recently and first Dr I told I have autism and it's exploding. She was very nice to me.

The trouble is that HFA are in the middle. I would rather be treated with kidness after being smashed by life. I would rather be even kindly patronized at this point than all those "WTF IS WRONG WITH THAT FREAK?" looks I got before.

I want a shirt that says I HAVE AUTISM. STOP STARING. START THINKING.

 

[SocOfAutism]

Many autistic people appear younger than they are because their faces don't make as many fine muscle movements as neurotypicals. My husband is autistic and I am neurotypical. We're the same age, but I have wrinkles and he doesn't. In fact, most of my wrinkles are around my eyes, I think because I make a LOT of NT-like facial expressions.

 

[toothless]

THat is me, too. Always feel younger but can't fake it now. On the bright side, I went to A dr recently and first Dr I told I have autism and it's exploding. She was very nice to me.

The trouble is that HFA are in the middle. I would rather be treated with kidness after being smashed by life. I would rather be even kindly patronized at this point than all those "WTF IS WRONG WITH THAT FREAK?" looks I got before.

I want a shirt that says I HAVE AUTISM. STOP STARING. START THINKING.

you could go to one of those tshirt printing shops okrad,get one made up.
or put it on cafepress on your own shop type thing so others interested could buy it.

as for gender,i never see gender in people,i grew up not understanding the differences between genders and because of my autism and my visual perception i saw everyone as the same stock shape.
after a lot of specialist teaching while at one residential home,i am able to understand the basic differences but i still dont look at each person online [or offline] and think 'that is a female' or 'that is a male',i treat everyone as the same,i dont think of gender its just a throw back to my lack of understanding.