Obsessing and need help

[Zack]

I have been having a rough February. It all started when I began seeing a therapist with the intention of starting hormone replacement therapy (I am a transman). However, somewhere in the span of our sessions, it has come up that I display many characteristics of individuals with Asperger’s. It was initially my boyfriend who brought it up, stating that I was overall socially inept and he had difficulty trying to talk to me because I take so long to process what he is saying and often ask him to repeat himself because I misunderstand his meaning. This has led us to many arguments that end with me either lying on the bed like a log because I have shut down entirely or manically throwing things or hitting myself in the stomach over and over before having a dramatic sob. Additionally, he is getting frustrated because I won’t get over a restrictive eating disorder I have supposedly been recovered from for 3 years. And those are just the biggest things.

So, from everything has come the label ‘Aspie.’ My therapist and I touched on in briefly, but there is so much else to talk about that it has been getting pushed aside for the last couple of sessions. The problem is that I think about it constantly. Absolutely every minute I am thinking about it, reading about it, having fantasies about it, filing through all of my memories to pick out each individual instance in which my actions might be explained by an ASD diagnosis, observing my behavior and obsessing over whether or not I made a decision because I thought I was an Aspie or because I am an Aspie and therefore made that decision. I cannot think without criticizing myself. A sentence will play in my head for hours, and when I notice it, I will say “that could be a symptom of Aspergers.” When I am at work, I have to force myself not to read the same articles over and over again. I am driving myself crazy and I need someone to do something or say something that will make it stop. I have been going through these patterns every day for about 3 weeks. My boyfriend is fed up with me talking about it – I even change the subject to talk about it. I can’t listen well because I am just thinking about it.

Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Does anyone have any advice?

If something isn’t clear, please say so and I will explain better.

Thanks guys.

 

[Judge]

It has consumed the vast majority of my thoughts over the course of nearly a year's time now. Unless you have it or think you have it, sadly I can't imagine how you could successfully convey what the process is like to one who does not have ASD. Whether they really want to know or not.

The one person close to me in my orbit doesn't really want to hear about it either.

It's what makes this place so important. I can talk about it here, and people can relate to it rather than reject it.

 

[Ereth]

I honestly can't say I've experienced what you describe. For a while after my diagnosis, I did spend time wondering how much of my personality is "mine" and what may have come from the ASD, but I don't think I was too obsessed. I suppose I managed to cope better than most people would.

Have you tried writing about how you feel? That always helps me.

And as Judge said, you're always welcome to talk about it here. That's why this forum exists.

 

[Judge]

For a while after my diagnosis, I did spend time wondering how much of my personality is "mine" and what may have come from the ASD

I have to admit, this is something I have yet to resolve.

That I still feel like the majority of what I thought constituted my "personality" remains mostly a series of explainable traits on a spectrum.

At times I feel like a person who wakes up one day to discover they were adopted. Who am I...really?

 

[Ereth]

I understand that feeling . . . I think for me, the ASD probably exaggerated existing personality traits (shyness, etc.), but that's it. I'm still myself.

 

[Turk]

Its understandable to feel like this Zack, as you've got a lot on your plate at the moment. Trying to examine past actions is all consuming and difficult to deal with. Many of our past actions just dont register on our radar, which frustrates our want to examine them.
This behavior had me overthinking, not sleeping and dropping the ball, in the present. I made a decision to speak to all those who knew about my condition. I told them, that because of what I am there are things in past that may have offended some of you. My inability to see them in the same way makes them almost invisible to me. So I offered them the opportunity to bring up anything that has hurt them, at my hands. Where I will listen, not judge and validate their pain. Im starting to address day to day behavior, but the past needs to stay in the past, for now. As Aspies this is an OCD cocktail, tailored for self destruction. In the context of how your feeling about Aspergers, maybe you should mention it to your therapist. He may wish to re -prioritise how he's dealing with your issues. And as Erith says, the forums are here to get all this out. We are all walking in your shoes, in every corner of the globe. Using these forums brings us a little closer to your corner

 

[Zack]

For a while after my diagnosis, I did spend time wondering how much of my personality is "mine" and what may have come from the ASD,

I didn't think about this until now, but perhaps that is an aspect of what I am fearing with regards to everything I keep thinking about. I have, for my entire life, felt so lost and undefined. Now, suddenly, there is something there that completely sums it up. It takes all of the feelings of isolation, darkness, anger, anxiety, mystery and uncertain identity and slaps a big fat label on top, covering up all of the subtlety of every moment I spent questioning if I was even human.

That is scary.

 

[Ereth]

Yes, it is. But I promise you that you are not defined by that label. ASD will likely explain why some of your behaviors are what they are, but it's not why you're you. We're really composites of multiple influences and experiences . . . so no single element is responsible for what makes us us.

 

[frogpants]

Oh goodness yes, here too. First when I was diagnosed with adhd. I became obsessed with it and stayed up nights googling it. Now that I think I might be aspergers too it's been all I can think about. Just like you, it explains every single moment of my life.

We are still human, just not the human that we were trying to be to fit in. It's been a relief for me. I never knew who I was or what I was, never really felt grounded, so the more the idea of this sinks in, the more relief I feel. Now instead of spending all that energy trying to fit in or figure out why I was so uncomfortable, I can figure out who I really am.

 

[Turnip]

frogpants Please don't let it define you! As Ereth so eloquently expressed above -

I promise you that you are not defined by that label. ASD will likely explain why some of your behaviors are what they are, but it's not why you're you. We're really composites of multiple influences and experiences . . . so no single element is responsible for what makes us us.

 

[frogpants]

frogpants Please don't let it define you! As Ereth so eloquently expressed above -

ok I'll try. Right now it seems like it's all about the adhd/aspergers and the many many many misunderstandings on my part. It's defined my life. I've known for a long time now that I didn't quite know who I was so now I have to figure that out. (I was only diagnosed adhd and that was just a few years ago)

 

[Zack]

Just an update, in case anyone is interested. I was able to talk with my therapist about this, and, although she had few answers for me, I was able to somehow let it go. It is strange how I became so quickly engrossed and consumed by the topic for weeks, only to almost immediately be over it.

I have continued to talk about my aspergers with my therapist over the past couple of weeks, and she is fairly convinced that asd is a qualifying diagnosis, athough I have adked not to be diagnosed on paper for personal reasons (she is not obliged to do so because she does not take insurance coverage).

So im comfortable with my new knowledge and hope to put it to constructive (rather than obsessive) use in the future!

 

[Loomis]

Finding out you are on the spectrum can be very beneficial. It helped me make sense of many things in my past that were puzzling. It is also really cool to meet other aspies: to make a connection and share experiences.

 

[Jay M.]

that is so cool I am a transman as well. When my therapist told me I was probably on the spectrum I obsessed over it like you. I alway obsess over things, there are two times when I obsess over things: when I am super excited to do something (meaning I cant wait to do something so cant stop thinking about it, and get antsy and impatient) or when I am worried.

 

[Bird]

This sounds VERY familiar. It is also comforting to know it's relatively "normal".

 

[Beverly]

I went nuts thinking about it, analyzing my every word, action and thought, reviewing past ASD probable things in my life, reading, researching and, even talking with other Aspies for about six months, Then I got a handle on it and decided that even though I just figured it out, I've been an Aspie all of my life so, really nothing changed other than I got some explanations for why I am me and, why I think, act and interact the way I do. That's when I let go of that temporary obsession and got back to the things I love doing and, the things I needed to be doing.

Knowing does lead to understanding yourself better and, that leads to being able to explain yourself better to a partner. No not everyone can deal with us as partners. As much as we try, and mostly succeed with practice, we will still have shutdowns and, a few meltdowns (that's the temper tantrum thing we do and, isn't a tantrum at all but, simply the way our minds release the energy we build up form being overloaded with sensory input, has nothing to do with whether we are anger, disappointed or whatever, just overloaded and, that anxiety energy comes out rather violently for most of us.)

Obsessing is pretty normal for us. We want to know every detail about anything that interests us and, when it IS us, we think we MUST know it all. Relax, you will figure out your specifics just by living and, I don't think anyone ever knows everything about ASD because ASD is different for each of us.