Obsessed with People (of the opposite sex)?

[Divrom]

I have a number of obsessions, but the thing that concerns me most is how easily I can get obsessed with people of the opposite sex.

I am married and have 3 kids, so it's not like I'm on the prowl or some kind of womaniser. However, I could be around a woman for a couple of hours and at the end of it feel like I've got some kind of massive crush on her. It's worse if she's nice and has a nice smile.

I know that probably sounds really pathetic - and rationally I know it's ridiculous - but it's fairly common. And it worries me.

Is that normal? Is it an Aspergers thing?

 

[King_Oni]

A follow-up question to you Divrom. I can understand where you're coming from... though I don't know if and how it's an Aspergers thing.

Do you in general think those women like you equally, just because they spend that time with you?

 

[Divrom]

That's a good question.

No, I don't think I think that. I'm not sure it even occurs to me.

EDIT: It's possible though. I'm really not sure.

 

[FishyEnthusiest]

I tend to get attached to people fairly easily if given the chance, especially if the are nurturing or understanding of me. Once I am attached to somebody I like to be around them and talk to them alot....which usually intern scares people away.

 

[smith2267]

when I was a kid, I got crushes a lot, starting at a very early age (about 5).
But not anymore

 

[eon]

You're not alone. Always has happened to me.. It's sort of a thing of persisting thoughts. Or fixation is another way I can describe it. Happens either with people around my every day life like co workers that i have no direct professional relationship with, or even external to me (ie youtubers, actresses, etc) crush is used loosely because you really might have no interest in them other than as representing a character in your mind's fixation, not the actual individual. Part of it is obviously physical attraction but I feel like there is more to that within aspie personality

My wife reports a similar feeling and it only occurs if she's worked very well with someone, so the attachment fixation that gets created is emotional

 

[Eric B]

I'm grappling with this now, in counseling, in the middle of a major mid-life emotional upheaval.

What I've gathered so far, is that everything from toilet training at 2 and 3, to spanking, to the tight pants of the disco era and the shortening hemlines of the 80's (all of this leading to a butt fixation), plus not having a girlfriend as a teen or young adult and then fearing there would be no virgins left by the time I finally did get one (I didn't want someone experienced, telling me what to do. I did luckily find one, though); all gave me this incredible jealousy towards women. I relate to them much better than to men (which my wife is concerned about), and as their "assets" have come to represent a form of "power" to me, wish I could live vicariously through them. (Which does get me fixated on some individual women, who come to represent that in some way).

So yes, this is AS, and what I'm trying to really deal with in counseling, to find out what I'm supposed to do about it. It is so frustrating, and has been making it nearly impossible to be content in life, especially in this period where your whole existence flashes before you. (I'm also currently reading Gaus, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Adult Asperger's Syndrome).

As my counselor specializes in "childhood and attachments" (esp. to parents), and he wants to look into my relationship with my father (who recently passed) for clues to this, it made me realize it all stemmed from not feeling valued. Everyone told me I was valued, but it was always with a "BUT..." followed by my AS related problems (which were assumed to be from me not "caring" or whatever, as no one knew anything about AS); and then cold, cutting lectures about all I ever did wrong, and a whole lot of other horrible stuff. So I did not feel valued, but rather more like a nuisance to everyone. (while they told me to "love myself" regardless, and failing to do so would perpetuate my problems).

Femininity, however, was something valued in society (though maybe not always the way women would want. Many of them did seem to capitalize/take advantage of it, however). Their bodies/appearance are valued, their wit, etc. So they have come to represent value, to me.
Masculinity's primary value is primarily power and strength, and if you don't have much of that, then what do you have?

 

[Divrom]

It's so reassuring to read that others feel the same way about this.

I saw one of the women today and realised that "crush" is not really the right word (though sometimes it may be included). With this one particular woman what I feel is more protective, as if it's my job to look after her.

But it's not always the way. At times, it's really bordered on obsession and I've had to filter everything I say, so as not to freak her out. Other times, I've worried I could end up having an affair, even though I'm not especially unhappy in my marriage (well, no more than usual). I could imagine myself throwing everything away for a woman I'd get bored of the next day.

It makes me feel pathetic. :no:

 

[Bay]

What effect does it have on your professional self (if I recall correctly you are a therapist)?

 

[Kelly]

I tend to get attached to people fairly easily if given the chance

Same here. I obsess over people but not in a sexual way at all, I believe it all stems to the lack of friends so the slightest interest from another human I grasp onto and want to talk to that person all the time and think about them alot, kind of like a crush but with nothing more then friendship in mind because I am very happily married.

Probably sounds strange but I obsess over my husband still, when he's not around I see things or read things and think oh I wish he were here he'd find that hilarious or I have to show him this or whatever and sometimes I just stare at him because I like taking in his features and thinking about his mannerisms, things he says etc....I sound a little crazy now don't I :lol:

 

[FishyEnthusiest]

I agree Kelly, it is never a sexual attraction but more of an interest in a person. i am in a good and happy relationship but I still find myself attaching to my manager at work because he is very understanding and i can talk to him about anything.

 

[Divrom]

What effect does it have on your professional self (if I recall correctly you are a therapist)?

Good question. For some reason, it doesn't occur with clients.

I think it's because of the 'role' I'm playing. I feel like I'm always playing a role, but very much moreso at work.

 

[Divrom]

Kelly,

Great comment, thanks.

With me, unfortunately, it can begin to feel sexual. I think I obsess over them first, then feel protective over them, then obsess over them and then fancy them. I think that's because of my over-the-top libido and because if I really like someone it develops into a sexual thing.

I hate it.

 

[banana bone]

You're probably going to miss it when it does go away. Apathy is the worse one.

I have the same thing but I have not been diagnosed as an Aspie.

 

[Eric B]

It's so reassuring to read that others feel the same way about this.

I saw one of the women today and realised that "crush" is not really the right word (though sometimes it may be included). With this one particular woman what I feel is more protective, as if it's my job to look after her.

But it's not always the way. At times, it's really bordered on obsession and I've had to filter everything I say, so as not to freak her out. Other times, I've worried I could end up having an affair, even though I'm not especially unhappy in my marriage (well, no more than usual). I could imagine myself throwing everything away for a woman I'd get bored of the next day.

It makes me feel pathetic. :no:

When I first tried to respond to this weeks ago, the forum was down, or something, and then I kept forgetting about it.

As I mentioned in my intro thread, I became too attached to a new female online friend, and my wife didn't like it, and the person then felt uncomfortable about my wife's reaction and ended the friendship. I tried to give it some time (as I work out all my issues in counseling), but couldn't convince my wife to accept the friendship, and so the person still feels uncomfortable (especially since I divulged too much yet again, and this that I was getting angry, which showed I was still too "obsessed"), so I give up.
Meanwhile, my wife, who was complaining of being miserable without socialization while she was in school and internship last fall/winter/spring; since school is over, she gets to go out with her female friends every day, and tells me ?get a male friend?. The closest thing to a male friend I had; someone I used to talk to about typology a lot, and he even helped me to understand it, and he came up here to Brooklyn from Tennessee a few weeks ago, and I find out about it on the Facebook feed the day he got back home. That?s how it usually is for me with ?friendships?, especially males I fond one person I really seemed to click with. Males just don?t relate the same way as females.
So I've been very jealous of her (my wife), and a bit resentful. She's not happy about the situation essentially ending the way she would want, because of this reaction.

Typical of Aspies, I tend to become fixated on things and people, and taking me away from something I like makes me more obsessive about it.

I just feel that "life" wins again, and it's ultimately me who always messes these things up, and it doesn't stop. I never seem to get a break. I wouldn't be so obsessed with females (other than my wife, good for the other poster that at least it's your spouse you're obsessed with!) now if my teenage years hadn't been so similarly screwed up (by unknown AS symptoms).

I'm really trying to work on these obsessive issues. It's what I'm devoting all my time in counseling for. His specialty is "childhood and attachments (especially parents)", and he seems to think this is all about my father somehow (and my wife thinks a lot of it is that too), and he's been giving me books to read on the subject. Though it's hard with AS. He told me the other week that no man he knows of (from tough "street" guys on down) could last a week in my shoes, emotionally. That felt really affirming, in contrast to always being told others had it just as hard or worse all the time (Which I realize, but still, my problems are different than theirs).

So I just don't know what to do with myself now.

To get a better sense of who I am, here is my Father's Day tribute to him:
First Father?s Day Beyond: a tribute ? erictb
He, naturally, in so many ways, made me all that I am today.

 

[skk123]

Boy, reading this thread makes me feel like i'm reading my autobiography.

I get obsessions over different people that stem from having a conversation with them. I've only had one friend and no female friends (girlfriend or otherwise) from my teens onward, so when a female strikes up a conversation that i'm able to easily complete from start to finish without any awkward pausing, exiting, or saying something stupid, i want that to continue happening. Its like a new feeling to me and i never want it to stop. I get a euphoric feeling like i just achieved something i previously could not. I develop scenarios in my head about what I could talk to them about next, but what ends up happening is they have no interest in talking to me again and i feel like dirt and fixate on where i went wrong (when really i just made it out to be something bigger than it was)

If by chance i end up getting to know someone, i get that protective feeling over them. For example, recently i got to know this girl through my friend, and found out through outside sources she was raped and has a verbally abusive boyfriend. I ended up with instant empathy (with no ability to express) i felt angry and developed all these scenarios of how i would "rescue" her and we could live happily ever after.

Usually the thoughts will fade as i fall out of contact with that person, but if we stay in contact, through work or texts, the thoughts persist and continue to ramp up. To the point where i get offended if they don't contact me or talk to me. As far as sexual attraction is concerned, it usually isn't for that reason these thoughts start, but i do have the typical pervy male thoughts without becoming fixated on that person. My fixation usually stems from a deeper level.

 

[LikeyouToMe]

I have obsessions with people, mainly new people all the time. It's a mental thing, but I make as much effort as possible to be around them, see them and speak to them at any and every given opportunity.

I feel attracted to famous people, models, alternative models and such and feel the need to have these people as friends and be close to them. I guess it's probably from previous problems I've had where I need to make and keep friends and have them as close as possible... Which (in all it's f**king irony) I end up coming on too god damn strong and people get scared off and or upset with me and end up pulling away.

I miss having friends and seeing people on a regular basis.

 

[rolo]

The problem especially now I'm older and sober is what a woman wants- I seem to have lost confidence in that department especially as I have physical problems to boot- i never know whether she just wants to have a friendship or is really interested- I am an all or nothing kinda guy-that makes it difficult when I either say nothing at all or tell her my life story before shes even sat down. Every time it goes wrong a little more trust is eroded . Needless to say I am still single and completely isolated. I dream of the settling down scenario often and whenever I meet a woman that even smiles at me-all of a sudden we are blissfully happy and she wants my babies. I can relate to the obsessive thought process in that respect-However,I do not obsess about famous people at all-the celebrity culture to me is fickle at best-totally toxic at worst and many are sucked in to the fallacy that they are a class above the rest

 

[Eric B]

Just finished reading one of the books my counselor suggested, John Eldredge Fathered By God. Its premise is that a man needs to get a sense of being a “beloved son”, who "has what it takes" from his father. If he doesn't get this, he seeks it in women. This I see is my problem.

I never longed to be "the beloved son", and wasn't even aware of the need. My father was there, and all I remember of him around 4 was taking me on his bike. That was a fatherly thing to do, but at 6, when my AS became highly evident, but not explained, then he became rough and scary. As time went on, he showed me how to do things (trying to develop in me a sense of "having what it takes"), but became critical when I didn't get it. His attitude was more "learn to do for yourself". We didn't have a car until I was 17, and he offered to take me out practicing driving, and I was enthusiastic about it, but after a couple of weeks, he never felt like doing it anymore.

So "beloved son" was not even in the equation. What I hoped most from him was not to be angered and lash out at me. I do have fond memories of his lifestyle, as I chronicled in my blog tribute. But I imagine those are mainly impersonal things, and have little to do with his love for me. But again, just staying out of his wrath was the pressing goal. This got harder as time went on, and I was not growing up the way he wished.

So I see now, over time, I came to practically disown manhood. No gender identity or preference issues (it in fact made me solidly heterosexual as men are just all the more "yucky"), but still have this desire to relate to women, and "no use" for men. Hasn't done a bit of good for me, but only led to more expectations from people (and myself), that I have failed. Value to me is associated almost 100% with femininity.


So since I have NEVER felt I "had what it takes", it seems desiring to WEAR a woman's body is the ultimate conquest, and "having" an attractive woman is the next best thing.
A sexy woman has “what it takes”, and that is to be VALUED and WANTED.

Then, a virgin is a woman for whom NO MAN had what it takes (yet), and with some lesbians, none ever will; so I am equal to every other man in their respect. And when it's lost, it's irreversible, and another man's claim is sealed forever, even if he does not stay with her.

The problem for me is that the book says the way to be "healed" and recapture the love you were supposed to get from your father is through prayer to God, "giving Him" every female you've ever had an emotional attachment to, and it is not a one time thing, you have to keep doing it again and again in order to get better. They consider this a special work of God, but really, it is just a form of psychological suppression. He even says "God will bring a woman across your path who speaks to your longings, and your wounds, your fears even, in order to raise the issue so that he might heal", or in other words, a "test", to make you "grow". Evangelicals like this believe God constantly "test" us through painful situations.
No allowance is made for AS.

 

[Scaramouche]

I quickly became "attached" to people. Actually, all things I'm interested in turns into obsessions. As for opposite sex, the girls becames my obsession just after 2-3 dates and turns into a kind of a special interest.

For example, when being in a virtual relationships I visited the profile of my "sweetheart" approximately 5-10 times in just a 5 minutes! The same thing happens when I being in a real relationships - one day I visited her profile on a dating site about 150-200 times per day. An interesting thing - is that when being obsessed by girl my primary obsession becames temporarily forgotten.