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Observations, one week after self-diagnosing

Ed#

Weird NT
I tentatively self-diagnosed myself as HFA/Asperger a week ago. Here are a few thoughts I have had along the way. I don't think any of this will be a shock to anyone here; I'm sure these issues have been discussed many times. Still, I'd like to share my thoughts and experience.

1. The first and most obvious effect has been that I like and accept myself more. Things about myself that frustrate and confuse me -- like why I have trouble making friends, or why I find social relationships so exhausting -- are now seen as part of this syndrome, not as evidence of my defectiveness. Shame has dogged me all my life, so being relieved of some of that shame is beautiful. I'm grateful. I extend more empathy to myself now; I'm less judgmental. I also feel an anguished sort of compassion for the struggles I've been through.

2. I am learning that so many things about myself -- puzzling, weird, or frustrating -- are part of this syndrome. Just this morning, taking the Aspie quiz, I learned a few more (e.g., wanting to create your own spiritual belief system, not liking travel, talking to yourself). I keep learning things all the time, and I will say to myself, "Oh, that's a sign of Aspergers?" I have a two-page list of signs/traits, and it's growing.

3. I feel like in some ways, this is addressing the core of who I am. If not the core, at least pretty close. Unlike some of the other "issues" that I've worked with (e.g., social skills), I don't feel like I'm fiddling around the edges. I feel like we're talking about how I am built at a fundamental level.

4. I feel less alone. It is very validating, to see my experience echoed by others. I feel less alone when I read comments and see myself reflected in them.

5. I'm finding the topic of masking especially important. It's been important to me my whole life, although I've known it under different labels (honesty, authenticity, impression management, transparency, openness, codependence, approval-seeking, etc.). I've worked on these issues for many years, but I've never considered it from an Asperger perspective. One thing that has helped me recognize is how over-simplified much of the authenticity-promoting literature I've read has been. Authenticity is much trickier for those on the spectrum than it is for NTs.

6. Confusion about whether I am an Asperger/HFA, and if so, how much. My self-diagnosis is tentative, but I resonate to a lot of what I've heard, and my scores on the two screens I've taken (ASQ and RAADS) have been positive. It's confusing, though, because "autism" is such a diverse category, and I don't recognize myself in many of the presentations. Also, "autism" connotes (to my ears) severe disability, although I know that's not accurate. Beyond that, though, I just find the whole thing hard to believe. "I'm autistic? Me?" On the one hand, it helps to explain a lot. On the other, I still find it difficult to swallow.

I'm just beginning to learn, so this will change over time, but that's how I'm feeling about it so far.
 
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Reading about someone finding themselves and realising they like this person is so uplifting. Thank you for posting.

As for classifications - forget them. They are a tool used by neurotypicals in an attempt to understand us, they are not really relevant to us. It's like a woman trying to get you to understand what it's like to live as a woman, she can talk all she likes but unless you get a chance to live it you will never really understand.

I told the autism crc that it was very much like the search for dark matter - they know it's there but they are unable to interact with it in any meaningful way.

I'm glad you're finding your journey of discovery a happy one.
 
Great post, thanks for sharing. It's really great to see all your positive steps on your journey so far.

As Outdated said, don't get too hung up on classifications. If you have a label or a term or a descriptor that you identify with, great. But a lot of the time, these are just pigeon holes and labels people like to push and apply to others for their own convenience. It's your identity, personal to you, no one else. It is after all, a spectrum.

All the best to you as you continue with your journey.
 
I too am self-diagnosed and it's FINALLY been the piece that I've been missing of my "puzzle".
I am in a state of "geek-gasm" acknowledging all the possibilities our ilk present.

I also hope to somehow facilitate helping our brothers and sisters who need daily support.

PEACE!!
 
Thanks for the feedback, everybody. Appreciate it.

My OP probably painted an overly rosy picture, but that's how I was feeling yesterday. Emotionally, though, it's been up and down. Some days, I feel relieved and optimistic. Other days, like today, I feel sad and hurt.

The sadness comes, I think, from exploring the subject of Aspergers/autism. As I listen to others' stories, I'm reminded of painful experiences in my life -- not fitting in, being bullied in school, feeling alienated and alone. It's bringing up a lot of old, painful memories. I'm also feeling more like a defective weirdo, because the information highlights my social deficits and how I fumble, stumble, and struggle.

I don't mean that the material itself is "making" me sad. It does bring up pain for me, but it's old pain, not pain directly related to the material (which is mostly accepting and affirming). The material is just touching on painful issues, which have been there long before the "diagnosis."
 
I went through this as well. I wrote my autobiography, not for other people to read, it's far too personal for that, but as a way of exorcising a lot of old ghosts. That really helped me.

It also helps when I do want to explain something to people, in many instances I don't have to fully relive those memories, I can just copy and paste from my book.
 
I went through this as well. I wrote my autobiography, not for other people to read, it's far too personal for that, but as a way of exorcising a lot of old ghosts. That really helped me.

It also helps when I do want to explain something to people, in many instances I don't have to fully relive those memories, I can just copy and paste from my book.

That sounds handy.

I have kept a journal since I was about 18. It can be painful to re-read, but I'll often learn something from it -- if only, "Hey, it used to be worse; you've come a long way."

I got very "efficient" with my journaling, though -- to the point where, about a year ago, I lost interest in doing it. I had this elaborate process of multiple passes on voice recorder, screening out "fluff," and then eventually distilling the description down to the bare bones. It made the journal easier to read, but it also killed my interest in journaling.

Looking back, I think that's because I excised the most therapeutic part of journaling, which is writing out your experience in the moment, and trying to come to grips with it (as opposed to just recording a concise version of the conclusions, weeks later). Maybe I should take that up again.
 
I bottled everything up until I was in my late 40s, then wrote a 700 page story in just a few weeks. A lot of angst and anger and tears, but it really helped.
 
I bottled everything up until I was in my late 40s, then wrote a 700 page story in just a few weeks. A lot of angst and anger and tears, but it really helped.

Wow, that's a lot of writing (33 pages a day, by my estimate). Sounds very cathartic. Bet your fingers were sore, as well as your heart.
 
Same with the acceptance. Though for me there was a huge span of time between diagnosis and understanding what I was diagnosed with. Perhaps they thought that since I was a kid I wouldn't know myself so I was never explained any of it which I think is a shameful failure of child raising.
 
Same with the acceptance. Though for me there was a huge span of time between diagnosis and understanding what I was diagnosed with. Perhaps they thought that since I was a kid I wouldn't know myself so I was never explained any of it which I think is a shameful failure of child raising.

I agree. I wish they would have let you know about it. It would've helped you understand yourself and navigate the world better.
 

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