Ed#
Weird NT
I tentatively self-diagnosed myself as HFA/Asperger a week ago. Here are a few thoughts I have had along the way. I don't think any of this will be a shock to anyone here; I'm sure these issues have been discussed many times. Still, I'd like to share my thoughts and experience.
1. The first and most obvious effect has been that I like and accept myself more. Things about myself that frustrate and confuse me -- like why I have trouble making friends, or why I find social relationships so exhausting -- are now seen as part of this syndrome, not as evidence of my defectiveness. Shame has dogged me all my life, so being relieved of some of that shame is beautiful. I'm grateful. I extend more empathy to myself now; I'm less judgmental. I also feel an anguished sort of compassion for the struggles I've been through.
2. I am learning that so many things about myself -- puzzling, weird, or frustrating -- are part of this syndrome. Just this morning, taking the Aspie quiz, I learned a few more (e.g., wanting to create your own spiritual belief system, not liking travel, talking to yourself). I keep learning things all the time, and I will say to myself, "Oh, that's a sign of Aspergers?" I have a two-page list of signs/traits, and it's growing.
3. I feel like in some ways, this is addressing the core of who I am. If not the core, at least pretty close. Unlike some of the other "issues" that I've worked with (e.g., social skills), I don't feel like I'm fiddling around the edges. I feel like we're talking about how I am built at a fundamental level.
4. I feel less alone. It is very validating, to see my experience echoed by others. I feel less alone when I read comments and see myself reflected in them.
5. I'm finding the topic of masking especially important. It's been important to me my whole life, although I've known it under different labels (honesty, authenticity, impression management, transparency, openness, codependence, approval-seeking, etc.). I've worked on these issues for many years, but I've never considered it from an Asperger perspective. One thing that has helped me recognize is how over-simplified much of the authenticity-promoting literature I've read has been. Authenticity is much trickier for those on the spectrum than it is for NTs.
6. Confusion about whether I am an Asperger/HFA, and if so, how much. My self-diagnosis is tentative, but I resonate to a lot of what I've heard, and my scores on the two screens I've taken (ASQ and RAADS) have been positive. It's confusing, though, because "autism" is such a diverse category, and I don't recognize myself in many of the presentations. Also, "autism" connotes (to my ears) severe disability, although I know that's not accurate. Beyond that, though, I just find the whole thing hard to believe. "I'm autistic? Me?" On the one hand, it helps to explain a lot. On the other, I still find it difficult to swallow.
I'm just beginning to learn, so this will change over time, but that's how I'm feeling about it so far.
1. The first and most obvious effect has been that I like and accept myself more. Things about myself that frustrate and confuse me -- like why I have trouble making friends, or why I find social relationships so exhausting -- are now seen as part of this syndrome, not as evidence of my defectiveness. Shame has dogged me all my life, so being relieved of some of that shame is beautiful. I'm grateful. I extend more empathy to myself now; I'm less judgmental. I also feel an anguished sort of compassion for the struggles I've been through.
2. I am learning that so many things about myself -- puzzling, weird, or frustrating -- are part of this syndrome. Just this morning, taking the Aspie quiz, I learned a few more (e.g., wanting to create your own spiritual belief system, not liking travel, talking to yourself). I keep learning things all the time, and I will say to myself, "Oh, that's a sign of Aspergers?" I have a two-page list of signs/traits, and it's growing.
3. I feel like in some ways, this is addressing the core of who I am. If not the core, at least pretty close. Unlike some of the other "issues" that I've worked with (e.g., social skills), I don't feel like I'm fiddling around the edges. I feel like we're talking about how I am built at a fundamental level.
4. I feel less alone. It is very validating, to see my experience echoed by others. I feel less alone when I read comments and see myself reflected in them.
5. I'm finding the topic of masking especially important. It's been important to me my whole life, although I've known it under different labels (honesty, authenticity, impression management, transparency, openness, codependence, approval-seeking, etc.). I've worked on these issues for many years, but I've never considered it from an Asperger perspective. One thing that has helped me recognize is how over-simplified much of the authenticity-promoting literature I've read has been. Authenticity is much trickier for those on the spectrum than it is for NTs.
6. Confusion about whether I am an Asperger/HFA, and if so, how much. My self-diagnosis is tentative, but I resonate to a lot of what I've heard, and my scores on the two screens I've taken (ASQ and RAADS) have been positive. It's confusing, though, because "autism" is such a diverse category, and I don't recognize myself in many of the presentations. Also, "autism" connotes (to my ears) severe disability, although I know that's not accurate. Beyond that, though, I just find the whole thing hard to believe. "I'm autistic? Me?" On the one hand, it helps to explain a lot. On the other, I still find it difficult to swallow.
I'm just beginning to learn, so this will change over time, but that's how I'm feeling about it so far.
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