NT possibly dating man with AS? Help appreciated!

[Kerri Marsh]

Hello, I first want to apologize for any ignorance or a lack of education on this topic, I hope to not offend anyone and I am trying to just get some help and gain knowledge. I have done some of my own research on this topic but I don't want to make assumptions although I guess I am on this matter.

I will try to keep it short. I have been dating a man for almost 2 months. He is by far one of the most interesting and intriguing man I have ever met. He has told me in a conversation we were having that he does not understand other peoples emotions. I tried to delve into this with him but it was very difficult to make sense of what he was saying. He uses very elaborate language and speaks very philosophical. He explained that he would need me to explain my emotions to him otherwise he would not get it.

Also said he does not feel he feels the same way as other people do, he explained it that he only feels one emotion, that he can't differentiate between emotions such as being sad and angry or happy for all of those emotions he says he feels the same. He explained that sometimes he only knows he is angry based on his physical reactions such as Jaw clenching for anger. He says he can feel empathy and that he does fall in love but I'm not sure if it's in the same way someone else would.

In conversation he does seem to talk a lot about himself and goes into detail about what he did for the day. He does not typically use the phone to call me it's mostly through text messaging we only spoke once on the phone when we had an issue over miscommunication. He was very matter of fact but also willing to try and understand why I was upset. He has told me that he's good in relationships he has learned what to do and what not to do. He says he has trouble relating to anyone that he feels no one feels the way he does and has a hard time connecting with people although he says he has connected with me. He does seem distant in thought when we are having conversations. He is affectionate, always holds my hand, has his arm around me or gives me random kisses.

But this is where my ignorance comes in, are these signs of Aspergers? I am not trying to diagnose him but I am just trying to understand. I don't feel comfortable yet just out right asking him I do not want to offend him although I have this feeling it would not offend him he is extremely straightforward I should add. He is brutally honest and speaks everything that is on his mind including that he thinks about violence and sex all the time but can control his impulses, that he just feeds off of the adrenaline.

I am confused and I do not know how to go forward with this relationship. Yes I have my concerns but he is a good man, he is funny and intelligent and I have a very good time with him and a connection. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Judge]

It's possible that he might be on the spectrum of autism.

However from my own perspective I'd want many more details. Additionally IMO it's critical to determine if he himself has ever made such a consideration. Self-awareness is the first step in improving one's life in navigating your Neurotypical world. Which can be a bizarre and frustrating place to many of us on the spectrum.

 

[xudo]

Could be somewhere on the spectrum, could not be. If he hasn't told you he's on the spectrum, then either he doesn't want to or feel the need to, or he's not diagnosed. Or he's not on the spectrum.

Your only options really are to ask him outright, or wait and see if he mentions anything.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

In that very confusing conversation we had that I had mentioned in the post, he had compared himself to being similarly on the spectrum. But I did not know what that meant. And he even brought up a sociopathy spectrum (which I didn't know existed) but also denying being a sociopath. It was very confusing and I could not grasp what he was saying. I will try to have this conversation again. I am sorry if i left out any needed info. There is just a lot about him that I'm trying to explain.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

It's possible that he might be on the spectrum of autism.

However from my own perspective I'd want many more details. Additionally IMO it's critical to determine if he himself has ever made such a consideration. Self-awareness is the first step in improving one's life in navigating your Neurotypical world. Which can be a bizarre and frustrating place to many of us on the spectrum.

He has used that language, that he has learned how to navigate the 'typical human world'. HE has mentioned feeling more as a droid then a human.

 

[Judge]

He has used that language, that he has learned how to navigate the 'typical human world'. HE has mentioned feeling more as a droid then a human.

Language? You lost me. Or did you mean he's very much aware of the term "Neurotypical" ? If so, as xudo suggested, you might ask him flat out if he suspects or has been formally diagnosed having Autism Spectrum Disorder.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Language? You lost me. Or did you mean he's very much aware of the term "Neurotypical" ? If so, as xudo suggested, you might ask him flat out if he suspects or has been formally diagnosed having Autism Spectrum Disorder.

No I am sorry. I mean the term navigate, as in learned to navigate the typical human world. Yes, I should just ask. He's been so open, but that's the thing, I almost feel he would have straight out told me, he h told me things most would never think of saying. I almost believe he thinks he is on the spectrum of aspergers and sociopathy, that is what I got from our last conversation. I guess I just didn't make sense of it and will ask him to explain again. Thank you for your response!

 

[spaceman]

Could be somewhere on the spectrum, could not be. If he hasn't told you he's on the spectrum, then either he doesn't want to or feel the need to, or he's not diagnosed. Or he's not on the spectrum.

Your only options really are to ask him outright, or wait and see if he mentions anything.

Or he doesn't know.. (if he is)

 

[Judge]

No I am sorry. I mean the term navigate, as in learned to navigate the typical human world. Yes, I should just ask. He's been so open, but that's the thing, I almost feel he would have straight out told me, he h told me things most would never think of saying. I almost believe he thinks he is on the spectrum of aspergers and sociopathy, that is what I got from our last conversation. I guess I just didn't make sense of it and will ask him to explain again. Thank you for your response!

Why do you mention him being sociopathic? I do know that some tend to confuse the two relative to ASD. Though in most cases we are not sociopaths- or narcissists . Though sometimes misunderstood as such.

However given what he has said, I don't think it would be out of line for you to politely ask if he is on the spectrum.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

He was the one who mentioned a sociopathic spectrum, relating it to himself. And when he said that I did admit to him that I suspected it because of his comment about not understanding or getting others emotions. He said he was not a sociopath that he does feel empathy. I honestly think he is confused about himself as well. I think he feels as though he is different from everyone. He has said he has never met anyone like himself before. But yes I should just ask politely and get a clear answer.

 

[Judge]

He was the one who mentioned a sociopathic spectrum, relating it to himself. And when he said that I did admit to him that I suspected it because of his comment about not understanding or getting others emotions. He said he was not a sociopath that he does feel empathy. I honestly think he is confused about himself as well. I think he feels as though he is different from everyone. He has said he has never met anyone like himself before. But yes I should just ask politely and get a clear answer.

Empathy is yet another important trait that is often misunderstood from a Neurotypical standpoint. We don't necessarily overtly project empathy in ways you might easily understand, so more often than not people just assume we are deficient with empathy when in fact we may not be.

It might not be a bad idea to simply refer him to this forum where he can explore the possibility that he might in fact be on the spectrum of autism, and neither as strange or alone as he may feel presently.

You might also ask him if in his own opinion, he "masks" any of his behaviors for whatever reasons. To consciously pretend to act as such, to get along with a group of people rather than to stand out in some way.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Empathy is yet another important trait that is often misunderstood from a Neurotypical standpoint. We don't necessarily overtly project empathy in ways you might easily understand, so more often than not people just assume we are deficient with empathy when in fact we may not be.

It might not be a bad idea to simply refer him to this forum where he can explore the possibility that he might in fact be on the spectrum of autism, and neither as strange or alone as he may feel presently.

You might also ask him if in his own opinion, he "masks" any of his behaviors for whatever reasons. To consciously pretend to act as such, to get along with a group of people rather than to stand out in some way.

I was planning on having a conversation with him tomorrow about this but last night I had mentioned to him that I feel we don't spend enough time together because he's been moving and has a lot going on in his life that takes up a lot of time and I asked him if he still felt like he had time to date and he got extremely offended and hurt by that. He said that he felt as if his efforts weren't good enough and that it makes me not patient. Now he is requesting space. He was so Hurt by what I said I wouldn't be surprised if it's over now.

 

[Judge]

I was planning on having a conversation with him tomorrow about this but last night I had mentioned to him that I feel we don't spend enough time together because he's been moving and has a lot going on in his life that takes up a lot of time and I asked him if he still felt like he had time to date and he got extremely offended and hurt by that. He said that he felt as if his efforts weren't good enough and that it makes me not patient. Now he is requesting space. He was so Hurt by what I said I wouldn't be surprised if it's over now.

More than likely it sounds like he simply has too much on his plate at the moment. If or when that happens, he may well ratchet back on his relationships which he may consider to be taking the most emotional energy. I know that's happened to me. Not a good thing, but it can happen. That when under a great deal of stress, it's my relationships with others which can be most vulnerable.

I once reacted badly to something similar, and basically terminated the relationship. We got back together again later, but it was never the same and eventually she terminated the relationship. Many years later I was able to figure it all out and realize it was all my own fault, not understanding my own autism to begin with.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

More than likely it sounds like he simply has too much on his plate at the moment. If or when that happens, he may well ratchet back on his relationships which he may consider to be taking the most emotional energy. I know that's happened to me. Not a good thing, but it can happen. That when under a great deal of stress, it's my relationships with others which can be most vulnerable.

I once reacted badly to something similar, and basically terminated the relationship. We got back together again later, but it was never the same and eventually she terminated the relationship. Many years later I was able to figure it all out and realize it was all my own fault, not understanding my own autism to begin with.

Thank you for sharing your story with me. As hard as I'm sure the situation was, having that insight at least later in may help with closure. Is it something that still weighs on you?

Unfortunately I do feel like he will terminate the relationship as well. He asked for space for a 'couple of days' and of course I am respecting his space, I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning when he made the request and I obviously don't plan on reaching out and giving him the time. But I have read (and excuse my ignorance) that this is common behavior? That he may just shut me out completely and that is something I should probably expect.

 

[Judge]

Thank you for sharing your story with me. As hard as I'm sure the situation was, having that insight at least later in may help with closure. Is it something that still weighs on you?

Given it was some thirty years ago, it's fair to say "yes" to that question.

Though I only stumbled onto learning of my autism just a few years ago.

Unfortunately I do feel like he will terminate the relationship as well. He asked for space for a 'couple of days' and of course I am respecting his space, I haven't heard from him since yesterday morning when he made the request and I obviously don't plan on reaching out and giving him the time. But I have read (and excuse my ignorance) that this is common behavior? That he may just shut me out completely and that is something I should probably expect.

We may or may not share various traits and behaviors, and at different amplitudes. So in reality we can be quite different from one another depending on one's perspective. That all said, you have to realize that many of us don't just crave solitude, but absolutely require it. More often than not to "recover"...or "rebound" when the stress of socialization becomes too much for us.

Is this "common behavior" ? Well, it most certainly is for me. And there's a critical aspect to it with regards to relationships. That you need to be able to rationalize that this is not about you, and to try not to take it personally. If he asked for some space, give it to him! And take this at face value that he will probably be back. That he just needs that "alone time" that is often so necessary for so many of us.

I'm not a misanthrope. Not at all. However I do much better with human beings in "small doses" than large ones. Maybe he might be similar to me in this regard. It's a complex thing to try to explain to much of anyone who isn't on the spectrum.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Given it was some thirty years ago, it's fair to say "yes" to that question.

Though I only stumbled onto learning of my autism just a few years ago.



We may or may not share various traits and behaviors, and at different amplitudes. So in reality we can be quite different from one another depending on one's perspective. That all said, you have to realize that many of us don't just crave solitude, but absolutely require it. More often than not to "recover"...or "rebound" when the stress of socialization becomes too much for us.

Is this "common behavior" ? Well, it most certainly is for me. And there's a critical aspect to it with regards to relationships. That you need to be able to rationalize that this is not about you, and to try not to take it personally. If he asked for some space, give it to him! And take this at face value that he will probably be back. That he just needs that "alone time" that is often so necessary for so many of us.

I'm not a misanthrope. Not at all. However I do much better with human beings in "small doses" than large ones. Maybe he might be similar to me in this regard. It's a complex thing to try to explain to much of anyone who isn't on the spectrum.

Ah wow 30 years ago and it still weighs on you, I am sorry to hear that. I appreciate you going more in depth about the situation.
I am giving him space and understand it's a necessity for him. I guess I am in protective mode and keep telling myself he is not coming back, so I'm not so shocked if he does not. But in the case that he does come back... do you think it would be okay to have a discussion on what happened or will that possibly emotionally overwhelm him again? He has a lot going on and is still in the process of moving and building furniture for his new place.

 

[Judge]

But in the case that he does come back... do you think it would be okay to have a discussion on what happened or will that possibly emotionally overwhelm him again? He has a lot going on and is still in the process of moving and building furniture for his new place.

Remember what may be overwhelming for him isn't your relationship but perhaps a sum total of things all going on in his life at the same time. When he clearly has less going on he may be far more approachable in that regard.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

Remember what may be overwhelming for him isn't your relationship but perhaps a sum total of things all going on in his life at the same time. When he clearly has less going on he may be far more approachable in that regard.

Yes good idea, I'll wait until things are less hectic for him. I don't want to add any extra stress. I'm mad at myself for bringing it up in the first place at such a bad time, but I did not realize how badly it would affect him. I hope he understands I did not mean to upset him in this way and was just trying to express my feelings, I felt safe with him to do so and like you said before in your past situation I'm afraid that if we do continue to date that things won't be the same, that he will look at me as a threat to his peace and I will not feel safe to communicate with him in fear of him lashing out and pulling away.

 

[Keigan]

There is not enough in the original post to determine AS.

There is enough to determine Alexithymia, do some research.

Then research Casandra Syndrome regarding emotional reciprocation.

Then write down you true needs around emotional connection with a partner.

I’m Alexithymic.

 

[Kerri Marsh]

There is not enough in the original post to determine AS.

There is enough to determine Alexithymia, do some research.

Then research Casandra Syndrome regarding emotional reciprocation.

Then write down you true needs around emotional connection with a partner.

I’m Alexithymic.

I did the research and wow.
I know that I am a very emotional person with strong emotional needs. I crave connection and intimacy, it's very important to me. I'm just confused I guess. He had mentioned to me before that he has a hard time connecting with people but says he thinks we have connected. I'm trying to wrap my brain around this and everything I am reading is giving me the basics. May I ask...do you feel connected to people and if so what is it like? Also have you ever been in love?