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Weezy

New Member
I am a NT male and my wife has Aspergers. I love her more than anything, so much that I am reaching out on a forum! I need help and feel like I’m drowning trying to keep my marriage afloat! We can have the best time in the world and then the next second I don’t respond or do something in a way she expected and all hell breaks loose. There are so many rules that I have learned and tried to follow to treat her the way that she claims she needs and I’m failing! I have zero time for myself Bc I’m always trying to make sure I do everything right to keep us happy. The internet is full of info for NT women with an AS male partner but zero the other way around. Can anyone help me understand this?
 
The one person most qualified to help you understand this is your wife. Choose a quiet moment to sit down with her and ask her to explain to you what it is she needs from you.
Ask her about recent events, see if she can explain what you said or did to make her angry. Look at it as a possibility of growing together.

I’m an Aspie woman with a long term relationship with a man who’s most likely NT. We usually get along quite well, but sometimes he drives me up the wall without realizing it. At moment such as those, I just need to take a time out. I really need to disengage to prevent things from escalating. I also need to process what it is that made me so angry and what can be done to prevent it.
I take a few hours or, if necessary, a few days, before bringing it up with my boyfriend.
 
Hello Weezy

welcome to af.png
 
Hello, good luck understanding, I am on the opposite end of the field, I have ASD and so does my son, but my wife is NT. You just described how she probably feels at times to a T. Welcome to AC!
 
I am a NT male and my wife has Aspergers. I love her more than anything, so much that I am reaching out on a forum! I need help and feel like I’m drowning trying to keep my marriage afloat! We can have the best time in the world and then the next second I don’t respond or do something in a way she expected and all hell breaks loose. There are so many rules that I have learned and tried to follow to treat her the way that she claims she needs and I’m failing! I have zero time for myself Bc I’m always trying to make sure I do everything right to keep us happy. The internet is full of info for NT women with an AS male partner but zero the other way around. Can anyone help me understand this?

Oh yes, I struggle with most things but this is easy :)

I am an aspie wife and have been married to an NT husband for near 20 years with 2 sons. Getting our relationship to work was a lot of trial and error, mostly error, but we've found a balance.

So first impression is that you are trying too hard. That's annoying. We express annoyance through anger, so you might notice that she seems constantly p**sed off at you.

Secondly you are reaching out in a typical non specific NT fashion. Your life and relationship will be fraught with criticism, so I am reluctant to add to that and criticize you further but if you've got this far then chances are you are strong enough to take it. So to communicate with an aspie female you need to be direct and specific.

For example, "oh woes me I am drowning, can anyone help?". Woolly. Whiny, Borderline irritating :).

Instead, try something like "I tried to talk to my wife yesterday but she put her headphones on and turned away, why?". Or "I feel like she doesn't love me anymore, why?", or "she yelled at me for trying to spend time with her, why?". Specifics, questions, give context, be logical. Then you will surely live happily ever after.
 
Hi there, my husband is the nt and I agree, that there is a heck of a lot of information regarding aspie men and so very little regarding aspie females.

We need clear instructions; we do not tolerate lack of logic. If you say what you mean, your wife can work with it.

My husband can be extremely evasive, which drives crazy.

My husband will swear that he does all he can and that I am just not listening or cannot be bothered to understand and YET, I have managed to explain what I need him to do and because he won't or I think more to do with "male pride" that his wife is not the typical woman.

We actually tend towords male thinking.

Have you asked her what she is requiring or are you ASSUMING that you know what she is requiring?

Just reread and did have a chuckle, because my husband says the same regarding me that because my expectations are not realised how I want them to be, I throw out bad vibes. The fact is, that I do see that I expect something to happen and when it doesn't, I think: how can you not see that is supposed to happen? I am told that I try to think of us both and I do not allow him to have his own thoughts, so I am working on that and one thing.

Does your wife make scenarios in her head and then, because they do not go like that, she is bitterly disappointed?
 
I'm an Aspie, married to an Aspie, and while you might expect that to mean everything runs well, smoothly and predictably, it really doesn't, because every Aspie is different.

Consequently, I have some similar problems too, and I am sure that my wife does with me, also.

What may help is if you can encourage your wife to express what she is thinking or what is happening as she perceives it, because clearly you are at a loss to understand what is happening inside her head at times. This is hardly a unique experience, because none of us are mind-readers, but where you may be capable of interpreting what many other people are experiencing by observing them and matching behaviours to your own experiences, that won't work at all well with an Aspie. As a result you really don't have the basis of any idea how things work for her without some very distinct clues.

For example, Aspies often have 'processing problems' - times when it is hard to work out how to comprehend or respond to some external stimulus, such as something that has been said, or some action or idea, or task. Processing problems result in unexpected pauses, sudden silences, or unpredictable and unexpected responses. What you would see is likely to be inexplicable and confusing, but if your wife can learn to simply indicate she is having issues processing, you would be able to take account of that fact instead.

Likewise, many Aspies have sensory problems meaning we can be overloaded very easily with too much input, or not enough downtime. Some of us have hearing issues where we can't filter different sounds, and they all arrive in a jumble. In my case for example that means if there's more than one voice talking at the same time, I can't work out what anyone is saying. If the kitchen timer is going off, I can't filter the sound out and thus can't hear anything else. If your wife suffers this, or anything like it, encouraging her to say so will help you understand and mitigate the problem.

Communication between the two of you is key to getting this under better control and you both reaching an understanding of each other's needs in this situation. Be clear and literal at all times, and don't expect that she can or will work out what you really mean rather that take your words at face value, and understand too that in almost every case, your wife is likely to mean exactly what she says, not something you are supposed to interpret from her words.

And make sure you are not judgmental. Her behaviours are the result of being on the spectrum, and are just as comprehensible in that context as your behaviours are to you - you just have to learn about what her neurology means to her rather than apply your expectations of her instead.

While it is true that there are far more examples of NT females looking for guidance on the Aspie male partners, there are a number of blogs etc written by Aspie females about what like on the spectrum is like, and how they function in the world around them. These can tell you a great deal. Try https://musingsofanaspie.com as a starting point for example.
 
Marriage is a 50/50 thing. We only get your view of the situation, but from that it sounds like you are enabling some bad behaviors. To do this fairly you have to talk out issues and come to agreements and compromises, not indulge arbitrary Aspie rules.
 
Not everything is about the ASD. There are many with ASD in relationships and they are able to give and take. There may be something else?
 
I’ve known her on and off for many years. Dates on and off for about 6 over long distance. Currently long distance. This adds another dimension. I have listened to her needs for hrs and hrs every day and nights. I get about 10hrs asleep aweek Bc we fight all the time. I’ve learned tons! I meet almost all of the needs she requested, but the problem is that it only takes one mistake or one thing that I have failed to do that isn’t my natural thought process or habits. I am a changed man because of this and I fully support and care and want to do it all for her. To live a life with no errors is tough especially being swamped at work and doing long distance.

The situation is super bad right now! I need to know what to do from here. Normally she says exactly what she wants and that’s easy, but apparently there is something I missed and she wants me to figure it out. I don’t know the riddle, she leads me leads me and boom she basically gave me the answer but now it doesn’t count Bc I didn’t figure it out on my own. I’m constantly trying to FIX things and she hates that she wants me to be proactive. I do my best to be. In this dynamic style of relationship I’m sure there are going to be errors and mistakes. I’m panicking Bc divorce is Being thrown around by her Bc I’m “too stupid” to figure this out. “She hates me” and I’m 1000 miles away. Every time this happens she expects me to buy last min flights to go see her $800 each time. I make like 40k. I love her more than anything. I am depleting all my resources, $,time , energy, sleep, emotions.

I’m not whining, I’m painting a picture to show where I’m at hoping someone can help put something in perspective a different way so maybe I can get the perfect light bulb moment and figure it out completely.



Oh yes, I struggle with most things but this is easy :)

I am an aspie wife and have been married to an NT husband for near 20 years with 2 sons. Getting our relationship to work was a lot of trial and error, mostly error, but we've found a balance.

So first impression is that you are trying too hard. That's annoying. We express annoyance through anger, so you might notice that she seems constantly p**sed off at you.

Secondly you are reaching out in a typical non specific NT fashion. Your life and relationship will be fraught with criticism, so I am reluctant to add to that and criticize you further but if you've got this far then chances are you are strong enough to take it. So to communicate with an aspie female you need to be direct and specific.

For example, "oh woes me I am drowning, can anyone help?". Woolly. Whiny, Borderline irritating :).

Instead, try something like "I tried to talk to my wife yesterday but she put her headphones on and turned away, why?". Or "I feel like she doesn't love me anymore, why?", or "she yelled at me for trying to spend time with her, why?". Specifics, questions, give context, be logical. Then you will surely live happily ever after.
 
I am a NT male and my wife has Aspergers. I love her more than anything, so much that I am reaching out on a forum! I need help and feel like I’m drowning trying to keep my marriage afloat! We can have the best time in the world and then the next second I don’t respond or do something in a way she expected and all hell breaks loose. There are so many rules that I have learned and tried to follow to treat her the way that she claims she needs and I’m failing! I have zero time for myself Bc I’m always trying to make sure I do everything right to keep us happy. The internet is full of info for NT women with an AS male partner but zero the other way around. Can anyone help me understand this?

I’ve known her on and off for many years. Dates on and off for about 6 over long distance. Currently long distance. This adds another dimension. I have listened to her needs for hrs and hrs every day and nights. I get about 10hrs asleep aweek Bc we fight all the time. I’ve learned tons! I meet almost all of the needs she requested, but the problem is that it only takes one mistake or one thing that I have failed to do that isn’t my natural thought process or habits. I am a changed man because of this and I fully support and care and want to do it all for her. To live a life with no errors is tough especially being swamped at work and doing long distance.

The situation is super bad right now! I need to know what to do from here. Normally she says exactly what she wants and that’s easy, but apparently there is something I missed and she wants me to figure it out. I don’t know the riddle, she leads me leads me and boom she basically gave me the answer but now it doesn’t count Bc I didn’t figure it out on my own. I’m constantly trying to FIX things and she hates that she wants me to be proactive. I do my best to be. In this dynamic style of relationship I’m sure there are going to be errors and mistakes. I’m panicking Bc divorce is Being thrown around by her Bc I’m “too stupid” to figure this out. “She hates me” and I’m 1000 miles away. Every time this happens she expects me to buy last min flights to go see her $800 each time. I make like 40k. I love her more than anything. I am depleting all my resources, $,time , energy, sleep, emotions.

I’m not whining, I’m painting a picture to show where I’m at hoping someone can help put something in perspective a different way so maybe I can get the perfect light bulb moment and figure it out completely.

I am not sure what you are getting from this relationship? Other than tons of unappreciated effort, lots of stress and anxiety, no sleep, and seemingly no life to fulfill your desires or needs when she is involved, as all the attention is on her. You seem to be giving far too much, without getting much in return.

It sounds like you have to do what she wants, when she wants, or else you are seen as stupid, or she will manipulative you in some other way, like in making some threat of divorce. Toxicity > Love for any relationship I feel. Maybe I am missing something, but it sure does not sound like she offers a whole lot to any relationship, but pain.
 
OkRad is right, not everything is to do with ASD, and what you're describing here is not that simple.

It isn't that Aspies are incapable of poor behaviour and irrationality, it's that what you describe is far less Aspie, and far more abusive. If that were me, I'd be questioning whether it was a relationship I should be in, because whatever emotion there is attached to it, the abuse that you open yourself up to by engaging in the relationship has the capability of long-term damage to you.

At the very least, I'd probably reach the point where I would call her bluff, and tell her that no, you're not going to cooperate with impossible and impractical demands. If she backs out of the relationship as a result, then you're really better off anyway, and if she doesn't, then you have at least stamped something of yourself on the relationship, where currently there's just her all over it.
 
What is going on that you need to be 1000K miles apart? How long has it been this way? I agree that distance is likely part of the problem, but from the way you describe things, it looks like she is more interested in a "sugar daddy" than a true partnership. Perhaps you should arm yourself with legal counsel regarding divorce law in your area and tell her to go for it when she next threatens divorce. Do you have any children? I hope you do not reside in Florida (lifetime maintenance state). At any rate, I recommend counseling.
 
I am a NT male and my wife has Aspergers. I love her more than anything, so much that I am reaching out on a forum! I need help and feel like I’m drowning trying to keep my marriage afloat! We can have the best time in the world and then the next second I don’t respond or do something in a way she expected and all hell breaks loose. There are so many rules that I have learned and tried to follow to treat her the way that she claims she needs and I’m failing! I have zero time for myself Bc I’m always trying to make sure I do everything right to keep us happy. The internet is full of info for NT women with an AS male partner but zero the other way around. Can anyone help me understand this?
What if when she is totally calm you ask her if y’all can lay down some safe boundaries.Such as if she isn’t having a melt down ask her if she needs you to just be quiet, if she’d rather you go to another room til she recovers or if she wants to be held and given comforting words or what. If she would let you leave th house. You cloud use this for your needs for a little while as long as she can accept it is not abandonment.

Also, it is worse when a person is young in their twenties. I was awful in my twenties because of hormones and lack of maturity. I am super blessed in that I am bad for meltdowns. i’m better but instill have them. My husband doesn’t say he is leaving cause i’m freaking. He just says he has to go mow the yard or something like that so it isn’t aimed at me personally.

Also, we used to do ministry to bikers. That is not a place to say the wrong thing so we developed hand signals in public. That way if I said something offensive to anyone he would gently pat me on the leg or shoulder and no one else noticed.

Another thing he does is he isn’t super calm. He used to beat people up in his younger years he said, had a temper, and it gave him migraines. So he learned to turn off worry and negative emotion like a light switch. I asked how he did that. He said thenmigrain was so bad it was survival to just turn it off. Then on top of that. When I’d have a melet down he’d just tell me in a he talking calm voice, “Honey, or I love you honey and he would not argue period!

It takes two to fight so long as you don’t join in she can process and it will stop on its own in a few minutes. My husband has learned mine are short lived and I have learned with years of suffering to let it go and get over it quicker. I might be mad for a legitamit reason but it serves no one to go on about it. Plus my behavior was an embarrassment to me.

I still don’t have full control but his tactics have helped me a whole lot. I don’t like everything in our relationship, no one does as we are not perfect as humans. But I could never tolerate a person with a temper. I had one of those once and he beat me up. Some people ask why I stay with him and I say because he doesn’t beat me. But seriously, peace is worth a whole lot. He happens to be passive aggressive, irresponsible, and can be lazy which can be annoying. But the peace is soooo worth it!

You dont have to walk on egg shells but do your half of responsibilities and just keep being kind. whatever you do don’t take it personal.
 
Women that say, “figure it out”, are usually young and immature. They usually expect men to “get it”. I later learned that guess what! Men do not read minds and they relate differently then women. So send her the book “Women are from venus, men are from mars,” and tell he she has to start working toward the relationship as hard as your do. Tell her if she won’t tell you and expects mind reading that you are not a psychic and will not respond at all, and don’t!!!!

I want through that stupid phase and so did a daughter-in-law. we were early twenties. I just didn't know any better . I thought men were supposed to be romantic and perfect like a Hallmark movie romance. This is totally insane but I really believed stuff I saw on TV and that men send flowers sporadically to their wives and all kinds of crazy stuff. I thought they had to be gushing over me all the time. Now at my age if my husband isn’t actually threatening to leave which he never does, i’m satisfies he loves me.

All this can be cleared up with a loving heart to heart talk about where did she get her ideas from. If she can’t accept they are unrealistic then you may have to bail. Another book that helps with this is The Five love Languages. People grow up and see their family express love in different ways. Some show with gifts, some show it with being a good provider, some show it with deeds. But if you show with deeds and she expects romance then you missed her “love language”. Or if you show with romance and she wants you to help with deeds it is the same thing. Another things is many women can’t deal with their loved one far away. They fear abandonment or infidelity. Even if you have perfect behavior she may not can believe it. I assume she is telling you part of what it is.
 
Aspies
I’ve known her on and off for many years. Dates on and off for about 6 over long distance. Currently long distance. This adds another dimension. I have listened to her needs for hrs and hrs every day and nights. I get about 10hrs asleep aweek Bc we fight all the time. I’ve learned tons! I meet almost all of the needs she requested, but the problem is that it only takes one mistake or one thing that I have failed to do that isn’t my natural thought process or habits. I am a changed man because of this and I fully support and care and want to do it all for her. To live a life with no errors is tough especially being swamped at work and doing long distance.

The situation is super bad right now! I need to know what to do from here. Normally she says exactly what she wants and that’s easy, but apparently there is something I missed and she wants me to figure it out. I don’t know the riddle, she leads me leads me and boom she basically gave me the answer but now it doesn’t count Bc I didn’t figure it out on my own. I’m constantly trying to FIX things and she hates that she wants me to be proactive. I do my best to be. In this dynamic style of relationship I’m sure there are going to be errors and mistakes. I’m panicking Bc divorce is Being thrown around by her Bc I’m “too stupid” to figure this out. “She hates me” and I’m 1000 miles away. Every time this happens she expects me to buy last min flights to go see her $800 each time. I make like 40k. I love her more than anything. I am depleting all my resources, $,time , energy, sleep, emotions.

I’m not whining, I’m painting a picture to show where I’m at hoping someone can help put something in perspective a different way so maybe I can get the perfect light bulb moment and figure it out completely.
Aspies can appear narcissistic. Some can’t feel what you feel or are what you are going through but sometimes they can understand it logically if you explain what you feel like when this or that happens and if it is expressed calmly.
 
If you’d like a specific answer from your wife, ask a specific question, don’t generalise.

If she appears permanently ticked off with you, it may be that you’re not meeting her expectations.
Don’t try harder.
don’t try harder to jump through those hoops she’s placed at such a height.
Stick up for your own natural capabilities and get her to realise she may be expecting too much. - but don’t load that conversation with emotions, stick to facts with real examples.

I can see that you love her and don’t want to lose her and you want her to be happy but what about you?

Get her down off that pedestal and get her to realise she needs to meet you halfway and compromise.
(It might be your fault she’s up on that pedestal:) )
Best of luck.
 
The situation is super bad right now! I need to know what to do from here. Normally she says exactly what she wants and that’s easy, but apparently there is something I missed and she wants me to figure it out. I don’t know the riddle, she leads me leads me and boom she basically gave me the answer but now it doesn’t count Bc I didn’t figure it out on my own. I’m constantly trying to FIX things and she hates that she wants me to be proactive. I do my best to be. In this dynamic style of relationship I’m sure there are going to be errors and mistakes.

Okay stop.

You're spinning your wheels. There is no riddle, we don't work like that.

You're interpreting an aspie females actions with an NT mindset. If you continue down this path you will take 2 steps backwards and burn yourself out.


I’m not whining, I’m painting a picture to show where I’m at hoping someone can help put something in perspective a different way so maybe I can get the perfect light bulb moment and figure it out completely.

The light bulb moment will come, be patient and work with us.

Now you say you are painting a picture, but you aren't. You are stuck inside your head on loop. You've described how much effort you have made, how much you have spent, what is expected of you, how hard long distances are. Technically that is whining, but let's not go there :)

Forget what has happened and focus on what is happening. Let's start with a few simple questions

1. How did you meet and what did she find attractive about you? And I don't mean, what do you think she found attractive about you, I mean what did SHE find attractive, think carefully about it from her perspective. For example, I found the fact that my husband was proficient in plumbing and that he had a car attractive.

2. Give an example of your last argument, how did it start, what was said?

3. Give an example of the last problem. And I mean actual examples, not generalizations with no data points, like "she hates me" and "she expects". Facts actions and direct quotes, not neurotypical extrapolations and assumptions.

4. Describe what she is like, her plans, what does she want? Try to compose the picture from her perspective, why is she so far away? Does she have family there?

In order to make this work you need to understand how she thinks. Currently, she is talking and you are filtering her words through your NT brain. I know this because you are practically quoting my husband word for word. If she really is aspie then what you are saying doesn't ring true, we don't work with expectations and riddles, so paint the picture and we'll explain to you how we do work.
 

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