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NT husband here looking for some clarification

Macrolio

Well-Known Member
I apologize if this is long and unorganized.

My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with Asperger's last year.

A few months ago she started putting a lot of time and attention into her friends...well one friend specifically. I questioned her about it and she denied that there were any feelings there other than as friends. She was constantly texting him; first thing in the morning, throughout the day, she'd even step out of the shower to text him back, and while we were going to sleep. After a week or so of my noticing this I confronted her again and she admitted to having feelings for him. She wanted me to be her house husband and for him to be her boyfriend. After a lot of talking and discussion between us she told him that she can't love two people. After this I wasn't comfortable with her keeping in contact with him, but she wanted to continue being best friends with him. NOTE: I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them.

A few weeks go by of us trying to figure out our boundaries as far as he was concerned. I didn't like them talking frequently, and she would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. I was allowed to go through their texts and see what they were talking about, but she wasn't going to limit the amount of time that she spent talking to/hanging out with him.

About a month ago it finally came to her telling me that she is done pretending to have feelings that she doesn't have. That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. That it is my job to figure out how to be happy with her having Asperger's. And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer". I am no longer allowed to touch her phone. And the amount of time she spends with him and texting him has increased. She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. I want to believe that but I don't know whats going on anymore.

She told me the other day that she wishes we could separate, and basically just see each other once a week to spend time together. We have 3 kids and so that is why she "cant".

I know that she has Asperger's and that makes something difficult/ impossible for her. But it seems like part of this is just her using her Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things, or putting in her share of this relationship.

I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."

I am really trying to understand her, and trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that we can both be happy. I've been reading stuff, and looking at forums...basically anything I can find, but nothing has been helpful so far.

I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.
 
I was an aspie husband with an NT wife for many years, and while I can't speak to anyone else's behaviour and attitude, I don't see any aspie-related cause for your wife's actions, other than perhaps an obsession with this person, and consequently an obsessive blindness to the consequences.

My view is that her Asperger's excuse is just that. A way to deflect what isn't answerable, which is exactly what does she think she is doing.

While aspie/NT relationships can be quite difficult to maintain, it is important to realise that the neurological differences don't stop us from being human, and sometimes that means there is a basic human cause to our behaviours, not an aspie one.

In this instance, I would suspect that she has developed an obsessive interest in this person, and as is fairly common for aspies, she cannot stop - at least not yet. Her other behaviours are all about protecting and progressing the obsession, and that her decision to remove the checks and balances of you being able to check the texts on her phone, or her wish to separate are really all about staying in the obsession and making it work for her. As such I don't think this necessarily means that the relationship with the other person has necessarily changed or gone further, but even if it hasn't, what she is doing is not reasonable in the context of her relationship with you, and her role as mother to your children.

Sadly, obsessions are not reasonable, and in this instance it may not even be under her control. She may be simply getting carried away in the tidal pull of it and letting it take her wherever it might go.

I wish I could give you some insight that might help, but I wouldn't find her behaviour acceptable, and I don't think you should. Marriage is not about you having to figure out how to be happy with something she should not be doing, it's about being grown up and accepting your responsibilities and working together towards common objectives and needs. She is not fulfilling her part of that agreement. Sadly though, there is no real way of making her compliant with those responsibilities if she choses not to be.

But no, in my book (and I have had an obsession or two) you are not crazy for feeling the way you do. You might be crazy if you didn't.
 
Hi there and welcome and no need to apologise.

Sadly, this is rather too uncomfortably similar to my own situation. I "fell in love" with a guy online and horribly, when I could no longer cope and fessed up to my husband, it got to the situation that I also said to him that I could not leave him, but needed so badly to keep in touch with this other guy and at first, hubby decided that he had no choice and after putting up with me chatting with this guy, he said: enough, can't deal with this. I want you all to myself. I will not share you.

I cried so much and realised that I had to break all ties with this other guy ( no face to face) and gradually things changed for the better with my husband and guess what? I did not even know I had aspergers at this time and that it was an obsession with me and it was my husband who eventually pointed out that I get into obsessions.

I have done a complete turn about now, since finding out about aspergers and would NEVER use it to get away with evil things in my marriage and thus, I say to you, that your wife is being outragious and you have the absolute right to enforce ground rules.

If anything with me, my husband will be arguing with me and I reluctantly say: it could be the aspie in me and he will say: yes that makes sense and things calm down.

I could never get away with using my aspieness against my marriage, even if I wanted to and I do not and actually do all I can to be a better person in my marriage.
 
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I apologize if this is long and unorganized.

My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with Asperger's last year.

A few months ago she started putting a lot of time and attention into her friends...well one friend specifically. I questioned her about it and she denied that there were any feelings there other than as friends. She was constantly texting him; first thing in the morning, throughout the day, she'd even step out of the shower to text him back, and while we were going to sleep. After a week or so of my noticing this I confronted her again and she admitted to having feelings for him. She wanted me to be her house husband and for him to be her boyfriend. After a lot of talking and discussion between us she told him that she can't love two people. After this I wasn't comfortable with her keeping in contact with him, but she wanted to continue being best friends with him. NOTE: I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them.

A few weeks go by of us trying to figure out our boundaries as far as he was concerned. I didn't like them talking frequently, and she would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. I was allowed to go through their texts and see what they were talking about, but she wasn't going to limit the amount of time that she spent talking to/hanging out with him.

About a month ago it finally came to her telling me that she is done pretending to have feelings that she doesn't have. That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. That it is my job to figure out how to be happy with her having Asperger's. And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer". I am no longer allowed to touch her phone. And the amount of time she spends with him and texting him has increased. She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. I want to believe that but I don't know whats going on anymore.

She told me the other day that she wishes we could separate, and basically just see each other once a week to spend time together. We have 3 kids and so that is why she "cant".

I know that she has Asperger's and that makes something difficult/ impossible for her. But it seems like part of this is just her using her Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things, or putting in her share of this relationship.

I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."

I am really trying to understand her, and trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that we can both be happy. I've been reading stuff, and looking at forums...basically anything I can find, but nothing has been helpful so far.

I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.
from my own point of view that would happen because I'm lonely and it would ease loneliness and i also need support that's why I would never enter into that kind of relationship( marriage ) it's too stressful .
 
from my own point of view that would happen because I'm lonely and it would ease loneliness and i also need support that's why I would never enter into that kind of relationship( marriage ) it's too stressful .

That is why it happened to me, because I was lonely. It was fatel, because each evening hubby was glued to his computer with headphones on and it was difficult to have a conversation and then, one time, this guy got in touch with me and complimented me and it started things going.

That was a good 8 year's ago now.
 
Frankly, I have to agree with AO1501. Your wife is using her Asperger's as a way to excuse what is a very typical scenario. If you're going to have any chance at all of dealing with it so it doesn't destroy your marriage, you have to be right upfront in letting her know that you're aware of what she's doing. You might want to think about marital counseling for both of you. But primarily, stop looking at this as an Aspie problem.
 
I have an non-aspie husband.

Quite frankly I’d see my arse if he started laying down the law about who I have conversations with.

Is your wife’s friend a fellow aspie?

Perhaps this is your insecurity to deal with?
Not by controlling your wife but by examining what it is about her happiness over talking to this other person that is worrying you so much.?

I can continue should you wish to hear it?

I feel the important thing is above though.
 
I think it's bad that she's using aspergers as an excuse. It has nothing to do with it. I've acted that way in the past and had issues with feelings etc but that was due to emotional immaturity and loneliness, not inherently due to me being autistic. Tbh I think that if something makes your partner uncomfortable, you shouldn't want to do it - to an extent. You have a valid reason to be uncomfortable by her contacting him so it's totally reasonable - you shouldn't be able to control who she speaks to outright but she shouldn't be breaking the boundaries of your relationship, either.

TL;DR - nothing to do with aspergers.
 
Have you considered that this relationship/friendship fullfills an aspect of your marriage that she wanted from you? That's missing. That feeling involved and close to someone, in friendship, is something she desires but is unable to achieve enough of within the marriage.

Asperger's aside, this may be a missing part of your relationship. That needs working on. If for example she came from a family that was continually moving from one personal drama to the next, as a matter of course, it might be something that's she desires, without even understanding why. Even exciting, when her life has become one of looking after children. This could possibly be her way of re-creating that previous life, and the roller-coaster of emotions, where she felt much more alive, and occupied with something other than making meals and doing laundry.

That's not to say that this ptsd inspired drama, won't make her eventually tire of it and want out of this situation eventually. From my perspective, it will wear thin eventually on both sides. And she'll move on perhaps to something else.

Yet, hurting you as she did, by telling that your relationship is not real, and that she pretended to care. Must be very hard on you, I admire your fortitude and caring in looking for answers. I would find that very hurtful and hard to justify. We often create situations in relationships without even understanding why, that emulate in some way our parents relationships, the situations we saw growing up. And then we try to fix them as adults, with the other person, as a stand-in for the mother or father who we saw making mistakes. We try to repair it all, in some way. But it's often unjustifiable, and while were in it, we can't see it. It's only later in reflection, that we sometimes see it for what it is.
 
Your wife is being selfish, and blaming it on Aspergers is just bad form.
Catching feelings for other people can happen to anyone, but I don’t think your wife’s way is the classiest way of dealing with it. She’s having an emotional affair and will continue to do so, fully knowing it’s hurting you.
You’re not crazy for being upset, hell, I’m upset for you.
 
Catching feelings for other people can happen to anyone, but I don’t think your wife’s way is the classiest way of dealing with it. She’s having an emotional affair and will continue to do so, fully knowing it’s hurting you.

Unfortunately this can happen in a relationship.
I've done it to boyfriends and boyfriends have done it to me.
That is probably the main reason I never married.
Either way it does hurt the one who was left in the dust of an emotional whirlwind.

I always felt if one finds feelings for someone else that are this fulfilling, then there must be something missing in the current relationship.
Reading your post, @Macrolio , my first feeling was could this new person that she feels so happy with be
another Aspie?
NT and Aspie relationships are usually difficult as understanding each other's ways aren't easy.
It can be like oil and water.
Two Aspies that find they have a lot of interests and easy to be together can bring on that obsession.
I know this is blunt, but most of us are known for that too.
And that could be her reason for saying that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in your relationship were just her way of acting out what she thought was the "right answer".
We do that all the time to try for acceptance.

Sorry, I know I am not gaining any points for finesse here, but, just writing what I feel.
I know it hurts to be told much of something was an act.
I've been told that. It hurts. And an act to achieve what? Love, friendship, or ???
I know I never liked to be told what to do either.
Not saying you do that, but, another reason I never
wanted that commitment of marriage.
Guess I just wasn't cut out for that.
I am sorry you are going through this, but, if you might gleen any ideas from the truths from my experiences, there it is.
 
Hmmm, although people may not automatically think it there is another potential victim here and that is the other man. I’m NT but I have been on the receiving end of an obsession from a person with Aspergers. The intensity of it nearly ruined my life as it infiltrated into every aspect of my life, progressing to following, monitoring behaviours.

Unpopular to say but nobody ever seems to consider the people on the receiving end of a full-on obsession. It can be devastating for them and I hope this man understands what he has potentially gotten in to.

Is it clear that he actually wants the attention, or is he just being kind. Does he understand why it is happening? If he is encouraging the behaviour and knows your wife has Aspergers it is possibly very irresponsible. How will she react when he inevitably wants to drop the relationship? Does he understand how potentially damaging that process can be for the person with the obsession? Does he understand that if they ever got together she could later refocus her obsession on another person and really hurt him too?

Trust me a lot of people are going to get hurt with this situation if he does not understand how to exit out of it. I’ve almost been there, spending months trying to not hurt and damage a person with Aspergers as we gently unhooked them from an obsession with me. It was tough. Very tough.

Sorry it’s a long post. It’s just my experience.
 
...Perhaps this is your insecurity to deal with?
Not by controlling your wife but by examining what it is about her happiness over talking to this other person that is worrying you so much....

Ok, let us turn the question around a bit, because what's being described here isn't simply 'communicating'.

Imagine that I'm an aspie, my wife an NT and we've been together 15 years. Then I begin to disappear regularly. I call her from work at 2.30 saying I'm leaving and going to the grocery store on the way home and does she want anything. That's nice and thoughtful of me, but when she gets home from work at 6.30, I'm still not there. I get in at about 7 or so, don't acknowledge that I'm even late. Then on Saturday mornings I go out at 7am, get back home at 1pm or so, and won't say where I've been. Then she begins to get calls from me on consecutive Thursdays that I'm 'on the road' and will be back on Sunday. I tell her I am visiting a friend I was at school with, and promise I'll call when I get there, but I don't. I withhold sex, refuse to discuss what is happening, say that because she asks where I am that she is interfering with my freedom, and then I tell her that I want to join a group that spends weeks at a time during holidays on the road 'traveling', without their partners. At the same time, I frequently take calls on my cellphone and dash outside each time for sometimes hours to talk with in private.

What would that look like to her? Am I OK to behave this way? Am I being fair to her, to the commitment I made entering a relationship with her, let alone getting married?

In a million years she would not be failing to respect my boundaries by wanting to know what is going on and where I'm going, because in a relationship, my boundaries include her be default. I am not a free spirit who can do what I want, I have signed on to a marriage of my own free will that gives me responsibilities and draws boundaries of its own. If I don't want to be in it any longer, and perhaps she is a lousy wife, so who could blame me, there are ways to go about it that are not sly, cheating, undermining, cheap, irresponsible. My actions place me in the wrong, and no amount of tautology can make that any different.

Relationships, particularly marriages, even more so when there are children, are not a matter of personal rights or choices, they are a question of collective responsibility.

Actually, the above really happened, except it wasn't me going missing and being secretive but my wife, and I was the one left home wondering. By the logic of the previous reply, if it's me then I'm being bad, but if it's her, it's OK and I am in breach of her right to 'communicate' if I want to know what's going on.
 
Your wife is being selfish, and blaming it on Aspergers is just bad form.
Catching feelings for other people can happen to anyone, but I don’t think your wife’s way is the classiest way of dealing with it. She’s having an emotional affair and will continue to do so, fully knowing it’s hurting you.
You’re not crazy for being upset, hell, I’m upset for you.

I'm the aspie. In this case, the aspie needs admit/internalize/realize/whatever that it's NOT okay to have an emotional affair with someone else. I made this choice and it allowed myself and my wife to go on and deal with other problems in my marriage. There will likely be more issues for you to deal with, unfortunately. She needs to be a willing participant in order to get through the issues, and placing blame (for anything, against anything/anyone) will not help.

So I guess there's 2 issues here then, the emotional affair, and the blaming.
 
No, the situation was difficult enough to understand as it was, let’s not turn it around. :)
(My brain can’t cope with it)

I am really sorry that your hurting and perhaps feel really disappointed.?

Surely you know what your way forward is?
Are you worth more than this?

She’ll work on the relationship with you if she wants to and not because she owes you anything or is forced to.

As the saying goes “it takes two to Tango” relationship breakdowns are rarely one sided.

If you’re asking me to say your wife is ‘bad’ because she’s Aspie, I won’t get involved in that. It’s my understanding Aspie’s are fiercely loyal?

I’ve never spoken with your wife about your relationship so I would be unable to confirm anything for you.

If I had to guess (which I am) a very recent diagnosis may mean she’s just found her wings.
Discovering who she is.
Perhaps it’s easier for her to flex her Aspie wings with someone who has no previous knowledge of who she was and therefore expectations of how she ought to behave?
Again this is all speculation and guess work based on a one sided account given by yourself.

I believe she has already told you how she feels.
My question to you is what are you going to do about it?

Perhaps staying in your current situation and frame of mind will be toxic to your system? Unhealthy for you?
Make a decision about how you’re going to move through this and get help (if you need it) to do it.

Again, I am sorry you’re hurting. Millions of men and women experience similar treatment from their partners everyday. They’re not all on the spectrum.
 
I apologize if this is long and unorganized.

My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with Asperger's last year.

A few months ago she started putting a lot of time and attention into her friends...well one friend specifically. I questioned her about it and she denied that there were any feelings there other than as friends. She was constantly texting him; first thing in the morning, throughout the day, she'd even step out of the shower to text him back, and while we were going to sleep. After a week or so of my noticing this I confronted her again and she admitted to having feelings for him. She wanted me to be her house husband and for him to be her boyfriend. After a lot of talking and discussion between us she told him that she can't love two people. After this I wasn't comfortable with her keeping in contact with him, but she wanted to continue being best friends with him. NOTE: I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them.

A few weeks go by of us trying to figure out our boundaries as far as he was concerned. I didn't like them talking frequently, and she would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. I was allowed to go through their texts and see what they were talking about, but she wasn't going to limit the amount of time that she spent talking to/hanging out with him.

About a month ago it finally came to her telling me that she is done pretending to have feelings that she doesn't have. That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. That it is my job to figure out how to be happy with her having Asperger's. And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer". I am no longer allowed to touch her phone. And the amount of time she spends with him and texting him has increased. She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. I want to believe that but I don't know whats going on anymore.

She told me the other day that she wishes we could separate, and basically just see each other once a week to spend time together. We have 3 kids and so that is why she "cant".

I know that she has Asperger's and that makes something difficult/ impossible for her. But it seems like part of this is just her using her Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things, or putting in her share of this relationship.

I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."

I am really trying to understand her, and trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that we can both be happy. I've been reading stuff, and looking at forums...basically anything I can find, but nothing has been helpful so far.

I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.

I’ll be straight forward:

1- Having Asperger’s doesn’t release her of blame, what happens is exactly the opposite (explanation in #2).

2- An emotional texting affair can be as strong, or even stronger, for an aspie woman than whatever happens in her real life, so it doesn’t matter at all if “nothing happened”.

Officially nothing happened, but unoficially it did. I know because I’ve been there, and sexting can be just as real as the real thing (for me, but I presume it’s the same for other female aspies). You get excited, you have orgasms! You fall in love! For an aspie that usually lives in her head it can be more real than reality.

In my defense, I did what I did AFTER my husband told me that he loathed me, so I never felt like cheating.He didn’t love me anymore, who was I cheating to?

Back to your case:
she
cheated
on you
big time
 
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And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer".

That's cold.

And yet, that's what we all do when we don't know what is "wrong" with us.

As Suzanne and others have suggested, it could just be that he does emotional labor for her. Would you be jealous if she had that level of interest in one of her female friends?

Of course, he might just be reeling her in so he can use her… but let's not get too cynical.

She must have felt understood by you at some point, right? Otherwise, why marry you? So maybe that's it. He understands her. Can be quite addictive.
 
2- An emotional texting affair can be as strong, or even stronger, for an aspie woman than whatever happens in her real life, so it doesn’t matter at all if “nothing happened”.

Officially nothing happened, but unoficially it did. I know because I’ve been there, and sexting can be just as real as the real thing (for me, but I presume it’s the same for other female aspies). You get excited, you have orgasms! You fall in love! For an aspie that usually lives in her head it can be more real than reality.

Being an Aspie woman this explanation is very accurate and I've been there also.
It so explains the way we are because we live in our heads.
I've never been married and as I stated in my post,
this is one of the reasons why. I want that freedom of not feeling I have to answer to someone.

But, just because we live in our heads and can get swept away with an emotional affair doesn't make it any different to a physical affair.
So I agree with Sabrina that she has cheated even if there was no physical affair.
 
Wow, thank you guys for your responses. I'm really grateful that you all took the time to respond to my plea for help.

@AO1501

Its not that I find her behaviour acceptable, but that I have presented it to her, and she doesn’t care.


@Suzanne

This isn’t the first time that it has happened, but it is the first time that things went as far as they have. Previous time she didn’t develop feelings for the other person.



@Lia

She is not polyamorous...at least not practicing...She mentions occasionally that she wishes she could have a girlfriend. I don't know how serious she is about that though.


@Catana
We have had many upfront conversations about it. But she doesn’t think that my feelings should have to factor into her decision making. I have suggested marital counseling, but she refuses.


@Gracey
My wife’s friend is not an aspie. They’ve talked about it.


In a sense it is partly my insecurity, as I am worried that she will replace me. And its not so much that I want to control my wife, but that I feel like the degree of friendship that she has with him is past what I deem appropriate. What bothers me isn't that talking to him makes her happy, but that its the only thing that makes her happy. She is pushing me further away, and starting to exclude me from parts of her life...currently I only know what she does when I am around. She doesn’t like to talk about everything else. If I ask about it them I’m being nosy.


@Mia
Her friendship with this guy does fulfill something, but its not something that is missing from our marriage, or something that I am failing to do. She has told me explicitly that she doesn’t want me to fulfill this role, and that she wont let me.


@Bolletje
I do consider it an emotional affair, and I have told her that explicitly. She says that she doesn’t consider it one.

Thanks for the sympathy. :)

@Hoova
I consider the other guy a “willing victim”. The other guy is a handful of years older than my wife.


It is very clear that he wants the attention. He has told her that he loves her, and that she is amazing, and wonderful. He knows that she is married, ive met him a few times.


He is supposedly going to be deployed in october. I think he is full of crap...there are so many holes in his stories I wont even get into them. Lets just say that either he isn’t in the millitary or its not as strict as I’ve been told.


I don’t know that he understands all of those things, but he does understand some of them

@AO1501
I feel like this is kind of similar to your situation. I don't feel like she will take it as far as to disappear for days. But the overall attitude seems very similar.

@Gracey
Maybe your guess is spot on. I guess my question about that is: how do you deal with a relationship where the other person finds themselves and the entire relationship warps because they aren't who you originally married?






I don't want to get a divorce. I want my kids to have both parents in the same home. I just don't know where I can justifiably expect change on her part. Are there things about this situation that wont change, and cant change because she's an aspie? I can deal with things that I can know, and understand.

Any ideas on how I could get her to open up emotionally. Or get her to consider compromises?
 

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