I apologize if this is long and unorganized.
My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with Asperger's last year.
A few months ago she started putting a lot of time and attention into her friends...well one friend specifically. I questioned her about it and she denied that there were any feelings there other than as friends. She was constantly texting him; first thing in the morning, throughout the day, she'd even step out of the shower to text him back, and while we were going to sleep. After a week or so of my noticing this I confronted her again and she admitted to having feelings for him. She wanted me to be her house husband and for him to be her boyfriend. After a lot of talking and discussion between us she told him that she can't love two people. After this I wasn't comfortable with her keeping in contact with him, but she wanted to continue being best friends with him. NOTE: I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them.
A few weeks go by of us trying to figure out our boundaries as far as he was concerned. I didn't like them talking frequently, and she would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. I was allowed to go through their texts and see what they were talking about, but she wasn't going to limit the amount of time that she spent talking to/hanging out with him.
About a month ago it finally came to her telling me that she is done pretending to have feelings that she doesn't have. That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. That it is my job to figure out how to be happy with her having Asperger's. And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer". I am no longer allowed to touch her phone. And the amount of time she spends with him and texting him has increased. She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. I want to believe that but I don't know whats going on anymore.
She told me the other day that she wishes we could separate, and basically just see each other once a week to spend time together. We have 3 kids and so that is why she "cant".
I know that she has Asperger's and that makes something difficult/ impossible for her. But it seems like part of this is just her using her Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things, or putting in her share of this relationship.
I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."
I am really trying to understand her, and trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that we can both be happy. I've been reading stuff, and looking at forums...basically anything I can find, but nothing has been helpful so far.
I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.
My wife of 5 years was diagnosed with Asperger's last year.
A few months ago she started putting a lot of time and attention into her friends...well one friend specifically. I questioned her about it and she denied that there were any feelings there other than as friends. She was constantly texting him; first thing in the morning, throughout the day, she'd even step out of the shower to text him back, and while we were going to sleep. After a week or so of my noticing this I confronted her again and she admitted to having feelings for him. She wanted me to be her house husband and for him to be her boyfriend. After a lot of talking and discussion between us she told him that she can't love two people. After this I wasn't comfortable with her keeping in contact with him, but she wanted to continue being best friends with him. NOTE: I am like 99% sure that nothing physical happened between them.
A few weeks go by of us trying to figure out our boundaries as far as he was concerned. I didn't like them talking frequently, and she would be depressed if she didn't get enough time with him. I was allowed to go through their texts and see what they were talking about, but she wasn't going to limit the amount of time that she spent talking to/hanging out with him.
About a month ago it finally came to her telling me that she is done pretending to have feelings that she doesn't have. That she doesn't care that talking to him bothers me, it makes her happy and so she is going to do it. That it is my job to figure out how to be happy with her having Asperger's. And that basically all of the emotions that she had displayed previously in our relationship were just her acting out what she thought was the "right answer". I am no longer allowed to touch her phone. And the amount of time she spends with him and texting him has increased. She says that she doesn't have any feelings for him. I want to believe that but I don't know whats going on anymore.
She told me the other day that she wishes we could separate, and basically just see each other once a week to spend time together. We have 3 kids and so that is why she "cant".
I know that she has Asperger's and that makes something difficult/ impossible for her. But it seems like part of this is just her using her Asperger's as an excuse to get out of doing things, or putting in her share of this relationship.
I have tried talking to her about it. We have spent many hours trying to figure this out, but it always turns into a situation where she just says something along the lines of "I have Asperger's and I can't help it. I'm not going to change. I'm not responsible for your happiness. Figure it out."
I am really trying to understand her, and trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that we can both be happy. I've been reading stuff, and looking at forums...basically anything I can find, but nothing has been helpful so far.
I guess what I'm looking for is for help understanding her. And also validation that I'm not crazy for feeling the way I do.