NT extremely confused with how her ASD ex-fiancé is treating her!

[BiancaLags]

Hi all, so I am new to this thread but I need some help so a little background.
My fiancé ended is 6 weeks ago after being together for a year. We got engaged after 3 months (I became his special interest and he fell for me HARD). Apparently before he met me he was AGAINST marriage but when he met me he was all for it hense why he proposed. He comes from a family of 4 (with no extended family) I come from a family of 5 with a big Italian extended family. We had only had about 3 arguments in the relationship, I was fine with staying home And not doing much as he didn’t like leaving the house. I’d say as a NT and an ASD that we weren’t 100% compatible but we were really close. He was very sexual and I told him that he needs to make me want to be intimate with affection or going out on SOME date nights (I didn’t realise that having ASD was affecting him showing affection as I have now learnt). His got ADHD/clinical depression/auto immune disease aswel as ASD also. I always gave him space, was never super needy, didn’t annoy him to go out a whole lot so I definitely wasn’t overbearing. We didn’t see each other for 3 weeks (well we saw each other once in 3 weeks) and on Easter Sunday he was like I’m done. No explanation other then he realised he actually didn’t want to get married (his stance was he didn’t want to get married in general before he met me) and I’m fine with that, I wasn’t fussed on getting married either and was happy to call the wedding off, “different personalities (even though we were quite similar), different tastes in music etc and he was very logical about it, he had no emotions involved what’s so ever and just ghosted me and for the first 2 weeks always extremely “cruel” in the sense he just completely ignored me, gave me no other explanation, wouldn’t communicate with me NOTHING. after those 2 weeks he started saying (I gave him the choice to just not talk at all and not even be friends), he started saying - we don’t know what could happen in the future, we could always get back together, I’m seeing you in a different light, I don’t want to make not seeing you a permanent thing. So we see each other every week when I visit the fur babies at his house, we are intimate with each other, we have good conversation - it’s pretty much like we are in a relationship but without the title. I bring it up gently with him as emotional
Conversation can shut him down and I get answers here and there. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me/anyone else but wants to go day by day with me because things could change and his not one to look ahead in the future but to go day by day. He doesn’t want to hurt me because he does still care about me and my feelings and I said okay that’s fine as Long as ur honest with me then I can do the day by day thing because I do love him and am hoping if we do it this way then he might realise that yes we are good
Together (I also know it could go the other direction). I told him if it were to happen again the prospect of marriage would be out the window, it would be a brand new relationship without much change happening eg talk about future because I know change is a big part of what freaked him out.
Can I get anyone’s opinion as to whether I should just cut off all contact or would there be any hope in reconciliation continuing what we are doing?
Thanks so much!!!!

 

[Matthias]

Hi all, so I am new to this thread but I need some help so a little background.
My fiancé ended is 6 weeks ago after being together for a year. We got engaged after 3 months (I became his special interest and he fell for me HARD). Apparently before he met me he was AGAINST marriage but when he met me he was all for it hense why he proposed. He comes from a family of 4 (with no extended family) I come from a family of 5 with a big Italian extended family. We had only had about 3 arguments in the relationship, I was fine with staying home And not doing much as he didn’t like leaving the house. I’d say as a NT and an ASD that we weren’t 100% compatible but we were really close. He was very sexual and I told him that he needs to make me want to be intimate with affection or going out on SOME date nights (I didn’t realise that having ASD was affecting him showing affection as I have now learnt). His got ADHD/clinical depression/auto immune disease aswel as ASD also. I always gave him space, was never super needy, didn’t annoy him to go out a whole lot so I definitely wasn’t overbearing. We didn’t see each other for 3 weeks (well we saw each other once in 3 weeks) and on Easter Sunday he was like I’m done. No explanation other then he realised he actually didn’t want to get married (his stance was he didn’t want to get married in general before he met me) and I’m fine with that, I wasn’t fussed on getting married either and was happy to call the wedding off, “different personalities (even though we were quite similar), different tastes in music etc and he was very logical about it, he had no emotions involved what’s so ever and just ghosted me and for the first 2 weeks always extremely “cruel” in the sense he just completely ignored me, gave me no other explanation, wouldn’t communicate with me NOTHING. after those 2 weeks he started saying (I gave him the choice to just not talk at all and not even be friends), he started saying - we don’t know what could happen in the future, we could always get back together, I’m seeing you in a different light, I don’t want to make not seeing you a permanent thing. So we see each other every week when I visit the fur babies at his house, we are intimate with each other, we have good conversation - it’s pretty much like we are in a relationship but without the title. I bring it up gently with him as emotional
Conversation can shut him down and I get answers here and there. He says he doesn’t know if he wants to be with me/anyone else but wants to go day by day with me because things could change and his not one to look ahead in the future but to go day by day. He doesn’t want to hurt me because he does still care about me and my feelings and I said okay that’s fine as Long as ur honest with me then I can do the day by day thing because I do love him and am hoping if we do it this way then he might realise that yes we are good
Together (I also know it could go the other direction). I told him if it were to happen again the prospect of marriage would be out the window, it would be a brand new relationship without much change happening eg talk about future because I know change is a big part of what freaked him out.
Can I get anyone’s opinion as to whether I should just cut off all contact or would there be any hope in reconciliation continuing what we are doing?
Thanks so much!!!!

Marriage is a big commitment that can cause overwhelming anxiety for someone who is autistic. That's probably why he called off your marriage and couldn't talk to you for 2 weeks. I often shut down and needed to avoid people for a period of time because I couldn't function due to severe anxiety. People often thought I didn't have emotions but the reality was I suppressed my emotions because they overwhelmed me and I didn't know how to deal with them.

My advice for you, since you say he has clinical depression, would be to get him a copy of the book "feeling good" by Dr. Burns. It's the #1 doctor recommended self-help cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) book for treating depression. The information on CBT and the exercises for depression can be used to treat anxiety, help with other emotions, and make it easier to deal with interpersonal problems. The following video is a 6 minute introduction to CBT (the 7 additional videos in the series and the book I recommended helped me greatly and I'm sure would help him too):

His inability to deal with emotions is a common problem in autism and unless he gets help for it, you're going to have major problems having a long-term relationship with him.

 

[BiancaLags]

Marriage is a big commitment that can cause overwhelming anxiety for someone who is autistic. That's probably why he called off your marriage and couldn't talk to you for 2 weeks. I often shut down and needed to avoid people for a period of time because I couldn't function due to severe anxiety. People often thought I didn't have emotions but the reality was I suppressed my emotions because they overwhelmed me and I didn't know how to deal with them.

My advice for you, since you say he has clinical depression, would be to get him a copy of the book "feeling good" by Dr. Burns. It's the #1 doctor recommended self-help cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) book for treating depression. The information on CBT and the exercises for depression can be used to treat anxiety, help with other emotions, and make it easier to deal with interpersonal problems. The following video is a 6 minute introduction to CBT (the 7 additional videos in the series and the book I recommended helped me greatly and I'm sure would help him too):

His inability to deal with emotions is a common problem in autism and unless he gets help for it, you're going to have major problems having a long-term relationship with him.

NewHi there! thanks so much for the book suggestion I will look into getting it! About 5 year’s ago he went of his meds and all these emotions started overcoming him (as they would with CD) so he went to therapy and they taught him how to suppress his emotions and something clicked on him where it’s near impossibly to show emotions towards things now (he didn’t cry or show any emotion when his father passed away). He showed his emotions towards me in the relationship, he used to always say he loves me, would initiate intimacy, do little random gestures for me but actually speaking about emotions his like a dear in headlights so if it happens in small doses then it’s bearable for him. People say I’m crazy for wanting to try and fix us but it’s like yes it’s a hard situation dating someone with ASD but it’s also worth it because we did have some very good fun times. It’s just trying to figure out if I should bother continuing with the signs his giving me!

 

[Kalinychta]

It really just comes down to whether or not you want to be in a "relationship without the title"--that is, without the commitment, fidelity, trust, etc. The fact that you joined an autism forum to ask about your situation shows that you probably aren't okay with it. Usually when men do what he's doing it's because they want to reap the benefits of a relationship (sex, companionship, and whatnot) without having to take any responsibility or give anything back. And he's certainly doing this with you. So, if you're okay playing by his rules and waiting around for him to decide whether or not to keep you or dispose of you, then stay. If not, then go. It's as simple as that.

 

[BiancaLags]

It really just comes down to whether or not you want to be in a "relationship without the title"--that is, without the commitment, fidelity, trust, etc. The fact that you joined an autism forum to ask about your situation shows that you probably aren't okay with it. Usually when men do what he's doing it's because they want to reap the benefits of a relationship (sex, companionship, and whatnot) without having to take any responsibility or give anything back. And he's certainly doing this with you. So, if you're okay playing by his rules and waiting around for him to decide whether or not to keep you or dispose of you, then stay. If not, then go. It's as simple as that.

Hi there,
Thanks so much for that reply, that’s a bit of an eye opener! I was taking it as maybe he just wants to go day by day to yes see if he does want a relationship again as opposed to reaping the benefits sort’ve thing because he just doesn’t know. His fine to just hang out and chill and not be intimate and to talk and catch up and just take it day by day

 

[Matthias]

NewHi there! thanks so much for the book suggestion I will look into getting it! About 5 year’s ago he went of his meds and all these emotions started overcoming him (as they would with CD) so he went to therapy and they taught him how to suppress his emotions and something clicked on him where it’s near impossibly to show emotions towards things now (he didn’t cry or show any emotion when his father passed away). He showed his emotions towards me in the relationship, he used to always say he loves me, would initiate intimacy, do little random gestures for me but actually speaking about emotions his like a dear in headlights so if it happens in small doses then it’s bearable for him. People say I’m crazy for wanting to try and fix us but it’s like yes it’s a hard situation dating someone with ASD but it’s also worth it because we did have some very good fun times. It’s just trying to figure out if I should bother continuing with the signs his giving me!

There are different types of talk therapy and some of them aren't very effective. Suppressing emotions is a bad idea because it leads to people avoiding their problems which makes them worse long-term. It also causes internal stress which creates more problems by altering how their brain works.

CBT is the most effective therapy for depression and anxiety. It works quickly (a study found that 70% of people who read that book were no longer depressed after 4 weeks and remained free of depression 3 years later). It's based on the idea that our thoughts cause our emotions which then affects our behavior. It treats emotional problems by helping people change the way they think. Many autistic people are depressed and have anxiety because they misinterpret things and misunderstand situations. Correcting those misunderstandings helped me understand and get along with people much better. I also recovered from life-long depression and anxiety in less than 4 weeks and haven't suffered from clinical depression or had much anxiety since I used CBT more than a year ago.

My advice would be to wait and see how he responds if you buy him the book or suggest he get it. You may notice a big improvement in just a few weeks which would be a good sign your relationship could work.

 

[Kalinychta]

Hi there,
Thanks so much for that reply, that’s a bit of an eye opener! I was taking it as maybe he just wants to go day by day to yes see if he does want a relationship again as opposed to reaping the benefits sort’ve thing because he just doesn’t know. His fine to just hang out and chill and not be intimate and to talk and catch up and just take it day by day

I think you should decide how long you want to wait and then tell him you're walking after that. I mean, in a year or a few months if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, how are you going to feel? Just don't make yourself vulnerable or let yourself be used.

 

[BiancaLags]

I think you should decide how long you want to wait and then tell him you're walking after that. I mean, in a year or a few months if he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you, how are you going to feel? Just don't make yourself vulnerable or let yourself be used.

Hey, yes I was going to give myself a time limit (he doesn’t do well with timelines) so if I work on my timeline and see nothing changing after a few months then I can walk away knowing I tried everything in my power to make it work but his just not ready/willing I guess!

 

[BiancaLags]

There are different types of talk therapy and some of them aren't very effective. Suppressing emotions is a bad idea because it leads to people avoiding their problems which makes them worse long-term. It also causes internal stress which creates more problems by altering how their brain works.

CBT is the most effective therapy for depression and anxiety. It works quickly (a study found that 70% of people who read that book were no longer depressed after 4 weeks and remained free of depression 3 years later). It's based on the idea that our thoughts cause our emotions which then affects our behavior. It treats emotional problems by helping people change the way they think. Many autistic people are depressed and have anxiety because they misinterpret things and misunderstand situations. Correcting those misunderstandings helped me understand and get along with people much better. I also recovered from life-long depression and anxiety in less than 4 weeks and haven't suffered from clinical depression or had much anxiety since I used CBT more than a year ago.

My advice would be to wait and see how he responds if you buy him the book or suggest he get it. You may notice a big improvement in just a few weeks which would be a good sign your relationship could work.

I just brought the book so hopefully he will be open to reading it (I doubt it very much because his quite stubborn) .... I’ve also booked a therapy session for Myself with an Aspergers psychologist to help me understand ASD a bit more and why his doing what his doing!

 

[Giraffes]

Hi he is who he is and yes you can use you time, energy and risk anxiety and your mental wellbeing by trying to understand and ‘fix’ him a great book is ‘troubleshooting relationships on the Autistic Spectrum’ which approaches things with the logical and ‘non feeling’ attitude and accept his ‘emotional unavailable’ and his ability to define your relationship on his wants and needs,
Sorry if this sounds negative and harsh I have just ended a five year relationship under similar circumstances, we both have Autism so these issues aren’t exclusively a N/T N/D format. Do what’s right for YOU,

 

[BiancaLags]

Hi he is who he is and yes you can use you time, energy and risk anxiety and your mental wellbeing by trying to understand and ‘fix’ him a great book is ‘troubleshooting relationships on the Autistic Spectrum’ which approaches things with the logical and ‘non feeling’ attitude and accept his ‘emotional unavailable’ and his ability to define your relationship on his wants and needs,
Sorry if this sounds negative and harsh I have just ended a five year relationship under similar circumstances, we both have Autism so these issues aren’t exclusively a N/T N/D format. Do what’s right for YOU,

Hi there, no that’s quite alright!
It’s more so his made this big decision based on “logic” but he doesn’t want to make not seeing me a permanent thing etc (What I states above) so I need to figure out if I just go day to day with him to see where it can lead or just cut it off cold turkey now sort of thing! I feel like his also “scared” in a way to commit again because he might think it will be exactly how it was?

 

[Matthias]

I just brought the book so hopefully he will be open to reading it (I doubt it very much because his quite stubborn) .... I’ve also booked a therapy session for Myself with an Aspergers psychologist to help me understand ASD a bit more and why his doing what his doing!

When I was really depressed, I started asking people for advice. When someone recommended CBT, I got angry and shouted at him until he left the room. The reason I was always very sensitive to criticism was because I misinterpreted it as a personal attack. After using CBT, I am no longer bothered by criticism because I now understand people are judging my actions and not me as a person.

The videos I posted would help you see how some autistic people think. To give you an example, one of the cognitive distortions some people with autism have is black and white thinking. I used to put everyone into two categories - normal and weird. I saw myself as weird and compared myself to "normal" people which made me feel inferior and ashamed. When "normal" people criticized me, my belief that I was different and inferior caused me to think they were being arrogant and condescending, looking down at me because I was different which also made me think of most people as intolerant because they refused to accept me for who I am and treat me as an equal. After CBT, I realized it's irrational to put everyone into two rigid categories. I now see myself as a human being with problems, weaknesses, and quirks just like everyone else and know that when people point them out it's not a big deal since everyone has them and they're not attacking or judging me as a person because of it. My depression was due to a low self-esteem because I wrongly believed I was inferior and my anxiety was due to thinking everyone was judging me which also felt worse because of my low self-esteem.

People used to think I was stubborn. In reality, I rejected advice people gave me because it didn't make any sense to me. It didn't make sense because I suffered from cognitive distortions that caused me to misunderstand what people meant and I had no idea I was misunderstanding them. I think other autistic people appear stubborn for the same reason.

 

[menander]

It may have had zero to do with you. He may have been on "passing mode" and just could not handle it anymore.

Probably he will always care for you and think of you, but passing is too hard.

 

[Aspychata]

It may have had zero to do with you. He may have been on "passing mode" and just could not handle it anymore.

Probably he will always care for you and think of you, but passing is too hard.

I agree. Often times it isn't you. My ex was stand offish. He didn't like marriage and all that. Then l met a sweetheart afterwards, he doesn't feel comfortable with commitment. I understand, he has a lot reasons why that have nothing to do with me. But l still enjoyed meeting him. I think he will miss me more when l am no longer in his state. Sometimes people don't realise how much magic was there until you are gone. Which apparently has happened for me. The first relationship l had, they miss my companionship. I guess l am not a bad person. Lol

 

[Aspychata]

The part of your post l relate to was l couldn't talk to the sweetheart about relationships or even how long we have been together. We talked first for almost 2 years before we met. It was pretty sweet. Then when we met, it was a nuclear explosion for me. I am totally charmed and blown away. He is his humble self but a beautiful soul. I accidentally proposed twice to him. Think men on the spectrum have a tough time with all the questions about marriage and commitment. For you l really hope that it works out. You two may still get married. But maybe later. I think it's great that he considered carefully and decided it wasn't the right time. It's a very big decision.

 

[BiancaLags]

It may have had zero to do with you. He may have been on "passing mode" and just could not handle it anymore.

Probably he will always care for you and think of you, but passing is too hard.

Hi there!

sorry what is “passing mode”??

 

[BiancaLags]

I agree. Often times it isn't you. My ex was stand offish. He didn't like marriage and all that. Then l met a sweetheart afterwards, he doesn't feel comfortable with commitment. I understand, he has a lot reasons why that have nothing to do with me. But l still enjoyed meeting him. I think he will miss me more when l am no longer in his state. Sometimes people don't realise how much magic was there until you are gone. Which apparently has happened for me. The first relationship l had, they miss my companionship. I guess l am not a bad person. Lol

Oh wow that’s actually quite interesting!! I am giving myself a time limit of when I will walk away but I don’t think he will feel that way eg miss me etc as his the type to just cut off contact with anyone and not feel anything? I think that’s what I’m worried about!

 

[BiancaLags]

The part of your post l relate to was l couldn't talk to the sweetheart about relationships or even how long we have been together. We talked first for almost 2 years before we met. It was pretty sweet. Then when we met, it was a nuclear explosion for me. I am totally charmed and blown away. He is his humble self but a beautiful soul. I accidentally proposed twice to him. Think men on the spectrum have a tough time with all the questions about marriage and commitment. For you l really hope that it works out. You two may still get married. But maybe later. I think it's great that he considered carefully and decided it wasn't the right time. It's a very big decision.

I can’t be mad at him for pulling the plug on marriage, it’s totally okay I don’t resent him. I just wish he didn’t pull the relationship aswell but I’m seeing him again today and we still talk frequently so maybe we will get back together but it will be hard work to get there as his logical thinking is a problem when it comes to getting back together!!!

 

[menander]

Hi there!

sorry what is “passing mode”??

Oh! Sorry-----it means passing as Neurotypical. It can be used for any demographic where people try to pass as a minority. It takes a great deal of energy to study and see how to act. It's not on purpose. It's not being deceitful. Everyone wants to be "normal."

Often, we really think we are getting it! We might make a new friend! But what we don't get at first is that for us, it's so much work. It's grinding and grinding but the benefit outweighs the risk------up to a point.

It can collapse slowly or overnight. We can't tell because we think we are doing it! And then...........it's all over............We ae who we are.

A lot of people think, "But I accept you as you are!" It is not about that. It is about that maybe the person needs to be alone in order to not have chaos in the head. Plain and simple. It's not complicated . But it can see soooooo complicated!

Does this make sense?

 

[BiancaLags]

Oh! Sorry-----it means passing as Neurotypical. It can be used for any demographic where people try to pass as a minority. It takes a great deal of energy to study and see how to act. It's not on purpose. It's not being deceitful. Everyone wants to be "normal."

Often, we really think we are getting it! We might make a new friend! But what we don't get at first is that for us, it's so much work. It's grinding and grinding but the benefit outweighs the risk------up to a point.

It can collapse slowly or overnight. We can't tell because we think we are doing it! And then...........it's all over............We ae who we are.

A lot of people think, "But I accept you as you are!" It is not about that. It is about that maybe the person needs to be alone in order to not have chaos in the head. Plain and simple. It's not complicated . But it can see soooooo complicated!

Does this make sense?

Yeap that makes sense! His studying uni atm aswell so that’s causing him a lot of internal stress! It’s just interesting that his being like I see you in a different light, we could end up getting back together, he doesn’t want to make not seeing me permanently so I’m just giving him the space he needs to figure it out and going day by day with him as he suggested! Granted I’m prepared for if his like nope I can’t do it but I guess it’s a risk I’m willing to take for someone I love!!