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NT confused about boyfriend: Aspergers, OCD, narcissism or something else?

Snowflake

Member
Hello everyone :)

I've been in a relationship for 1 1/2 years with my boyfriend. I have observed the following behaviors:

- He is incredibly clean and well organized.
- He writes detailed lists.
- He plans very carefully.
- He over thinks.
- He has lied to me at times.

We recently had some conflict and he asked for a communication break. He has a stressful situation in his life, which could explain his withdrawal or he's breaking up with me.

Thank you,
Snowflake
 
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Hi Snowflake,

People are psychologically complex, some more than others.

I am an Aspie, but each Aspie has degrees of experiencing the various common Aspie traits.

Add to this other physiological and physical behaviors and conditions and you have someone more than just an Aspie.

Society and environmental conditions can push us to act and be select ways too.

I say the above because it appears your boyfriend may have a combination of items promoting his behavior. Aspergers may or may not be one, I'm not sure grom what I've read and thought so far.

Fom what you list your boyfriend may have a combination of compulsory behavior with something promoting unrealistic perfectionism. I day unrealistic in the case he would rather be Severely late that learn to be balanced and find ways to not be late.

As you know we all need to manage ourselves but some have a tougher time than others. And it takes real earnest determination to deal with our "problems". This last item is hard on many, such as smokers.

Others should chime in with more insight.
 
From what you've written, he doesn't come across as a narcassist. They tend to be more malicious/ abusive, in their behaviour. It sounds more like he may simply be having communication issues, and trouble trying to adjust to being in the relationship.

It's possible he may have AS and OCD, but further investigation might be needed. It's not uncommon for there to be misunderstandings, between AS/NT relationships, so if he does in fact have AS, then you may want to investigate these issues a bit more. It's hard to say what his motives are, but it's possible he may have realised there are issues within the relationship, which aren't being addressed, or resolved, or perhaps he may simply need space, so that he can work out these issues he's having. Aspies tend to need much alone time, so it's possible he simply needs time to himself too. How much time is needed, varies, from Aspie to Aspie.

Regarding having lots of female friends, some Aspies simply get along better with one gender, over the other. Some male Aspies only have female friends, and some female Aspies only have male friends. Whether these are merely friendships, for him, I can only speculate.

I've a added a few links below, which you may want to explore. I hope you are able to find the answers you need.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

AS/NT Relationships (I haven't read this yet, but it seems to be what you may be looking for): Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy | AspiesCentral.com

Tony Attwood (world renown expert): Home

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome
 
We recently had some conflict. Since then, I haven't seen him in 3 1/2 weeks and I haven't talked to him in nearly 3 weeks. Just over 2 weeks ago he asked for a communication break, saying he needed to take it easy on himself. He has texted me a few times since then.

Ahhhh yes! I understand your agony. If you two have been communicating listen to what he is saying. Taking it for face value. Give him some space and time. I understand that can be tough if you're the type of person that needs to be around someone often.

Ask yourself:
A.) Am I primarily concerned if he's okay?
or
B.) Am I more concerned about our relationship?

...
If the answer is A. give him some time to cool off. Give him as long as he needs without hassling him because that can delay things as well.

If the answer is B. Please let him know how this behaviour can make you feel, because he may do it in the future and if you do not feel comfortable with this, then its time to reconsider.


Overall if he is a wonderful man and you like him, you can choose to overlook his habits. His habits are not who he is as a person.
 
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Thank you for your reply. I appreciate the insight and the links you attached. I will take a look at them. I have two motivations for trying to figure out what's going on. Firstly, I want to be supportive of him. He is very good to me and worth it. Secondly, I am conflicted about whether this is just a relationship break-up or not. He does need a lot of alone time, something that's been contentious between us because I personalized it. This time I am trying not to do that but then again, he's usually kept in a lot more contact than he has this time, which makes me wondering if he's just trying to fade completely out of my life...

Thanks again :)

From what you've written, he doesn't come across as a narcassist. They tend to be more malicious/ abusive, in their behaviour. It sounds more like he may simply be having communication issues, and trouble trying to adjust to being in the relationship.

It's possible he may have AS and OCD, but further investigation might be needed. It's not uncommon for there to be misunderstandings, between AS/NT relationships, so if he does in fact have AS, then you may want to investigate these issues a bit more. It's hard to say what his motives are, but it's possible he may have realised there are issues within the relationship, which aren't being addressed, or resolved, or perhaps he may simply need space, so that he can work out these issues he's having. Aspies tend to need much alone time, so it's possible he simply needs time to himself too. How much time is needed, varies, from Aspie to Aspie.

Regarding having lots of female friends, some Aspies simply get along better with one gender, over the other. Some male Aspies only have female friends, and some female Aspies only have male friends. Whether these are merely friendships, for him, I can only speculate.

I've a added a few links below, which you may want to explore. I hope you are able to find the answers you need.

Resources: Autism & Asperger's Resources | AspiesCentral.com

AS/NT Relationships (I haven't read this yet, but it seems to be what you may be looking for): Connecting With Your Asperger Partner: Negotiating the Maze of Intimacy | AspiesCentral.com

Tony Attwood (world renown expert): Home

Different Together: Different Together Community For Partners of People Affected by Asperger Syndrome
 
Thank you for your reply and your helpful question. My answer is dependent on what his need for space is about. If it's because he has stresses in his own life and lacks capacity to respond to me then A. He is very good to me and I want to be supportive of him. Otherwise, it's B because then that behavior is unacceptable if he's just off dating other women or something like that.

As I wrote above, he does need alone time but usually calls me and sends loving texts. This time, no calls and no mention of love in his few texts. So, maybe he is breaking up this time around... I just don't want to assume that if he's struggling with things in his life.

Thanks :)

Ahhhh yes! I understand your agony. If you two have been communicating listen to what he is saying. Taking it for face value. Give him some space and time. I understand that can be tough if you're the type of person that needs to be around someone often.

Ask yourself:
A.) Am I primarily concerned if he's if okay?
or
B.) Am I more concerned about our relationship?

...
If the answer is A. give him some time to cool off. Give him as long as he need without hassling him because that can delay things as well.

If the answer is B. Please let him know how this behaviour can make you feel, because he may do it in the future and if you do not feel comfortable with this, then its time to reconsider.


Overall if he is a wonderful man and you like him, you can choose to overlook his habits. His habits are not who he is as a person.
 
Hi :)

Thank you for your reply. I agree that he likely has several factors that shape his behavior. I am looking for answers and I'm not even sure he knows. He has mentioned having OCD a few times but then retracted that statement and won't talk about it. It could be OCD with other factors. I'm not sure he's been 'officially' diagnosed, that may be a self-diagnosis because his compulsive behaviors and perfectionism are obviously atypical, which he likely realizes.

Thanks again :)

Hi Snowflake,

People are psychologically complex, some more than others.

I am an Aspie, but each Aspie has degrees of experiencing the various common Aspie traits.

Add to this other physiological and physical behaviors and conditions and you have someone more than just an Aspie.

Society and environmental conditions can push us to act and be select ways too.

I say the above because it appears your boyfriend may have a combination of items promoting his behavior. Aspergers may or may not be one, I'm not sure grom what I've read and thought so far.

Fom what you list your boyfriend may have a combination of compulsory behavior with something promoting unrealistic perfectionism. I day unrealistic in the case he would rather be Severely late that learn to be balanced and find ways to not be late.

As you know we all need to manage ourselves but some have a tougher time than others. And it takes real earnest determination to deal with our "problems". This last item is hard on many, such as smokers.

Others should chime in with more insight.
 
He is a social extrovert and people love him but he doesn't seem to get close to anyone except for a few close female friends, who basically seem to be possible suitors for him, and who don't know about me...

I'm NT. What is written above I wouldn't stand for in the least with any guy I was dating. I have no secrets of who my friends are and he better not either - especially if they are the opposite sex. BIG RED FLAG.

I've caught him lying about a few things... (not cheating though). At other times, he can be surprisingly honest. And can blurt out very honest but unkind things at times. He can also be secretive about his life.

Regarding the above quote, I don't go for any lying, I don't care what it is in reference to. That would be a deal breaker.

A third thing that is a minor annoyance which would have to be addressed is the being late thing. Maybe a few minutes late, but 2 days? I used to have this problem when I was really stressed that right before I had to be at work I just kept brushing my hair over and over to the point that I could barely tear myself from the bathroom and was almost late to work. I don't do it now, but I think it was related to stress because I would brush my hair until it was actually falling out. Might have been a touch of OCD too. Anyway, one can't be late to work and being late for a trip for 2 days just would have to be addressed at some point. I know you wondered about him doing a low paying job when he is so smart, but I don't think he could take the stress of an actual job - his routine takes up too much of his time and pretty much takes up any energy of what a stressful job would.
 
I would say there is definitely some OCD in there the way he is obsessed with order. The only other thing I could guess he could have is schizoid personality disorder, he reminds me of one of my cousins. Maybe he'll be ready to rekindle the relationship in a few days?
 
Thank you for replying. I agree that these are red flags. It didn't start this way. He was very serious about me initially and very devoted. He has become increasingly less committed to our relationship as my 'faults' have emerged. I am not perfect it seems!

Thank you for your honest perspective :)

I'm NT. What is written above I wouldn't stand for in the least with any guy I was dating. I have no secrets of who my friends are and he better not either - especially if they are the opposite sex. BIG RED FLAG.



Regarding the above quote, I don't go for any lying, I don't care what it is in reference to. That would be a deal breaker.

A third thing that is a minor annoyance which would have to be addressed is the being late thing. Maybe a few minutes late, but 2 days? I used to have this problem when I was really stressed that right before I had to be at work I just kept brushing my hair over and over to the point that I could barely tear myself from the bathroom and was almost late to work. I don't do it now, but I think it was related to stress because I would brush my hair until it was actually falling out. Might have been a touch of OCD too. Anyway, one can't be late to work and being late for a trip for 2 days just would have to be addressed at some point. I know you wondered about him doing a low paying job when he is so smart, but I don't think he could take the stress of an actual job - his routine takes up too much of his time and pretty much takes up any energy of what a stressful job would.
 
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Thank you for your reply. I looked up that personality disorder. Not sure if that fits him though. I recall him telling me know that he was diagnosed with OCD! I think there's something else going on as well though, which is not unusual it seems.

As for rekindling the relationship, it's been over 3 weeks now. I did hope so but as time goes by...

I would say there is definitely some OCD in there the way he is obsessed with order. The only other thing I could guess he could have is schizoid personality disorder, he reminds me of one of my cousins. Maybe he'll be ready to rekindle the relationship in a few days?
 
Yes, most of the OCD issues look pretty familiar. I live a lot of that. Except I seem to manage stress differently. If his OCD is comorbid to having ASD, maybe his "plate is full" right now. That perhaps relationship issues had to be put on a back burner for the timed being. Maybe to avoid a meltdown or shutdown.
 
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Thank you for replying. I agree that these are red flags. It didn't start this way. He was very serious about me initially and very devoted. He has become increasingly less committed to our relationship as my 'faults' have emerged. I am not perfect it seems! He acknowledges he can be highly critical and acknowledged that his last relationship ended because of his unrealistic expectations about her behavior (basically). I now see him doing the same with me, which also may be why he's been keeping his options more open (with other women) recently and now potentially withdrawing from our relationship (if his withdrawal is not purely stress related).

Thank you for your honest perspective :)

Your faults? He has faults running out of his (you fill in the blank). If he's done this before, then he's following the same pattern and no woman is going to make him happy. I'd get away from him ASAP before he causes you a lot of heartbreak and makes you feel bad about yourself. As far as I can see, he's the one with the problems - he sure couldn't even come close to passing MY expectation list (he'd have to be a little less "perfect"). :rolleyes:
 
I know that's such a simple question to ask... I haven't asked because he may be on the fence and I don't want to push him into a decision (given he asked for a 'break').

I appreciate the insight from this board. What a wonderful community you have all created :). Thank you.

Did you ask if he's breaking up with you?
 
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I know that's such a simple question to ask... I haven't asked because he may be on the fence and I don't want to push him into a decision (given he asked for a 'break'). Also, I haven't asked because his actual request was - "I just need a break in communication" which is not actually asking for a relationship break, so then it may seem like I am just making it all about me if I ask him that question (if that's not what's going on at all). He has been very supportive of me when I've needed him, which is in different ways to the kind of support he needs - understanding about his need for space at times.

However, tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since we last talked on the phone. I haven't had any contact from him at all in 4 days now - I messaged him on Saturday, saying hello and sending love. He replied but I haven't heard from him since. And it's the holidays starting today... <insert a sometimes sad face> (I feel blessed but there's sadness in me right now, too.)

I appreciate the insight from this board. What a wonderful community you have all created :). Thank you.

I'm late to this party, but I know that for myself, if I'm avoiding asking a question, it's because I'm afraid I don't know how I'll respond to an answer--or that I already know the answer and I'm avoiding confirmation because I don't know how I'll respond.

How do you define "love?" Is it about how you feel internally or is it about how your experience of it opens your world?

Having raised that point, let me cite a definition popular at marriages, but which is not limited to marriage:

Love is patient and kind. Love envies no one, is never boastful, never conceited,
never rude; love is never selfish, never quick to take offense. Love keeps no score of wrongs,
takes no pleasure in the shortcomings of others, but delights in the truth. There is nothing
love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, its hope, its endurance. Love will never come
to an end. --biblical book of Corinthians chapter 13 verses 4-8.

It doesn't mean that to love makes you a doormat, nor that love is the same as sentimentality.
I can say that I love my husband, I love my son, I love the friends I have, and while it is not the same love, it is all love, and moreover I am loved back by the same definitions that I love. I don't love my friends as I love my husband, for example.

Greetings in the season, and may peace come upon you in truth and with truth.
 

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