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nothing I can do

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Pats, Apr 1, 2020.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It hurts to see your child hurting, whatever age they happen to be. And I know that sometimes doing the right things is the hardest thing.

    When my oldest son was 18, he had gotten in trouble and, naturally, I paid the bond to get him out of jail. No matter how much I tried to explain to him that the rules he was under by the court and bondsman (like not leaving the state) was due to HIS actions, no one elses. He was at that cocky age, though, and refused - he was going to spring break with his girlfriend (now wife) no matter what. I told him and warned him, and finally, after letting him know my intent I called and had my name taken off the bond. The police picked him back up. He didn't speak to me for five years, until he had his first son. As he grew up he said it was the best thing I could have done and actually taught him something. It was a nightmare for me and it hurt over and over but I did what I felt I had to do. He had to learn to take responsibility for his own actions and sometimes it has to be the hard way. His dad would always buy his way out of trouble, but that doesn't work.

    Yesterday I had to watch as he went through basically the same thing. He has told his 3 boys over and over how serious he is about the 'stay at home order'. Not just me and their other grandma, but he has to use an inhaler sometimes and my daughter in law had a lung collapse once due to her asthma. He's worried about his wife. But the boys, 18, 20, and 21 are at that cocky age that they know everything and they are immune to everything. They all broke quarantine to be with friends and girlfriends. He said they would need to camp outside (they camp all the time and the weather is nice, so really no big deal) for 5 nights of being symptom free and they could still work for him at $15 an hour, but doing much needed yard work and not riding in the truck with him to work. They have no idea how good they've had it - he still buys their food, pays them for working with him, helps them get vehicles, takes them on trips, gives them a free place to live. But their attitudes: refuse to not see girlfriends and friends, refuse to camp outside and refuse to work here. One of my grandsons actually said he's a carpenter, not a yard worker. The youngest, with his raging hormones, said he'll spend the rest of the time at his girlfriends. I did step in to make one point so they might see the seriousness, and I told them that their other grandma just spent nearly a year going through hell with chemo, surgery, radiation and still immunocompromised but she did it because she wanted to fight to live, she did not want to die and when they sit with a loved one (as I did with my mom) watching them gasp for oxygen and not be able to get it, then they might realize what's important here. (By the way, this all took place outside with distancing).

    Well, they all left in anger. My daughter in law backed her husband and I know how hard it was and is for her and I know my son is hurting. Not able to hug goodbye, just a family temporarily split. I sat here most of yesterday just staring into space. I'm at a loss, as I know my son and daughter in law are, too.
     
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  2. Mindf'Elle'ness

    Mindf'Elle'ness Peace and passion for ALL

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    Would it help if I told you that humans' brains don't stop developing until we're around 24 or so? I did my best but I was stupid too at that age.
    This Coronavirus thing is sometimes bringing out the worst in people, but if your family has a good foundation of having fun together and enjoying each other's company, I'm thinking everyone will come back together and a little wiser.
     
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  3. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe it was a good lesson, Pats. And, it might even be for the best as far as their independence and responsibilities. I've been on my own for a long time, since the age of sixteen (and I think you have been too). It taught me self reliance and responsibility for myself, for my actions. There were times when I didn't feel that anyone cared about me.
    But I eventually realized that some of them did, deeply.

    It's a hard thing to experience, that kind of rift, I hope that they show up eventually. They may not apologize at that age when they think they are invulnerable to everything. But they haven't really lived a real independent life yet, which will help them to understand.
     
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  4. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I'm trying hard to take it all to heart. To just hunker down because my country is pleading for me to do so. No more trips to forage for provisions, no more excuses to just get out of the house.

    Maybe members of Pats family will eventually come to such a conclusion on their own. All of the few people in my social orbit are all separated. Where the only way to keep contact is either the Internet or the telephone, for the duration. However long that may be.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Maybe also, this was bubbling up anyway. The ages they are, and their struggles towards independence at that age, and needing to find out what it's like out in the world for themselves. This issue's just made it come out in the open, and that's pretty normal, really, the covid issues aside.

    They'll be ok, and their parents will be safer, and if your son and daughter in law can keep calm and see that, probably it will all be water under the bridge soon. Your son must be rethinking his behaviour at that age now I guess! But we often see the other side of things long after we would have most benefitted don't we. And his children will too. Sounds like they've all got somewhere to go, and I think it's healthy to get out of home at their age, if possible, for everyone.
     
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  6. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Pats- sounds like you did a excellent job raising your son. Now he understands the struggle and he is applying these lessons to his children. And you live through it all once again which is stressful.
    My daughter was stuborn but she also seem to be blessed with common sense so the battles were few, actually l can't remember any. Lol
     
    Last edited: Apr 1, 2020
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  7. Wolf Prince

    Wolf Prince My future job title.

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    That lesson hammers home eventually. Better you do it then life. Your merciful at least. Life often isnt.
     
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  8. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    What l love is when kids turn around and say l will never be like you mom with my kids, then they learn to eat those words. Haha
     
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  9. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Actually as a grandparent we pay back quietly - for the first few years I always got my grandsons LOUD toys. That is until my son figured it out and started sending those toys back to my house. lol
    But, yes, almost guaranteed it'll happen, and I can tell a couple of my kids are definitely going to have their hands full.
     
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