Problem is, I like him, and yet I feel like I don't want to date him not because of him, but because I feel like having a boyfriend would trap me. I would suddenly have obligations and a commitment.
I can understand how you feel about the possibility of feeling "trapped". It's a condition I avoid in pretty much every area of my life, and if I sense that I am, I thrash and panic like hell inside and it feels awful.
But here's the thing: One of the functions of dating when you're a teenager is to learn responsibility, cooperation, judgment and self-restraint that will help prepare you for adult life. You don't have to date to acquire those skills, but it's one of the more fun and potentially rewarding ways of doing it.
And dating doesn't have to entail being cornered or overly committed. There are all levels of dating relationships and you are free to choose for yourself which ones are comfortable (even none at all) at any given stage of your life. Spending time together doesn't have to be super-consistent. In fact, it rarely is. People have other obligations, different moods, and other things they want to do. Part of dating is learning how to negotiate that. It's usually not that hard to work out. You just have to be honest, willing to understand, and willing to compromise sometimes.
You've mentioned a couple of different fears in your post. Just try to keep in mind that a lot of things look scary from the outside, but are a pleasant surprise once you actually get into them. Also remember that all of this is just in your head right now. There is no actual, real-time decision point yet, right? You can drive yourself
nuts speculating about "could".
Even if I just tried it out, I can't figure out my own emotions so I wouldn't know if I would be happy or not. I wouldn't know if I'm "in love" or if I feel something when we hold hands. Does anyone have experience with this or have any advice? I'm really freaking out about this because I don't know if I want to be single and free my whole life or start a family someday... Please help.
Whoa whoa whoa! You're speculating ahead of real-time conditions again!
You have a loooong time before you have to think about marriage and family. You don't even have to worry about
love right now. Like others have said here, dating is experimenting. It's a learning process that starts with small steps in a general direction, that's all. You're not hopping into a barrel that's going to hurtle straight over a waterfall.
I had a very hard time understanding my feelings at your age, too. Being an Aspie didn't help, but everybody goes through some degree of confusion about emotions in adolescence and young adulthood. It's the period when you begin to learn about who you really are as an individual -- I'm sure you've heard this. Who's a master of anything at the very beginning? It's by trying out situations where different kinds of emotions can happen that we learn to sort out what they are, and what they mean. Just start with this one: Am I
enjoying this? Then go from there. It really can be that simple, to start with. After a while you can study the feelings that come to you naturally in more depth. It will happen on its own, most likely.
And also I don't want to ever get in a "temporary" relationship on purpose. Why date if you both know it's going to end in a break-up? The way I see it, there's only two options at a certain point: Break up, or get married. They're both so drastic I get freaked out!
If you learn one thing here, learn this: You can never know if
any relationship will only be temporary, even friendships or relationships with family. It's best to assume that all of them could be, because you can never really know. I get the idea that not knowing what will happen is a big sticking point for you; wanting to feel like you have control. The reality is that you can't ever control or predict the future completely. So whaddaya do? You live in the "now" and make choices based on how that's going. This is more true of relationships with other people than in any other aspect of your life. But it takes a lot of practice. Again, you can start with the simple question, "Am I enjoying this?" and work from there. You'll get the hang of it.
Why date if you both know it's going to end in a breakup? Well, if you feel you have good, realistic reasons to "know" something won't work, then don't date that person to begin with. Dating isn't just about emotions. There's a lot of thinking involved, too. If you feel you're not great with emotions, you still have cognition to back you up and help you make choices.
Breakups don't have to be drastic, by the way. I split with my first husband very amicably, and we're still friends. We just decided we weren't really right for each other. My boyfriend before him is still one of my very
best friends of all time. One pretty sure-fire way to reduce the potential for drastic endings by 50% is not to behave drastically yourself.
Yeah, I do have a couple of exes I'd rather never see again, because I feel things ended badly. But you know, the learning I did in those relationships was worth the trouble. People who never go through "stuff" are pretty one-dimensional.
People learn and grow by being open to
doing, Juliet. You're not going to evolve on this without action, at some point. Maybe not now -- but know that
discussing it will never be enough to make you feel totally comfortable, just better informed.
