• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Not sure how to be a good Mum to a girl with aspie..

aspie-momtogirl

New Member
Hi all,


I have a 12 year old daughter with ADD. She is not diagnosed with aspie but I am pretty sure she has a "milder" aspie diagnosis, but she isn't willing to be diagnosed.
Not sure what to do.. I want to help her, but she doesnt want to go to the specialists..
Maybe I just need to go talk to someone there myself? So that I can be of help to her, and maybe change her mind..?
 

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
I have an ADHD diagnosis and I'm waiting for an Autism assessment. But I'm pretty much certain I'm somewhere along the spectrum.

There's plenty of articles and books out there regarding the neurodiversity, ADD and the spectrum. It's good to build up your knowledge of the disability which will aid in understanding, patience and support for your daughter.

If she doesn't want to see a specialist, I think forcing the issue could be counterproductive. Also, ABA (my assumption of what specialist might mean) has a bit of a problematic approach in terms of promoting masking, attempting to reduce behaviours that are natural to someone on the spectrum.

Later in life there might be an increase in social struggles, and keeping up with the expectations of teen and adult life. Problems like self-care, keeping her room tidy, getting overwhelmed at certain social events, or crowded environments, struggling to pay attention in lessons or when doing tasks that don't spark her interest.

Nurture her "special interests" and help her to see that these disabilities hold many merits, and allow us to think, process and live our lives on a different wavelength to others. It comes with struggles and pitfalls, but these can all be researched from articles and books, and will allow you to better understand and handle things such as meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout and possible co-morbidities such as anxiety, depression, dietary issues etc.

I'll share this too. I've watched this many a time and it made me tearful the first time I saw it, as he's a specialist in ADHD and he describes it in such an accessible way. It's nice and fundamental to be understood in life, both understanding ourselves, as well as those closest to us understanding who we are:


All the best,

Ed
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
ASD isn't treatable in the sense that ADHD/ADD sometimes is. There's no Adderall for it.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help, but I suggest you do two things very soon:

* Learn some traits and behaviors that are reasonably reliable indicators or contra-indicators for ASD1
* Consider your objectives very carefully. The best things you can do for someone in the spectrum may not be medical (or pseudo-scientific ) interventions

And please ask about ABA (@Raggamuffin mentions it above).
Thankfully I've never been subjected to any behavioral therapy, so I won't try to describe it.

To repeat my input (and please take it seriously):
ASD isn't treatable in a medical sense. An Aspie can absolutely be helped to live the life they want, and/or to improve the life they have - but there isn't really an organized system / treatment protocol for it.

IMO getting real support from Neurotypicals would help more than any medical approach that I've ever heard of.
Assuming your daughter is an Aspie, that would mostly involve your helping when asked with social protocols (there are a huge number, and most Aspies don't learn them all), and learning to speak some Aspie.

NB: Aspie isn't a different language of course, but we are different: there's a lot for a neurotypical to learn ... and vice-versa of course.
 

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Long term stimulant use for ADD isn't good for the body though. I tried the medication myself and couldn't get past the side effects. I had quite common ones, but I'm very sensitive to medication side effects:

Dizziness.
Dry mouth.
Dried out sinuses - to the point where it hurt to breath.
Reduced appetite.
Headaches.
Repeat ear infections.

In terms of the actual effect of the medication though - it did help remarkably with focus. Unfortunately, the side effects meant that concentration was hampered. So in the end I decided to continue living without it.

Coffee is often a go to for people with ADHD, especially in adulthood and jobs where focus is required. A cup of coffee can really help with focus and attention for a period of time.

Ed
 

aspie-momtogirl

New Member
I have an ADHD diagnosis and I'm waiting for an Autism assessment. But I'm pretty much certain I'm somewhere along the spectrum.

There's plenty of articles and books out there regarding the neurodiversity, ADD and the spectrum. It's good to build up your knowledge of the disability which will aid in understanding, patience and support for your daughter.

If she doesn't want to see a specialist, I think forcing the issue could be counterproductive. Also, ABA (my assumption of what specialist might mean) has a bit of a problematic approach in terms of promoting masking, attempting to reduce behaviours that are natural to someone on the spectrum.

Later in life there might be an increase in social struggles, and keeping up with the expectations of teen and adult life. Problems like self-care, keeping her room tidy, getting overwhelmed at certain social events, or crowded environments, struggling to pay attention in lessons or when doing tasks that don't spark her interest.

Nurture her "special interests" and help her to see that these disabilities hold many merits, and allow us to think, process and live our lives on a different wavelength to others. It comes with struggles and pitfalls, but these can all be researched from articles and books, and will allow you to better understand and handle things such as meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout and possible co-morbidities such as anxiety, depression, dietary issues etc.

I'll share this too. I've watched this many a time and it made me tearful the first time I saw it, as he's a specialist in ADHD and he describes it in such an accessible way. It's nice and fundamental to be understood in life, both understanding ourselves, as well as those closest to us understanding who we are:


All the best,

Ed
Thank you so much, I will build up my knowledge and do my research. <3
 

aspie-momtogirl

New Member
ASD isn't treatable in the sense that ADHD/ADD sometimes is. There's no Adderall for it.

That doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help, but I suggest you do two things very soon:

* Learn some traits and behaviors that are reasonably reliable indicators or contra-indicators for ASD1
* Consider your objectives very carefully. The best things you can do for someone in the spectrum may not be medical (or pseudo-scientific ) interventions

And please ask about ABA (@Raggamuffin mentions it above).
Thankfully I've never been subjected to any behavioral therapy, so I won't try to describe it.

To repeat my input (and please take it seriously):
ASD isn't treatable in a medical sense. An Aspie can absolutely be helped to live the life they want, and/or to improve the life they have - but there isn't really an organized system / treatment protocol for it.

IMO getting real support from Neurotypicals would help more than any medical approach that I've ever heard of.
Assuming your daughter is an Aspie, that would mostly involve your helping when asked with social protocols (there are a huge number, and most Aspies don't learn them all), and learning to speak some Aspie.

NB: Aspie isn't a different language of course, but we are different: there's a lot for a neurotypical to learn ... and vice-versa of course.
Thank you. Yes, I would rather she can cope without medication. Love her personality, and I will ask about ABA.
 

Foobaroo

New Member
I have a 12 year old daughter with ADD. She is not diagnosed with aspie but I am pretty sure she has a "milder" aspie diagnosis, but she isn't willing to be diagnosed.

Which symptoms have you observed specifically? And does your daughter agree that she exhibits those symptoms and/or share your belief that she might be autistic? (I'm aware that might be a little difficult to assess at that age, but I'm just asking for a little bit more context.)

Either way, being an aspie boy who's grown up with a diagnosis, I guess it wouldn't hurt to offer my two cents on this issue. While there may be certain gender-related issues that my experience doesn't cover (girls compete with each other on a social level in a very different way than boys, so any input from an aspie girl would be welcome, I suppose), I still think there are many parallels that apply regardless of gender.

I think the most important is the concept of a “special interest”, which Raggamuffin has already pointed out:

Nurture her "special interests" and help her to see that these disabilities hold many merits, and allow us to think, process and live our lives on a different wavelength to others. It comes with struggles and pitfalls, but these can all be researched from articles and books, and will allow you to better understand and handle things such as meltdowns, shutdowns, burnout and possible co-morbidities such as anxiety, depression, dietary issues etc.

What's important to understand is that aspies typically have special interests that they typically become very knowledgeable about, while oftentimes underperforming in other aspects. This can turn school life into living hell. I had found myself completely underwhelmed by the subjects that I found interesting (to the point where I had aced exams without studying) while being extremely overwhelmed by those I did not (to the point where no amount of studying was sufficient to make me feel like I wasn't falling behind). The result is that I spent 99 % of my studying time and mental energy on subjects that I ended up underperforming in anyway, which made me feel like all my effort has ultimately amounted to nothing.

Finding a way to allow her to improve in the aspects she excels at, or at least drawing attention to the fact that she's doing well might help her self-esteem.

Additionally, if she is struggling in school, maybe that could be brought forward as an argument to get her diagnosed? In my case, the diagnosis allowed me to receive a disadvantage compensation (I was allowed to work on exams a little longer and I was allowed to write the exams on a laptop), which helped me greatly.

Other than that, I'm not sure how much advice I could give at that age. My parents have done some absolutely horrible mistakes as I have grown older, but I don't think any of those are relevant at this point.
 
Last edited:

Raggamuffin

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Thank you. Yes, I would rather she can cope without medication. Love her personality, and I will ask about ABA.

I'd recommend researching pros and cons of ABA before deciding to proceed. As there's a lot on the spectrum who had such therapy, and there's been many instances where the patients found it traumatic, even to the point of causing PTSD.

Ed
 

Hypnalis

Well-Known Member
@aspie-momtogirl

Since I'm still here, adding for clarity: I wasn't trying to be positive about ABA.

My personal position on that kind of thing is extremely negative. But I'm safe from it, so I've had no need to research it seriously. It doesn't seem right to take a firm position without enough information.
 

Crossbreed

Neur-D Missionary ☝️
V.I.P Member
ABA might help some severe co-morbid conditions* (on top of autism), but for autism, itself, it is like forcing a left-hander to adopt right-handedness.

*Potty-training my ASD3 daughter comes to mind.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
The only thing that I could think of is obtaining guidance for specific issues and being able to communicate with your daughter honestly and without judgement.

I grew up at a time when autism was rarely diagnosed and ended up socially isolated when I actually desired interaction and a relationship with girls/women. I was so fearful of rejection that I was socially avoidant. During those years I never spoke about that to anybody close to me. What may have helped me is social guidance that would have helped me solve the issues of my isolation. Now, in the decades since I overcame that, I have learned to take advantage of what my neurology has let me accomplish.

That is why I recommend only any therapy targeting those things your daughter wishes to improve on yet allows her to learn about her neurology and accommodate to it. It should be guidance for you both.
 

Atrapa Almas

70% INTJ + 30% ASPIE = 100% HUMAN
V.I.P Member
You have been given very good advice, in this forum there is a section of books that have been reviewed. Last one is this:


You and your daugther could read it and maybe share your thougths with each other.

I dont know if you are neuro-typical yourself, if your daugther is on the "milder" part of the spectrum, you have pretty good chances to be there too. Many adults with very "functional/good masking" autism discover it after their childs are diagnosed.

The most important thing I can think as an advice is to listen to her, to respect her, to let her guide her life. Support her, but dont lead. Be there for her, but dont force her into what you could see as the "solution" to the "problem".

If you happen to read this forum for some time you will discover soon that most autist posting here have more problem with their families than with autism itself. So please dont do that mistake.

Family relations are really important for autists, we struggle to make friends so the difference from a supporting family to a family who is not supporting is very big.

If you are there to love your daugther as she is, you have done 75% of all you could do for her.
 

Aspychata

Serenity waves, beachy vibes
V.I.P Member
My daughter had a lot of special interests which l was able to fuel, because she was homeschooled. She also needed a lot of alone time in her teen years. I don't think a label would benefit her. She likes to live life on her terms. I never told her what to do. I had expectations of school being completed to the best of her ability. I picked my battles very carefully. The only battle l had, was you need to have a driver license. Now she is in a university and working and will graduate in the following spring. She has been in a long-term relationship also.

Guess l am asking is can treat you treat your daughter with respect and dignity, bring her choices, explain consequences, and ask if she understands. Labeling isn't a great thing, because sometimes we live our lives in our room of labels instead of venturing outside. She is so lucky to have you, a great mother, who came to this forum to understand her better. :)
 
Last edited:

Bolletje

Overly complicated potato
V.I.P Member
As a former Aspie girl (still Aspie, but woman now): I think the most important thing is to let your daughter know you love her, and help her flourish as the person that she is, rather than trying to have her fit in a neurotypical mold. I’m not at all saying that’s what you’re doing, just speaking from own experience on what I wish my parents would have done.
 

Gerald Wilgus

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
My daughter had a lot of special interests which l was able to fuel, because she was homeschooled. She also needed a lot of alone time in her teen years. I don't think a label would benefit her. She likes to live life on her terms. I never told her what to do. I had expectations of school being completed to the best of her ability. I picked my battles very carefully. The only battle l had, was you need to have a driver license. Now she is in a university and working and will graduate in the following spring. She has been in a long-term relationship also.

Guess l am asking can treat you treat your daughter with respect and dignity, bring her choices, explain consequences, and ask if she understands. Labeling isn't a great thing, because sometimes we live our lives in our room of labels instead of venturing outside. She is so lucky to have you, a great mother, who came to this forum to understand her better. :)
You must be proud to have raised such a daughter, between you and @Yeshuasdaughter your daughters appear to be making their own way in the world very nicely.
 

Ronald Zeeman

Well-Known Member
V.I.P Member
Don't make the mistake of seeing her condition as being a problem that requires fixing. being different is just that being different, my mother was left-handed they tried getting her to become right-handed when she was younger, dumb mistake now looking back. she is not a hypothetical person who can be second guessed, how her life will turn out. I personally do not trust experts who think they have the latest theory on how we should be.
 

KingDiamond

New Member
Hi all,


I have a 12 year old daughter with ADD. She is not diagnosed with aspie but I am pretty sure she has a "milder" aspie diagnosis, but she isn't willing to be diagnosed.
Not sure what to do.. I want to help her, but she doesnt want to go to the specialists..
Maybe I just need to go talk to someone there myself? So that I can be of help to her, and maybe change her mind..?
You have to put your foot down. Your child is twelve years old, not eighteen. The boss is you in this situation. You could also bribe her to do something she loves, tell her that you cherish her very much and want to find out because you won't live forever, and regardless of the outcome, you will love her unconditionally.
 

Rodafina

Hopefully Human
V.I.P Member
Hello and welcome – I’m happy that you have gotten such amazing advice above and it looks like you are in a position to really take it in. Your daughter will benefit from the care and concern you have if you continue to seek understanding and carry on learning with her through life.

I want to help her, but she doesnt want to go to the specialists..
This makes a lot of sense. Going to see a mental health provider is stressful and there are a lot of unknowns in addition to other elements that could be particularly challenging for someone on the spectrum. Even now, at 41, I have a terrible time getting myself to see a specialist even when I know and I have historical proof that it is the right thing to do.

It is commonly very scary for a child to engage in mental health services without knowing and understanding either the process or the intentions of it. I would say respect your daughter‘s apprehension of the unknown and seeing the specialists… Seeing them yourself is a fantastic idea… Even taking your child’s medications to feel the effects has been suggested, and in my opinion I think this is important, too.

“Specialist” is a wide open term – like some have alluded to, if you’re considering ABA, many here would tell you to halt immediately (including myself).

A therapist or counselor may be able to help her understand her world, manage her emotions, and find outlets for communication.

Someone more focused on diagnosis could offer important information and valuable resources for the future, but all the figurative poking and prodding of an assessment can be grueling even though it is meant to be presented as fun for a child.

Everything is a process in the mental health field and takes so much time… Not to mention that your daughter is 12 and her mind is rapidly developing right now. So, a specialist may be important, but proceed with caution and oversight… In the United States mental health services are hugely varied and the services available often are not a good fit for people on the spectrum. Anything you can do to get your daughter with providers who are on the spectrum themselves would be ideal, but I don’t really know how one does that. Probably people on this forum know.

I would reiterate and support what others said here about the relationship between you and your daughter being paramount here. Even well-intentioned parents can make life and relationships more difficult for us. Reading here on the forum about this topic might be a really valuable way to grow your relationship with your daughter in a way that will be meaningful over time. She’s going to need you, it’s a confusing world out there for us!
 

New Threads

Top Bottom