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Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by Pats, Sep 26, 2020.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My NT daughter in law is always showing me pictures or telling me about trips and stuff of people I don't know. Because she knows how much I love the western U.S. she tells me about anyone she knows that is talking about or has taken a trip out there, will share their pictures with me and keep me posted. I'm afraid if I tell her that I really don't care I'm not sure if it'd come off rude so I just smile and let her go on. But I really, really, really don't care to hear about strangers and what they are doing. I don't care what other people are doing. No, I don't feel excitement for them like she does. She gets excited over people she don't know getting to do something fun. Why? I don't care to see pictures that some stranger has taken when I might have that same picture that I took. I'm not begrudging anyone for getting to do things they love, but does it excite me? No. I'm not the least bit interested. It actually drives me crazy because I know she is genuinely excited, even if she's only met the person once and in that meeting they've told her they are going to Utah next month. Is it that she's excited about having something in common? Why does she think I would be interested? Because I have that in common, too? I don't get it. Who's the weird one here?

    I love my daughter in law and we both know how different we both are. :) Most things she does that I think is weird she knows I think it's weird and we laugh about it and visa versa.
     
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  2. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I think you're both weird. Just joking. Seems like a typical neurotypical / autistic stand off. It's a bit poignant too that she's trying so hard to please you with these pictures when you have no interest at all. Maybe you could tell her so many pics are overwhelming could she just send you one she thinks is really great? Then it's easy to quickly delete...
     
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  3. Stella Nordica

    Stella Nordica Member

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    Sounds like some of the discussions I have with my parents! Especially when they come back from holidays, full of excitement, and forget that I've never been to that place. And then they go into details. Why can't they just say something in general, and if I'm truly interested in the subject/the place/the anecdote, I'll happily ask questions.

    Or my late grandmother. There's something I should do and I feel a little bit unsure about how to deal with one particular part of the procedure. So I would ask her after that one in a specific (at least in my opinion) way. She would then have started in the whole beginning of ... why we need it? what it would do in general a.s.o. before finally coming to the point I wanted to know.
    Really got me furious. At some point, I asked her to stop and just, please, answer my question.
    "But I don't know how much you know about it."
    Haven't I asked you a specific question? Why not answer that one? If there were still open questions, I'd dig deeper.

    Oh well - that's become longish. Sorry, but I was triggered! :grinning:
     
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  4. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Yeah, that sounds awful. I'll pray for you!
     
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  5. menander

    menander Well-Known Member

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    That is where body language matters. Looking over her shoulder, feigning distraction, not answering, blatantly saying, "Uh-oh, I need to call (....) or check on (....).... Or even "I am tired---maybe later?" The famous ,"Maybe later...." I have learned means never. I used to think it really meant later, but it really means NEVER.
     
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  6. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member

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    Point taken, Pats. I suppose in the era of Facebook that we're all supposed to be vicariously interested in everyone else's business.

    I'm not either. My bad. Sue me. :rolleyes:

    Seriously though, I don't see how you can effectively convey such sentiments without arousing their ire. Though sometimes I do wonder if the less communicative we appear, the harder NTs try to get us to "open up". Even when it's not necessary. Hmmmm.
     
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  7. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    To enjoy things that other people do vicariously is an extremely valuable ability to have. I think it can be learned but I cannot prove it. I've gotten better at it over the years which is really useful since age takes the ability to do those things yourself way from you.

    Feeling Happy for Others Can Help You Feel Happy
     
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  8. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    good article and I agree with it - but it concerns people you know, not strangers. Am I supposed to feel excited about a stranger doing something fun? When my daughter in law and son get to go, I'm excited for them as if I were going myself. I love when one of my children gets to experience something great.

    I think @Judge got it with the facebook comment. It'd actually be like me sharing pictures to all my friends of someone else's vacation. And my daughter in law is sitting next to me on her facebook page showing me pictures of people I don't know - their trips, their dogs (ok the dog's cute, but...) their kids, their wedding (gag) or whatever she thinks is interesting or exciting.
     
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  9. Mia

    Mia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I remember a scene from Little House on the Prairie, where Caroline Ingalls meets a lady who is visiting from a city. The visitor talks about all the places she's travelled to and Caroline becomes quiet and goes outside.

    She say's aloud to her husband (I'm paraphrasing here); "Why would I want to hear about her travels?" I'll never go to see those places, she's a braggart. I don't understand, am I supposed to be impressed or jealous?"

    Some people are impressed by those who travel all over. Probably because they want to try those things themselves. Or they think of those people as more worldly or sophisticated than themselves. I know people who have travelled quite a bit, some were interesting and some were tedious to be around. And the last thing you wanted to do was see all the pictures they took, it used to be slides before that, and they would invite you to a slideshow or to see the super 8 films they took. And talk about what they saw and did. Sometimes there were hundreds of slides or pictures or there was film or video.
     
    Last edited: Sep 27, 2020
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  10. Mary Terry

    Mary Terry Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    And this is why I have never had a Facebook account. :rolleyes:
     
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  11. Au Naturel

    Au Naturel Au Naturel

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    If your daughter is bubbling over with enthusiasm, I suspect she wants to share something she considers good with you. Or at least something she hopes you'll find interesting. Feel happy that she is happy and that she wants to share. If it gets monotonous explain to her gently it would be more fun working on your own (or her) next adventure than looking at someone else's.
     
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  12. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    I totally agree - small talk is a lot like that for me. I have and aunt and uncle that I sometimes visited with my mum, and all they did was look at old photos and talk about these old lost relatives that I never knew, never met... how am I supposed to take an interest in a person I never knew or even met? Booooring! I just switch off such conversations.
     
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  13. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It was always that way at family gatherings.
    Talk about people I've never met, don't know, who had the latest surgery, someone had a baby,
    dear great auntie Grace died last year, etc. etc.
    I had no participation on people I never knew.

    And yes, someone would always get out a family album and start showing old photos.
    Everyone seemed so interested.
    Some of the really old pics, like from a hundred years ago were interesting just for the fact
    they were so old I could be interested in the photography, how they dressed and looked back then.
     
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  14. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I get so bored when females ( because chaps do not do it that much, if at all), when they show pictures of their families. In truth, I fake interest, because I do not want to affend, but when a deviation comes along, I soon can turn away and mentally sigh a relief.

    Unless someone was to ask me to show them pictures, I would not dream of forcing pictures viewing on anyone lol
     
    Last edited: Sep 28, 2020
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  15. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I am quite interested in my family history, my grandma had a photo album I have now and my dad had annotated some on the back, but I can see some are incorrect, he had dementia so got muddled.

    I've always been interested in stories about the way things were in the past, and there's a lot of detail in family memories. Plus it helps contextualise who I am, and how my parents were, etc.
     
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  16. Streetwise

    Streetwise very cautious contributor V.I.P Member

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    Firstly don't tell her you will find it gets harder if you do, secondly we have to accept that people are different she is emotion based, she picked up on your emotions, just smile and nod ,nod and smile
     
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  17. Ylva

    Ylva Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The NT special interest: bonding!

    But not like, talking about bonding. Actually bonding. Like that's a way to create a real connection. As if in Beauty and the Beast they were to tell Belle that she has to love the Beast. She would never be able to force herself to break the spell.

    If you can divert your dil by seguing into some related topic that both of you are interested in, maybe you can stop living this lie. :sweatsmile:

    My sister in law is the same way. She probably doesn't even realize how artificial her interactions are. Hope yours is not like that.
     
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  18. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I also enjoy my family history. But I wouldn't someone else's. :)
     
  19. WeirdoGuy

    WeirdoGuy Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    The only time I'm interested in someone else's trip is when it's a place I'd like to visit in the future. Looking at pictures and hearing about experiences helps me to get a feel for an itinerary in my head if I ever get to go. However, sometimes people also think I'm interested if it's a place to which I've already been. In this case, I honestly don't care at all, because it cannot help me in any way. But if it's a place you haven't gone, I would suggest doing what I do and trying to look at it as a future itinerary.
     
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  20. BrokenBoy

    BrokenBoy 戯言使い(Nonsense User)

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    If you don't care then just tell her.
     
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