Non-verbal communication

[Smiley]

My three year old son doesn't talk. He has resisted all our attempts to teach him to sign. I made a few picture cards for him, and he took to them really quickly, used them for three days, then stopped. If he wants something, he indicates by taking someone (usually me) by the hand and leading them to whatever he wants, and then we play a guessing game of trial and error until I say the name of what he wants.

People tell me (other moms, my family, anonymous strangers on the internet) that I should "force" him to talk by pretending to not understand his gestures and refusing to let him lead me by the hand. I'm uncomfortable with intentionally causing stress, but I can understand their point of view too - if he doesn't have to speak, he doesn't have to speak.

He sings (not the words, just the tune), responds appropriately to speech, and recites most of the letters of the alphabet, so he is capable of making the sounds and understanding language.

Am I right in thinking that home and family are supposed to be safety and relief from stress, or are the people right who say if I don't "force" him, he will never speak?

 

[Judge]

I didn't speak in complete sentences until I reached the age of four. Never signed at all.

I guess I just didn't have anything in particular to say at the time.

I survived.

Though this was something I wasn't really aware of until my mother mentioned it to me just before she died. Which turned out to be another thing that helped me establish the likelihood that I was on the spectrum, though no one ever detected it.

 

[rainfall]

My son did about the same thing at your son's age. Therapists tried hard to get him to sign but he wouldn't. He recognized the pictures and would go get the objects but just to compare. He didn't use them when he wanted something and there's no way he was doing anything with his hands when he wouldn't even point.

I started having him point to what he wanted. I would take his hand and point to it, say the name of it and when he'd point and then later try to speak, I'd repeat the name, give it to him and act very excited. He loves praise and so with showing him communication had a purpose and that it was a good thing, he eventually caught on. I didn't expect him to say the actual word, just try, which usually came out as a sound for a long time. Effort is what I was looking for. I realized it was a lot of effort for him to speak so he would use what was easier for him. I gently pushed him to try harder.

All of this was actually before he had any official diagnosis and I wasn't told it was even suspected. My son has typically done things in his own time but I've done what I can to help him along the way which it sounds like that's exactly what you're doing.

I agree with you. His home and family should be a place of safety where he feels comfortable. The outside world is plenty stress enough.

I should add that he does speak now, he's eight years old. He started really putting two or more words together around four and a few sentences at five. The more he realized that communication helped him and he was less frustrated ,the more he worked to make it happen. He still struggles and has speech therapy but he communicates verbally on a regular basis and sometimes won't stop talking!!

 

[Smiley]

@rainfall thank you!

Other people with young kids on the spectrum think since my oldest has an autism diagnosis and is nearly adult, I should have all the answers, but each child is unique.

 

[rainfall]

You're welcome.

I think some people try to put those with autism into a little box to help them understand. Purely defining them by their behaviors and expecting everyone with the diagnosis to act accordingly.

The thing is that every person, regardless of being neurotypical or neurodiverse, are all unique individuals and should be expected to be so.

Having multiple children only means you have a base understanding for the next one that comes along. They aren't a carbon copy of the previous one. That seems rather evident to me though obviously not to them.

 

[Nitro]

@rainfall thank you!

Other people with young kids on the spectrum think since my oldest has an autism diagnosis and is nearly adult, I should have all the answers, but each child is unique.

There is an often quoted saying that if you have met one person with autism, then you have met one person with autism.

That applies to every human being in the planet, not just the autists

 

[the_tortoise]

Your son sounds like me at his age, but with better comprehension of language and more social responsiveness.

Am I right in thinking that home and family are supposed to be safety and relief from stress, or are the people right who say if I don't "force" him, he will never speak?

I think that, generally, you are right that home and family are supposed to be safety and relief from stress.

However, I also think that it really depends on the child and also on the reason they are not speaking.

I don't think you can just outright pretend to stop understanding him all the time without traumatizing him horribly -- everything he understands about communication with you will suddenly change and he won't understand why or what's happening. It would be beyond frustrating and quite likely terrifying. If you opt to try this, please go carefully -- don't do it with something he really needs (try for something he really wants, but doesn't really need), and don't do it the majority of the time -- if you keep the mock-confusion to a minimum you will hopefully avoid damaging his sense of safety in the world/his ability to trust that he will be understood and taken care of.

 

[Mary Anne]

Don’t force him! He is dealing with a lot and just needs more time. Lots of people here relate how they or their children did not talk until age four or even age 6 or more. My own step sister, now in her 60s, did not speak until she was around five. We all laugh because as an adult, she is the most talkative person on the planet. She became an occupational therapist and works with children who have special challenges in school. She is brilliant, and has always wrote in mirror style quite easily (the same as Leonardo Da Vinci did with all his journals).

Back in the 1950s and 60s no one knew anything about autism. There was no special treatments. My stepmom just allowed her to come along and be who she would be naturally. Both parents were relaxed and never forced anything on their kids.

 

[Gritches]

Am I right in thinking that home and family are supposed to be safety and relief from stress

I wish there were more like you around. I've heard some horror stories.

Anywho, it seems to me like forcing him to speak when he doesn't want to is a good way to get him to hate speaking. If I might be so bold to suggest: if he likes singing, could you try sing-talking to him? I forget who it was that said "singing is just sustained talking", but maybe if you could get him to sing-talk back to you it could be a positive step towards more "normal" talking. Because it seems clear from what you wrote that he knows the words and knows how to make the sounds, he just doesn't want to.

 

[Smiley]

Because it seems clear from what you wrote that he knows the words and knows how to make the sounds, he just doesn't want to.

Probably not all the sounds. He might be discontent with his pronunciation not sounding just like what he hears. Maybe. He hasn't told me, I'm just guessing.

 

[onlything]

When I was a kid, I didn't like sounds too much, especially my voice. It was because I would always hear it louder than other people's seeing, well, it was coming from me. That was also the reason why I wouldn't wear slippers - they are so loud. Mum used to say that I was such a quiet child that it was easy to forget I was there. I was walking quietly, playing quietly, laughing and crying quietly. Creeped out grandma a lot from what I heard and people were always jumping when I came from behind them chastising me for playing a ghost. It's rather amusing thinking about it now.

Anyway, forcing him to speak would be a bad idea. Keep trying to teach him but he'll start talking when he feels comfortable to do so. Give him some time.

 

[Gracey]

Follow your instinct, what may have worked for other mums with their own children may not necessarily work for you and your son.

Don’t force anything.
It may leave you both stressed and uncomfortable.
A bit of research into ideas or methods used by others and get creative and adapt to your own circumstances perhaps?
But not adding too much pressure and forcing.

I’d imagine you know your son better than anyone else alive.
Go with what you feel will work/ help/ assist.

If In doubt, don’t.

Good luck

 

[Ezra]

I didn't start talking until I was 8 and to this day I barely talk. I've had lots of speech therapy. However it's just part of who I am.

Trying to force me would have just resulted in meltdowns and me being even less verbal.

 

[Chance]

I didn't start talking until I was 8 and to this day I barely talk. I've had lots of speech therapy. However it's just part of who I am.

Trying to force me would have just resulted in meltdowns and me being even less verbal.

I was 4ish when I started saying anything, from what people say...
But I never cared or kept track of stuff like when I talked.

When I did talk people would make big deals about it and then I didn't want to talk anymore...
Sadly 40 years later... I'm basically the same. IF I say something it has to have meaning and mostly shocks people. I do talk, I fully KNOW how to talk, but only when I have too... My best talking is writing... and at work I have to do financial reports, or research reports on soils, grasses, products all the time... So, that is how I communicate the best. I leave lists for what I need the guys to get done mostly daily, so I don't have to mess with all that, and I never ask anything I wont do myself, so they know it has to be done.

Talking is sort of boring maybe, or just a real pain in the head to snag words to fit into this useless reciprocation process called conversation.

I sort of see it weird I guess... Its like being really sleepy... or being woken up from a deep sleep, but its all the time...
Most the time things are foggy and words are just not there until I mentally go track them down... Thought is there, but that mostly only makes sense to me it seems.

The nonverbal part of ASD (for me) is like being physically in one place, but mentally in another... and then they swirl together and lots of times I just choose to not to try and take the huge effort to try and sort it out, so I just stay quiet and or shutdown if people get all pushy.

 

[Bella Pines]

Trust your instincts.

I'm not a professional so can't comment on speech delays, diagnosis or treatment.

But I am autistic and I am a mum. There is a lot of advice out there, and here. Mumsnet, school, friends, family, news, social media. And it's great that we have access to so much knowledge at our fingertips.

But once you have read the advice, file it away and look at your son. You know him better than anyone in this world. Trust yourself. Listen to your instincts. Try to suppress the million voices and simplify it down to just you and him.

I've been through this loop, I made a mistake with one on my son's with some dreadful "cry it out" advice. But looking back I knew it was wrong, I was just desperate and in such a hurry! But now I've found the right balance between encouraging and pushing my boys without hurting or breaking them.

So I'm not offering any advice whatsoever, because you are the authority. You know in your heart what the right thing to do is.

 

[Mary Anne]

I was 4ish when I started saying anything, from what people say...
But I never cared or kept track of stuff like when I talked.

When I did talk people would make big deals about it and then I didn't want to talk anymore...
Sadly 40 years later... I'm basically the same. IF I say something it has to have meaning and mostly shocks people. I do talk, I fully KNOW how to talk, but only when I have too... My best talking is writing... and at work I have to do financial reports, or research reports on soils, grasses, products all the time... So, that is how I communicate the best. I leave lists for what I need the guys to get done mostly daily, so I don't have to mess with all that, and I never ask anything I wont do myself, so they know it has to be done.

Talking is sort of boring maybe, or just a real pain in the head to snag words to fit into this useless reciprocation process called conversation.

I sort of see it weird I guess... Its like being really sleepy... or being woken up from a deep sleep, but its all the time...
Most the time things are foggy and words are just not there until I mentally go track them down... Thought is there, but that mostly only makes sense to me it seems.

The nonverbal part of ASD (for me) is like being physically in one place, but mentally in another... and then they swirl together and lots of times I just choose to not to try and take the huge effort to try and sort it out, so I just stay quiet and or shutdown if people get all pushy.

Thanks for explaining yourself. I did not understand why anyone who could talk would choose not to. I would be incredibly frustrated if I had to work with some who chose to stay silent - due to not understanding. This helps a lot! Might I ask how you got your job?

You are a success story @Ezra.

 

[Ylva]

Since he understands language, maybe you can explain it to him? At least talk to him about it. Might bring you some insights.

I don't know if showing him diagrams and explaining mouth anatomy is too much.

if he likes singing, could you try sing-talking to him?

Or this. Turn it into a musical number. Can be fun.

 

[GrownupGirl]

If your child was blind, would you force him to start seeing?

 

[Smiley]

If your child was blind, would you force him to start seeing?

He clearly can understand what I say, and he clearly can make the sounds of speech. Some people have advised me to force him to talk. I'm uncomfortable with the idea. He trusts me and he has his own way of communicating. I don't want to violate that trust. On the other hand, as it is now, I'm the only one who understands him. What if something happens to me?

 

[Bella Pines]

If your child was blind, would you force him to start seeing?

Wow that's wisdom right there, I'm totally going to use that phrase, love it!