Non-autist in relationship with person with autism looking for advice

[BooBear91]

Hello, I'm new so please bear with me. Also, I apologize if using the term "autist" is seen as derogatory and/ or frowned upon. Let me know so I know whether or not it is ok to use.

I'm mostly looking for advice at this moment on how to foster and encourage my significant other's (soon to be married) interests. She seems to want to share a lot of things with me, such as things about other people and all; however, when it comes to her interests, she tells me about them but doesn't include me in them. I know she tries but she also gives up if she even perceives that I'm not interested. Often times it isn't a lack of interest but rather that I may be having a bad day or an having difficulties with things and processing. (I have Cerebral Palsy and multiple mental health diagnoses)

I don't mean to make her feel like I have no interest or I don't want to get along, but is it not ok to indulge in my own thing/ have some alone time? A lot of things I do bother her sensory issues (singing opera, playing jokes, touch randomly without remembering her boundaries). I want to better our relationship by sharing some in each other's interests but I also still have that need to do my own thing when it is something I know she can't handle. She's also pregnant which makes her sensory issues twice as bad, which has lead to some hard feelings, especially when I would like to sing (as I have a generally loud singing voice as I've sung opera for the past 8 years.

She also has a developmental delay that causes her to need to speak things aloud and get that feedback on social situations and some other things to process them, in which she is quite long-winded most of the time. That has also lead to more hard feelings as it leads to limited time to indulge in anything else but talking from the time we are up until the time she goes to bed. Any other time that's left during the day, she usually insists that we spend it together because she wants to be close but she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger. Could somebody explain what that means if you understand it, please?

She is currently visiting from Canada and I live 422 miles away from her home in the US. She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call. She says she doesn't really lie and I know that but is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together? I'm really trying to let go of the past but this is just a lot to handle.

Does anybody have any advice on how to cope with these situations? Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs? Is it too much for me to want to be left alone sometimes (as it helps me to cope with life and process my own emotions)?

I really don't want our relationship to suffer because I'm not giving her what she needs.

Thanks for any responses. They are much appreciated.

 

[MrSpock]

I don't know that I've seen the term 'autist' used before. I think I can speak for most (not all, most) people here when I say that we don't much care what you call us so long as it's clear what you mean, and your intent is not insulting. Autistic, aspie, on the spectrum, with ASD are all common and generally accepted as being identifying as opposed to insulting.

...when it comes to her interests, she tells me about them but doesn't include me in them. I know she tries but she also gives up if she even perceives that I'm not interested. Often times it isn't a lack of interest but rather that I may be having a bad day or an having difficulties with things and processing.

I suspect that it wouldn't be a problem to simply tell her that it's not a great time for you to understand her interests in depth, that you would like to know more at a better time for you to absorb the information properly - that might even be better than just listening as she will know that you want to use premium listening time for her rather than low-quality listening. Of course, with this as with any suggestion I'm not her (not even a her), I can only say what I would think or feel and you must decide if it's applicable, or decide that you don't know if it's applicable or not. Only she can tell you for sure, and you should take her answers at face value. At least, you should take MY answers at face value

I would want you to have alone time, so that I could. It's unusual for an autistic person to not want alone time, you seem to have this in the opposite direction from what is 'normal' in an ND/NT relationship. (ND- neurodiverse, or autistic. NT- neurotypical, not autistic)

she has also said that if we don't have that closeness each and every day, multiple times a day even (most days) then she and I will be too distant and she won't be able to open back up to me because I'll be a stranger. Could somebody explain what that means if you understand it, please?

I can't 'identify with' this. I would usually caution against 'interpreting' what she says, but I don't see how you could become a literal stranger within a day. I would still tend to take what she says as literally as you can, and would expect that failure to have that closeness would cause her to feel more distant and it would become a problem quickly. I don't think that this has anything to do with her being autistic, just as I don't think the alone time thing has to do with her autism. The taking things literally thing is a definite autistic trait - not present in all of us but a common one that is often a big deal and causes headaches with NTs, it's a common theme in the Love, Relationships and Dating forum.

She has said that things will be different when we go back to Canada in 5 days, but I don't know whether or not I can trust this as I have seen different happen when she's back home and we just talk over video call.

I'm almost sure you've miswritten this. She says it will be different, you have seen different happen - what you have seen would seem to confirm what she says, not give cause for mistrust.

...is it bad of me to feel like she just doesn't really know herself all that well in what she really and needs from a person, especially when she's never really been in a long term relationship before us getting together?

I dunno, that seems like a pretty normal thing to be concerned about. Just as one human to another, I would think that a bit of concern is to be expected, but a lot would indicate a lack of faith in that person, perhaps that lack of faith is justified, we can't tell. It sounds like maybe you're moving in together in five days, you're not just moving house, but to another country. I guess you might be rather strange if you weren't worried a bit about something or other. Hope you're excited too.

Is it too much for me to continue to wish for and sometimes expect her to understand my needs?

No... BUT. It may be a lot of work for you to be able to understand each other's needs, to be able to communicate effectively. I don't mean a lot of work each time (although that may be the case for a long time), I mean a lot of work to establish a common frame of reference, to develop communication that you can both be confident is hitting home, rather than shots in the dark which may be miscommunication and do damage while you're both unaware of what is really happening in the other's heart and mind. You can't expect her to read your mind, and I wouldn't expect you to be able to read hers consistently either. It seems normal for NTs to believe that they can read our minds consistently and this is often a source of problems.

Feel free to ask more questions and share what you will. I would suggest looking around in other Love, Relationship and Dating threads and seeing what problems are frequently associated with ND/NT relationships. You may find answers to FAQs, and you may get a better idea of what more specific questions would be useful to ask.

If a response seems weird, don't be afraid to ask about it, and I would suggest you use the same approach with your significant other. Crossed wires are not always so obvious, asking what the other person means when things are strange is one way to help avoid them.

 

[BlueBelle]

Hi, I’m BooBear’s significant other, and can tell you I really do love my alone time. I just don’t have pattern blocks, minesweeper, my books, or things to line up here, and no cable TV. Those are my things to do during time to myself.

What she means though, is that in the past we haven’t had alone time to ourselves the way she would like it when we’ve both been in our separate homes because of the fact that I try to keep an eye on her, because of her mental health difficulties causing her to be unsafe a lot in the past. I also didn’t have time to partake in my interests because I wanted to be there for her. It’s just been a long time of communication errors and struggling on both ends, I feel, and now we’re trying our best to both find viable solutions.

 

[Echo]

I'm going to do something I rarely bother with, and give you the "old woman" perspective (Well... I'm not that old, but certainly older...:0)

Since you're just now moving in together, and one of you is having to relocate to another country, while the other one has a child on the way, I'm going to state the obvious and say that for ANYONE, regardless of their neuro-divergent traits, this would be a stressful time in the relationship.

But I'm not forecasting doom and gloom, either.

Once you're settled, (and sooner rather than later, because bad relationship habits that become ingrained are harder to break), find a counselor you both like. Hopefully someone that works with neurodiverse and differently-abled populations. I add that last bit because many people look to clergy for couples counseling, and most of the time they're really not qualified to help neurotypicals, much less the rest of us.

I wish you both luck!

 

[tree]

@Mr Spock

Used more often in the UK.

https://www.collinsdictionary.com/us/dictionary/english/autist
There's a fun little click-y chart in the link, to show usage over time.

 

[OkRad]

I really hope you guys make it! It's so rare to have both sides on here. I am very glad you both came in. Have you thought of couples' counseling? You both really seem to care about one another.