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Featured No understanding of this at all

Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by Pats, Feb 9, 2020.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I've seen so many videos of people getting to meet their real parents or long lost whatever. A man who met his 17 year old daughter for the first time - not knowing she existed before. That's all well and good but I don't understand the emotion behind it all. They go running to each other in tears and hug like they don't ever want to let go. And now these DNA reports that say you can connect and become closer to people that share some of same DNA.

    It makes me feel kind of callous for not 'getting it'. I'm sorry, but if you're someone I've never met I can't think of a reason I would feel close to you. Okay - if someone saved one of my children or grandchild, then yeah, I'd be eternally grateful. But, other than that, you're still a stranger and I'm going to feel like you're a stranger.

    This was definitely a constant disagreement between me and my narcissist ex. You could imagine - he thinks he should be center of everyone's attention and I don't understand why he would think so. He's the father of my youngest daughter and when I refused to marry him he disappeared - worried he would have to pay child support. When she was 17 she met him for the first time, but she felt nothing toward him - why would she? I ended up marrying him - all my kids were then grown and I think I was going through that empty nest syndrome. She was okay with him, but no automatic love for him, which he didn't understand. When she was trying to plan her wedding, he was upset that she had asked her bigger brother to walk her down the aisle and refused to go to her wedding. Because of all the arguments she decided they would just go to a justice of the peace. I went - didn't invite him because he wasn't going to go had she had the wedding she wanted. He had no understanding of why she would not be thrilled for him to walk her down the aisle. I'd try to explain to him that she doesn't KNOW him. He chose not to be part of her life, why would she suddenly make him the center of it. He visits her occasionally and she's fine with it, but I did have to suggest a different night when he mentioned to me he might stay with them Christmas eve on is way to Ohio to see his other kids. So he did wait. Christmas eve and morning are kind of an intimate time for immediate family and he makes her uncomfortable still.

    Anyway, is it me? Would you ever feel this kind of closeness to someone you've never met or spoken to? Is it an ND/NT difference? Do they really feel that automatic closeness just because they share some genes?
     
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  2. Juliettaa

    Juliettaa Black Sheep. Society of One. V.I.P Member

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    When I've seen this type of situation on TV, it makes me think it's all staged, for effect. It makes for better TV viewing than a 'non reaction'.

    No.

    Closeness, a bond. That has to develop over a period of time, during which there is development of trust and mutual respect. I wouldn't have that for a stranger. Even less so for a stranger that may have abandoned me as a child, which is often the case on these (trashy) TV programmes.
     
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  3. Alexej

    Alexej Active Member

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    I don't know what this all means, all this emotion. However, for me alexithymia will play a role. I remember pre diagnosis days doing on line surveys, I was always borderline on AS but definite on alexithymia.

    I had no great feelings when I first saw my children - which seems more common than the TV reality programming would have us believe.
     
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  4. GadAbout

    GadAbout Well-Known Member

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    People who are professionally involved in reuniting biological parents and adopted-away children warn them that the biological relative may not want to see them, or if they do meet, there may be no bonding.
     
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  5. wight

    wight Well-Known Member

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    No, it's not you. I don't even feel "closeness" with my siblings that I grew up with, let alone someone I've never met. Is this an NT thing? I don't know, maybe partly.

    One of the things that strikes me about these reunion things, is that they never really show the long term. OK, I sort of get it, you are finally meeting you bio-mom after being adopted... an emotional moment. But what about 6 months or 2 years later when you find out what you each are really like?
     
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  6. Rasputin

    Rasputin Scholar and World Traveler V.I.P Member

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    I have to agree with everyone who has commented. My father was given away by his mother when he was an infant. Fifteen years later his mother reclaimed him, and he never developed a bond with his mother. Then my father left my mother and I when I was four and I did not hear from him again until I was 40. We tried to develop a relationship, but neither of us felt any kind on bond.
     
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  7. Sherlock77

    Sherlock77 Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    One friend of mine who was adopted has never expressed a big desire to find his birth parents and family... And my friend is almost 80 now... He grew up in a loving family so felt no need...
     
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  8. Aspychata

    Aspychata My Art Work

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    I have a half-sister from father, and a half-brother from mother. And of course struggled for any bond with them and failed. I have a daughter who decided to forget her mother's bond and a mother who never wanted a bond with me(son is golden child). At this point, l give up. If it ain't happening, it's just not going to happen. Oh- an a ex that wants to rebond and that's a giant big nooooo can do. I rather bond with with pirahuna fish.
     
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  9. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    In my own case my relations with relatives is odd to say the least. In actuality I've had better relationships with far more distant relatives than with my own first cousins.

    Is blood thicker than water? Maybe. Maybe not. :confused:

    But a child meeting a parent for the first time in years who may have abandoned them? Hmmmmmm. Awkward would be an understatement.

    Supposedly I have a rather famous relative who is a well-known actor. But I have absolutely no interest in meeting them either. My bad. Besides, folks like that probably have their fill of relatives they've never heard of before. :p
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
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  10. Raggamuffin

    Raggamuffin Well-Known Member

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    Anything done in front of a camera is embellished in some way shape or form. The only "long lost" things I care about is announcements of archaeological finds.

    Ed
     
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  11. Gracey

    Gracey Well-Known Member

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    The answer may lie in the narcism @Pats.
    Your Ex believes he's the centre of everyone's universe, daughter included.
    He may have expectations of others and how they should act around him then feels confusion when they don't.

    I get the situation you're describing though.

    I see little difference between absent biological fathers and sperm banks.

    Sperm donors don't step up to care for and raise the product of their donations either.
    Nobody expects them to.

    If a relative of mine pointed to the bus driver of a number 72 bus and said,
    "Oh, by the way, that's your father"
    I'd be like,
    "No, that's a bus driver.

    I wouldn't automatically ask him to walk me down the aisle instead of the ticket to my destination.

    He'd have to behave like a dad first and do 'dad-things' before I thought about him that way.

    Otherwise he's as strange as any other stranger alive on the planet today.
     
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  12. Progster

    Progster Gone sideways to the sun V.I.P Member

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    No, and I don't think NTs do, either. If a person has been absent all your life, then how can a connection/emotional bond ever form? I don't get how people get all emotional about old photos of relatives either, great grandfathers/grandmothers who they never even met.
     
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  13. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I don't see how you could feel an instant emotional bond to someone you've never known.
    Even if the biological facts say you are related, so what?
    I have cousins by the dozens. They are blood related.
    Most I have never met and if I did I would feel nothing more than I would for any other person I just met.

    I do believe in feeling an attraction or type of connection instantly with certain people.
    It has happened a few times and I don't mean a physical attraction.
    What few times this has happened it was always mutual and turned out they were people who
    had common special interests and ways much like myself.
    They were Aspies too. Didn't know it when we met, but, it makes me wonder if there is a connection
    in that realm that we don't understand?
     
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  14. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    Strangely enough I don't get this with people either, however when I lost my dog for just a couple hours I was in tears to see him when then kind police officer returned him to me.

    I also lost my son twice and both times were very short, but I lost it (my composure) when I finally found him.

    Other people I could give a rats behind if I see them or not. This really upsets some people I know, but why fake attachment?
     
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  15. Cassiopeia

    Cassiopeia Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I don't know my biological father and never felt the desire to change that. IF I would have and went to meet him I'd definitely not burst out into tears and get emotional either. It's a stranger, someone I don't know. So I, as well, agree with you.

    I also guess a lot of these things on tv or youtube are prolly staged. Maybe these people are also generally just overwhelmed by the whole situation. Like being placed in front of other people when being reunited with someone. Or meeting someone for the first time. Maybe it stresses some of them.
     
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  16. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    My daughter in law's family is actually one who would react this way. They had a cousin or something that had been taken away for years by the dad and last year she was reunited with the family and everyone seemed to be in tears (of joy) over it. But there are many differences between our families. She can't understand not talking to siblings EVERY day and mom. But talking to each other daily, they have more arguments and disagreements and also more talking about the other, including the mom talking. whereas mine - maybe they don't talk to each other every day, but I've never heard any of them say anything bad about the other.

    But anyhow, I do see NT families react like this. I do understand they find it easier to express emotions, but it's those emotions I don't understand.
    I've only experienced anything like that when I had a baby or a new grandchild - but that's different because they are literally part of me. I remember thinking before my first grandchild was born that I didn't know how I would feel because I knew I could never love anyone like I do my own child. Then it happened and I was like, "Wow! I did!" But it's rooted to the love for my child.

    Years ago I watched a movie about a teenage boy being reunited to his family after living most his life with his kidnapper, and the movie was the struggle of fitting back together and learning to know each other all over again. That I understand and that's reality.

    I think you're all right, I think there's a tendency to over-react and exhibit the exaggerated emotions for other's sake. And if I think about it, they tend to exaggerate everything in their lives. So excitement seems to be even more so with them, problems tend to be bigger, illnesses tend to be bigger, everything tends to be way more than I think it merits.
     
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  17. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I grew up with my dad and would have been much better off to not have known him. I actually night would have liked him more.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
  18. Judge

    Judge Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I have a suspicion that with the scenario you gave, that it's more a matter of chance of such a happening having a happy ending. That not everyone whether neurotypical or not will be so quick to reconcile longstanding and deep emotional wounds.

    And whenever the media publicizes such things, they aren't likely to spend any time airing failed family reconciliations of any kind. That they only promote the ones that for whatever reasons generated that "happy ending". Adding to a publicly skewed understanding of it all.
     
    Last edited: Feb 10, 2020
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  19. Major Tom

    Major Tom Searching for ground control... V.I.P Member

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    "Quick rub pepper in your eyes and run out in front of the camera with open arms" :p
     
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  20. Schism

    Schism Authentic Alien

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    Fact: I would be pretty hostile & suspicious. Angry if I were caught on some sort of chavvy reality television.
     
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