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Featured No longer want to talk to a girl at work that I had a crush on...

Discussion in 'General Autism Discussion' started by aspieandconfused_87, Dec 4, 2018.

  1. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Hello All,

    So there's this girl at work I was crushing on pretty hard, shes pretty, nice to talk to, actually seemed interested in what I had to say, and would even come to me and talk to me out of her own will, and I felt a connection with her, we have chatted off an on here and there. I couldn't tell if she was just being friendly or was actually interested in me in anyway, or just bored and I occasionally kept her entertained now and then, and truth be told now that I think about it the only time she really ever talked to was when she was bored.

    Anyways one of my coworkers told me recently that she was newly single as he went to school with her in the past and follows her on social media, so I was like ok this is my chance to maybe get a little closer to her and see if anything could happen, a few weeks back I was trying to arrange for me her and maybe 1 or 2 coworkers to go out to lunch together, I was trying to talk everyone into a noodle place but she didn't feel good from drinking to much the night before (tells me she likes to drink to much sometimes and party, not really my thing) and was really wanting Pho (Vietnamese noodle soup for anyone who doesn't know what it is) and I already knew I didn't want Pho as it wasn't good to me.

    Anyways so she started talking to one of the other guys that is apart of my team when I was trying to make plans, once she said she really wanted Pho he was pushing the idea presumably because he likes it as well I looked at the menu and nothing looked good so I decided that I wasn't going, I guess she wasn't getting that I had no interest in going and before they left she asked me if I was ready to go and I informed her that I wasn't interested, she seemed a little disappointed and they left.

    Anyways fast forward to yesterday and she is basically sitting on his desk I overhear them chatting and I caught bits and pieces and she goes "yeah lets take a walk" and they get up and leave together, then I looked out the window a few minuets later and they are getting in his car and leaving, they where gone for an hour or more, when they finally came back she had something in her hand looked like either some kind of tea or maybe Japanese Kit-Kats not sure, and then this morning she comes in a a little while after he does and had just came down from getting breakfast I presume and walks straight up to him and offers him some food, and then this evening they seemed to be leaving together, she again came straight up to him and waited for him and he asked her "are you waiting on me?" and she happily says yes, and she hung around and waited like 10-15 minuets for him and they left together, so yeah pretty sure they are in some way seeing each other, and they are being pretty damn obvious about it.

    She as usual tried to say hello to me this morning, obviously she would, why would she feel the need to act any different as I doubt she was even aware I liked her or had any interest in her beyond a work colleague/friend, I didn't really look at her and coldly said "sup" and then basically didn't pay any attention to her the rest of the day and she must have felt something as she didn't really make any effort to talk to me the rest of the day, then right before her and the guy left tonight she kind of paused and said bye and in a hopeful friendly way, I again coldly said bye, I assume she turned around and looked at me but I didn't look up at all, I know I am being a little immature, it's not her fault I never said anything or that she is possibly seeing someone else in my department, and I mean he is more confident, and attractive then me, so its only natural that she would be attracted to him, plus they are both asian so he already had an advantage. But I don't know that is just how I deal with stuff, I will get over it eventually, but I think it bothers me more that she is seeing him specifically cause he is the typical douchey extroverted bro-y type that girls seem to like, especially younger women, so I am not surprised but a little disappointed and annoyed and what is worse is that she and him are not really making any effort to keep it on the DL and being pretty blatant about it.

    So why would I want to talk to her or be friendly? Why so I can watch you hang on someone else? Nah I am good, I would rather just pretend you are just any other stranger off the street, I will help her and be cordial when needed but I am not going to be her friend or have casual conversation with her anymore, I just do not see a point, she is just like every other girl and no longer anyone special in my eyes.

    Sorry for the book lol I like to give a lot of detail,

    Your feedback is welcome.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
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  2. Isadoorian

    Isadoorian Well Known Chat Member V.I.P Member

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    You can still be friends with her; yes it hurts she's very likely interested in someone else other than you but it happens. That's apart of life. It's just something you'll have to live and deal with.

    You're profile says you're 31, yet you're willing to take this situation in a rather childish and immature manner. You must realize there are other people out there other than her (outside of your co-workers) as well. And outright ignoring her out of jealousy's not going to help you I assure you.

    Also, I do not mean to come off as mean about what I said, but it is the truth. Please understand that.

    I wish you well.

    Another thing I thought of; try putting yourself in her shoes and hers in yours in this situation; how do you think it would make you feel if she hung out with you, and you decided to go out with another co-worker and then she ignored and stopped talking to you out of jealousy? Give it some thought.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
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  3. Tom

    Tom Well-Known Member

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    It all boiled down to a difference in Noodles.
     
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  4. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Nice ;)
     
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  5. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    No I completely understand and am well aware of how I am coming off and that I am being childish, like I said I will likely get over it, but I want to sulk a little. I can't say I will never talk to her again but for the moment I don't particularly want to, and as a clarification we have never actually hung out really mostly just talked, like I said she only seemed to want to talk when she was bored most of the time, I don't know if she really cares about me.
     
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  6. hiraeth

    hiraeth Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Workplace interactions can be tricky even when there are not intense emotions involved... and waaaay trickier when there are.

    My burning question while reading all of that is: does your or her work duties require you to have interactions? Is this split causing work to not get done or for other people to notice / be concerned or affected?
     
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  7. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    No not really before we started talking casually we rarely spoke unless she needed help with something (I work in IT) or she had a question.
     
    Last edited: Dec 4, 2018
  8. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Also off topic but where did you go to get that score chart? NT vs AT, I want to do it.
     
  9. hiraeth

    hiraeth Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Ahhh I don't remember... I think a lot of people have them, or I added it because I saw a ton of people have them in their signatures at the time!
     
  10. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Think I found it seems to be this one: Aspie Quiz
     
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  11. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Interesting score results:

    Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 115 of 200
    Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 101 of 200
    You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

    But honestly pretty accurate
     
  12. Autistamatic

    Autistamatic He's just this guy, you know?

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    Two observations I take from this.

    Your reaction to being spurned is immature, yes, but there is great maturity in recognising that and questioning yourself over it. It's a relatable reaction, for sure, but I would counsel you to try to "get over it" purely because it may well come back on you. Social rumours about you being childish and irritable or even just moody can hurt you and damage your working reputation more than you can imagine, and you don't need that in your life. An abrupt return to normal with maybe a comment like "Sorry I was a bit curt the other day, I was having an off day and had a lot on my mind" when the opportunity arises may well be enough to mend it before any scuttlebutt has chance to darken your reputation, and is technically true. If she asks for detail it can be personal stuff you don't want to talk about ;)

    Secondly - and this one comes from personal experience as well as observation and research - she's likely not someone you'd be happy with for long at this stage of her life.
    If you don't like drinking and partying and she does then even if you get on great at the start, the cracks will start to show. You also don't need to do things you dislike, such as eating foods that don't agree with you to curry favour with people you like. Compromise is good but doing things you really don't like or eating foods that mess with your digestion to make people like you may make short term gains but can drain your soul faster than you know it. You end up trapped in a cycle of parties you don't want to go to and eating pho because she thinks you like it, while you start wondering how to break it to her without ruining everything. Opposites attract sometimes, I know it, but they rarely thrive, despite the odd exception.

    As always my friend, there is no criticism intended in my observation, only my desire to see you protect yourself and be happy. Keep us posted :)
     
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  13. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Thanks again Autistamatic for your kind words and insight as always, I do not disagree with that, some people are already standoffish about me as it is simply because I am not like them or do not react like most people do.

    I wouldn't likely go out of my way to say anything about it but if she brought it up or said anything I would probably say something along those lines, and I also do not disagree with your observation about being at different stages of life, she is younger than me I am in my 30's she's likely in her mid-ish 20's, I was discussing with my mother tonight about this whole thing and she tends to lean more on the side of it's probably for the best that nothing ever happened between me and her and now I may have the opportunity to see how she would be as a mate with little to no risk on my part lol, also the sheer fact we work together it is always a risky proposition for a variety of reasons.

    She is the extroverted talkative outgoing type, I am the polar opposite, while there are certainly aspects of our personalities that complement each other ultimately I never really felt strongly that it would ever really go anywhere anyways or even that she felt anything romantic toward me but more that my fantasy is now ruined, if that makes sense, I liked the idea that I had a chance basically, but it's whatever, I am already pretty much over it, thank you to everyone who responded for your time and input I really appreciate it, if there is anything worth updating on later I will be sure to add it.
     
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  14. Crossbreed

    Crossbreed Missionary ☝ Cybernaut

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    Pho or against...! [​IMG]
     
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  15. Onna

    Onna Well-Known Member

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    I can relate to that. It sucks, but you’re right you do get over it. Sounds like you’re better at getting over it than me. It took me about a week to get over my crush, and by that time I’d already made things worse by sending a regrettable text message! Make sure you spend time allowing yourself to feel hurt, it’s a natural response.
    I may be wrong but I think we have a harder time dealing with the emotions within ourselves, rather than the actual situation, like you pointed out, the ‘fantasy’ of what could’ve been has been ruined.
    I wish I’d of spent time feeling my hurt and accepting it rather than sending the text! Don’t do what I did by letting them see your immaturity! :D
     
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  16. Moomin

    Moomin “My servants never die!”

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    I had the massive crush on a guy in my high school. I adored him, for reasons unknown when I look back but I adored him, and I remember feeling so crushed when he started to date another girl in my class. He even wrote her a letter when she was leaving the school. I kept wondering what did she have that I didn’t, what did he see in her...I felt very despondent, and going to school was hard because I’d have to see them every single day. However, I was never rude. I might have avoided them at first and only spoke if they spoke to me. I was told later on by him that he did like me but because I was not forthcoming and obvious, he didn’t grasp that I liked him like that. But that’s life. It was a hard lesson but it was a lesson worth learning.

    You’re obviously aware that you’re behaving immaturely about it, and I’m sorry that you were crushed. It may take time to get truly over this, but is she worth it by being just a friend? If not, and you don’t want anything to do with her at all, then be the better person and just be polite in your interactions, you will definitely have further issues if you behave like you have an issue with her.
     
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  17. Mattymatt

    Mattymatt Imperfectly Perfect

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    I think you have some takeaways from the experience because you recognized your behavior as childish. That's huge and we are all guilty of acting childish one in a long while; it's called being human. It's probably better to not date in the workplace. If it goes south, the workplace can become awfully uncomfortable very quickly.
     
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  18. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Active Member

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    You are probably more disappointed that she didn't live up to the illusion you created in your head. Turns out she's just a bunny, hopping from guy to guy. The positive is that she's wasn't suitable for you anyway.

    You should be happy because you don't want to get involved in anyway with anyone at your job. Do you like your job? Does it pay well? Even if you don't like it and want to quit, you shouldn't do so until you have another job lined up. It's not a smart idea to be friends or more with co-workers since this can lead to issues involving your income or future. Don't **** where you eat.

    This also means you have to be happy-go-lucky. Sulking is going to affect your professional life, so stop doing that. Sulk at home or something, but not at work. Then again, only have the absolute minimal amount of casual conversation. You don't want to be anywhere near to "Friends". You want to be the guy that everyone likes, but that nobody really knows.

    So take this as an opportunity to reinforce the boundaries between private and business in your life.
     
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  19. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    Thank you sharing your experience, yeah it sucks but that's life lol, is she worth being friends with? Not really sure if we were really friends to begin with, yeah we were friendly for sure and chatted, but can I honestly say we are friends? Not really IMO, but I do got to get better about telling girls I like them when I do, but that's easier said than done, rejection is hard to deal with, I wouldn't be rude to her intentionally she's a nice person and I will stay professional with her, just can't say I will be buddy pals with her haha.
     
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  20. aspieandconfused_87

    aspieandconfused_87 Active Member

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    I agree with pretty much everything you have said.