Newbie question: muted emotional responses?

[Strong Sad]

Hi All,

I recently self-diagnosed as ASD and am now seeking a clinical diagnosis. Something that I have reflected on a lot as I have been re-evaluating my life (I think of it as being like a social/emotional anatomy of self) is what I would describe as the feeling of being emotionally muted. Not only do I feel this, but it has been noted by those I’ve had close relationships with. It is like I am consistently at emotional room temperature. The only thing that really rattles me is when I am confronted with the inability to make myself understood/hurting someone I care about/failing in a relationship. These things hurt A LOT (really the only thing that can make me cry). Otherwise, I am like that Far Side cartoon: the many emotions of a dog, with the same expression for each emotion. My wedding photos? Looks like I could be waiting for a bus. Photo of me on a rollercoaster? Staring expressionless into the void. Birth of my kids? No significant emotional response. I love my kids, but I likely would have responded with the same visible emotion if the nurse handed me a sandwich. My wife says she can never tell if I experience joy or happiness. I agree with her - I don’t know if I do, either. Nor do I feel or experience great fear or sadness. I don’t get funerals. I don’t get celebrations. You could likely swap me in and out of both and I would display the same emotional flatness. I do know if I am content, or if I am uncomfortable, or if I am overwhelmed, or if I am hurt. I feel like “content,” “comfortable,” or “safe” are the peak of positive emotions for me.
I know this post confuses in part the difference between feeling and displaying emotion, this is in part because I am having difficulty discerning between the two. Is what I feel what I display? Do I have feelings beyond what I display?
(Aside: I had a pair of wooden glasses that I was really into, and I would joke about them: “wooden glasses for a wooden man.” Then I destroyed them in a fit of self-loathing and gave myself a black eye. Now I have plastic glasses - maybe a new found flexibility?)
Anyway. Emotional muteness. Is this consistent with your feelings/experiences?

 

[tree]

These thread topics may be of interest to you.

Flat affect?
Alexithymia

 

[Mia]

It is with my husband, he does appear to be emotionally muted. Although I think psychologically he is a mass of emotions that he is unable to identify. As a female aspie, I don't experience those exact same difficulties, although it took a long while to identify what I felt during certain situations. Usually I have physical responses, an upset stomach that indicates discomfort, or a slight headache that indicates something else. Later, I've been able to ascertain what emotion it was at the time. Aspie females have been likened lately to NT males in their ability to experience emotions.

My husband often does not know how he feels at all. And that is typical of males of a certain age raised in certain environments. Add to that autism and the stuffing down of emotions and you will likely muffle what you feel. All the while that inability to express such things verbally, outwardly, can be problematic in that it all becomes expressed internally. And who doesn't want to shut that down when it won't stop?

Have to say that I laughed when you described being offered a sandwich as having as much if not more impact than the birth of a child. You mention you have no overt emotions, but I absolutely have a sense of them when you write and convey them. You seem a quite complex individual who is well aware of some of their difficulties. I think what you show in real situations is a muted response, but far more likely it's not something you are able to verbalize or show in that moment. There is usually a delay in reaction time with autism.

 

[Shenandoah]

My wife tells me that I look pissed often even when I am not. Not the same as flatness but perhaps similar.
I have a significant amount of alexithymia.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

You mention you have no overt emotions, but I absolutely have a sense of them when you write and convey them.

Fully agree with this: thought pretty much exactly the same thing.

I do know if I am content, or if I am uncomfortable, or if I am overwhelmed, or if I am hurt. I feel like “content,” “comfortable,” or “safe” are the peak of positive emotions for me.

If you know you love your children that suggests you are not severely deficient in emotion, maybe?

My emotions are so all-over-the-place that one psychiatrist wanted me on mood stabilizers for the rest of my life. But actually my psychotherapist, and more than one clairvoyant, tended to encourage me to alter my thinking so as to get closer to very much the kind of state you describe: a sort of serene detachment where nothing feels so extreme as to cause me any upset. I'm still working towards that...

I have been accused of being cold and distant, even though friends and girlfriends have also said I was very loving and affectionate; I have to try to remember to put an expression on my face commensurate with what I know I'm feeling inside, because my face doesn't always automatically register what I'm feeling, and sometimes if I'm also thinking about something else in the back of my mind, my face accidentally reflects that instead of what's happening here and now.

So yes I imagine you do have feelings beyond what you display, and that isn't anything to beat yourself up about.

Good luck in your quest for a clinical diagnosis, because even though you are talking about a lot of classic A.S.D. signs, the professionals don't always want to see the signs (in my experience they don't always even get as far as talking about them...).

 

[leehart]

I am in an earlier part of this journey but can completely relate to this. I tend to be emotionally flat unless I feel I have acted inappropriately towards someone and upset them, that sends me spiraling and I dont cope well with that.

I have found at times though I am not aware of the emotions or how to express them that they suddenly break through. They seem to be there but i cant always process them. IE when my wife and step-daughter had a fallen out I feel to pieces because I couldnt cope with it, I didnt know the feelings were that strong until they were on the surface and I could not hold them in (which I normally can)

One nickname I have is the vulcan from those around me because I dont do emotions, I see that as a compliment, Vulcans are so much more predictable.

 

[Strong Sad]

It is with my husband, he does appear to be emotionally muted. Although I think psychologically he is a mass of emotions that he is unable to identify. As a female aspie, I don't experience those exact same difficulties, although it took a long while to identify what I felt during certain situations. Usually I have physical responses, an upset stomach that indicates discomfort, or a slight headache that indicates something else. Later, I've been able to ascertain what emotion it was at the time. Aspie females have been likened lately to NT males in their ability to experience emotions.

My husband often does not know how he feels at all. And that is typical of males of a certain age raised in certain environments. Add to that autism and the stuffing down of emotions and you will likely muffle what you feel. All the while that inability to express such things verbally, outwardly, can be problematic in that it all becomes expressed internally. And who doesn't want to shut that down when it won't stop?

Have to say that I laughed when you described being offered a sandwich as having as much if not more impact than the birth of a child. You mention you have no overt emotions, but I absolutely have a sense of them when you write and convey them. You seem a quite complex individual who is well aware of some of their difficulties. I think what you show in real situations is a muted response, but far more likely it's not something you are able to verbalize or show in that moment. There is usually a delay in reaction time with autism.

Thanks for the response! It definitely gives me some things to consider. What you say about your husband fits with me. I’ve been actively trying to figure out “what I feel,” and it is a strange process - it has been helpful when a therapist gives me a sheet of emotions, because then I can point to them and be all “Yes! I’m feeling melancholy! And resentful!” Otherwise I’m just ... lost? I feel, but can’t discern or communicate it. My wife has been after me for a year and a half to “talk about our feelings” and I’m like: “c’mon! I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!!!” So yes, I feel things - strongly - but now working on identifying and describing them. Largely unsuccessfully. And in part I also suspect that my flat affect is in part social strategy: if I am emotionally unresponsive, then maybe people will stop talking to me about dumb **** like emotions, and can join me more readily in discussions about my special interests . Like, who doesn’t like forgoing their emotional well-being to listen to me talk about myself and the multiple steps it takes to make a well-crafted latte? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND AND THE MICROFOAM.

 

[Strong Sad]

My wife tells me that I look pissed often even when I am not. Not the same as flatness but perhaps similar.
I have a significant amount of alexithymia.

Fully agree with this: thought pretty much exactly the same thing.
If you know you love your children that suggests you are not severely deficient in emotion, maybe?

My emotions are so all-over-the-place that one psychiatrist wanted me on mood stabilizers for the rest of my life. But actually my psychotherapist, and more than one clairvoyant, tended to encourage me to alter my thinking so as to get closer to very much the kind of state you describe: a sort of serene detachment where nothing feels so extreme as to cause me any upset. I'm still working towards that...

I have been accused of being cold and distant, even though friends and girlfriends have also said I was very loving and affectionate; I have to try to remember to put an expression on my face commensurate with what I know I'm feeling inside, because my face doesn't always automatically register what I'm feeling, and sometimes if I'm also thinking about something else in the back of my mind, my face accidentally reflects that instead of what's happening here and now.

So yes I imagine you do have feelings beyond what you display, and that isn't anything to beat yourself up about.

Good luck in your quest for a clinical diagnosis, because even though you are talking about a lot of classic A.S.D. signs, the professionals don't always want to see the signs (in my experience they don't always even get as far as talking about them...).

Fully agree with this: thought pretty much exactly the same thing.
If you know you love your children that suggests you are not severely deficient in emotion, maybe?

My emotions are so all-over-the-place that one psychiatrist wanted me on mood stabilizers for the rest of my life. But actually my psychotherapist, and more than one clairvoyant, tended to encourage me to alter my thinking so as to get closer to very much the kind of state you describe: a sort of serene detachment where nothing feels so extreme as to cause me any upset. I'm still working towards that...

I have been accused of being cold and distant, even though friends and girlfriends have also said I was very loving and affectionate; I have to try to remember to put an expression on my face commensurate with what I know I'm feeling inside, because my face doesn't always automatically register what I'm feeling, and sometimes if I'm also thinking about something else in the back of my mind, my face accidentally reflects that instead of what's happening here and now.

So yes I imagine you do have feelings beyond what you display, and that isn't anything to beat yourself up about.

Good luck in your quest for a clinical diagnosis, because even though you are talking about a lot of classic A.S.D. signs, the professionals don't always want to see the signs (in my experience they don't always even get as far as talking about them...).

don’t try to work towards that emotional detachment I describe. It’s actually pretty awful. It prevents legitimate connections with people, and that dampened non-feeling really gets in the way of, well, living.

 

[Raphael Outcast]

Point taken. I wasn't meaning to make light of your difficulties.

But there are some Neurotypical people who are very scared of emotion, and habitually damp it down. I quite like having emotions, within reason, but I've had to make mighty efforts to damp mine down from the off-the-scale kind of excesses they always want to attain. So perhaps there is a happy medium, and that medium is probably in a different position for each individual person.

I would guess that, with the right therapist, you could work on this difficulty a bit, now that you've identified it; I can see how my old psychotherapist might have been able to help you with it, perhaps just a little.

However, therapy isn't everyone's cup of tea, and not all therapists are as amazing as we need them to be.

 

[Strong Sad]

I am in an earlier part of this journey but can completely relate to this. I tend to be emotionally flat unless I feel I have acted inappropriately towards someone and upset them, that sends me spiraling and I dont cope well with that.

I have found at times though I am not aware of the emotions or how to express them that they suddenly break through. They seem to be there but i cant always process them. IE when my wife and step-daughter had a fallen out I feel to pieces because I couldnt cope with it, I didnt know the feelings were that strong until they were on the surface and I could not hold them in (which I normally can)

One nickname I have is the vulcan from those around me because I dont do emotions, I see that as a compliment, Vulcans are so much more predictable.

I am in an earlier part of this journey but can completely relate to this. I tend to be emotionally flat unless I feel I have acted inappropriately towards someone and upset them, that sends me spiraling and I dont cope well with that.

I have found at times though I am not aware of the emotions or how to express them that they suddenly break through. They seem to be there but i cant always process them. IE when my wife and step-daughter had a fallen out I feel to pieces because I couldnt cope with it, I didnt know the feelings were that strong until they were on the surface and I could not hold them in (which I normally can)

One nickname I have is the vulcan from those around me because I dont do emotions, I see that as a compliment, Vulcans are so much more predictable.

I am in an earlier part of this journey but can completely relate to this. I tend to be emotionally flat unless I feel I have acted inappropriately towards someone and upset them, that sends me spiraling and I dont cope well with that.

I have found at times though I am not aware of the emotions or how to express them that they suddenly break through. They seem to be there but i cant always process them. IE when my wife and step-daughter had a fallen out I feel to pieces because I couldnt cope with it, I didnt know the feelings were that strong until they were on the surface and I could not hold them in (which I normally can)

One nickname I have is the vulcan from those around me because I dont do emotions, I see that as a compliment, Vulcans are so much more predictable.

Yes! This is really similar to my experience! I have literally said in couples therapy “why would we talk about emotions? Emotions only cause problems! Can’t we just focus on what is real and what there is evidence for?” And the therapist never thought ... “hmmm...maybe this guy is a little spectrumy.”
I haven’t been called the Vulcan, but people presume I don’t care about them (or anything), and when this really blows up on me (it has ruined two very important relationships in the last year) I am devastated. I try to be all “guys ... I really care about you, I just struggle with this ****, you know?” And they are all “we’ve given you lots of chances. We don’t want to hear anymore apologies or explanations. You don’t make us feel good.” And I’m left with the horrible feeling that even when I am operating at max relationship capacity, I can’t make it work. Hurting people is the worst, not just because you have hurt someone, but because it reconfirms the thing you like least about yourself (at least in my case). And then I melt down. Fun times!

 

[Mia]

I have been accused of being cold and distant, even though friends and girlfriends have also said I was very loving and affectionate; I have to try to remember to put an expression on my face commensurate with what I know I'm feeling inside, because my face doesn't always automatically register what I'm feeling, and sometimes if I'm also thinking about something else in the back of my mind, my face accidentally reflects that instead of what's happening here and now.

I have been categorized as 'strong' emotionally by my family in the past. So what that means is I was given all the hard tasks: the bringing of the family pet to the Vet, to be put down after it was found close to death. The visiting of a parent and bringing them to a home for the elderly. Leaving me at the hospital with a dying relative, because I could handle it and they could not. All of this likely as a result of my facial expressions.

After awhile I began to look in a mirror to see if my face reflected what I was feeling at the moment and it did not. Then I began to practice making faces that I assumed were usual. Happy, sad, concerned, interested, pensive, annoyed, angry, thoughtful, wistful. It works now, if I remember to do it in time. It's still a facade though.

 

[Mia]

Like, who doesn’t like forgoing their emotional well-being to listen to me talk about myself and the multiple steps it takes to make a well-crafted latte? IT’S ALL ABOUT THE GRIND AND THE MICROFOAM.

That is so funny, a good friend looked after my pets when I was away on vacation. And I left him six page's of instruction on how to make perfect espresso and or cappuccino with my machine. When I returned back I asked him if he liked the coffee beans and he said no I didn't use the machine, the instructions you left seemed too complicated. So I went out and bought already made coffee every day, or I used instant. Instant I said! Yeah he said, I bought instant coffee. So it's sad, coming from a guy who spends most of his spare time studying physics.

 

[Michael Balog]

I can relate to everything in this thread. My wife always tried to get a reaction out of me at Christmas but when I don’t do anything they get upset so I have to fake happy and a lot of other expressions.

 

[Pats]

That's just it. We feel, we just aren't good at expressing it. I remember I used to stand in front of a mirror and practice smiling. And I always hated receiving gifts, but would try to pre-plan my reactions, although I'm not sure how convincing I was or am.

 

[Streetwise]

That is so funny, a good friend looked after my pets when I was away on vacation. And I left him six page's of instruction on how to make perfect espresso and or cappuccino with my machine. When I returned back I asked him if he liked the coffee beans and he said no I didn't use the machine, the instructions you left seemed too complicated. So I went out and bought already made coffee every day, or I used instant. Instant I said! Yeah he said, I bought instant coffee. So it's sad, coming from a guy who spends most of his spare time studying physics.

Think of it this way Stephen Hawking studied physics for 50 years couldn’t move a muscle

 

[leehart]

I haven’t been called the Vulcan, but people presume I don’t care about them (or anything), and when this really blows up on me (it has ruined two very important relationships in the last year) I am devastated. I try to be all “guys ... I really care about you, I just struggle with this ****, you know?” And they are all “we’ve given you lots of chances. We don’t want to hear anymore apologies or explanations. You don’t make us feel good.” And I’m left with the horrible feeling that even when I am operating at max relationship capacity, I can’t make it work. Hurting people is the worst, not just because you have hurt someone, but because it reconfirms the thing you like least about yourself (at least in my case). And then I melt down. Fun times!

@Strong Sad Yeah these can be really hard moments. I have had that once or twice. To be honest now I am really bad at keeping friends. When I move to a new phase of life I tend to lose contact with those in the old phase, if I had friends within it. Ie no contact with anyone from high school, college, old jobs. It's not that I cut them off, I just can't maintain them.

 

[Strong Sad]

@Strong Sad Yeah these can be really hard moments. I have had that once or twice. To be honest now I am really bad at keeping friends. When I move to a new phase of life I tend to lose contact with those in the old phase, if I had friends within it. Ie no contact with anyone from high school, college, old jobs. It's not that I cut them off, I just can't maintain them.

Yes. Exactly. It has been exceedingly rare for me to carry someone over from one stage of life to another, and if I have, it is likely that they have done the work (likely without me really noticing).