New girlfriend witnessed a shutdown

[OrangeSquash]

Hi all.

I wanted to share my experience of my first shut-down for a while which happened on Thursday of last week.

Just to set the scene: Limited sleep the night before, stressing about christmas, tax returns, social events, and all with more alcohol and poor food choices than usual...

I had a really difficult at my boring day job on Thursday, much more than usual. And I also had messenger going crazy with my gym colleagues all being unable to cover someone and me having to change my plans, cancel PT appointments etc. My day job is 9am – 2:30pm, and I got to about 1ish when my mind exploded. I spend the last few hours with my headphones on, with my leg shaking, answering the phone, taking a message which I had no plans to pass-on/action, trying to get through to 2:30 when I could get out of the office. I don’t remember leaving work, I don’t remember driving home, I don’t remember getting home, I don’t remember speaking to my girlfriend on the phone at 3ish, I don’t remember answering the door to her. My next memory is laying on my sofa with her, my headphones in, her stroking my arm and gently saying “its okay – your safe and its all fine”, my body was still shaking. Over the next hour I managed to come-to, and on WhatsApp I told her briefly what was occurring and she answered verbally. We ‘to’d and fro’d’ a bit like this for a while, I don’t remember much, but she said afterwards that I just seemed unable to speak – like I’d forgotten how to string words together.

She kissed and cuddled and loved me in a way that I’d never experienced before, and looking back I am completely lost for words on how grateful I am for this. She is a doctor, and has good people skills – but has no specific skills in dealing with people with austim that I know of. We had touched upon meltdowns/shutdowns in general conversation, but didn’t really discuss what to do in the situation, (I’ve never had a meltdown – just shutdowns) but she just instinctively knew exactly what do in this situation.

I assume that people can relate to my experience, this was a quite severe episode for me. Often id just feel the desperate need to listen to some music, and my leg often shakes, but to not have a memory of what was going on seems scary - especially as I was driving.

I'd be really grateful if people could share how their significant others deal with shutdowns and the like. Is it something that is discussed, in terms of what will help what will not help etc?

Thanks all

 

[Bolletje]

My boyfriend knows to leave me alone when I have a meltdown or shutdown. Previously he’d try to cuddle me and comfort me, but I don’t like being touched when I’m in that state and I’m not capable of communicating properly.
Now he’ll just sit next to me or somewhere in the room and I’ll initiate contact when I’m ready.

 

[Wolfnox]

Thats what i would need. Glad you found someone who could help that way.

 

[Juliettaa]

My boyfriend knows to leave me alone when I have a meltdown or shutdown. Previously he’d try to cuddle me and comfort me, but I don’t like being touched when I’m in that state and I’m not capable of communicating properly.
Now he’ll just sit next to me or somewhere in the room and I’ll initiate contact when I’m ready.

It's great that you found something that works for you @OrangeSquash

I am the same as @Bolletje . I need time alone and really could not tolerate how your G/F handled your shutdown @OrangeSquash

It's testament to how we're all different

 

[Judge]

Ditto. In the event of a shutdown, back away from the Aspie!

Yet in past experiences with well-meaning NT girlfriends, they always seemed prone to trying to be close to me physically and emotionally rather than giving me the space I really needed at the time. One of them usually figured that affection and sex could "make all things new again". Sometimes yes, and sometimes not at all.

Tragically I have to always add that at the time neither they or myself knew I was on the spectrum of autism. I didn't know how critical a sudden need for solitude really was. And that the absence of it hastened the demise of those relationships.

But hey...if such an NT response works for your brand of autism, this is good too.

 

[Aspychata]

Thanks for talking about this, it's tough to discuss and l don't know if someone l like goes through this. l am too frighten to ask them because l really am not given permission to enquire on such things. And l chose to respect their privacy.

 

[Aspychata]

Ditto. In the event of a shutdown, back away from the Aspie!

Yet in past experiences with well-meaning NT girlfriends, they always seemed prone to trying to be close to me physically and emotionally rather than giving me the space I really needed at the time. One of them usually figured that affection and sex could "make all things new again". Sometimes yes, and sometimes not at all.

Tragically I have to always add that at the time neither they or myself knew I was on the spectrum of autism. I didn't know how critical a sudden need for solitude really was. And that the absence of it hastened the demise of those relationships.

But hey...if such an NT response works for your brand of autism, this is good too.

I like that, brand of autism.
I must be the Chitty Chitty Bang Bang brand, highly obscure, dangerously *incontrol* most of the time, incapable of normal except for fleeting seconds in this lifetime. Or l could just be normal!

 

[Joopsman]

I do what I call "checking out" where I am still able to sort of function (similar to how you were in your account of your day). I live in deep denial about how bad I get when I am in this state of mind but I am coming to recognize some things that make it clear to me. It is a response to anxiety. I find myself doing stupid things. The other day I started taking a medication out of the bottle instead of out of the pill organizer that I use. I take ONE medication, ONCE a day, EVERY day and the dose is ONE pill. I use a pill organizer so that I can keep track of if I have taken it or not if I get distracted or whatever in the morning. So why I started to take my one pill directly out of the bottle, I have no clue, except that I was checked out when I did this. There are other mundane little signs like that to tell me that I am checked out. I know that I have experienced times when I do not remember things. What is bad is that if my wife tells me something important during one of these times, I will probably not remember it, even though I could seem like I heard her and understood. If I check out at work, I could have someone tell me something and likely not remember it. So what is a way to cope with this and to "check in"? I don't have a strategy yet, but I have tried short, guided meditations. It does seem to help but I can easily slip back into being checked out if I am stressed again. It doesn't seem to take too much to get me to check out either so I can go quite a long time being checked out, even as long as weeks where I am mostly checked out.