new aspie mom question

[Kristan]

I posted this somewhere....then I saw the parents section. copied and pasted below


Hey I hope you dont mind me posting here. I stumbled upon this forum while googling some info on Aspergers. My son is 8 and is up for a formal evaluation for Aspergers next month. His doctor and I are pretty positive that is what Caden has.

Here are my questions since his counseling doesn't start until January and I have no doctors to talk to until them.
Caden flaps his hands, wiggles his fingers. He can stop himself if I ask him to. He doe not do it in public or at school, he does it at night when he is relaxing and he does it while I blow dry his hair every morning before school. Is this something that I should stop him when I see it or just let him do it? I worry that he will start doing this at school and kids will pick on him.
He does really well in school as far as behavior and grades go. He is very sweet and well mannered and respectful. He has always been very sensitive to discipline. He rarely gets in trouble but when he does do something wrong all you have to do is get firm with him and his soul is crushed. I know he has one good friend at school and a little girl he likes a lot...so much that he looked her number up in the class directory and called her! lol That was pretty brave!

So should I be stopping the hand flapping and stuff or should I let it go. I think its pretty good that he has enough control over it that he only does it at home, I just dont want it to get to a point that its so normal to him that he is doing it everywhere?
And can someone please tell me how it feels to do that? It gives me anxiety just watching him do it, I cant imagine that being something that feel relaxing.

 

[unsurewhattoname]

Don't stop him. It is relaxing to him, even though it may not look it. He may find the blow drier too hot or too loud, or the feel may bother him (just my guesses), so that's his way of coping with it. It's called "stimming" and there is a lot of information out there about it.

 

[Judge]

I cant imagine that being something that feel relaxing.

That may be the first dynamic of autism you must grapple with, assuming you are Neurotypical. That there are any number of traits and behaviors we have that you might learn about, but cannot neurologically relate to as such. Just as we cannot necessarily process social protocols and other things which Neurotypicals are apt to take for granted.

In essence, our mental and physical processes can be very different than yours. Coming to this forum allows you to enter a world that most people "can't imagine".

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

I agree, definitely don't stop him! Stimming is very relaxing, and helps sooth strong emotions, whether negative of positive. If he is not doing it in public then it is not a problem, so leave him to it. Calling attention to it may actually make it worse, and trying to make him stop will just result in increased anxiety and stress.

As for how it feels... well it's hard to describe. The best way I can think of is that it's a bit like a pressure valve, when I feel anxious I flap my hands, and it vents the anxiety away. When I'm very happy or excited I skip backwards and forwards across the room (that one is embarrassing when I accidentally do it in public) and again it just balances things out to a manageable level, and helps my thought processes.

To sum up: leave him to it, it feels good, helps him cope, and is not causing a problem. Making him stop will probably just cause more issues.

 

[Rayner]

I wouldn't worry much about your son flapping his hands. That behavior may not be typical for most people, but it is for him. That's ok, I'm 17 have done that all my life, granted less as I got older as I replaced it with other coping mechanisms. I am Autistic myself like your son, Autistic people experience and interact with the world very different than non autistic people. While his hand flapping may seem bizarre to you as being relaxing , hand flapping is very common among autistic people to the point it's almost stereotypical. Personally I have a high awareness of my sensory input at all times, witch is good and bad. That might being one reason why his hand flapping is relaxing to him. As for kids picking on him at school if he does it, I completely understand why you would worry about that. My advice would be to teach him how to respond to bullies and to avoid them. He will have to deal with bullies his entire life, if not for himself for others. I was bullied my entire life for being my autistic self. I hope your son never has to go through that. I hope my advice helps

 

[Warmheart]

My name is Warmheart, and I'm a hand-flapper.
Your son is doing something fantastic-- he is self-regulating. Stimming (hand-flapping, rocking, foot bouncing, spinning, toe-tapping, hair-twirling, etc.) helps us re-balance ourselves. Flapping provides the proprioceptive input his brain is craving. He will do this for the rest of his life. Already, he is trying to do this mainly in private, but he should be encouraged to do this when he needs to. This is a natural way to self-regulate. It is responsible, hurts nobody, and helps him maintain his equilibrium.

Oh, and sometimes we stim just because we're happy.

The kids at school already know he is different. They will know it in his high school, college, and at work, too. It will be his job to learn to be happy with the identity of being noticeably different. Quirks? Own 'em! He'll value being himself, and that will mean valuing being different. His ASD provides gifts that bring many strengths.

How does hand-flapping feel? To me, it feels like this

Wheeeee!

Your son is hand-flapping to manage stress, to help focus, to self-regulate, to tackle whatever he's experiencing. You are doing the right thing to learn more, and to not worry too much about it. Stimming is good!



It's ok if you don't feel you can relate to how he feels stimming. Some experiences, and perhaps even some emotions, are simply autistic-specific. You and your son love each other, and have much common ground to relate on.

 

[Kari Suttle]

So should I be stopping the hand flapping and stuff or should I let it go. I think its pretty good that he has enough control over it that he only does it at home, I just dont want it to get to a point that its so normal to him that he is doing it everywhere?
And can someone please tell me how it feels to do that? It gives me anxiety just watching him do it, I cant imagine that being something that feel relaxing.

I've never been to a formal eval or seen a specialist but my very conservative, old fashioned mother is convinced i'm an aspie too. I think it fits. So idk how much my opinion counts seeing as your son has seen a specialist....but i agree with everyone above, don't stop him. I stim too but nothing as...blatant, i guess?...as flapping. I've always done things more akin to fidgetting - twirl a pen around one hand, play with a ring i'm wearing, etc. I know its not the same for everyone but when i'm nervous or overwhelmed by something its something of an instinctual urge. To be told not to do it would create even more anxiety than already present which would mean i wouldn't be able to focus on whatever it is i'm supposed to be doing at the time. Aspies sometimes feel things too strongly, and I'm one of those people. Stimming, somehow, on a subconcious level really, helps to regulate that and re-focus. Does he have any sensory sensitivities? I'm sensitive to sound, in particular, meaning that to me i hear things louder than other people do. All the time i'll want the tv turned down lower, for example, when to everyone else in the room its just fine. I just ask cause it could be a sensory sensitivity creating some of the stimming behavior.

So as everyone else said, don't ask him not to do it. Chances are, your son being an aspie, he's going to get teased and excluded whether he flaps or not so i wouldn't be too concerned about this one issue. He's gonna get judged and excluded by the whole world so he's gonna need nothing but love and acceptance from you as his mother. I know you wouldn't mean badly by telling him no cause as you said you only don't want him to get teased, but if he's sensitive enough that getting scolded is soul crushing, he could take getting told not to badly. I would suggest googling stimming, as well - though by calling it relaxing it sounds like you know a thing or two already. Maybe ask his doctor their opinion at the evaluation, as well? Since they've worked with your son they might have some ideas too.

 

[Häxan]

I am diagnosed with autism and have three children who two of them have autism diagnoses and one is being evaluated.

The motto in our home is Flappy = Happy.

If you start to oppress stimming you will eventually cause your child to develop issues like depression and anxiety.
You have to learn to accept his autism and not fight it, this is who he is, fight for his rights to be himself even if it is his stimming, he depends on you.

He depends on you to help him love and accept himself, he needs you to love and accept him so he can learn to love and accept himself. If you start to teach him that something so natural as stimming is wrong then you are teaching him that he himself is bad. Love and accepting, that is the key to a happy child.

 

[Nick12]

i say let him do it if it makes him happy