Neurotypical boyfriend not neurotypical after all?

[As sweet as-pie]

Hi,

I've been with my boyfriend for the past 5 years. I got diagnosed as autistic in 2017 but self-diagnosed in 2016. He didn't really take it seriously until I got my professional diagnosis, and after that, he did his best to understand and learn loads about it so he could be there for me. He's always been an eccentric. I've always joked that he's the most autistic you can get without being autistic. He did the aspie quiz a while back for a laugh and he got neurotypical, so I thought maybe he just was. But then...

When he's upset, he rocks and shakes his leg. He gets very very overwhelmed and freaks out (very much like a meltdown.) He thinks in black and white and if we argue once = everything's ruined.

He gets very fixed on a video game or whatever he's doing, which I know most people would say is just a guy thing but he won't pay me any attention until he's done with the part of the game he's playing.

He's also very obsessed with his guitar. If I tell him not to play it (because of my misophonia) he gets really upset and he just really wants to play it. I'd say it's very much his special interest.

He also has some echolalia and just quotes comedians out of nowhere, in their voice. I've always found this quite endearing...

When we go out, he's always very awkward and his eye contact is stilted. Even around his friends, he seems to be really anxious - eventhough he's not.

He's very bad at communicating how he feels and a lot of the time he says it's because he doesn't actually know. He has commitment issues but even before that, he always made a big deal about needing to be alone. I know I'm stereotyping here but tbh I relate to every part of this.

Tonight he had one of these "meltdowns" and I confronted him saying I thought he just had to be autistic. He told me that when he was a child he was in a special ed class and stimmed and made noises and the teacher told him to stop and asked if he was aware of it. Surely they would have investigated it? I have no idea.

Either way, something has happened so that now, he comes across as neurotypical to everyone apart from those that know him well AND know about autism - which is very few. Isn't it unusual for an autistic guy to pass so well and be so socially conditioned? He just did the AQ and got 31/50 which indicates "some traits = asperger's".

It feels like everything makes sense now... and of course if he is, I can't hold a grudge for anything he's ever done which is excused by him being autistic, but... is it possible for a neurotypical to stim and do all these things? Do neurotypical children make noises? I honestly have no idea.

 

[Thinx]

I think many people have high autistic traits and with this being a spectrum there's not so far many clear divisions apart from having a diagnosis or not having one,which is somewhat dependant on many factors. If your boyf is bright then teacher's may have preferred not to pursue the issues,the label isn't always helpful. Do you think he's embracing this idea?

 

[As sweet as-pie]

I think many people have high autistic traits and with this being a spectrum there's not so far many clear divisions apart from having a diagnosis or not having one,which is somewhat dependant on many factors. If your boyf is bright then teacher's may have preferred not to pursue the issues,the label isn't always helpful. Do you think he's embracing this idea?

Not sure. Probably not. There's a lot of misconceptions and honestly I feel like I'm projecting a lot. Imho there's no need for a diagnosis unless you have obstacles that only a diagnosis would allow you to overcome. He does really well so I doubt he'd need one - it's just good to know, you know?

 

[Thinx]

You may be projecting but you certainly noted a lot of relevant factors. I agree with you about diagnosis too. To me, having a somewhat different brain isn't something I should be diagnosed about, it's a different brain not a disordered NT brain.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

You may be projecting but you certainly noted a lot of relevant factors. I agree with you about diagnosis too. To me, having a somewhat different brain isn't something I should be diagnosed about, it's a different brain not a disordered NT brain.

I wholeheartedly agree.

 

[AO1501]

... is it possible for a neurotypical to stim and do all these things? Do neurotypical children make noises? I honestly have no idea.

My daughter is on the spectrum, but we only discovered that as a result of a uniquely problematic workplace which provoked very noticeable reactions from her for the first time.

Once it was known she was an Aspie, all the other behaviours and characteristics became clear and made sense. So it is certainly possible to go many years appearing to be NT, while really being on the spectrum, and the behaviours you describe are very familiar.

I don't think it is impossible for an NT to mimic Aspie behaviours, but it would have to be pretty rare, and while it is always possible he could be mimicking you, or pretending, I doubt it would be possible to keep it up for long at any given time, or be consistent. If you observe consistency in his behavioural patterns over days/weeks/months and the behaviours are as you describe, it is not unreasonable to conclude that he is on the spectrum.

NT children can make noises and perform behaviours similar to stimming. They are human behaviours founded on comfort-seeking. However, they would be expected to decrease and stop over time. The fact that he was in special ed, had, and has such familiar behaviours now, would strongly suggest an ASD.

And not all of us are socially challenged!

 

[Suzanne]

My husband also has me wondering and I have even put it to him that he could be on the spectrum, because he is very blunt and is passionate about subjects.

But, each time we talk about it, the end result is: no, he is a neurotypical and I conclude that every single human being has traits of conditions.

However, your boyfriend sounds too much like being on the spectrum.

Did he take the aspiequiz? When I took it at first, I got low points, although still considered an aspie. But the more I explored my behaviour and retook the test, the higher my score was. So, try taking the test together, if you have not and then, you can help him answer.

A friend of mine, is also like me in many ways and took the test, but came back neurotypical. But I still think she is on the spectrum, because we are in synic so much.

 

[Streetwise]

My husband also has me wondering and I have even put it to him that he could be on the spectrum, because he is very blunt and is passionate about subjects.

But, each time we talk about it, the end result is: no, he is a neurotypical and I conclude that every single human being has traits of conditions.

However, your boyfriend sounds too much like being on the spectrum.

Did he take the aspiequiz? When I took it at first, I got low points, although still considered an aspie. But the more I explored my behaviour and retook the test, the higher my score was. So, try taking the test together, if you have not and then, you can help him answer.

A friend of mine, is also like me in many ways and took the test, but came back neurotypical. But I still think she is on the spectrum, because we are in synic so much.

The community psychiatric nurse said autism is very common in Britain, we have one of the highest percentages per person in the world,Japan is Higher ,I'm sure the English have a higher percentage than other parts of the UK -I think because of the stereotypical eccentricity .
Scotland seems to suffer from muscle wasting diseases.

 

[Mr Allen]

The community psychiatric nurse said autism is very common in Britain, we have one of the highest percentages per person in the world,Japan is Higher ,I'm sure the English have a higher percentage than other parts of the UK -I think because of the stereotypical eccentricity .
Scotland seems to suffer from muscle wasting diseases.

Well they do eat a lot of Haggis up there, plus their men wear Kilts, I'd be no good, I don't have the legs for a kilt lol.

 

[Full Steam]

He sounds very like me.

I used to have two personalities, and NT one and an Aspie one when not at work and with people I could be myself with.

I'm much more like the stereotype of female Aspie. Maybe because my mum was the aspie, and my dad was very quiet but NT. Also had another two strong females who helped raise me, and I guess I learned the importance of fitting in, and then how to do it.

No way anyone would recognise me in my NT mask.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

My husband also has me wondering and I have even put it to him that he could be on the spectrum, because he is very blunt and is passionate about subjects.

But, each time we talk about it, the end result is: no, he is a neurotypical and I conclude that every single human being has traits of conditions.

However, your boyfriend sounds too much like being on the spectrum.

Did he take the aspiequiz? When I took it at first, I got low points, although still considered an aspie. But the more I explored my behaviour and retook the test, the higher my score was. So, try taking the test together, if you have not and then, you can help him answer.

A friend of mine, is also like me in many ways and took the test, but came back neurotypical. But I still think she is on the spectrum, because we are in synic so much.

He took the aspie quiz a year or so ago and got neurotypical. But the AQ said he suggests asperger's. I think most tests aren't failproof and so we have to go off traits/behaviours, it really is a massive spectrum.

Thanks for your reply.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

He sounds very like me.

I used to have two personalities, and NT one and an Aspie one when not at work and with people I could be myself with.

I'm much more like the stereotype of female Aspie. Maybe because my mum was the aspie, and my dad was very quiet but NT. Also had another two strong females who helped raise me, and I guess I learned the importance of fitting in, and then how to do it.

No way anyone would recognise me in my NT mask.

Yes it's quite weird. I thought it'd be odd that a male could mask it so easily like aspie females are supposed to do, but then again - I'm the opposite, I'm female but show all the traits of "male autism". Just goes to show, there's always an exception to the rule.

 

[As sweet as-pie]

He just did the aspie quiz and got this:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 105 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 105 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

It made me chuckle. Inconclusive.

 

[Full Steam]

He just did the aspie quiz and got this:

Your neurodiverse (Aspie) score: 105 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 105 of 200
You seem to have both neurodiverse and neurotypical traits

It made me chuckle. Inconclusive.

I failed the Aspie quiz.

I came out thinking that all the questions were wrong.