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Negative consequences from positive change. Can anyone relate?

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Jumpback, May 27, 2020.

  1. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    A couple things have happened in my short time on this forum

    (1). I’ve let go of a lot of anger and frustration from sexual assault issues. Someone really got the issue and various people here believed me and were sympathetic. That had just never happened before. So I am suddenly less angry at the world

    (2). I’ve realized through the realization that I am probably just autistic spectrum, that I screwed up things with my ex-girlfriend. I guess I just didn’t realize her communication style is different than mine and I expected her to be blunt and go on and on explaining why about things, because that’s what I do. I have realized that if I didn’t notice her small comments and so on, it wasn’t natural for her to explain like I would. I have realized that I should have asked questions. This is upsetting because she is a super sweet girl and if I just would have done this, I think we’d still be together and the nice life we had planned would be going on right now. See, girlfriend and my issues were far more about me and her family than me and her, I just missed that I just had to do certain things.

    So, before finding this forum, I was angry at the world and such, and this wasn’t healthy. But it was an identity and I had focus...a positive side of anger is that it is a narrow emotion that doesn’t leave much room for self-doubt or anxiety

    Now I am feeling a little lost without this identity and focus that anger gives

    Now I also have to quit drinking and smoking using suggestions I have got on here and start becoming a list maker and so on to overcome natural weaknesses with executive functioning to fix home based sales thing. But these are also all things that weren’t what I was doing before

    I mean I really am trying to fix myself, but it’s like my identity is one thing and I need to become another thing entirely.

    Someone on here mentioned that “the brain is a child.” I think that this is a very wise phrase.

    Like I want to get better adjusted and do good things and not bad things and not give up on life, but my identity and habits got completely backwards from what they should be, but they were an identity. And it’s like my brain is fighting me every step of the way. Like since I no longer have the old identity, there is even more confusion and stress, because now there is no identity.

    Just kind of wondering if this makes any sense to anyone or if anyone can relate or give input.
     
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  2. Giraffes

    Giraffes Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hi you post is very much where i'm at in life ATM the past three monlths have been like a rollercoaster of discovery for me and i think a contributing factor has been joining this forum where the insight and echo of experiences from others have enabled self exploration and acceptance of 'my part' and responsibility for myself and my life.My previous thinking lead to anxiety, jealousy of others, depression and a fixed mindset of advoidance and vulnerability, often expecting others to show understanding concerning my 'different way of being', or reasonable adjustments in jobs so i could achieve acceptance and retain that employment. As a 'people pleaser' i would do stuff for people and accomodate their needs way before mine as i had no sence of my own, what made me happy or even if i had the ability to 'be happy' or challenge myself to do new things without the dread and fear of my own and others judgements.
    In regards to your failed relationship maybe let this lovely ex know about your new thinking? about how you affected the relationship as it may 'validate' you in the present, i often renumurate on every small detail of interactions and end up sad and anxious, i feel it takes take to take on new ways of thinking and being, your strategies sound great to me i'm not trying to 'fix me' just accept and love who i am and forgive myself and others that have caused pain and discord in my life, remember 'the world is how it is' and not how we want it BUT we have the power and choice how we respond and react to things, sorry about the long post but your post could so be mine, and as we seem to be on the same page if you'd like to keep in touch so we have each other as support please let me know.
     
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  3. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    In regards to things you were saying, I mostly want to go back and start all over with my adult life, or even teen life, with this new found insight and do everything differently. Like, for example, for a little while, I had this job fixing laptop computers. I just couldn’t do it because it involved sitting still very focused on something I was not interested in doing. So they let me go. And I was mad at myself for not being able to do this. I just would not have even of attempted to do this if I knew about executive functioning issues with autism spectrum. But then other things, I should have been more of an asshole about, like my chances in life did really get messed up because my head got messed up from all the victim blaming for being sexually assaulted. I just would like to have had this insight so long ago. My perspective on myself and on others and actions has just been off as a result of not realizing that I am just a little different in some ways from others.

    My ex-girlfriend has a new boyfriend and her mom hates me. It’s impossible to fix at this point. I found the forum too late.
     
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  4. Rasputin

    Rasputin ASD / Aspie V.I.P Member

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    You will meet someone else, but you have to move on from this. Give it some time.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Addictions are a strategy for support that's got out of hand. You were handling alcohol by limiting what you kept in the house, that's a good strategy that got complex with the corona situation.

    I think you could benefit from more support, it's often our challenge, as we so naturally become isolated. If you had support you tend to have more hope and personal resources to work on what's difficult, so maybe focus on getting support ahead of too many demands on yourself. Therapy, a class, and interest group, Volunteering, work that's enjoyable all might be ways forward.

    Also, you have many great qualities, these are clear and you are proactive and reflective, and really striving to progress, this is the upside of who you are. We are all a mix, self awareness brings our attention to deficits we may feel dismayed by, but it's a huge step forward, because we don't then keep falling down the same holes in the road. Or if we do, we get out quicker. At some point we find a different and less potholed road to walk down, usually because we explored what we were up against and got help.

    Regrets are inevitable, but as you acknowledge the losses, the door is opening to new opportunities and people and ideas, and you are better prepared this time around.

    There's a great song by Tim Minchin, 'If I didn't have you, someone else would do', it's a brilliant response to the tedious idea that for some reason the person we have, or who left us or we ended with, was the only one we could ever be with, so now we're doomed kind of mentality. Life doesn't teach that. There's lots of great people out there, and you are even better equipped than you were when you met your previous girlfriend.

    Be kind to yourself, accept your weird and wonderful ways, and keep progressing. Step 1, find some support, and something you'll enjoy to do. It's 2 steps I guess, both important.
     
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  6. Jumpback

    Jumpback Well-Known Member

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    Just to give a little background, what I have been wanting to do for a long time is become a futures/commodities/stock trader. Mainly my focus was on using different expiration date options on the S&P 500 to take advantage of faster decay rates of options about to expire to make small profits by making adjustments if market stays within a narrow range and getting wealthy if the market plummets. I was very upset when the market plummeted during the virus and I missed this, which made me more hopeless

    I tried to do this while working a normal job, but that didn't work, because I needed to be able to do something when I was stuck at work. So I decided to sell things online to free me up from going to work. But then I try to do this with a friend from college and some weird things happen and he kicks me out and later kills himself

    So I threw things in storage unit quickly and sleep in Walmart parking lot and tried to sell things from storage unit. My ex-gf was the manager of this storage unit and she hated her job and felt trapped in it and was interested in what I was doing and we both really liked each other. So she takes me in and, really almost by complete chance, I found my almost perfect match at a terrible time. Like to her mom, I think it looked like I was just some useless homeless guy talking about things she had no idea about taking advantage of her daughter, but my girlfriend got it

    So, long story short, after girlfriend left, I have storage units and a messy apartment and I am struggling to keep all this afloat, and I don’t even really want to be selling things for a living. It was just a fun way to make enough money to move to becoming a professional level trader

    But I have become more and more and more isolated through this since I wasn’t going to a normal job. Now my girlfriend is gone and I am completely isolated and always am behind on bills with things about to be shut off and storage unit auctions and eviction notices and so on

    So I can’t even attempt to go out and meet new people because I don’t have time or money for this

    It’s crazy, a simple strategy to sell things for fun so I can trade has resulted in years of stress dealing with things and never even getting an attempt to trade and now being completely isolated

    I’m just thinking that I should just let storage units get auctioned off, even though are like $20k worth of items in them, just to be free from this thing that I don’t even want to be doing.

    So then maybe I can be free to do something which involves meeting new people and getting more social support as you suggest
     
    Last edited: May 28, 2020
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