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Discussion in 'Friends, Family & Social Skills' started by guitarandtattoos, Dec 12, 2018.

  1. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    I made the decision to cut contact with an abusive family who choose not to respect me or my boundaries. It has left me completely estranged with friends of family or even associates of family. I don't have anyone to talk to and no one reaches out to me.

    People who are not even involved have made judgment about situations and cut me off and say nasty things. everyday I'm quiet and recently I just started standing up for myself and people aren't use to it and hate it.

    I just want positive people in my life, people with healthy relationship dynamics. friends who want to spend time together and not for any malicious gains.
     
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  2. Lysander

    Lysander Well-Known Member

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    I went through a similar period in my life and I can't say I regret doing it. It's really hard pulling away from your family when everyone wants to crucify you.

    You know, people like to lament over having a family member with autism, but what they won't usually tell you is that some of them feel resentful. It would be nice if everyone could have a very noble and patient family who can let things go, but that's just not always the case.

    Enjoy having some breathing space my friend.

    My only advice is to choose your company carefully. Everyone has something to lose, or to gain.
     
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  3. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    @Lysander I think we can all be a little resentful about some situations, I know I am constantly frustrated with things being miscommunicated, my words being twisted and people treat me like I'm stupid.

    Sometimes I can be resentful towards others exaggerated intolerance but I also put into consideration it may be difficult to see or understand where I'm coming from sometimes so I just always speak my heart and truth or how I feel.

    Unfortunately in my family it has always been their explanation of things or the highway and no-one really takes accountability for their actions.

    What I've noticed is that I'm man enough to admit where I am wrong but others never admit their wrongs and its a stale situation I'm done dealing with and putting up with.
     
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  4. ftfipps

    ftfipps Well-Known Member

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    If I won the powerball I would take my riches, move away and never speak to my family again...They don't believe in me. They're just like all the other bovine simpletons in this world. I can totally empathize with having an abusive family.

    It is hard finding friends that aren't going to use you or vice versa. I used to have tons of friends but after high school and college, they were nowhere to be found. Up until a couple months ago, I had one friend. She talked about me behind my back and realistically jeopardized my life. You cannot say bad things about people and expect other people to be nice about it, like we live in candy land or something. I've never understood that. She was just like everybody else. Another drone.

    I hope the best for you. Find people that are educated and worldly. I worked with a nice girl who introduced me to her group of friends. I had 20 new friends instantly. When you have a group of decently well off, well educated, civilized people, everything is going to be better for you. Those kind of people will be more accepting of you.
     
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  5. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    @ftfipps I recently caught my mom talking behind my back. She is a big perpetuation of the gossip and hatred. Unfortunately, I still live at home as well and I feel she resents me. Also, had a relative say I'm dead to her and she implied I should kill myself. Along with physical death threats straight to my face from someone else in my family.

    At this point I'm very done talking and idc how uncomfortable others feel because that's how they make me feel everyday of my life. It doesn't help that I have a codependent relationship with my mom. She basically buys me booze because she never want to stop the nonsense or address real issues and now my drinking is another reason to scapegoat me.

    I have had real heart to heart conversations about my feelings and what hurts me and she gaslights. I'm homebound now again and I hope soon someone sees the situation for what it is and not blame everything on me. , Best Wishes
     
  6. ftfipps

    ftfipps Well-Known Member

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    @guitarandtattoos I live with my 66 year old mother that gaslights me all the time. Every time I try to have a conversation with her about problems I am having, she asks me If I have been taking my medicine. Like THAT is the answer to my problems. She talks bad about me behind my back to everyone...even random idiots walking their dogs down my street that she doesn't even know. Then the neighbors started spreading rumors about me and made me an outcast in my own neighborhood! My uncle on my mom's side was talking crap about me even back when I had a nice car, a girlfriend, a good job and I was in college. I don't even interact with him anymore.
     
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  7. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    @ftfipps thank you for sharing, I feel an overwhelming reassurance and it makes me feel a bit more at ease about things, I know that it can be tough to even admit these things and how they may affect you. Thanks for making me feel normal through these similar experiences.
     
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  8. Loren

    Loren Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Good on you, for eliminating negative, disrespectful people/ encounters from your life and making space for positive, healthy people/ relationships to take their place. Im sorry for what you (and ftfipps) have had to endure. I haven't been in your shoes, with regard to family, however, I, recently, took a stand against an abusive coworker and a new manager, and, respectively, have just been fired from that job, for not allowing my boundaries to be crossed. At this point, I feel an incredible sense of empowerment and, and a huge weight lifted off of me.

    I think I understand what you might be experiencing, as the result of you'r family-friends, alienating or ostracizing you, as it seems similar to an experience I had, that resulted from a toxic person coming into my life, and, respectively, doing a smear campaign against me, in the end. It sounds like you are handling things well, despite what you have endured. Good, quality friends are on the horizon for you, and I hope they show up, very soon. : ))
     
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  9. guitarandtattoos

    guitarandtattoos [Prog Intensifies]

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    @Loren thanks for providing more reassurance that we aren't alone in these situations. Sometimes I feel like since we communicate different or not like most and people use that as a way to make us look crazy and treat us poorly.
     
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  10. Otenba

    Otenba Maverick

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    Really feel for a lot of the people talking on this thread.

    I started distancing myself from family in the last two years because I realised I was trying way too hard to support several toxic relationships that took using me as a family scapegoat for granted. There's no actual diagnosis, and I doubt they'd seek one, but I'm convinced a certain member of my family has narcissistic personality disorder.

    Since then, it has been a relief that I have make the break, though at least one of my siblings and my mom made the effort to keep contact, and they confirmed exactly how I saw things. My sibling and I agreed in isolation who the "golden child" is.

    Mom is still very stuck in despite her awareness, while my sibling has made effort to keep a tolerable distance from family to keep the narc happy, as well as seeking help with dealing with the affects of the family psychological abuse. I've been trying to get help with this too but finding good MH services here has been rather fruitless.

    Allowing people who remain within the family dynamic to contact you will lead to feelings of conflict, dissonance, and guilt, but I have been reminding myself that they're all adults that are choosing to remain and I deserve better than to carry on the way I was. Distancing myself is for the best even if they understand but don't want me to break away. They deserve better too imo, but people need to choose to save themselves in most cases involving adults, like you have, but sometimes people do not want to be saved. You cannot force them to change.

    I've come to appreciate that the whole idea of family bring entitled to you and your time is a myth and protects toxic and abusive arrangements in a family dynamic. Pretty horrifying to think certain adults apply this logic to children to manipulate them. It can be very difficult to break from but it is worth it if things were never good. I wish I'd done it sooner than I have.

    Well done for making the break if you needed it. I wish anyone going though this the best in finding their new place in the world, and finding a new family, and to have the best Christmas you can manage. All the talk about family at Christmas recently really stings, but go back to reminding myself why I left the family which helps deal with the feelings of loss and grief.
     
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  11. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Moms. My mom and I were enemies while my kids were teenagers because she'd undermine everything I tried to do. She told people I was gay - I'm not. She told people I was on drugs - I wasn't. She told people I was taking from my kids and giving money to someone else - it took every dime I made to support my kids and didn't have money to give. But once my kids were grown and her health grew poorer from pulmonary fibrosis I brought her in and took care of her and glad I did. She never told me she appreciated me but I know she did - my sister wanted to put her in a nursing home and I know she didn't want that. My brother wouldn't come to see her - he excused himself saying he didn't want to remember her like that. When she died I hardly spoke to him. After my dad died they all decided we needed to make special efforts to stay close so they were all in closer contact. But that was a mistake because they're a bunch of jerks and now I have nothing to do with any - my oldest sister calls from time to time. But my brother - I told him to never speak to me again and I think my other sister is probably doing the 'as long as you're not speaking to our brother, I'm not speaking to you' thing. Or maybe it's because I called her a meddling attorney whom I can't be around. :)
    In my opinion families can be our worst enemies - partly because society says we have to remain family and "they are friends given by nature". No - they're enemies given by nature and because we believe they are friends they can destroy us quicker than anyone.
    Ok - just my opinion. Maybe I went off the handle a little bit. :)
     
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