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Need help with guilt

Discussion in 'Off Topic' started by Pats, Jan 27, 2022.

  1. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I do need some help with getting rid of guilt.
    When I left Georgia, I agreed to let my ex stay in the house as long as he made the payments and kept it up. The payments were much less than he could have rented, even a small apartment for. 99% of the time the payments were late and it was such a headache to still have to deal with him. So after about the first year I told him is he'd agree for me to sell the house I'd even let him have the majority of the profit, but he didn't want to have to move. So I just continued month after month having to deal with his late payments and just have to deal with him. A constant worry that he could just move out and I'd be stuck with 2 months back payments or more to keep the house to sell it. 7 or 8 years of constant stress.

    So a lady contacted me wanting to buy the house for her granddaughter because she was sick and would need help and it was next door, and she worked for a law firm who handled real estate so they could take care of the closing and all. I was thrilled and wanted them to have the house and my ex was talking about moving to Florida with his girlfriend anyway. They got a really good deal - could have gotten a better deal but they didn't try to go lower - and I made a profit.

    My ex thinks he should be getting 70% and I'm not sending him anything. I think I already did him a favor letting him live there for cheap for all these years. But, then he's a narcissist, so of course he thinks everything should go to him. I know I made that offer a long time ago - it was to peacefully get him out and get rid of the house, but he wouldn't go for it. Meanwhile all these years I've had to contend with him and his treatment, talking to me like I count for nothing. Statements like "Let me explain to you how the real world works, hon." All these years all my family has tried to get me to kick him out and sell the house, but I wouldn't because I told him he could stay there.

    I don't care about the money. Matter a fact, I gave each of my kids $5,000 each when it sold, for them to put away for emergencies or something. And the rest, I had my son put in a separate account for the kids to divide when I die. I've spent a few thousand just on some stuff I've done to the apartment - projects that I just enjoy doing. But I don't need anything. But I just can't get myself to give any to my ex. He would not hesitate taking money that would go to our daughter because he believes he deserves it. I was thrilled once the house sold and I would never have to talk to or be in touch with him ever again. I ignore his phone calls and tests and emails asking when he's going to get his money and I ignore it. I feel guilty, of course. Shoot I feel guilty if I'm visiting someone and their sink gets stopped up and they have to call a plumber - I feel like it's somehow my fault, or that they blame me. So I know I'm going to feel guilty over my ex whether I should feel guilty or not. He sold his house in Ohio and didn't split that. When I tried to get child support many years ago, he disappeared and I didn't hear from him until our daughter was almost 18. (I know - I should have let that alone tell me not to get mixed up with him). He would not give me a dime to help with bills and groceries when I was living there, even when his sister and her family stayed with us for a few months. I know I don't owe him anything, but he brings up my offer that he'd get the majority of the profit that I wrote in desperation years ago. No, it's not binding because it doesn't even mention that we're talking about my house. I'm sure he's talked to an attorney to see if he can do anything. But I'm not taking that money that will go to my kids and giving it to him. I just need to get rid of the guilt.
     
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  2. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh my! There is absolutely NOTHING TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT!

    You mention that you told him that you would give him the majority of the profit if he agreed to let you sell the house. But the question isn't about what you told him you would do but your standing as the property owner.

    Did he own the home in joint with you? Is his name on the title or mortgage? Did either of you sign a quit claim? Is your state a joint property state?

    These specifics will determine your libility for giving your ex any money.

    You really need to consult a divorce attorney about this matter. Don't let your spouse pretend to know the law. What he says is his legal right may not, in fact, be true. Don't let him bulley you into doing anything.

    If your ex does have legal claim to any of the money, better to deal with it in accordanace of the law. If he has no legal claim your attorney can send him a cease and disist letter that should get him off your back. Do nit fear the creep. He couldn't make payments on time so he is less likely to take legal acfion where he has no standing as it would cost him money he does not have.

    When I divorced my emotionally abusive ex he made all kinds of threats that left me feeling weak. Consulting an attorney was the best thing I did because he showed me how my ex could not actually carry out his treats.
     
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  3. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    No, he has no legal claim to the house. It's just the guilt. My first husband, when we got divorced I was just so relieved to get out that even when he asked for my rings back I gave them to him. And he was a drunk who ran around. I can't really explain what it is - maybe it's more a desperation to keep the peace. I go to all extents to avoid confrontation.
     
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  4. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Shoot! Actually, now that I said that @Suzette I'm thinking it is more a desperate attempt to avoid confrontation.
     
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  5. Suzette

    Suzette Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I just saw your other post about your health issues. I can see why you want to avoid confrontation. Go ahead and get a lawyer to send your ex a cease and disist letter. Just let them handle it all. Then never ever open another email or letter from your ex or answer his phone calls.

    At one time you made a "promise" to your ex based on the premise that they would move out. And you ment, move out at the time you made the promise. But they didn't move. That should be the end of the promise. They did not meet their end. They failed to meet the terms of the agreement. So you have done nothing wrong and broken no promises to feel guilty about!
     
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  6. Gerald Wilgus

    Gerald Wilgus Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    It sounds like that to me. He has acted like a feckless jerk towards you in not holding up his end of what was a generous bargain from you. He sounds like a user to me. I hope you think well of yourself that you need not empower a user that showed disregard for you. I agree with @Suzette that a lawyer is necessary to protect yourself. And, have no further contact with that person. You owe him no explanation.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2022
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  7. Forest Cat

    Forest Cat Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    You should not feel guilt. I had an apartment, didn't need it anymore but instead of getting rid of it I let an ex live there. She needed a place to stay for a while. She then didn`t pay the electricity bills, I found out about that much later, she didn`t pay anything, I paid the rent and she made so much noise that the neigbors called the police. And my name was on the lease, her name was not on anything, so everything ended up in my lap in the end. So much fun!

    That`s what you get for helping people. A lap full of problems. So much waisted time and headache.
     
    Last edited: Jan 27, 2022
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  8. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh, and you'd think we'd learn. My ex AND his sister nearly did me in. They are actually the reason for my heart condition.
     
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  9. Forest Cat

    Forest Cat Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I try to help people but sometimes I have problems finding the line between nice and stupid. I have made some problems for myself before because I tried to help someone. Good luck with everything, it sounds mighty annoying.
     
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  10. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes V.I.P Member

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    Boy- this ex has held you emotionally hostage for too long. That's what marriage does, it screws up our boundaries, and then the boundaries just dissapear. Maybe this about establishing boundaries with this individual who downplays your intelligence and may even prey on your weaken state health wise. Once he is out of the place, maybe just slowly start cutting contact with him?
     
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  11. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Oh,it took him a while to get out of the house. He actually tried to sabotage the sell of the house to these people and then left the house a complete disaster when he did finally move out. He moved out AFTER the sell - was trying to get the closing date postponed by not moving out but I told him the closing date and after that date he would need to deal with the new owners. :)
     
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  12. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes V.I.P Member

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    Oh boy. He knows how to be the biggest jerk on the planet. That wasn't surprising to read. Sounds like you managed it well. Maybe no contact at this point? Some of us have boyfriend or husband's skeletons like that rattling in our closet.
    Now l hang a lot by myself to stay free of users who can be friends or closer.
     
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  13. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    9E48BD30-C1FC-4D58-A187-35C11643C5FC.jpeg
     
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