Need help approaching therapy

[Gerald Wilgus]

I have said previously that my past has come back to haunt me in negative ways, and as I prepare myself to work on this with a therapist, I can use advice on how to approach this. The following is very hard for me to write.

My social issues growing up in the '60s and 70s:
Friends were always transactional. Never had close friends. Many never reciprocated, or abandoned my company once they gained mobility (parents bought them cars).
Did not take part in social events in HS and college. In Grad School tried to go to parties with other TAs and researchers but always felt the odd man out and small talk was excruciating.
Problems socializing; can never understand body language or emotional content, could never look people in the eye, would make indelicate or adversarial statements, disliked touch, even affectionate touch.

Relationships with girls/women:
Was nonexistent from 14 to 27 because of paralyzing social anxiety and shame at being inexperienced. This was really brought home when, at 20, an experienced girl at college propositioned me and I was so terrified by my inexperience that I deflected.
In social situations or in in public I can never notice if a girl/woman is interested in me.
Never "presented" well and dressed poorly (no money).
When attempting to talk about my isolation/loneliness the only message I received was "deal with it." I had no ability to understand what I needed to do. My mother once commented that she thought I was homosexual.
First relationship at 27 (when I was putting myself together).
A virgin until 28, a full 5-sigma beyond the average age for boys. This was especially a problem when acquaintences would regale me with their sexual exploits, especially seeing my social isolation. This made me feel damaged and worthless. I hated myself for my deficiencies.
I feel anger resentment and bitterness when circumstances remind me of those years from 14 to 28. I need little excuse to react cruelly to those who have had it easier sexually. I am afraid of exploding physically/violently.

Now, I want to resolve this because it negatively impacts my happiness and relationship with my spouse. However, I cannot accept what happened to me when isolated/lonely because that would mean having to accept it as legitimate and entirely within my control, or I would need to ascribe maliciousness to the people who noticed and did nothing. I am very experiential and recognize that entire normal experiences are missing from my life and nothing that I will do now can balance that out. My mind bends towards justice and I remain very tense and angry about an inability to achieve balance.

Your thoughts about how I need to approach this is welcome. It is very hard for me to open up this way.

 

[Amy Stone]

All I can say is I can relate to many of the things you experienced. I have a lot of trust issues based on how I was treated and that makes it hard to make friends today...which then spirals into loneliness and then depression. It all feeds on itself.

If you are lucky enough to have a therapist, then explain it just like you said here. If you can't...then copy and paste this into a word doc and hand it to your therapist. Hopefully s/he can help you from there.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I could easily see us becoming friends, seem to have a lot of commonalities, was married at 25 years.

 

[Neonatal RRT]

Brother from a different mother. It certainly was a different world back then.

I think the only things that are different for me, is one, I frankly just stopped interacting and caring about the people in my past,...and it did take me decades. I don't have a "rear view mirror" with regards to all the "should-a, would-a, could-a's" in my life, the regrets, etc,...it's a wasted mental exercise. We learn as we go, have what we have in the moment, we are who we are in the moment, and cannot predict our future. However, my eyes are forward and my foot is on the accelerator. Two, I was athletic and attracted females in my youth,...I still didn't and don't have a clue about any "signals",...but at least I had company.

Hang in there. You're not alone.

 

[watersprite]

1.Keep a journal with how you feel about the stuff (floabw) you wrote above.
2.What would you recommend to your imaginary son if he was going through the same?
3.Decide on a goal for your therapy - make yourself be specific.
4.At your appointment, tell the therapist what your goal(s) are.
5.You aren’t young and might need to approach this very differently than how your younger self would like.
6.We can help by listening & providing a virtual sense of companionship.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

1.Keep a journal with how you feel about the stuff (floabw) you wrote above.
2.What would you recommend to your imaginary son if he was going through the same?
3.Decide on a goal for your therapy - make yourself be specific.
4.At your appointment, tell the therapist what your goal(s) are.
5.You aren’t young and might need to approach this very differently than how your younger self would like.
6.We can help by listening & providing a virtual sense of companionship.

Thank you. Having a non-judgemental community helps tremendously. Sometimes I feel my issues are trite compared to the ills in this world (of which I can do little to correct).

 

[watersprite]

Thank you. Having a non-judgemental community helps tremendously. Sometimes I feel my issues are trite compared to the ills in this world (of which I can do little to correct).

Helping our selves be at peace and more loving helps the whole world even if we cannot see just how that comes about.

You’re welcome.

 

[1ForAll]

During those years of ages 14-28 I feel your mind, actions and reactions could not have changed much or at all, as you had no control over that. Everyone, whether consciously or not, acts in a way best for them at that time, based on what they see and how they feel. This does not mean they wanted to be like that at that time, but in your case, you needed to withdraw and be different even if it was perceived as flawed or not meeting your needs then.

Trying to be someone else, or to fit in better, or to get your desires met, your mind and body was saying that could not be done then. You likely thought more critiques or rejections could occur trying such, or you'd beat yourself up more then internally. So, in that regard, I feel you should not be too hard on yourself or others now, as you had no control over how others treated you then, as you were you then, and they have their own issues, and you could not change them.

My situation was very similar to yours, and for me it was up to my late twenties where I obsessed often about where I was wronged, where others had it better, and where I missed out on a lot. But, once I found ways to build up my self-esteem, worry less and think more positively, through my own daily attempts , I started not focusing on my past, and what others did different than me then, but on how those others had insecurities too, and did not necessarily have it better.

Just because persons have a social circle and had relationships, this should not imply a happier life. Some of those others could be trying to be someone else to fit in, or just trying to please because of peer pressure. In some sense, that could show weakness or lack of self esteem for them, too, to need others, or to change to make them happy. Peer pressure causes many to turn to alcohol and drugs, and their behaviors can change worse too from that, not just better.

The fact you went through lots of hardship is awful, yes, but you cannot change that. If not now, then after further efforts, try to see the past as no different from your present and future, as it always is just about learning and growth, to do the best we can at those times. Accept everyone goes through pain and you will not always see that. Find some good about your past, and often that is accomplished through getting into better healthier attitude and effort habits now.

I also told myself when I reached my early thirties: "You know what? I could have caved in to a few girls who showed interest in me then, when they flirted a bit with me and tried initiating dating. I was no where ready for sex, or any short term relationship then, much less longer, or children then. I likely would not have said no to any of that. I would have focused on pleasing them and where would I have been then?" Lots of responsibility to take on, when I was not ready for that.

Instead of hating my parents, I eventually visualized them as telling me what I always wanted to hear from them, but never had, "Despite everything we said and did son, and did not do, we loved you and please know you were a good kid. We did not know how to treat you better as we had severe conditions ourselves. We are sorry for all you went through, and still are struggling now. I am proud of you for trying your best now and for trying to find others that can show you more care." They are deceased now, so I focus on the good moments.

And despite my previous jealousy towards the others in school, college and university, I now hold no ill will, now that I truly and more naturally feel they could have faced many pressures then too, or did things they did not want to do too. A fallacy is that socialization means everything. To some yes, but to those who do not want to be that way, or who wish to be themselves, I see being extroverted or many relationships as no big benefit. There are good and bad in all people, situations, and what we see on the surface may not be an accurate portrayal.

In my case, I became so much wiser watching and listening to persons from a distance all those years, instead of going with the flow, but yes, I did not learn this until I hit my low point in my twenties and decided to find ways to change my attitude and efforts. I focused on helping myself, while others partied and had whether true comfort or fun or superficiality there. I started seeing the good to great in me, and feeling not anger towards the others, but relief I was different than them. I did not miss out much earlier on. It helped me become me.

 

[Aspychata]

What l like is there are so many from so many different parts of life here.

You need to release the past. As long as you are in the past- l liken it to a bird with a head buried in the sand. You can't see what is happening now because your head is buried. If you give yourself permission to release the past and embrace the new, you will move forward. You need to accept the socially awkward younger you and love them as another part of you then you can heal. We all have awkward parts of us especially being on the spectrum but at some point you need to forgive and love that part who makes you. Many authors are famous for going in and writing stories of those awkward but loveable characters we eventually morp out of.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

A lot of members here appear to have had to have had poor childhoods, I come from a fairly large family, we were each others friends, how many here were from small families?

 

[watersprite]

A lot of members here appear to have had to have had poor childhoods, I come from a fairly large family, we were each others friends, how many here were from small families?

This is interesting but kinda off topic, maybe start a new thread?

 

[Thinx]

I feel like it could be good to turn around what you are saying about your younger self, and see aspects of him and his situation that are going unnoticed. What do you like and admire about him?

I see that he coped in difficult circumstances and got through some very hard times. We can't make our past lives different from how they were, but we can maybe see what was great about how we coped when times were tough. Your younger self had strength and resilience and despite how hard it was, he made it through to better times.

Like @1ForAll said, getting into relationships before we are ready to handle the complexities of them isn't great either, and most of us with autism aren't ready at the time that's seen as normal for neurotypicals. We often can't do the social communication, including the complexities of sexual relationships, until later.

I hope your therapy helps, and it's great that you are going, especially because this issue is affecting your current happiness. It's never too late to process distressing material and be able to move on from it.

 

[VictorR]

I'm glad to hear that you're seeking help to find closure and move on, and emerge stronger, from a difficult period.

With that being said, and not to be rude or insensitive, but like many autistic individuals, I am very fact driven, and for

A virgin until 28, a full 5-sigma beyond the average age for boys.

I'd like to request a citation for that. I believe that this is a "long tail" curve situation.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

I'm glad to hear that you're seeking help to find closure and move on, and emerge stronger, from a difficult period.

With that being said, and not to be rude or insensitive, but like many autistic individuals, I am very fact driven, and for



I'd like to request a citation for that. I believe that this is a "long tail" curve situation.

The distribution is initially mesokurtic and is a typical Cauchy distribution where the estimate of central tendency is the median. Whatever process is generating the distribution, the presence of a long, low frequency, tail after a high frequency component is indicative of two populations.
NIST / Sematech Engineering Statistics Handbook.

 

[GadAbout]

In my opinion, it might be best for you not to over-prepare for your therapy. Just be open minded and genuine with the therapist. Let him/her do the work of structuring things (although you can always participate). You can just react in the moment.

 

[Aspychata]

If you had been a female, being a virgin until that age wouldn't be a big deal.

Being overly active might have been a worse problem. My relative told me she refused to aknowledge any more children from a family member because it was ridiculous after a period of time.

Perhaps you are punishing yourself for not living up to ?whose? standards?

 

[Au Naturel]

I have said previously that my past has come back to haunt me in negative ways, and as I prepare myself to work on this with a therapist, I can use advice on how to approach this. The following is very hard for me to write.

My social issues growing up in the '60s and 70s:
Friends were always transactional. Never had close friends. Many never reciprocated, or abandoned my company once they gained mobility (parents bought them cars).
Did not take part in social events in HS and college. In Grad School tried to go to parties with other TAs and researchers but always felt the odd man out and small talk was excruciating.
Problems socializing; can never understand body language or emotional content, could never look people in the eye, would make indelicate or adversarial statements, disliked touch, even affectionate touch.

Relationships with girls/women:
Was nonexistent from 14 to 27 because of paralyzing social anxiety and shame at being inexperienced. This was really brought home when, at 20, an experienced girl at college propositioned me and I was so terrified by my inexperience that I deflected.
In social situations or in in public I can never notice if a girl/woman is interested in me.
Never "presented" well and dressed poorly (no money).
When attempting to talk about my isolation/loneliness the only message I received was "deal with it." I had no ability to understand what I needed to do. My mother once commented that she thought I was homosexual.
First relationship at 27 (when I was putting myself together).
A virgin until 28, a full 5-sigma beyond the average age for boys. This was especially a problem when acquaintences would regale me with their sexual exploits, especially seeing my social isolation. This made me feel damaged and worthless. I hated myself for my deficiencies.
I feel anger resentment and bitterness when circumstances remind me of those years from 14 to 28. I need little excuse to react cruelly to those who have had it easier sexually. I am afraid of exploding physically/violently.

Now, I want to resolve this because it negatively impacts my happiness and relationship with my spouse. However, I cannot accept what happened to me when isolated/lonely because that would mean having to accept it as legitimate and entirely within my control, or I would need to ascribe maliciousness to the people who noticed and did nothing. I am very experiential and recognize that entire normal experiences are missing from my life and nothing that I will do now can balance that out. My mind bends towards justice and I remain very tense and angry about an inability to achieve balance.

Your thoughts about how I need to approach this is welcome. It is very hard for me to open up this way.

First, you need to accept that it was what it was and move on. That is what your therapist needs to assist you in doing.

Accepting it as "legitimate" is a meaningless statement. Like a storm that swept through, you had no control and it happened regardless of what you wanted. It is silly to be angry at a storm. Likewise, ascribing malice or thinking about justice doesn't get you anywhere. You were who you were and the people around you were who they were. You can't change that.

Oh well. It was what it was. Time to move on.

It sounds like you are hanging onto the past. You need to let it go and stop seeking blame and finding fault for everything. You simply got a bad die roll in the crapshoot of life. That is what you need to accept. It is nobody's fault. Becoming angry changes nothing except for poisoning the future.

I would suggest cognitive behavioral therapy.

 

[Aspychata]

Think writing here about how you felt is a very important step. It shows that you are aware you are angry, but it has no purpose anymore as you stated it interferes with your current relationship. This signifies that yes, you are ready to move on. Talking about a very personal experience here at this forum is a crucial step. Maybe you spent a lot of time in denial or burying these feelings of inadequacy- finally these feelings pushed up to the surface and forced you to examine them. Maybe something in your current relationship TRIGGERED this. But only you know for sure. Feelings of shame or guilt blaming or inadequacy can be reprogrammed and changed to feelings of accomplishment because you have the power to change your thought process. Every time a negative thought plays it's untruth, stop, say that's not true, and replace it with a great thought about you now.

 

[Giant Hogweed]

I

Your thoughts about how I need to approach this is welcome. It is very hard for me to open up this way.

What is normal? Your therapist, if suitable, will assist you to feel OK about being you. I had 12 years in therapy and it helped to have someone to talk to but all I discovered about me was done by me. You have the answers. A therapist will help you to be OK with you.