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Featured Need advise guys :(

Discussion in 'Love, Relationships and Dating' started by Uglytruth, Apr 18, 2019.

  1. Uglytruth

    Uglytruth Active Member

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    Hiii, I really need some advise about this crazy painful phase I am going through. I am married but was in a really abusive relationship, he moved out to a different state and as time passed I got really close to this another guy who happen to be an Asperger, he told me about it the first time we met.He asked me out and I couldn’t say no, he was really nice and caring initially and I never felt anything like that in a long time so I started falling for him.

    Our relationship was shaky from the beginning though as he didn’t want to commit and said wasn’t looking for anything serious. So I stepped back but he kept on asking me out and making plans to see me. But his feelings and behavior would always fluctuate and when I told him I want something stable he immediately decided to give it a try.

    It’s not even 2 days since he told me that he wants to be together and make it work and now he tells me he is not ready, he really wanted it this time but he feels depressed and wants to be alone like he used to feel before whenever someone would like him.

    This has left me feel really sad with low self esteem as he was the one who led me on and then rejected me when I got so intimate with him. I feel really sad and depressed and angry and don’t know what to do. It was such a big step for me to try it out with him and I got really attached to him and idea of being with him sounded so comforting as he would make me feel so good and in so many ways that my husband would never. I keep on thinking if it’s my fault that I drove him away, what could I have done differently.

    I am very emotional and this whole thing has made me so fragile and depressed. He says he cares about me but can’t be more than friends, why would he promise me a relationship if he had to be just friends ... I feel betrayed and lost
     
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  2. Pats

    Pats Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Aspie time alone is a priority. An intimate relationship requires more time. It sounds like he wanted to give it a try but he's just not there yet.
    When I was still married I switched to working weekends because working Mon-Fri, I was busy working all week and looked forward to my weekends, then he'd end up wanting us to do this and that and he was using up all my weekends. So when I switched to weekends, I had the week days to myself while he worked and on weekends I worked. Our alone time is probably the most important thing anyone can give us, or that we give ourselves.
    Sorry about your abusive marriage. You probably need a little more support right now than an aspie can give you.
     
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  3. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I'm confused. Are you married to the Aspie? Or you're married to an abusive guy who went to a different state? Permanently? And you're still married? Or he left temporarily? And you're cheating?

    Confusion aside, you couldn't have done anything differently. He enjoys his solitude more than your company, and that has nothing to do with you. I'd say to move on.

    And you're only 24 and were married and now want to be in a serious relationship again. What's the longest time you've been single?
     
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  4. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    If you are still married then you aren't available to be in a committed relationship with anyone but your husband, until you get divorced.
    Aspie guy hasn’t betrayed you by realizing he isn’t ready to be in a committed relationship with anyone right now. What else could he do? Pretend to be happy every day? You wouldn’t want him to go through that.
    It’s understandable that you feel depressed and fragile, but you can’t blame Aspie guy for how you feel, it’s your responsibility to deal with your own feelings.
    Your first step is to get divorced from the abusive husband and then your second step is to heal from the abuse.
     
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  5. Suzanne

    Suzanne Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    When he was up front about having aspergers, I am guessing you just accepted, without even thinking too deeply, due to your feelings, whereas if you had researched aspergers, you would have a better understanding as to how you can connect or whether you CAN connect.

    He feels overwhelmed. Expressing emotions are extremely difficult and so we tend to shut down, because of over stimilus.

    Being broken, as you are, you honestly need to sort your own emotions out, before expecting another to take your emotions on board, when they have a hard to dealing with it, to begin with.

    I understand how you feel regarding being in an abusive marriage; as I have been in one too, but things have gotten a lot better and he appreciates that he needs to control his emotions and what helps is if one can calm the flame of anger down.

    As harsh as it is, concentrate on solving issues within your marriage and you never know, you might find yourself falling in love with your husband again.
     
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  6. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member

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    I wouldn't feel you've done anything to create this situation of him backing off.
    As the others here have said, we have a difficult time with expressing emotions and
    a serious commitment seems too overwhelming.
    I have truly cared for a couple of men, but, not to the point of making a life with them.
    Pretending to be happy everyday is how I always felt it would be to live on a daily basis with someone.
    I'm living with a man currently in a non-romantic relationship and I still can't or don't want him to
    see me express emotions such as anger, sadness, anything he might consider a weakness.
    I can't seem to get enough time to myself even though we share a large house.
    When he isn't home I feel a freedom to be me that I need.
    We can't expect a non-aspie to understand this need for time alone. It gets complicated.
     
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  7. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    People lie, especially when it comes to relationships.
     
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  8. paloftoon

    paloftoon Well-Known Member

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    I think the aspie person is having a hard time expressing that he only wants to have romantic fun with you and not be in a committed relationship. He backed off because you're confusing his signals for wanting to be romantically involved. It sounds like he was actually clear with you from the beginning that he only wanted an fwb type relationship and to not become more serious, but maybe he was not able to articulate that well is all. Based on my interpretation of your initial chat post, I don't sense the aspie was lying at all. Rather, there is a misunderstanding on nuances on what is acceptable to different people in the dating world and what one can look for. You might not be interested in having fun on the side and only want to build for commitment or platonic. It is good to express and talk about these in the beginning to minimize confusion. Depending on context, let it happen organically. It doesn't have to be completely organic because you don't want to put up with unnecessary BS either. Each person and situation and context can be very different. Feelings can change and be illogical from anyone including ourselves! Good luck!
     
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  9. Uglytruth

    Uglytruth Active Member

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    Thank you for reading my post and responding. This really helps.
    I understand and know that I should have known better before getting myself into this, but trust me I was cautious and I would have never initiated this if he didn’t pursued. What saddens me the most is it came from his side to try to make it work, he asked me to sleep over which was a big deal for me as I haven’t been with anybody else but my husband and then 2 days later he tells me he can’t be more than friends. More than everything I am angry at myself for trusting someone and getting hurt all over again. I had a really difficult time building myself up piece by piece when my marriage turned abusive, so this incident has left me even more vulnerable and I feel like I have lost my self respect. He wants to be friends but I don’t know if I could do that as some part of me feels lost and betrayed. I am emotionally over my husband but the thought of divorce makes me very anxious. I thought if I meet someone who could treat me right may be I could make the decision of ending my marriage. I know it sounds stupid but after a long time I felt so happy.
     
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  10. BraidedPony

    BraidedPony Just Enjoying Survival V.I.P Member

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    I dont think Aspie guy betrayed you. Men will pursue you and want to sleep with you, and of course you are going to want to sleep with them. But it isnt a guarantee that it will turn into a relationship, even though it feels like it will at the time.
    Its better to have a relationship first, then add the physical intimacy later.
    You need to make the decision to divorce or not divorce completely separate from any relationship! Its between you and Husband. Dont wait for someone to "save" you, do it yourself. It will make you a stronger woman and a better partner someday for the right man.
     
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  11. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    Sounds like naivety is involved.
     
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  12. the_tortoise

    the_tortoise Lost Soul V.I.P Member

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    To lead someone on implies deliberate manipulation and withholding of truth....based on what you have said he could just as easily have been over-estimating himself, or impulsively agreeing to do something before really thinking through what it would require from him.

    It sucks, but it's not necessarily malicious or planned/deliberate. Sometimes things change for people -- their feelings or what they want changes -- sometimes people don't think things through, sometimes people don't assess themselves accurately.

    I doubt it's your fault, sometimes people just want/need different things.
     
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  13. tducey

    tducey Well-Known Member

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    I think everyone has different expectations when it comes to relationships. Find someone who has the same expectations as you and things should be fine.
     
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  14. AloneNotLonely

    AloneNotLonely Well-Known Member

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    He lied to her so he could have sex with her. If that isn't betrayal then what is? Only the lowest of the lowest garbage will lie to someone in order to get sex.
     
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  15. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    I don't think it was established that anyone lied, but even if he did, if someone you barely know lies, I dont see how that can be surprising or a betrayal. If being lied into sex is hurtful for someone, it might be a good idea to wait longer and get to know them to the point that you can reasonably trust them. I got to the point where I assumed their declarations of attachments and deep feelings were lies and just went along with it.
     
    Last edited: Apr 19, 2019
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  16. Uglytruth

    Uglytruth Active Member

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    Thanks for your reply. I had so many questions on my mind so I spoke to him today. He just did not want to talk about relationship anymore and I don’t know what’s wrong with me I kept on hoping and wanting him to say that he will try to work things out, he made it very clear that he doesn’t want me enough to have relationship.. it’s just sad but true. When I asked him why would he kiss me or spent the night with me he said he loved the time and it’s because I never resisted. I feel so bad it’s like he doesn’t care about me at all. He kept on saying that in our next relationships we should try not to rush things and take it slow as if he is ready for the next, this just broke my heart as I had the slight hope that he would want to work things out. He was in a long term relationship before for 3 years and had to go through therapy when he broke up as he was too much attached to her. I keep on thinking if I was good enough he would try for me the way he did for his ex for so long.he is the only guy I trusted after a long time but I feel he broke my trust ... i don’t even now if he realizes. I feel so bad every minute but I have decided to get past through it and move on..no matter how hard it’s gonna be I will be strong.
     
    Last edited: Apr 20, 2019
  17. Fino

    Fino Alex V.I.P Member

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    How long have you known him?
     
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  18. BlueSky Aozora

    BlueSky Aozora Well-Known Member

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    I feel bad for you. Are you sure you want to be with this guy? And think about it.. in high probability, he might not change.

    It must be very painful to deal with this.. Do you have any other friends/family that you can hang out together, in the meanwhile? Please try to rest, travel or do something else..
     
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  19. BlueSky Aozora

    BlueSky Aozora Well-Known Member

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    I suggest stay away from this mess: cheating, on top of that with a guy who dont want to commit...

    Can you get out of your abusive marriage? Or at least do good things that you like.. Hang out with close family...
     
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  20. RosaViolet

    RosaViolet Well-Known Member

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    OP it is clear from your post that you are having a hard time dealing with your emotions and recovering from the abuse. It takes time to make a transition from one relationship to another at best of times. You probably heard of relationships on the rebound. People sort of latch onto a new partner for support and to heal, but deep inside they are not ready to the new relationship. They are dealing with the previous one and not really invested in the new partner. Such relationships often create more problems than they solve for both individuals and go on to be broken and dysfunctional..

    Recovering from abuse makes it much more complicated. Abuse victims often have very specific set of psychological factors, self esteem is one of them, the ability to recognise and assert one's need is another. These problems need to be addressed in order to prevent the pattern of falling from one abusive relationship into another, as it is often the case. Abuse victims are not functioning well emotionally and psychologically on the inside. They need time, process and support to recover and rebuild themselves.

    Being reliant on another person to manage one's emotions and identities is part of the dysfunctional pattern that makes people prone to abuse.

    Do you have access to any support structures, you family? Could you contact any woman support organisations that could advice and provide some support and resources recovering from abuse? Perhaps some counselling / therapy?
    You need a dedicated support at this stage, not necessarily another romantic relationship.

    I am sure your aspie really wanted to give it a try and to do his best. I would believe him saying he cares about you and wanted to be engaged romantically. However it is a testimony to his respect and care for you, and his self insight that he recognised the complexity of the situation and told you openly that it is not the right time for him to be in your life. It would do no good for either of you.

    Divorce if of course the other point.
    If you husband is abusive, you certainly need to separate and divorce as soon as possible, certainly not to go back. That would just prolong the cycle of agony. Please try to talk to some advice charities.
     
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