My PTSD story

[Pats]

This has never been a secret, it was all public knowledge at one point, so I'll share with you a past that will always be in my present. (I'll try to keep it short)
I was in my early twenties when I met Jim. Swept me off my feet the first time I heard his voice). Smart, charming, cool and complete opposite of my first alcoholic husband that ran around from day one. He wasn't even that interested in sex, which was appealing, after my first marriage. I had my 6 year old son with me - given full custody from a court in Tx where we got our divorce. We get married and I take my son and visit my family in Va., also where my ex lived. While there my mom's neighbor warns me that my Ex was going to have me served for custody (because I got married and he said that he wouldn't allow that) and, even though he wouldn't get custody, it could prevent me from going back home for months or years while it's in court. So I immediately leave with my son and go home.

Jim tells me we have to move due to some people (mob involved) were looking for him and we couldn't be able to tell anyone where we move to. I call a couple attorneys to make sure I'm not in violation of anything by not letting my ex know where we are, and they both said the way my divorce decree read, I wouldn't be doing anything wrong. And my ex had before tried to keep my son from me because I was seeing someone else, and even though he was re-married and now running around on her, I wasn't allowed to date even.
So we move to Arkansas. Jim actually worked for Hilary Clinton's law firm at the time - serving papers and stuff.

I wake up one morning and have this terrible feeling in my gut. I didn't want to send my son to school and was begging Jim for us to move NOW. Didn't know why, just something terrible was coming. But Jim convinced me to send my son to school. I'm out running errands and call home to see if Jim wants me to pick anything up before I come home and he tells me that a police officer stopped by looking for me and maybe I should just stop by the police station to see what they wanted. I did. When I told the lady at the front desk my name, it's like everyone stopped and looked at me and I'm thinking, this can't be good. (okay - writing this I'm shaking). An officer takes me into another room and shows me a paper and all I see is my ex's name and my son's name and that' all I could comprehend. Next thing I know they're going through my purse - female officer kept saying, she's not a criminal, she's just a mom. They go through the whole process and put me in a cell and I'm told that I can not make my phone call until my ex and son are out of the state.

My ex's mom was rather promiscuous and friends with a lot of attorney's and judges in the town in Va. where they lived. Papers were drawn up stating the my ex had custody and they had charged me with kidnapping. I was like a caged lion - they had take n my son and threw me in a cell and wouldn't let me talk to anyone. The next morning, Jim and our attorney friend got me out and our plans were to go back to Dallas to the judge that granted the divorce and get my son back.

My ex didn't show up to court but a lawyer was there for him. The judge said she would re-set a date for the next month and he better be there WITH my son. After court a man came up to me (I had already sworn in giving my name). He said he was supposed to do this before our names were called in court but he knew it was to make me lose by default of not being there and he wasn't going to do that to me, but he was there to arrest me for an insufficient funds check - that I wasn't aware of. So if I was in jail when my name came up in court, I would have lost by default. The next courtdate, I did lose by default by not being there.

continued...……..

 

[Pats]

One afternoon I had been at the law library looking up cases for my attorney. Dress, heels required. I'm driving home and I see a police car parked on side of the road about half a mile from the house, so I drive to a pay phone and call my attorney friend, who says I'm being paranoid. So I drive home and now there are 4 police cars parked around my house and police looking through trash cans and everything, so I keep driving and go back to the pay phone. My attorney goes to see what's going on and has me go to his house to wait.
Apparently they had dug up stuff on Jim. (He is now also aware of the situation and he's hiding). My attorney friend comes and he's in the other room on the phone. When he comes out he tells me that the police on on their way to pick me up - they had rescinded my bail and were planning to take me back in and hold me until Jim turned himself in, which I somehow knew would not happen. He said they had taken the dogs, confiscated everything in the house and my car (which I had left parked) and were on their way to pick me up and put me back in jail and I basically had already lost the case in Tx because they were not going to let me leave Arkansas to go for the court date and my only two options were to either stay and let them pick my up or leave.

It's already dark, Jim's car is parked at a Krogers maybe 1-2 miles away and it was drizzling rain which made it hard to walk in heels because my heels kept sinking into the ground. I hid behind trees and bushes as I tried to make my way to Jim's car. At one point a police car stopped and was shining a spot light around and I was hiding behind a bush. The light was shining on the bush and I was just about to step out with hand up when he drove away. I made it to the car and drove in circles - Jim saying at one point he saw me drive past the office building where he was hiding and a police car very close behind me and I had a tail light out and he knew for sure I'd be stopped and didn't know how it happened that I wasn't. But the next morning I pulled up to the building where Jim was and picked him up and we drove to the bus station in Memphis Tn. After we crossed the state line Jim told me that I now would be wanted to interstate flight and if caught, Id' be years in jail trying to fight my case. By the way - I was pregnant at the time.

So for the next few years, I spent hiding with my baby while Jim drove a truck. He'd call me and tell me something like seeing a wanted poster, so we would have to move. We moved around a lot. He'd send me to the library to get information that he would use to change his name. I had another baby - a baby girl.

I had come home from being out to get diapers and a man pulled up. He was asking me questions about the name of who Jim was last. I know my face was on fire and I was lying and denying and scared to death because Jim had always told me that if I'm ever caught I would lose my babies. So when the man looked inside the car at my baby girl and asked how she was doing since her birth in Bozeman (yep that's where she was born) I just panicked and was now in crazy mode. He said he was leaving and driving to the police station and would be back with the police. I'm thinking - okay, you're an idiot. So as soon as he pulled away I grabbed the dog, jumped in the car and took off, not knowing where to go, just driving through that day and night.

So back with Jim and we're in his sister's cabin in upper state New York trying to decide what to do. I'm now at the point that I can't even look at my babies without falling apart because all I could think was that when they take me, they would take the kids and not only will they never know me, but they will never know each other. So I finally look up and tell Jim, "I don't know what you're going to do, but I have to get closer to my mom so when something does happen, at least she can get the kids." He said to me, "Don't ever think you can hide from me." I said, "You don't scare me any more, I gotta take the kids where I know they will be okay." He let me go.

Months later, Jim is apprehended. Later on I AM also caught - but the police was kind enough to wait for my mom to get home from work before taking me in. (We were in Ohio at the time - me and my mom). They were actually apologetic when they arrested me. They release me on my own recognizance that I would agree to go to Montana and face charges there. Of course in Montana, they were upset trying to fight that because I was known to run and they never expected me to show up but I did. I spent a month talking to the FBI and helping them put together their case against Jim, at the time known as the 'million dollar scam man' in Montana. Showed up for my court date which was postponed until the FBI had finished with me and all charged everywhere were dropped and I was able to move to NC, where my oldest son was living with his dad. Jim spent lots of time in jail in a few different states, then once released, spent some time in Federal pen. I'd get letters from him reminding me to never try to hide from him because he would hate to see the same thing happen to our kids that happened with my son. I knew what he meant.

And this man who I always feel is the love of my life, I realized, thanks to some of you, is not, but the Stockholm syndrome thing. He was all I had to count on and protect me, even though the FBI kept telling me I was the biggest victim of all.

So are we, on the spectrum easy targets and prey - I would say so.

 

[Pats]

Oh and the son I was cheated out of years with is the one I live with. He has nothing to do with his dad and he takes really good care of me. Now, I will go do something so I can quit shaking.

 

[Wolfnox]

Hope your life is peaceful from now on.

 

[Mia]

Wow Pats, you've been through some absolutely incredible things.

 

[Pats]

Hope your life is peaceful from now on.

thanks - that's why I do like boring now. Now's good.

 

[Pats]

Wow Pats, you've been through some absolutely incredible things.

Love it!!!!!

 

[Streetwise]

Reading Hebrew that this transliterated if you can’t read it untransliterated is supposed to be healing for the mind ,look up transliterated Hebrew .

 

[Bolletje]

Holy .... @Pats. You’ve been through it. You deserve a peaceful life with your dogs and your family.

 

[unperson]

mm, great story!

 

[Aspychata]

Omg. Write a book. This is a incredible story and you are such a survivor. The true stories are so amazing. Have you ever talked to any agents about this? Or are you so happy that the end of it has been over for so long? You did such a great job of taking care of your babies and not losing it. Sometimes l feel without my daughter, l wouldn't have survived what my ex ran on me. It's our mother's instinct to protect our young.

Sometimes l feel females are cursed
We can through many lifetimes of the most unbelievable universal fan of crap landing on us. Maybe it's not so much spectrum, it's just being female and those dynamics.

 

[SusanLR]

It could make a great movie.
Sure hope you find peace the rest of your life.
Bless.

 

[Suzanne]

No wonder you have ptsd is all I can say.

In truth, just reading your story, sounds like something out of a movie ( we brits always had America films to watch).

Have you tried writing a book? I am in the process of doing just that, and it has put a lot of answers to questions that I had.

 

[Pats]

No wonder you have ptsd is all I can say.

In truth, just reading your story, sounds like something out of a movie ( we brits always had America films to watch).

Have you tried writing a book? I am in the process of doing just that, and it has put a lot of answers to questions that I had.

Actually I have tried, in the past, but it's too much like reliving it. I've got a lot written out in my attempts, but if my son wants to go further with it later, he can.

 

[tducey]

All I can say is I hope things go better for you from now on.

 

[Aspychata]

Pat- it's great you are telling it again. Everytime you tell this, you bring a little more peace to yourself. l have gone back and examined why l felt that this person was safe. What signs did l overlook? I realised l mistook the biggest red flag, lack of emotion. Later l realised this person had zero zero zero empathy. That is scary. Looking back if this doesn't trigger you, what signs did you overlook? Would you call him smooth at this point in all of his social interactions? Did you feel he love bombed you?

Finally treating my PTSD. It was scary to admit l actually have this but l am finally working on it 5 years later from divorce, because l have finally learned to deal with gaslighting. My biggest breakthrough is not attaching emotion when l am gaslighted otherwise l can't move forward.

 

[Pats]

Pat- it's great you are telling it again. Everytime you tell this, you bring a little more peace to yourself. l have gone back and examined why l felt that this person was safe. What signs did l overlook? I realised l mistook the biggest red flag, lack of emotion. Later l realised this person had zero zero zero empathy. That is scary. Looking back if this doesn't trigger you, what signs did you overlook? Would you call him smooth at this point in all of his social interactions? Did you feel he love bombed you?

Finally treating my PTSD. It was scary to admit l actually have this but l am finally working on it 5 years later from divorce, because l have finally learned to deal with gaslighting. My biggest breakthrough is not attaching emotion when l am gaslighted otherwise l can't move forward.

Well, actually that's part of the problem. I never had a problem with him personally - he treated me very well. My problem is the things I went through while with him. He still treats me with respect and has never allowed anyone to speak ill of me and so on. But he's also gay - which I learned later on, too. But anyone who meets him likes him. But, at the same time I know that I was basically used for his 'backdoor' so to say. If anything happened, it would happen to me first and he could flee. He's very confusing. I could get away with things that others would never hear from him again if they said those things to him, which makes me feel I mean more to them for some reason. Of course, I'm the mother of his children. I can miss him and not want to see him anymore.
I say he's a sociopath because he fits all the traits - genius, charming, loved by everyone, no real attachments (though he can convince you otherwise) and no remorse. And when he ever came around to see the kids I was always part of it. My mom usually was, too, when she was alive, she'd talk bad about him but would be as anxious as anyone to see him. But, I was his go-between with the kids because he didn't really have any kind of connection with them, and I also wouldn't have trusted him alone with them, but also enjoyed seeing him, too.
It's any loss with my kids that throws me into the PTSD or reliving the being put in jail after being told my son was just taken from me. Jim was all I had to hang onto during all that and that's how I can't help but see it. No one else knows what I went through but him. Even though he was part of the cause. Feels very confusing.

 

[Pats]

Pat- it's great you are telling it again. Everytime you tell this, you bring a little more peace to yourself. l have gone back and examined why l felt that this person was safe. What signs did l overlook? I realised l mistook the biggest red flag, lack of emotion. Later l realised this person had zero zero zero empathy. That is scary. Looking back if this doesn't trigger you, what signs did you overlook? Would you call him smooth at this point in all of his social interactions? Did you feel he love bombed you?

Finally treating my PTSD. It was scary to admit l actually have this but l am finally working on it 5 years later from divorce, because l have finally learned to deal with gaslighting. My biggest breakthrough is not attaching emotion when l am gaslighted otherwise l can't move forward.

Tell your story if you'd like to.

 

[Streetwise]

Pat- it's great you are telling it again. Everytime you tell this, you bring a little more peace to yourself. l have gone back and examined why l felt that this person was safe. What signs did l overlook? I realised l mistook the biggest red flag, lack of emotion. Later l realised this person had zero zero zero empathy. That is scary. Looking back if this doesn't trigger you, what signs did you overlook? Would you call him smooth at this point in all of his social interactions? Did you feel he love bombed you?

Finally treating my PTSD. It was scary to admit l actually have this but l am finally working on it 5 years later from divorce, because l have finally learned to deal with gaslighting. My biggest breakthrough is not attaching emotion when l am gaslighted otherwise l can't move forward.

have you ever heard of how you get rid of panic attacks because of perimenopause? ,I’m back to being hyper vigilant again with another difference sunlight causes hypervigilance
I will wait months if I try to get therapy with the NHS