...I'm not sure how much I mentioned about why I've been in the hospital (for over two weeks now). My kidneys finally totally collapsed and I was set up for dialysis, that's why. I guess I'll have to have it the rest of my life for hours weekly or did soon after stopping it, a doctor said.
If that's necessary, that's necessary, but, for one, if it amounts to being stuck in one place for the rest of my life, as seems likely with umpteen hours of dialysis a week, at my financial level - I don't want it to be Portland. Grey and dank and wet and pretty sun-less
. My home county in New York State at least has my memories as the graves of my mother and father and father - the latter two of which I have never seen
, just as for 20 or so years I never saw my brother until his sudden death
- because I was homeless and poor and didn't have, by any standard idea, money to go 3,500 miles to NY and then, once there, stay somewhere while visiting him some (Briefly, there was no way I could stay with him, and nowhere else, with our parents gone.). Even just before I knew of his death I was thinking about how I would like to visit him but I couldn't/didn't
. And, maybe Social Services would be sympathetic to " a local son come home " and maybe I could get that inheritance lawyer to understand how handicapped my crippledness I am
and help in setting up a decent place with the money. And get the things I have in storage in Santa Cruz and the family mementos and things I inherited from my brother in one reasonable place
. I have a bunch of books and some DVDs and I could have a little home
. Maybe this is " mentally preparing to go downhill/die " - but given what the doctors said and my handicappedness and last year-plus of trying to find a place in Santa Cruz and San Francisco while rather handicspped I'd at least like to make use of those books - All, really, the material possessions I have in the world - and see the things from my brother, which I have not been able to have sent to me in the two years-plus since his death
.
Now, MAYBE, this is too pessimistic, and I could " do more ", try something new, not just read the books before I die. Perhaps so, but, especially given the turned corner represented by the dialysis. maybe I should set up something steady. then, maybe, get better.
I don't really, briefly, know that " housing " such as what I allude to above, something nice, is going to be available for me here in Portland, certainly now though I will need something immediate and hope I get I especially with my, still, weeks after the theft, non-reconstructed Oscars and bank account, money, situation
. But I am. yeah, wanting to, when I can, go to my home county and try to set up a situation there. There's good doctors anywhere in America and the things I inherited from my brother are there too that's just, then, one set of things that would have to be shipped, the Santa Cruz store-ees.