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My life is falling apart and I am walking towards death

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Markness, Jun 18, 2021.

  1. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Haha, come to my state, the predators outnumber the decent men. Maybe if you were female, you would have a different opinion. Some females are shown abuse because they truly don't want to date much or at all. Men became very entitled when they think you are attractive, and therefore you ShOuLd date them. Ya, whatever. Think you meed to walk in heels and a dress before you can tell me otherwise.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
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  2. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    You are paranoid and i feel bad for you, I know that when a woman gets threaten badly by a (or multiple) man she becomes very much on her guard (to protect her self) and will start to see danger in lots man even when they are merely expressing interest. The man who de things you say are definitely out there, but they are still relatively few, your mind that is obviously trying to protect you from violence and rape doesn't see it that way. If 1 in 10 man is dangerous your mind is going to exaggerate that to 5 in 10, because obviously overestimating danger is almost always safer than underestimating it.

    You also have to keep in mind that lots of man simply don't know what behaviors of theirs is seen as potentially threatening by woman, they don't know when looking at an attractive woman they mean no harm to makes the woman feel uncomfortable. They often don't know when do they accidentally do something that makes a woman feel like its going to be hard to escape the situation if she rejects the man.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
  3. LadyS

    LadyS Work in Progess

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    I understand about wanting what you don't have. I really wish I had a loving, supportive family. When I start feeling envious of others I try to remind myself that it may seem all fluffy on the outside, but in our world, people are really good at faking it for appearances. I truly don't know all that may be going on in those relationships. For instance a close friend once said that she never had to deal with any hardships in her life. Little does she know that I know of her true struggle being married to an absolute arrogant jerk who makes her cry and treats her like a stepford wife, just by speaking to her sisters who know better.

    I also find that sometimes things come to you when you're not desperately looking for it. Women can usually tell when a guy is trying too hard or is desperate and can sometimes scare the more guarded ones away. It can also attract ones that can take advantage of you. I wish first impressions didn't matter but in the world of dating unfortunately it does. I'm not saying that you do this at all, but be sure not to go down that route if possible. Best to love yourself first because people notice and respond more favorably to that.

    As for others telling you that you can't have something. You know it's BS. Or at least I'm hoping you do. It does sound like you're almost partially believing it's true. Some people who secretly aren't happy with their lives like to bring others down in order to make themselves feel better. I've got a lot of family who have been rooting for me to fail my whole life. I used to let it bother me to the point of self harm but then realized they're the ones with issues and now just feel sorry for them. Protect your goals from others and make sure they don't have a say in it. You'll find that it'll be worth the wait if you let it.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
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  4. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Hope you feel better soon, @Markness , I notice you haven't put ratings on what's being posted, I hope you are reading some of the really helpful comments here. It's hard to take in what others say when you're depressed, but I hope you are noticing people trying to give ideas and share their related experiences. Look after yourself, and let us know how you are doing when you can.
     
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  5. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I am just feeling extremely overwhelmed and there are no opportunities for me to even get a summer coffee date. I can’t even get any practice in. This is summer but I am all alone. Women in my area generally already have boyfriends or husbands and my attempts to just even get a simple date never go anywhere for me. :(
     
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  6. SusanLR

    SusanLR Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    I would not tell you what you should or should not do.
    We all have the right to pursue what we want and see things the way we want.

    I would say ask yourself why and what do you want from a girlfriend.
    Romance, sex, companionship, partnership with someone who is compatible?
    I've had many boyfriends in over 60 years of this thing called life, but, none had that deep and trustful
    emotion I wanted.
    Sex was never important and I didn't want to have children anyway.

    I wanted them to be friends with like interests.
    Someone I felt a soul connection with and a romantic asexual.
    Love to feel love and feel loved.
    Never yell at, put me down or verbally be abusive. Words are something that you can never
    take back, nor will I ever forget.

    Sounds like a dating sight ad, I know.
    Point is know what you want and why. A good companion can fill the void of loneliness
    even if it doesn't involve sexual desires.
    For me, just my immediate family kept me from being lonely.
    Now I have no family. I moved in with a man who wanted me to live with him and
    I feel more lonely than I ever have in my life.
    It is strictly for financial reasons I stay with him. But, he is verbally and mentally abusive.

    And it was stated before, but, we are all walking towards death.
    We just know not when.
    5efb4e9338997.jpg
     
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  7. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    True, you can be lonely with someone in your life.

    But l hope you understand that you will eventually have a "date", but only when you relax and just live life just doing things. You have a better chance if you are working a people job like store clerk where you're around woman everyday. Or work in a college, or better yet,work at Starbucks, where lots of single woman go. It's an effort, and you are making progress from what you have written.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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  8. Magna

    Magna Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Are you able bodied? If so, I would recommend joining a meetup.com group in your area for outdoor recreation. There are walking or hiking clubs in most areas. Women belong to those kinds of clubs just like men do. If you're personable and likable your odds improve in those group activities for getting a date. Even if the women in your group are in relationships they might know someone who is single like you and if they think you're a good match for the single woman they know they might play matchmaker.

    Plus you'd have the added bonus of getting some important exercise which helps aid relaxation and mood stabilization. I know it does for me.

    If nothing else, if you join a group like that and you find that others in the group aren't friendly toward you but seem to be friendly toward each other even if you're friendly toward them, then you'll have a good indication that for whatever reason or reasons, you're creeping people out. Then you could always take that info and work with it in therapy with a professional therapist. If you've seen the Netflix series Atypical, the main character Sam receives dating and communication tips from his therapist that are helpful to him.

    It's easy to idealize the concept of having a partner to the point of creating an unrealistic fantasy.

    "All my problems in life will be solved if I could just find a partner."
    "I would be happy every day for the rest of my life if I could just find a partner."
    "My partner would make me happy, truly happy." < NEVER expect a partner to make you happy. That's not their job. They're not a pet or a possession.
    "I'll never feel happiness unless/until I find a partner." < Implying that you'll always be happy if you do find a partner.

    ^A partner isn't a robot or plaything that will devote their whole life to selflessly serving their mate. Every person has their own needs/wants/desires/fears/challenges/disllikes/biases, etc.

    The point is it's wrong thinking to elevate the desire for a partner to the level of ultimate fantasy. That's not realistic. Relationships are hard. While obviously they can be rewarding for both partners, they can also be challenging, disappointing and painful. They're full of ups and downs. Wrong thinking is thinking that a relationship will be full of "ups" and nothing else "and my life is and always will be "down" if I don't find a partner". People that have that kind of logic are wrong on both counts.

    "It's better to have loved and lost than to not have loved at all." < Perhaps that saying is true. It certainly sounds like it would be on the surface, but even though a person who remains single won't experience the positive things about being in a relationship, it's also an absolute fact that a person who remains single will avoid the challenges and pain a relationship can have in addition to avoiding the potentially crushing loss of losing a partner/spouse. Some people never recover from the loss of their partner/spouse and instead live out their life in a type of pain that most other people can't imagine.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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  9. 1ForAll

    1ForAll Active Member

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    [QUOTE="Markness, post: 773145, member: 21486"......I cannot get even any practice in...... :([/QUOTE]

    While you are awaiting more real experiences, and planning more events and later doing those, practice can occur right now, in your daydreams at home. Visualize yourself at coffee dates, book clubs, libraries, supermarkets, art museums, parks, etc. , with you succeeding socially, and having more alluring posture, expressions, positive attitude. Imagine these for any chance encounters with another and others, ones where you both initiate.

    Imagine often in detail you being relaxed and confident in social dating and acquaintance situations, with much social success there in various such mentioned and other places, then over time of having these daydreams often, this can retrain your mind and body to believe you had more social successes with the opposite gender than you actually had, causing you hopefully to feel more relaxed and your best during future encounters.

    When at a time of higher energy, or have someone else do this for you, write hundreds of prompt questions or topics on note cards, and then each day read several one by one and reply in detail out loud trying to be detailed and relevant with your answer or comment, in as calm, sincere or confident way as possible, depending on that item to be addressed, to help with your communication and presentations with others, when random questions and topics come up.

    Look in the mirror, if need be, to see how you could be coming across to others, if this was ever an issue. Or ask a trusted other you respect to be totally honest in what you could be doing wrong, or in why others do not want a relationship for you, if you are able to handle that truth as they perceive, or if you can handle any possible more critiques. Sometimes full honesty is needed from another to motivate us further, yet for some others hearing that makes them messed up more. You know what you can handle there.

    Having a negative thought is often ok in order to learn from that either wrong or mistake that occurred and to make some possible adjustment there, if possible, and in order to feel, as sometimes having even less positive feelings are needed to heal and as a protective measure, but when we dwell on the negatives day after day, and when we repeat those same negative thoughts in our minds, constantly have those same negative feelings and same negative actions and reactions, how will that accomplish much other than to be dependent on others for support?

    There are lots of ways to make us feel more positive about our situations and to feel better, and while some want to focus on just one way, others try a variety of things, to see what will work, and yet others feel they can do nothing to change their situation. In my case, what I mentioned was just a few of the dozen or so more things I did. The point is, things are rarely as hopeless as they seem, as many can be doing more than what we are to live happier, less sad, or more functional lives. They may not see that in their despair, but they can often do more.

    The key I feel is to replace if possible unhealthier routines and attitudes with more healthier ways to accomplish your goals in life. While medications, therapies, faith, and support persons have helped and will help several to get more strength, motivation, direction, knowledge and ability to proceed in a better direction-- to achieve their goals--others got there break by luck, or in my case, by doing everything on my own, through research and daily doing self-help practices there. We all can be different in what we need. Find what works for you.

    With regards to luck, many less deserving as those alone could be in relationships, so I get that, and that was like my case before I started dating. I got really really annoyed at that fact. Look at all the abusive and neglectful men and women that could be harming their partners in some way, when someone like you could treat another better. But, they, like you, created opportunities to meet others, and those others may not have advertised their lesser qualities or character flaws, so in that regard deceptions may have occurred from them. In other cases, their behaviors may have worsened in the relationship. This can occur too. But, sometimes things get definitely better, if you find the right fit.

    But, when those dating and relationship opportunities failed, several of those others kept creating more opportunities thinking they just met the wrong ones or needed to target their efforts to those places where their interests or traits they desire in another would more likely be. More is often needed though than those, to attract more and to keep another or others in your life for longer duration. I am not sure if you are mostly positive in your talks with others, or not. If not, it would help to start projecting that more after getting that additional medical and/or other help, as mentioned.

    Also, by consciously thinking of something good in every bad, and by also shifting the mind to good different things instead of current bad, if you keep doing these daily, then within weeks even its possible to more instinctively be less negative and more positive, relaxed, happy and confident when around persons, and when alone. And try using humor in bad situations sometimes, and try changing up any more depressive looking posture, action or expression, to see if this gets you out quicker out of a bad mood. And reward yourself with things you want or like each day, whether things or activities you enjoy.

    Each day think of one or more good things about you. In my case, for each and every letter of the alphabet I eventually came up with at least one good trait. Also, change your password to some positive trait about you. Get fill-in books that are more positive in nature, where each page asks a question and one must brainstorm or think of something good to say about themselves, another, some situation, or from some bad experience, etc. These type of books in general will ask you to detail any past or present happy experiences, thoughts, feelings and dreams. Other books can be about detailing and moving forward from traumas.

    We have more control over our lives than many think, especially once we are legal age, and can get away from negative influences, and when we see there are many avenues to take. Then many will have even more time, abilities and motivation to think even more clearly, to put forth more efforts, and to be the best version of themselves. But, even when I lived with my very dysfunctional parents, I said to myself, "Things cannot get much worse, and I still survived that. Things will only get better. Just take things a step at a time, and believe that better days will be soon ahead." And so I started dreaming then of those.

    Many will be ok with doctors and therapy, and I am all for that for them too. My worries though are when good advice is given by a variety of others, and action never follows, neither immediately, nor later. They'll just repeat the same patterns they have, expecting different results. In your case, I feel you have the ability to try new things, and consider others' suggestions, from what I see and hear, so I am hoping for that. Maybe something someone says will seem like good advice for you, and you can try acting on that.

    Whatever you do, I hope it will allow you if not now, then later, to not come across as too needy to women. It is likely a huge turnoff to most. This could imply to them you have less to offer, or more baggage, even if this was not true. It's always best to focus on positives, but not in an arrogant way, and not pushing things too fast. Women can sense that. While it is true that many women too have baggage or insecurities of their own, they are often smart enough to often not advertise that either. Guys in general like more confident and functional woman as well. So, it works both ways there.

    I will end with a few final thoughts that could sum up several of my points. Many women looking to date could see a guy these days and see some good, but what if they see things that do not seem like a longer term match for them at first glance? They could be thinking either: (1) The good in the other and their abilities outweighs their perceived needs or limitations, so they overlook or accept any faults or limitations and give it a chance; (2) Run away, as they need more now than that, or (3) Let's learn more, or try as there seems some fit or good shown, but let's hope to change the other things in the other later, to make it a better fit.

    So, it seems to me then, that guy must either show more good than needs on the surface early on in the process, or they must perceive that that guy can change one or more of those things she may want changed. But, if she senses the guy basically saying through body and words, "Just be with me and everything will be ok." That is like a guy telling her, "I cannot change. Will not change. And the relationship solves everything." Take it from me, who understands relationships, they require sacrifice, daily efforts, compromise, and change. That's what love is about, and putting forth the efforts for them too, in ways never done before. Women can dream of future things too.

    Maybe you are the rarer one who will automatically feel much better, give more efforts or want to be your best once a relationship happens. Usually though, that is not how things work. How one is now is usually how they will be in a relationship, if not worse, as they will have the others' problems and needs to take on too, which they may or may not be ready for, and as they will rely on the other to change their ways too, to get their needs met. So, I just feel the advice about focusing on improving your health or mindset should be the top priority, before dating. That seems like the least riskiest of paths to take, and then we can be more choosy in what we do.
     
    Last edited: Jun 20, 2021
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  10. TryingtoLearn

    TryingtoLearn New Member

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    Don't take my words as gospel - I'm probably just as confused if not even more confused than you.

    I've been feeling seriously depressed for just over a year. Just recently I was thinking maybe I need a woman in my life.

    But then I remembered the times I was close but things didn't work out right. Ended up quite depressed.

    So now I'm thinking I need to work on my mental state a bit more, and rebuild my support from friends again. So if I do find someone I'm interested in, maybe I can give it a shot. But at least if I am rejected or find the woman of my interest just plays games, at least I will have some friends to have a chat with.

    But where I am now, I'm finding it almost impossible to even try to catch up with my old friends. But I'm thinking catching up with friends should give me a better "mental platform" to try. So friends can advice me with the relationship games I just don't understand, and I can cry on someone's shoulder if things don't go to plan
     
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  11. Kitsuna

    Kitsuna New Member

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    You might might remember me posting on one of your threads recently on WP, so I just wanted to say that I'm someone on there that's in your corner. I'm the same person who used to post as the user "Randomosity" on WP. Not sure if you remember me posting to some of your threads a long time ago and I'm not sure how much all this amounts to for you, but since you've been upset about losing support I'd thought I say something.

    One thing I am concerned about though (and this is not me saying you have to wait till everything's perfect to have a GF) is as a woman your age, I also think you could shoot yourself in the foot by coming off as desperate.
     
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