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My life is falling apart and I am walking towards death

Discussion in 'Help and Support' started by Markness, Jun 18, 2021.

  1. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I really feel like my life is falling apart and I am walking towards death. Ever since I got denied a job interview at the beginning of this year, everything has been downhill for me.

    I attended a book club group in hopes of expanding my social circle and was accepted the first time but the second time I went, it was like day and night. I was pushed to the wayside and wasn’t appreciated for coming. I was also hoping a speed dating event would take place so I wouldn’t have to torture myself with dating apps but the event got delayed a few times before finally getting cancelled. Since then, I have seen people announce their engagements as well as having their first children while I still can’t even get a coffee date. I don’t care if others are sick of me talking about not having a girlfriend. It still hurts me.

    I volunteered for a event the natural history museum hosted but I was rejected socially and given hardly any tasks. I have been part of group therapy for a month now but it’s been disappointing attending it for the most part. Other people in the group are in relationships and doing more things than me despite being depressed themselves.

    I am also losing friends and supporters. I have been banned from two other forums and I am sure those who no longer consider me a friend or used to say positive things to me don’t want me to have a girlfriend and to get better. They just want me to suffer until I die.
     
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  2. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Hi - we are all walking towards death. Every celeb, politician, baby, oldster, every human & living thing on earth. What can you and I do to reduce our suffering? Our loneliness? I know what I do. It works some of the time and I count that a major win.
    Others might look at it as a loss. That doesn’t matter. What can you do to start on a slightly different tack?*


    (* an act of changing course by turning a vessel's head into and through the wind, so as to bring the wind on the opposite side.)
     
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  3. Streetwise

    Streetwise Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    All! people are naturally selfish ,but!!!I had to learn that they couldn't be inside me, it's not possible and inside in my psyche is the most painful, loneliness is terrible but you have to try something to conquer it, I do it by appreciating nature watching a bee or a bird ,feeding a creature, watching gizmo the cat, I spent hours over my life thinking about what to feed animals .

    many people reproduce and didn't want to ,in reality wanting a girl or boyfriend is the urge to reproduce,not wanting to be responsible for what is reproduced is another discussion

    Depression can destroy you but wanting to live is very strong .
     
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  4. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Sorry to hear this. I thought you were making some headway. I don't necessarily think it is you. Right now, a lot more woman work and don't date. Maybe 60 years ago, this was the case. Woman married and stayed home. So this makes it difficult to find girlfriends. Please don't blame yourself. Some volunteer groups are kinda of clan feeling, they aren't necessary nice to outsiders. I ran into that at one place l volunteered at.

    So just keep trying, stay active. Maybe find a passion , martial arts is excellent for men. Tai Quando is fun and will keep your mind busy. If you buy an organ, you can start learning songs to serenade you future girlfriend. Maybe see if you could start learning jokes, making people laugh is a great way to meet people. Hiking perhaps? I have seen guys in my Zumba class and they enjoy being the only guys in a mostly female class at LA fitness gym. Other gyms have classes with all kinds of women. Cycle classes are hugely popular and have a lot of woman in them, perfect way to meet after class for a coffee. Good luck, don't give up. There maybe 100 ladies that say no, but #101- lady may say yes to going out to a movie, or hiking.
     
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  5. Thinx

    Thinx Well-Known Member V.I.P Member

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    Coping with depression is tough, but you do pretty well at that. Hopefully when your new medication kicks in you will see all this in a slightly different light. Great ideas there from @Aspychata !

    When you start coming up from this low, you will see how your therapy group offers a safe space to get feedback. Have you told them all the stuff you've tried yet? It's impressive, they will support you to keep up your efforts.
     
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  6. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I tell them but nothing changes for me. I am still lonely and without a girlfriend. I hate it so much. I don’t care if others hate me for saying it. I will continue to say it.

    I feel worse today than before. Why can’t I just die? :(
     
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  7. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    The question will be answered in time.

    A better question is, “what if I embraced my hate and asked it to step aside for a while, so I can move on?”

    I have a question: is it that you’re more attached to the fight you’ve created with your hate, than you are to your desire, that you are choosing to put all your eggs in the hate basket?
    Step over it, say, once a day, & give some attention to your breath for 10 minutes.
    Maybe sign up and attend a meditation class.
     
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  8. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I just feel so wronged by others bullying me and telling me I can’t have a girlfriend that my sadness turns into hatred.
     
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  9. watersprite

    watersprite inadvertent vagabond V.I.P Member

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    Embrace that sadness and the hate too.
    They’re both demanding attention? Practice loving them for a few minutes a day.

    Your future girlfriend will thank you for it. She won’t be able to find you, I don’t think, until you get a little free from hate. She’s probably not looking for someone who is full of hate.
     
    Last edited: Jun 19, 2021
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  10. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    I sometimes fear there is no future girlfriend for me and I should just commit suicide instead of living another 33 years of suffering since there are no guarantees in life besides death. It feels so unfair that all four of my siblings are married and have children but I can’t even get a coffee date. It tears me apart inside so much and none of my efforts to change things have paid off. :(
     
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  11. BoltzmannBrain17

    BoltzmannBrain17 Member

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    I think you should work on accepting that happiness is not dependent on being in a romantic relationship. Society may tell us that it is but that simply isn't the case. I know it can be hard with how deeply society indoctrinates us into that mindset but it is possible to get out. If the opportunity arises I think you should go for it but if not I think you should also be ok with being alone.
     
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  12. 1ForAll

    1ForAll Active Member

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    First I would like to say, I am not one against you having a relationship. I feel everyone should be given such a chance, as none of us are perfect and we all have flaws, besides our abilities and good to great traits that we all have too; I feel everyone has someone compatible for them.

    And while it is true, many will put pressure on you to change or they will be general in their advice to you, I realize some persons may need specifics and their certain efforts and motivations may only occur the more they see their goals proceeding on a path that shows more hope than fantasy.

    I never like to compare myself to others, but I relate lots by what you say in several ways. In my teens, twenties and early thirties I was miserable at having never dated. While everyone else was doing that, married, and/or with children, I was walking at night in parks about to give up there.

    But, being an optimist now for most things, twenty plus years later--but being a realist for some things that I feel may never change, like for certain systems set up to either benefit more them, or which seem more for persons able to be helped by that or willing to see the good in that--I must say I feel your case is not hopeless, in my eyes.

    You seem above the functioning level I was at your age, and your abilities and tolerances more. I was not able to talk more than a few words to all up til my mid thirties, much less attempt an interview for a job then. I was a loner, had zero friends and avoided all due to severe timidity, panic and fear To this day, any group stuff I cannot do, or refuse to do, yet I am doing fine nevertheless.

    This does not mean I do not see your situation as any less painful as mine was. Yes, I had to live alone for twenty plus years and do everything for myself, and I never was able to work outside of home to this day, but there are women out there that do not care about finding the traditional male, as they too may not be traditional in their ways or beliefs either.

    As long as he has something to offer too, in terms of interests, efforts, attitude, functionality, character and/or something else interesting, endearing, or compatible, then of course there will be someone for you too. With more women working, they may be more open minded in some ways nowadays too. I hope you will one day though feel you have a right to be selective too, though.

    Feel free to pm me for any details too what I did to overcome a society that often can reject, push away, or critique those who seem different in some way, or who seem not to fit in at first glance. You are putting forth lots of great efforts, in being seen and heard. That is a huge start.

    But, you could burn yourself out, and keep getting more negative reinforcements and depression if you keep perceiving you are failing in those attempts, and if you are not targeting your efforts and bringing out those great qualities I know you have, or if you are not trying to find ways to worry less, think more positively and to build your self-esteem to function better and to attract more.

    That will get you through the rough times much better, and make your goals more attainable. I needed to do this for me too, before finding more successes, relationships, and life with another. There is not one easy answer to reach your goals, as each situation is different. But, by listening to a variety of advice from others with somewhat similar experiences, one day you could act on some of that, and see better results.
     
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  13. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    Think it's important to realize you can settle for a girlfriend that won't be up to your standards, but waiting for the one that opens up your life is worth the wait. You can have a 1000 choices but only one really quality choice, so maybe fate has saved you from this. See this as when you meet the one that everything seems to come together is perhaps the one worth waiting for.
     
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  14. oregano

    oregano Judgment day #1: 27/9/2021 V.I.P Member

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    I once encountered someone who was a true intuitive, not one of these scam "psychics" who want your life savings for a "love spell", and I told her that having a mate was simply not in the cards for me, since I had tried for years and gotten nowhere. She smiled and said "no, it's not, because God has a greater plan for you". I asked her what it was and she simply said "you will see in time". That was maybe 10 years ago. For much of my 20s I had searched for a woman, mostly online, and found that I was repulsive to them. By the time of that encounter I had accepted that I would live my life alone. I still am not sure what she meant, but I have a slight idea. Maybe you are putting all your eggs in one basket, and your destiny transcends a wife, 1.73 kids, and a suburban estate.
     
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  15. LadyS

    LadyS Work in Progess

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    I don't normally give advice for good reason, but I have an NT friend who's my age, never had a boyfriend and is desperate for one too and our advice to her may apply here which is to not settle for a relationship like we did, all because society pressured us into believing that the only way to complete yourself is to be in a relationship. All lies. I've never been lonelier, and it's worse being with someone but still feeling utterly helpless and alone because it shouldn't be that way. As you've said, you attend a group with married people who are still depressed. So I agree with others that having a gf won't necessarily fix everything especially if she's the wrong one.

    I don't know your situation so apologies if I offend, out of curiosity do you want a girlfriend only because you see others in relationships or because people are telling you, you can't have one, or for other reasons?

    One of the things I wish I learned sooner was being happy and content with myself first before getting into a relationship because a relationship is a two way street, and if I'm not comfortable with myself first then the other person suffers as currently happening to me right now.

    I really do hope you consider alot of the advice by the more well known members here as they are all really sound options. And in all sincerity I hope you do find what you are looking for.
     
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  16. 1ForAll

    1ForAll Active Member

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    Yes, exactly. Although the first four I dated after being finally ready for such were experiences that I learned from, and I appreciated those women and chances on many levels, truth is they were horrible experiences. The fit was so bad, that I was relieved they ended as the experiences caused both sides likely equally lots of stress. So, I waited longer, and became more selective, and although things are not totally ideal, the long length of our marital relationship, love for each other still, and commitment through much adversity shows the fit was and is still mostly there.
     
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  17. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    What was the greater plan tho?
     
  18. Markness

    Markness Young God

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    The true reasons are that I am lonely, wish I had a special partner to share my life with, and have her share her’s with mine. These reasons cause me to undergo scorn from some people but I don’t care anymore. It’s not like I want status or other superficial reasons. The reason why I feel sad when I see couples pass me by is because it’s a reminder that I am still alone and when others tell me “You can’t have a relationship.” or “I don’t want you to have a relationship.”, it feels insulting.
     
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  19. Aspychata

    Aspychata Serenity waves, beachy vibes

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    But if you came thru a bad relationship, you might view those couples differently-

    Edited: and if you grew up with an abusive father and or mother.

    I see plenty of couples, and l wonder if someone is being groomed for abuse. I wonder if the wife is rude towards her husband. I wonder if the young boyfriend has gaslighted his very naive girlfriend. I know the tone of abuse and l recognize immediately when men start to speak. As a survivor of abuse, l listen, watch, and have boundaries.
     
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  20. phantom

    phantom Active Member

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    who says his relationships are destined to be bad? Also i think you might be projecting the abuse you went true on innocent people. I see this happen all the time, a woman goes true bad relationship where she used or abused and she starts to get a little paranoid and bothers innocent man with it.

    The majority of man don't want to harm woman, don't want to rape them and they don't want to use woman only for sex. I don't even know any such man myself, not in my family nor my friends.

    Also mark you will attract a lot of bad folks with these threads where you are talking about your dating problems, there a lot of people out there who like to feel powerful by telling someone what they need to do and change about themselves in order to get love, they see you as a small helpless person and get a kick out of pretending they are wise and can tell you how to become better and attract woman. Some woman (especially those who are unsatisfied and hold a grudge) like to pretend they are the gate keepers to all the sex there is and know what the entire female gender wants, and that they are free to judge on whatever they want and that you should listen to them in order to achieve happiness.
     
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