ASilenceDistraction
New Member
So I will start by saying, at this point I am only self diagnosed with High Functioning ASD. I am 38 years old. the self diagnosis oddly started with me making a statement when someone was making false claims about ASD and socializing ie no one on the spectrum could want or enjoy socializing. I had thought that I was possibly on the spectrum over the last 3 or 4 months, though that time seems sooo much longer to me, I was so offended by the ideal of what she was saying. Taking it as an attack on me. So I responded like I do, without thinking, and said I was on the spectrum and we have been socializing fine for 2 hours before and I enjoyed it. When I said it, it felt true and my intention was not to lie or try to claim something I wasn't. I even beat myself up over it all night because feeling like a lie or being a lie in a weird way felt the same. I also didn't want to screw up someone's interest in talking with me over something that only helped her see things a little differently. I don't fault her not seeing it, because it is a spectrum. It did set my focus from then on researching ASD and signs of it.
I stuck to watching videos, movies, comedy, music, anything from people that had been diagnosed with ASD. I found a lot of great valuable info including these forums. I even brought up the idea with my mom and sister and they pretty much said just "Yeah probably" In their own loving way. My sister has experience working in a day care and was familiar with ASD in children. The biggest thing I found was a community. The only thought when consuming all of this was I identified. I have never identified with any DSM diagnosis. I spent all my life trying to apply NT type of adjustments of thinking the wrong rules. Like going to play chess but are going by the rules of football to win. Nothing will make sense but some things may work sometimes.
Human psychology and sociology (mainly emotions and empathy lol) are my thing because I have been through many a trauma. I was trying to frame things that were not caused by trauma to trauma like not feeling emotions the same way others did or being able to express them. I really had just resigned myself that my trauma had caused me to be so fractured I would have to stumble around life never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Then the dive and took several online tests (I know aren't 100% and there is more to the diagnosis) but every one of them said that it was highly likely. Then I looked back on all the things in my life and started to see how My feeling of disassociated was really just me ascribing how NT's feel to how I think I should feel. It tore me up everyday. I told myself everyday I hated myself. I talk to much. I had ruined relationships and destroyed everything I touched. I was broken.
Then after my research and re-evaluating how I have acted and done and hold back on doing, I can clearly see that if I do have ASD then everything else makes sense and I need to approach my trauma from a new understanding to move forward.
Then surprise! Re-framing it that way has made me feel whole for the first time in my life. So for the last 4 days I have been the most ok with myself and less hateful then I have been ever. I haven't looked in the mirror and said I hate you in days. Which was constant, at least once a hour thing. I went out to my usual spot and even somewhere new to eat which is really hard with my restrictive diet due to Crohn's Disease.
AND I totally survived and even didn't let myself obsess over minor perceived mistakes or faux pas. Even ran into a situation where they only took cards and I only had cash which I almost completely broke down from but I was able to be mindful, feel it, and not let it overwhelm me.
Of course going to look into getting a full diagnosis next week. I know the road is not gonna be easy. I am now starting my journey to see what parts of my masks are really me and all that jazz. I am thankful this exists and finally I think I have found the people who might or might not get me but have info on how to help.
So anyways............To sum it all up....
38 yo male. Self diagnosed High Functioning. The happiest I have ever been. And I have a good feeling with soon be able to proudly and honestly say I am autistic so I am gonna go, stop retyping this, and pretend I am not worried to some degree about having not been clear enough or said to much...lol
I stuck to watching videos, movies, comedy, music, anything from people that had been diagnosed with ASD. I found a lot of great valuable info including these forums. I even brought up the idea with my mom and sister and they pretty much said just "Yeah probably" In their own loving way. My sister has experience working in a day care and was familiar with ASD in children. The biggest thing I found was a community. The only thought when consuming all of this was I identified. I have never identified with any DSM diagnosis. I spent all my life trying to apply NT type of adjustments of thinking the wrong rules. Like going to play chess but are going by the rules of football to win. Nothing will make sense but some things may work sometimes.
Human psychology and sociology (mainly emotions and empathy lol) are my thing because I have been through many a trauma. I was trying to frame things that were not caused by trauma to trauma like not feeling emotions the same way others did or being able to express them. I really had just resigned myself that my trauma had caused me to be so fractured I would have to stumble around life never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Then the dive and took several online tests (I know aren't 100% and there is more to the diagnosis) but every one of them said that it was highly likely. Then I looked back on all the things in my life and started to see how My feeling of disassociated was really just me ascribing how NT's feel to how I think I should feel. It tore me up everyday. I told myself everyday I hated myself. I talk to much. I had ruined relationships and destroyed everything I touched. I was broken.
Then after my research and re-evaluating how I have acted and done and hold back on doing, I can clearly see that if I do have ASD then everything else makes sense and I need to approach my trauma from a new understanding to move forward.
Then surprise! Re-framing it that way has made me feel whole for the first time in my life. So for the last 4 days I have been the most ok with myself and less hateful then I have been ever. I haven't looked in the mirror and said I hate you in days. Which was constant, at least once a hour thing. I went out to my usual spot and even somewhere new to eat which is really hard with my restrictive diet due to Crohn's Disease.
AND I totally survived and even didn't let myself obsess over minor perceived mistakes or faux pas. Even ran into a situation where they only took cards and I only had cash which I almost completely broke down from but I was able to be mindful, feel it, and not let it overwhelm me.
Of course going to look into getting a full diagnosis next week. I know the road is not gonna be easy. I am now starting my journey to see what parts of my masks are really me and all that jazz. I am thankful this exists and finally I think I have found the people who might or might not get me but have info on how to help.
So anyways............To sum it all up....
38 yo male. Self diagnosed High Functioning. The happiest I have ever been. And I have a good feeling with soon be able to proudly and honestly say I am autistic so I am gonna go, stop retyping this, and pretend I am not worried to some degree about having not been clear enough or said to much...lol
