gingertimelady
New Member
I've been dating my Aspie boyfriend for over 2 years now, and we've lived together for one and a half years. I don't have ASD, but likely have inattentive ADHD. However, I have yet to get a diagnosis, so at this point it's just a strong speculation. My BF was diagnosed with Asperger's when he was 3, and likely has comorbid ADHD, but no diagnosis on that condition yet. (He's 35, I'm 32).
Most of this whole time together has been wonderful, and I feel lucky to have a great, handsome, and very funny guy like him in my life, and I know he loves that I'm in his life too. He also loves to dote on me and do the cooking, so I can't complain there!
But the rockiest road we've ridden is coping with his meltdowns. It hasn't been easy on either of us.
When he gets frustrated, anxious, angry, or needs to release pent up stress, or gets triggered by violent media (specifically extreme bodily trauma from swords, spears, arrows, bayonets, flamethrowers etc, and any visual depicting wounded or killed children or animals, no matter the scene context or that it's not real), he'll have a meltdown.
His meltdowns usually takes the form of him shaking, turning red, with eyes wide open, or with his hands rubbing his eyes roughly, or his fingers rubbing together in quick movements. (I realize the eye rubbing and finger movements are stimming). He'll then start to speak strangely, from outlandish things like suggesting that the president should be assassinated (we're Canadian, and we don't support assassination of anyone!), to sexually weird or perverted things (not printable here!) to seemingly nonsensical put-downs against me or friends or relatives. ("You're not that smart// Your Facebook post SUCKED// You'd have been better off dropping out of school// You'll just gain all that weight back again// Your (friend/relative) is a b***//They can suck my ****").
All the while he's talking, I'm embracing him in a hug and deflecting or laughing off his comments. The hug helps to calm him down, and not taking his comments seriously is the only thing I can do. I can't leave the room either, or he'll follow me. Sometimes when I'm tired or stressed myself, these comments will hit me like a slap in the face, and it's very challenging not to get upset. And when I get upset, he gets more upset, and it takes longer for him to calm down.
If he doesn't calm down after a while, or has a meltdown again just after he's almost calmed down, he's likely to have a tantrum. This doesn't happen often, thank goodness, but when it does it's awful. He'll fling objects across the room (his glasses, whatever is on the coffee table, his bike pump, the last of our pizza dinner that was on his lap, etc), or he'll pound his fist on the coffee table (he accidentally totalled my laptop screen when he did that last. Good thing I wasn't using it much!). Then he'll try to clean up, but still agitated, he ends up tossing objects on the ground (like my birth plate, which shattered on impact with the carpet. To my relief, it is an easily replaced mass-market item. But I didn't know that at the time, and I freaked out!). Or he'll try to ease the situation by tickling me, which (in his agitated state) becomes jabbing and poking. And if he realizes in the moment that he hurt me physically, he'll immediately try to self-harm, which makes me upset, and I try my darnedest to stop him and calm him down from there.
He does have meltdowns in public too, but he can moderate his output of weird words a bit, or at least quiet down when he says them. Also, considering that social anxiety is a major trigger for him, just hanging out with my friends and him can make him far more likely to have an episode. So we don't do that often. (Just me hanging out with friends on my own can sometimes make him feel jealous or left out. Even when he was unavailable to join in anyway.)
My boyfriend almost always feels terrible after these meltdowns or tantrums happen, even if I assure him it's okay, and I'm okay. He's very frustrated that he has these episodes, and doesn't know what, if anything, he can do to change or moderate his outbursts. It doesn't help that right after a meltdown is over, he barely remembers what he'd said, so he can't describe his meltdowns on his own. He often wishes he could get a recording of it, but I never think to reach for a recorder in the moment.
He did explain that what he says during a tantrum is rarely meant in earnest, and that when he makes put-down or belittling comments, it's always to try to put the situation or other people, including me, down to his level.
I've tried searching other Autism forums and websites for more insight on his meltdowns and how to help him out, but it seems like his type of meltdown is rare, or rarer, anyway. I couldn't find any example of another person with ASD who was triggered by violent media, and how they might handle it.
My BF also has a thing about me watching violent media that he has a hard time handling. It also bothers him that I'm a girl, and he's a guy, but he's sensitive to this stuff. So, I can't watch an R rated movie like 'Logan', or a show like Game of Thrones, even on my own, because he'll be very upset/disturbed that I like something so violent, and a bit jealous at the same time. (We did watch 'Deadpool' together. It's a good movie, but it caused the most recent awful meltdown and tantrum, and was something we probably should have avoided. There was also 'Hacksaw Ridge', which was a bad decision to see. We got to about 20 minutes from the end of the movie when my BF stormed out of the theatre saying "There's a bomb in the theatre!" and punching a wall on the way out. (He was worried he'd be banned from the theatre. Thankfully, this doesn't seem to have been the case). And then trying to watch Game of Thrones with him (at his behest) was a real trial. We somehow got as far as Season 2, but had to stop when the meltdowns and tantrums were just intolerable, and every episode-viewing felt like a bomb ready to go off at any moment).
We are undergoing couple's counselling to address these, and other issues. We found a new counsellor when the old one wasn't helping much, and the new one has been very helpful so far.
Any insight at all is appreciated.
Most of this whole time together has been wonderful, and I feel lucky to have a great, handsome, and very funny guy like him in my life, and I know he loves that I'm in his life too. He also loves to dote on me and do the cooking, so I can't complain there!
But the rockiest road we've ridden is coping with his meltdowns. It hasn't been easy on either of us.
When he gets frustrated, anxious, angry, or needs to release pent up stress, or gets triggered by violent media (specifically extreme bodily trauma from swords, spears, arrows, bayonets, flamethrowers etc, and any visual depicting wounded or killed children or animals, no matter the scene context or that it's not real), he'll have a meltdown.
His meltdowns usually takes the form of him shaking, turning red, with eyes wide open, or with his hands rubbing his eyes roughly, or his fingers rubbing together in quick movements. (I realize the eye rubbing and finger movements are stimming). He'll then start to speak strangely, from outlandish things like suggesting that the president should be assassinated (we're Canadian, and we don't support assassination of anyone!), to sexually weird or perverted things (not printable here!) to seemingly nonsensical put-downs against me or friends or relatives. ("You're not that smart// Your Facebook post SUCKED// You'd have been better off dropping out of school// You'll just gain all that weight back again// Your (friend/relative) is a b***//They can suck my ****").
All the while he's talking, I'm embracing him in a hug and deflecting or laughing off his comments. The hug helps to calm him down, and not taking his comments seriously is the only thing I can do. I can't leave the room either, or he'll follow me. Sometimes when I'm tired or stressed myself, these comments will hit me like a slap in the face, and it's very challenging not to get upset. And when I get upset, he gets more upset, and it takes longer for him to calm down.
If he doesn't calm down after a while, or has a meltdown again just after he's almost calmed down, he's likely to have a tantrum. This doesn't happen often, thank goodness, but when it does it's awful. He'll fling objects across the room (his glasses, whatever is on the coffee table, his bike pump, the last of our pizza dinner that was on his lap, etc), or he'll pound his fist on the coffee table (he accidentally totalled my laptop screen when he did that last. Good thing I wasn't using it much!). Then he'll try to clean up, but still agitated, he ends up tossing objects on the ground (like my birth plate, which shattered on impact with the carpet. To my relief, it is an easily replaced mass-market item. But I didn't know that at the time, and I freaked out!). Or he'll try to ease the situation by tickling me, which (in his agitated state) becomes jabbing and poking. And if he realizes in the moment that he hurt me physically, he'll immediately try to self-harm, which makes me upset, and I try my darnedest to stop him and calm him down from there.
He does have meltdowns in public too, but he can moderate his output of weird words a bit, or at least quiet down when he says them. Also, considering that social anxiety is a major trigger for him, just hanging out with my friends and him can make him far more likely to have an episode. So we don't do that often. (Just me hanging out with friends on my own can sometimes make him feel jealous or left out. Even when he was unavailable to join in anyway.)
My boyfriend almost always feels terrible after these meltdowns or tantrums happen, even if I assure him it's okay, and I'm okay. He's very frustrated that he has these episodes, and doesn't know what, if anything, he can do to change or moderate his outbursts. It doesn't help that right after a meltdown is over, he barely remembers what he'd said, so he can't describe his meltdowns on his own. He often wishes he could get a recording of it, but I never think to reach for a recorder in the moment.
He did explain that what he says during a tantrum is rarely meant in earnest, and that when he makes put-down or belittling comments, it's always to try to put the situation or other people, including me, down to his level.
I've tried searching other Autism forums and websites for more insight on his meltdowns and how to help him out, but it seems like his type of meltdown is rare, or rarer, anyway. I couldn't find any example of another person with ASD who was triggered by violent media, and how they might handle it.
My BF also has a thing about me watching violent media that he has a hard time handling. It also bothers him that I'm a girl, and he's a guy, but he's sensitive to this stuff. So, I can't watch an R rated movie like 'Logan', or a show like Game of Thrones, even on my own, because he'll be very upset/disturbed that I like something so violent, and a bit jealous at the same time. (We did watch 'Deadpool' together. It's a good movie, but it caused the most recent awful meltdown and tantrum, and was something we probably should have avoided. There was also 'Hacksaw Ridge', which was a bad decision to see. We got to about 20 minutes from the end of the movie when my BF stormed out of the theatre saying "There's a bomb in the theatre!" and punching a wall on the way out. (He was worried he'd be banned from the theatre. Thankfully, this doesn't seem to have been the case). And then trying to watch Game of Thrones with him (at his behest) was a real trial. We somehow got as far as Season 2, but had to stop when the meltdowns and tantrums were just intolerable, and every episode-viewing felt like a bomb ready to go off at any moment).
We are undergoing couple's counselling to address these, and other issues. We found a new counsellor when the old one wasn't helping much, and the new one has been very helpful so far.
Any insight at all is appreciated.
