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My Glitched Heart

Glytch

Well-Known Member
My love life has always been awful. I've had a total of four romantic train wrecks over the years (and no, I don't mean a train crashed while I was on a date).

First was in seventh grade. I'm not sure why, but this girl had a crush on me, and I didn't feel the same way. I didn't handle that well, and she ended up hating me for a brief period of time. Now, we're pretty good friends, so that kinda turned out okay.

Second was my freshman year. I had a crush on a girl in my class named Emma (my first crush). Imagine my surprise when she told me that she already knew about it! Flash forward a few months... She got mad at me for putting notes in her locker, we got into a fight, and things escalated really quickly. (This next part is one of my biggest regrets.) I snapped at one point and I told her to, and I quote, "go choke on a rock." It was the worst thing I had ever said to someone, and to this day, I have no idea where it came from. I immediately regretted it. After that, things got quieter. I asked if we could just never speak of this again, and she said, and I quote, "as long as you don't talk to me again." And that was that. I stuck to that, too. For the next two years, I didn't utter a single word to Emma. Then, last year, she started talking to me again, about some stories I was writing! I think she either forgave me or forgot it happened. Unfortunately, I was cursed with a vivid memory, so I can't forget it.

Third was about a year or two ago. Another girl had a crush on me (again, why?), but I didn't feel the same way. Once again, I handled it poorly, she hated me for a while, and now we're good friends. (And thanks to a friend of hers stealing my number from her phone, I met my best friend, so... Yeah.)

The fourth was the most recent, and definitely the most painful. So, I met this girl named Amanda through my best friend. We talked by text for a while. I told her about my Asperger's Syndrome, and she seemed totally okay with it. We met in person at an Arts and Science Museum, and we talked and laughed at the food art and corny dinosaur planetarium show. After that, things picked up a little. We got close really quickly, and, a few weeks ago, we started dating. This was my first relationship, and I was happier than I had been in a long time. Before that, I had started feeling kinda hopeless, but that changed that. For once, I didn't feel like a lost cause... That didn't last long. A few weeks ago... Amanda broke up with me. By text. She tried to let me down gently, playing the "still be friends" card... but that didn't make it any less painful. Thankfully, it happened on a Friday after school, so I had the weekend to kinda recover. Also, I have good friends to support me, as well as my writing.

Then, this past Friday, we got into a fight. She was mad at me because I kept bringing up the breakup. I just wanted to understand why she really broke up with me, because she never actually really gave me a reason, even when I specifically asked for one. The things she said... I had never seen this side of her... and I didn't like it. The last thing I said to her was "I thought you understood... I was clearly mistaken."

And that was that. We are no longer on speaking terms. Maybe, in a few years, she'll forgive or forget, and we can be friends again. (But right now, I doubt it...)

So, that's my series of unfortunate events. I never seem to do it correctly. I'm 17, have yet to so much as HOLD HANDS with a girl (which I almost did with Amanda), and I have four train wrecks on my history. Any chance I could get some advice? The last thing I need is for that list to get any longer.
 
I dont have any advise for you unfortunately but i must say that i like you just the way you are. this post is amazing to me. Not for the unfortunate events that have happened to you but for the way you write about them. I can see why people have an interest in your writing. I am cursed with terrible writing so hopefully this made sense. You are an awesome dude! I sure hope someone will come along for you soon that sees that and changes your love story for good she will be lucky to have you in her life.
 
I hadn't even been involved in a relationship at age 17.
Only one was long term and truly comfortable with for a very long time,
but, it finally ended when I found he had been cheating on me and hiding it for over a year.
If he had just been open about it, I wouldn't have been so hurt.
So, I guess honesty is what I would find attractive in a relationship.
Hope that helps in ideas.
Wish you all the best in finding the right one.
 
They had a crush on you because you probably are above average in looks.

Congratulations. You are not going to have any trouble attracting girls throughout your life. Become more aware and less cringy and you'll have no issues at all. I mean come on, "Choke on a rock"? Replace one letter, say it with a smile and she would've been back much sooner. You could've done a whole lot more than just holding hands.

Not that I suggest it. You are way too desperate and sensitive. The fact that you didn't hold hands with Amanda pretty much shows you are doing it wrong. The whole thing was going nowhere and she cut it off. Forget about girls until you can actually handle them. At this rate you are heading straight for disaster. Focus on making your writing a success, maybe publish a few things on Amazon or whatever. It's very easy these days to take a shot with writing at no cost, being a success in this regard might actually get you some balls.
 
Glytch. Hi. You will learn that most girls that are attracted to you are going to start off by eagerly accepting anything you say. There's going to be plenty more but one day you will meet someone who will not only be willing to accept who you are at the beginning but will be there through the end, too.
Don't feel bad for the choke on a rock comment - I need to remember that one. :) You probably are feeling guilty feeling she knows what your feelings were or that you may have meant it. She doesn't know that though so don't fret over it.
I agree that you should focus more on your writing. Take your time as far as girls and relationships - you have plenty of time for that.
 
My love life has always been awful. I've had a total of four romantic train wrecks over the years (and no, I don't mean a train crashed while I was on a date).
First was in seventh grade. I'm not sure why, but this girl had a crush on me, and I didn't feel the same way. I didn't handle that well, and she ended up hating me for a brief period of time. Now, we're pretty good friends, so that kinda turned out okay.
Second was my freshman year. I had a crush on a girl in my class named Emma (my first crush). Imagine my surprise when she told me that she already knew about it! Flash forward a few months... She got mad at me for putting notes in her locker, we got into a fight, and things escalated really quickly. (This next part is one of my biggest regrets.) I snapped at one point and I told her to, and I quote, "go choke on a rock." It was the worst thing I had ever said to someone, and to this day, I have no idea where it came from. I immediately regretted it. After that, things got quieter. I asked if we could just never speak of this again, and she said, and I quote, "as long as you don't talk to me again." And that was that. I stuck to that, too. For the next two years, I didn't utter a single word to Emma. Then, last year, she started talking to me again, about some stories I was writing! I think she either forgave me or forgot it happened. Unfortunately, I was cursed with a vivid memory, so I can't forget it.
Third was about a year or two ago. Another girl had a crush on me (again, why?), but I didn't feel the same way. Once again, I handled it poorly, she hated me for a while, and now we're good friends. (And thanks to a friend of hers stealing my number from her phone, I met my best friend, so... Yeah.)
The fourth was the most recent, and definitely the most painful. So, I met this girl named Amanda through my best friend. We talked by text for a while. I told her about my Asperger's Syndrome, and she seemed totally okay with it. We met in person at an Arts and Science Museum, and we talked and laughed at the food art and corny dinosaur planetarium show. After that, things picked up a little. We got close really quickly, and, a few weeks ago, we started dating. This was my first relationship, and I was happier than I had been in a long time. Before that, I had started feeling kinda hopeless, but that changed that. For once, I didn't feel like a lost cause... That didn't last long. A few weeks ago... Amanda broke up with me. By text. She tried to let me down gently, playing the "still be friends" card... but that didn't make it any less painful. Thankfully, it happened on a Friday after school, so I had the weekend to kinda recover. Also, I have good friends to support me, as well as my writing.
Then, this past Friday, we got into a fight. She was mad at me because I kept bringing up the breakup. I just wanted to understand why she really broke up with me, because she never actually really gave me a reason, even when I specifically asked for one. The things she said... I had never seen this side of her... and I didn't like it. The last thing I said to her was "I thought you understood... I was clearly mistaken."
And that was that. We are no longer on speaking terms. Maybe, in a few years, she'll forgive or forget, and we can be friends again. (But right now, I doubt it...)

So, that's my series of unfortunate events. I never seem to do it correctly. I'm 17, have yet to so much as HOLD HANDS with a girl (which I almost did with Amanda), and I have four train wrecks on my history. Any chance I could get some advice? The last thing I need is for that list to get any longer.
I don't really have any advice for you but I can promise you that as you get older and accrue wisdom from the mistakes that you've made, it does get easier. I had made many of the same mistakes that you have. Okay, one thing that does pop into my mind is reading on the subject. Read books on relationships and human sexuality. I learned so much from reading these books. I wish I could remember the title of the book I found most useful.
 
"Every relationship ends until one doesn't."

Love brings both great joy and great pain all at once.

You'll get to the good bits sooner than you think. :)
 
Well firstly, my first relationship was at 18, not sure why you're in such a rush, youtube? :)

Secondly, aspies often struggle with relationships, some of the causes are our directness, tendency to be black and white and intensity.

So in the cases you describe I would say;
  • Emma. You say "she got mad at me for putting notes in her locker, we got into a fight". You glossed over a few details here. Namely, it takes 2 to fight. I would guess then that you didn't apologize, didn't ask her and (quietly) listen to exactly WHY she was mad. Then you got defensive, the fight quickly escalated.
  • Amanda. You say "she never actually really gave me a reason, even when I specifically asked for one". Is she legally obliged to give you a reason? Did you ask her for help or did you demand she explain herself? And before you get defensive and say that you did ask nicely, are you sure? Or did you hammer her with an intense and unrelenting demand for a logical explanation?
Are you seeing the problem here yet?
 
Well firstly, my first relationship was at 18, not sure why you're in such a rush, youtube? :)

Secondly, aspies often struggle with relationships, some of the causes are our directness, tendency to be black and white and intensity.

So in the cases you describe I would say;
  • Emma. You say "she got mad at me for putting notes in her locker, we got into a fight". You glossed over a few details here. Namely, it takes 2 to fight. I would guess then that you didn't apologize, didn't ask her and (quietly) listen to exactly WHY she was mad. Then you got defensive, the fight quickly escalated.
  • Amanda. You say "she never actually really gave me a reason, even when I specifically asked for one". Is she legally obliged to give you a reason? Did you ask her for help or did you demand she explain herself? And before you get defensive and say that you did ask nicely, are you sure? Or did you hammer her with an intense and unrelenting demand for a logical explanation?
Are you seeing the problem here yet?
Hmm... Interesting points you brought up.
Um, I'm not being peer pressured by YouTube, if that's what you're implying. I'm not rushing... Am I?

For the Emma thing, I know for a fact that I didn't handle that properly. I had literally zero experience with that stuff, and... yes, I got defensive. Quite defensive.

As for Amanda... The way I phrased it, I asked her to "help me understand." ...After that didn't work, I'd say my course of action was probably something along the lines of what you described.

Well, now I have some idea of what a few of my errors were... Now how do I avoid them in the future?
 
You’re 17. You don’t have to have a whole romantic history yet. You’re supposed to make mistakes at this age. You’re supposed to mess up and be awkward. At this age you’re still basically learning how to be a human being. And at this age you’re supposed to perceive the small things that have happened so far as big dramatic events that will define your life for years to come. They probably won’t.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You’ll figure it out. Just give it time. And don’t try to rush anything, no good will come of that.
 
For the Emma thing, I know for a fact that I didn't handle that properly. I had literally zero experience with that stuff, and... yes, I got defensive. Quite defensive.

As for Amanda... The way I phrased it, I asked her to "help me understand." ...After that didn't work, I'd say my course of action was probably something along the lines of what you described.

Well, now I have some idea of what a few of my errors were... Now how do I avoid them in the future?

Well I spent 3 decades making these same mistakes over and over again, so that's one way to go. However, if you want to hurry things up a bit then I would ;
  • Recognize when you get defensive. Stop. Breathe. When I get defensive, I get angry and aggressive. So recognize when this happens and try to take the "attack" as a complement. If not then politely remove yourself from the situation, let the adrenaline dissipate face the situation the next day, once you've calmed down.
  • A little of us goes a long way. I'm not saying hold back, I'm saying ration. Ration yourself. Don't expose anyone to the full extent of the aspie personality too quickly. It's like getting into a hot bath, better done slowly. So learn the basics, small talk, inane and pointless conversations, mirroring, empty platitudes and go through the motions. Then let the next lady see a bit of you at a time. Don't be yourself straight away, it's too much, baby steps.
  • Dial down the intensity. I can predict what happened with Amanda because I've been there. The reason you never got an answer is that she doesn't know. None of them do. Part of the aspie super power/blessing/curse is analytics. We study and understand, we see patterns, we explain behavior. But neurotypicals aren't always able to do this and can't see situations impartially or clearly. With her friends, she would have come up with some excuse, like it didn't feel right, you were odd, you were better off as friends. But more likely the intensity unnerved her. You'll probably lose women by pushing too hard too fast, or being demanding, or being both demanding and ignoring them, not giving them the reassurance they need. So ease up, don't go all out or clam up (black and white), practice balance.
  • Listen. When neurotypicals talk it can be a barrage of nonsensical declarations, but you need to sit through it. Ask them how they feel, listen patiently and repeat what they said back to them, so that they get the impression you understand. Apologize for whatever ridiculous infraction you supposedly made, smile and nod.
There are many more common issues that aspies make when attempting to court a mate, like not communicating, not "feeling" the same (or anything much at all), being patronizing and trivializing feelings. So you'll probably hit each issue as you go along, but the good news is that we do learn quickly.
 
I'm 30 and the longest I have had a boyfriend was 1 week. xD. I'm also NT! So, it happens. We just live in a world were we put A LOT of important on relationships. In reality, everyone works at their own pace.
 
Just a thought.

Do you think maybe Emma got mad because you were invading her privacy by putting things in her locker, regardless of what they were? I know I would get mad if someone was possibly going through my stuff. Maybe find other ways to get girl's attention.
 
Just a thought.

Do you think maybe Emma got mad because you were invading her privacy by putting things in her locker, regardless of what they were? I know I would get mad if someone was possibly going through my stuff. Maybe find other ways to get girl's attention.
I slid them through the slits in the metal. I would never open someone else's locker without them expressly telling me to do so.
 

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